So I didn't write in the morning ... nor do I feel like writing now. I am sooo tired and my tummy is acting up :( I swear I'll write more tomorrow

E's going away party was a ton of fun .... just really sad. When they yelled surprise she like bawled her eyes out and that is very unusual!!!

I'll write more in the morning ... I feel like crap

I cannot wait until tomorrow!!! I have managed to keep a surprise party secret and help arrange it .... I'm very proud of myself

Well, today was a pretty good day, I spent most of it at Office Depot checking out school supplies and testing out everything. I also noticed that the area where I got my needle is warm, red, sore and it's turned into a bump *shrugs* I'm guessing that's not the greatest thing, but it should fade away

Sorry I didn't get a chance to post the other day, things were kinda hectic. I set up a bank account so OSAP can put money into it, next went out to the cemetery to put flowers at Tammy's grave, then went to the doctors (who gave me 4 months of Celexa and my DPT shot) and finally I picked up some school supplies at Walmart.

I am feeling great today!!! The cloud that has been hanging over my head has gone .... and I've got a fun filled day planned. Technically I'm just going to the mall and then watching Beaches and Casablanca tonight ... but hey, it's something!

I talked to a couple friends online H and E ... that was kinda cool

I'm feeling a bit better then before, mind you I'm still in one of my thinking moods. My mind doesn't seem to stop going, thoughts keep swirling round in my head ... never fully developed. I mean I think of something, start analyzing and what not ... but I usually get side tracked with another thought before I can reach a conclusion. lol ... I probably sound like doctor seuss at the moment ... but I can't help it ... I'm complicated (as are most human beings)

I feel like .... actually I think .... no I feel like crap right now

*sigh* Last night was so bloody sad, I swear I cried a freaking river. I went to a friends birthday party but at the same time I realized that, that was one of the last times that I will be seeing all of my friends together because some of them are going away for College and University ... I'm going to miss them so much. L leaves on Wednesday and E leaves in like a week, which totally sucks. E and I have hung around eachother non stop for the past 2 years or so ... I know I will still have email, msn and the phone but it just isn't the same. Who am I going to go out with on weekends or whenever I'm bored (goodness knows how often that is lmao). She's been there for me during everything and knows me extremely well ... like I'm serious ... she knows me too well. Not many people know me ... but she does (somewhat) ... I mena of course there are a shit load of things that I don't tell her (or anyone else for that matter) ... BLAH ... you get what I mean. I'm just mumbling/rambling bc I have nothing else to do ...

Plus I don't have a very extensive vocabulary ... and that bugs me. Maybe one weekend I should try studying the dictionary (lmao) I'd probably forget everything as soon as I put the darn thing down

I'm rather bored at the moment, everyone seems to be busy or sleeping, so I don't have anyone to call until later *sulks*

Like I said, last night I went to The Falls and that was pretty fun. At one point I was sitting on the patio outside Wendy's, waiting for E and K to bring our food out and I found myself watching all the people walking down below. I was watching every movement, expression, reaction and interaction with their surroundings ... I do that quite a lot *shrugs*. Some people find it wierd that I do that, but I can't help it, I find humans so interesting and I like trying to take in as much as I can. I love observing and learning ... but I feel as if I hardly know anything. I know I'm not a total doorknob, but I seriously feel like I lack intelligence.

I'm so tired right now, hence why my last post probably made no sense at all!

So yea, I went to Niagara Falls tonight with E and K bc I was bored and felt like going somewhere *shrugs* We wandered around and talked a bit ... I felt weird though ... something isn't right! I know I've told K I like her and that things should be ok between us, but I can't help but wish she felt even a bit the same as I do. Lately I have been sooo lonely and it's rlly getting me down. A couple of days ago I met somebody online and she is really an amazing person, just I don't think she likes me like how I like her *shrugs*. I'm weird though

One more thing, if anyone is actually reading this feel free to email me and whatever (i_love_parrots@hotmail.com)

I finally got my template how I want it! Before the font was WAAAY TOO BIG!

Well today I have to run out and finish picking up a friend's birthday present, which of course kicks ass. I can't wait until the party (tomorrow night) bc it'll be one of the last times all my friends are together before going off to Uni and College. I'm also hoping that I get a chance to go swimming today, only because in a couple of weeks they will be closing up the pool and well ... I've hardly gone in it :( I'm going to go have a shower now but I will probably post more later ... I rather enjoy posting on here, it's kind of a release in a way (just hope it doesn't come back and bite me in the ass like before)

Yes, I kinda just went on a posting spree there ... just some stuff I wrote over the years. Of course none of my good material has been typed up yet (keep it in a writer's journal), so keep an eye out!

What if


I die
I stay alone for the rest of my life
I sit instead of stand
I walk backwards
Talk to a stranger
Lose my mind
Nobody loves me
Everyone lies to me
They don’t like me
Water is called gold
My name was Carol
Christmas was everyday
I flew on the next plane out of here
I go to college
Go to University
A terrorist strikes
Somebody I love dies
I never met you
There was no tv
Life only lasted 1 yr
There is no answer to anything
Pigs flew
Cancer was cured
Aids was cured
My sister could talk
The Egyptians didn’t build the pyramids
The sky was purple
I love you
There was no racism
Everyone lived happily
There was no evil
There was no war
If nothing bad ever happened
If I wasn’t born
If the Titanic didn’t sink
If movies were never made
If nobody could speak
There was no music
Nobody could die
Nothing is what is seems
You couldn’t feel
Couldn’t see
If love is real
You can never find true love
It snows
If I have kids
If I never wake up
Society never accepts me
Everyone was the same
There were no stories
We lost our imaginations
Paper was never invented
Everyone died
You couldn’t drink water
Up was down and down was up
I won a million bucks
You loved me
I fell into a hole
All the oxygen in the world was removed
It was 12 o clock
I never knew what was going to happen
Time stood still

Was it really my fault?


Kids shouldn’t have to grow up quickly and be introduced to things they
they don’t need to learn about until they are much older. I know life isn’t supposed to be
fair but sometimes I think to myself that some of the situations I’ve faced are ridiculous
and truly unfair. I know I can’t blame one person for all the troubles I face, but dad you
were a big contributor to some of it. Families should work together as a unit so they can
flourish and grow. Every member needs trust, love, strength, power and so much more to
be able to work and when one-person steps out of line, everyone in the family suffers.
Dad I know you weren’t always a bad guy but you really hurt me and you can’t blame
anyone but yourself.

I remember all the fun times we had when I was small, swimming,
baseball, hiking, going out and all those other things you did with me. As I remember
these things, shadows appear and cloud up these pictures, so all I can see is the bad. Ever
since I was young you and mom used to fight. I was a smart kid and figured you were just
like all my other friends’ parents but later on in life I found out I was wrong. The one
fight I remember the most is when mom threw you out and ripped up the wedding
pictures. I was so afraid and tried to get you guys back together because I couldn’t stand
seeing my parents apart but now I realize that mom had her reasons. In later years you
used to always go away at night and we never knew where you went, I thought you may
have been trying to get away from some of the stress but I don’t know. With sissy
being disabled and mommy having epileptic seizures, I could understand being stressed.
At this time you and mom used to fight a lot but I just acted as normal as I could, hiding
my feelings. I remember curling up beside sis trying to calm her when you guys were
fighting, I didn’t want her to know but I think she did. I was around eleven then.


When I was twelve we moved from our south end house to a north end
apartment, at the time I thought it was cool but now I dislike it. Things were getting
worse and I found out you were doing drugs. It was then that I started understanding
things and noticing things more and more. I’ll never forget how you would sell things
from our house. You sold grandma’s teacups she gave me and sis and my Disney
movies, how could you? That hurt me so much but it didn’t end there. When mom was in
the hospital for seizure activity and sis was in for pneumonia, I had to hide everything
and make sure the apartment was ok. You didn’t even stay with them for the entire night.
I went into a depression period, but nobody knew because I hid it, I’m good at that. There
were other things you did but I’m not going to keep listing them. I know you weren’t
always a bad guy but these things really hurt me and always ran through my head. You
could be really nice when you tried or wanted to be.



You and mom have been separated for awhile now and have been through
the court. You had a chance to build up our confidence and stuff but instead you refused
to pay child support, causing us to live on mom’s paycheck. You’d think you’d at least
want to try but you are hardly putting out the effort. Mom and I tried to help you, we did
the therapy thing and drug rehab but nothing seemed to have long term effects. I don’t
know if you are still clean, but congrats if you are. I know you tried but I thought you
could do anything if you put your mind to it. Isn’t that what people say?


It hurts me to say all this but it’s true. If it wasn’t for your lack of will power or whatever was holding you back, we could have been a great family. Sure we
could have all done something, but you need to admit you did a horrible thing to us that
nobody should have to deal with and you can only blame yourself. If you clean up your
act and quit being such a jerk about everything maybe we can talk. Talking is good but
do not expect things to be washed away because they are stained on me. Now before I
end this, picture a little girl curled up in a corner with her headphones on crying because
she knows that nobody is around to hear her cry. Now picture a teenage girl sitting at her
computer crying while reflecting on the past. Those are two pictures of me, your
daughter, that you could have helped prevent.

Princesses Can So!!!
By Megan Jenter and Gillian Barclay

Once upon a time, there was a princess named Rebecca, who had three brothers, named Percy, Reginald and Henry. They lived in a big castle with the king and queen, overlooking the village of Smeglton.

Princess Rebecca didn't get along with her brothers because they were always making trouble. One time they even drew a great, big, black mustache on the queen's portrait that hung in the front entrance. Rebecca was upset with her brothers for doing such a naughty thing, so she quickly ran and told the king about how much mischief the brothers were causing. The king called Percy, Reginald and Henry into the great hall and told them, "if you cause one more problem, none of you will be able to go to the Great Ball!" "But daaaaad", the three boys whined. " I MEAN IT!", bellowed the king as he marched from the room.

The three brothers turned to their sister and told her, "this is all YOUR FAULT" Then they stormed off to their rooms.

The next day, Percy, Reginald and Henry were playing in the yard and decided to go put on their helmets and pull out their bikes because it was the perfect day to go biking across the kingdom. Princess Rebecca walked up to them and asked, " Can I come too?" Percy looked Rebecca up and down, he whispered to his brothers and then quickly turned around. "Don't be silly, everyone knows princesses can't ride bikes"

Princess Rebecca quickly answered, "Princesses can so". Well, Rebecca went to the royal shed and pulled out her pretty pink bike with pink and silver streamers on the handles. Then she put on her silver riding helmet with a cool pink racing stripe down the center (built specially for going right overtop royal tiaras) and headed out to meet up with her brothers.

The four of them set off for a nice ride across Smeglton. Percy, Reginald and Henry liked hills and decided to go up and over Mount Smoogle, the biggest mountain in all of Smeglton. The ride up Mount Smoogle wasn't SO bad but on the way down Princess Rebecca's bike kept going faster and faster.

All of a sudden as she was tumbling down the mountain into a bunch of Broozle Berry Bushes, Princess Rebecca heard a riiiiiiiiiip and felt a slight breeze. She looked down to find she was sitting there in her underclothes. As she looked back at her bike, all she could see was a mass of pink frills caught in the spokes of her bike and could hear her brothers laughing. "I told you princesses can't ride bikes", called Percy, as the boys rode off.

A day after that, Princess Rebecca was having a tea party in the royal garden with her stuffed animals, when she heard loud shouts. She followed the noise into the clearing where her brothers were huddled around the BIGGEST mud puddle she had ever seen. "Can I play too?" asked Princess Rebecca. Reginald looked her up and down, he whispered to his brothers and quickly turned around. "Don't be silly, everyone knows princesses can't play in mud puddles" answered Reginald. Princess Rebecca's face got a little pink as she replied, " Princesses can so!"

Princess Rebecca took off her patent leather shoes and crept to the edge of the GIGANTIC mud puddle. She stepped deeper and deeper into the sticky brown mud and just then a big, ugly green toad jumped out of the mud onto Princess Rebecca. She screamed as she tumbled head over heels into the mud. Her dress was ruined once again and she began to cry. Reginald laughed and said, "I told you Princesses can't play in mud puddles". As her brothers walked away the ugly toad kerplunked right onto Princess Rebecca's head.

After she took a long hot bath to get rid of the mud, Princess Rebecca went to look for her brothers. They were out on the royal patio drinking from the root beer fountain. Princess Rebecca dashed through the castle when she heard what they were doing because she was afraid that they would drink it all. When she got to the patio she asked her brothers, " Can I have some too?" Henry looked Rebecca up and down, he whispered to his brothers and then turned around quickly. "Don't be silly, everyone knows Princesses can't drink this root beer"

The root beer that the fountain spewed was said to be extra fizzy, super gassy, really bubbly and would make ANYONE burp. But Princess Rebecca's face turned bright RED and she yelled, "PRINCESSES CAN SO!!!" The princess grabbed a goblet and filled it full of the root beer and quickly drank it down with one big GULP! Her brothers began to count "5, 4, 3, 2 ..." "BUUUURP!" a huge belch escaped Princess Rebecca. It was so loud that it shook the castle and scared the royal watchdog, which was lying in the sun.

The king stormed out onto the patio, "BOYS, I warned you not to make anymore mischief. You CANNOT go to the Great Ball!" "But daaaaaad", the boys whined again, "it was Rebecca". "Don't be silly everyone knows that princesses don't cause such mischief" answered the king.

Princess Rebecca grinned and whispered to her brothers, "Princesses can so".

Caged

The thunder sounds, the lightening crashes and the rain falls down
A girl sits gazing out her window, but does not see or hear any of this
She thinks of nothing but sunny days and warm summer breezes
She remembers a time when happiness and warmth filled her,
but things have changed and she feels that no more
Who could have known she would end up here
In this cold and dreary place, tucked behind walls of cement and cold steel bars
With one mistake that probably only took five minutes to make,
came seven years of pain

Flame

The flame of a candle,
is much like the flame found inside of a human heart
With just the right spark it can be lit
but it must be cared for
if it is to remain burning bright
Because with a gust of wind
it could be reduced to ashes

Ghost

As the wind blows the hair out of my face
And a sweet aroma fills the air
Shivers run through my body
She is there

As the door creeps open a ways
And the blankets become warmer
My body relaxes
She is there

As the sun rises to kiss my eyes open
and a slight breeze wakes me
I smile and sigh
She is there

Life


The brain has snapped
The fires within burn
All innocence has been swept free
The blood boils
And the heart once more cries out
But as always, nobody can hear
Anger, Fear and Frustration have won
This once bright candle
Is now a hot melted wax
Almost like lava it pours over the soul
Devouring every inch
Leaving nothing to spare
The scars and boils will be permanent
But there is still time
Turn back before it is too late
Grasp on to the good and pull free of this

A Moment

The wind has picked up
And the chimes ring out
Then after a large gust of wind
Everything draws silent
A shiver of cold and fear
Sweeps through me
Paralyzing my body
I am cold
But afraid to seek warmth

Mask


Waiting and waiting
For what is holding me back to go away
Away so that I can truly be myself
Somebody that nobody knows
Not even the best of friends
It seems as though nobody will understand
and turn their backs on me once more
Just for being myself
Yes, I wish this blockade would go away
I only have so much time
before I have to play pretend

The Perch


It is so beautiful out on my perch tonight.
The moon has made her presence known by casting a wondrous glow over the town below, just light enough to make it look so peaceful and so calm.
Much like myself the moon has a perch high above the city
A place where she can dream and sometimes be free from the clouds that hide her light.

Sometimes I used to think of the moon as my one true love.
She always is looking over me and caressing my body with her soft pale light, stimulating my senses.
She knows my every wish, my every secret and every desire.
She knows.

She need not say a word to me, her presence and light tells me everything I need to know.
I know she listens and I know she understands.
I feel her trying to comfort me.
We often cry together at night about things that have happened.

She once made her arrival known by entering the body of an angel on earth.
She was a girl that was full of life, love and lust.
I thought it wrong to carry such strong and passionate feelings for another woman but soon got over that.
With one touch of her hand, the once golden glow she shone down from the sky quickly turned into warmth that coated my body.

She was my one and only.
She was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
She was my everything.
She was too good for me.

The clouds have once again hid the moon from my sight.
The angel on earth has left.
A thunderstorm now lies overhead and I don’t know what to do
I have no shelter.

The skies crack open and the rain pours down.
Washing the world below.
She is crying
Those are her tears.

I cannot help her, although I wish I could.
The sun will soon come and she can then rest.
She will never return to me as my love.
She is my friend.

She must rest and so must I, for another day waits.
I will return to my spot the next night, hoping she will come.
Although she is not here on earth anymore.
I cannot help but love the moon.

Whoa, now that is some big ass font *shrugs* ... heck if I know how to fix it though

So yes, after totally forgetting the addy to my last blog I have decided to create yet another one!!! I really have to apologize to the staff of Blogger for doing this yet again, but being the smart person I am (not), I have written down everything this time.
Ummm ... I'm pretty much just an 18yr old girl that will occasionally post on here about a variety of different subjects. You can keep checking if you want, but as a warning, I don't think I'm that interesting.
Like I said, I kept forgetting to update my past bloggers but for a change I'm thinking about actually keeping as up to date as I can on this one ... i was also thinking I might post some of my writings and what nots. Please excuse any spelling/grammar errors because goodness knows I'll make 50billion in each post. (and yet I'm going to study journalism???)