Was it really my fault?


Kids shouldn’t have to grow up quickly and be introduced to things they
they don’t need to learn about until they are much older. I know life isn’t supposed to be
fair but sometimes I think to myself that some of the situations I’ve faced are ridiculous
and truly unfair. I know I can’t blame one person for all the troubles I face, but dad you
were a big contributor to some of it. Families should work together as a unit so they can
flourish and grow. Every member needs trust, love, strength, power and so much more to
be able to work and when one-person steps out of line, everyone in the family suffers.
Dad I know you weren’t always a bad guy but you really hurt me and you can’t blame
anyone but yourself.

I remember all the fun times we had when I was small, swimming,
baseball, hiking, going out and all those other things you did with me. As I remember
these things, shadows appear and cloud up these pictures, so all I can see is the bad. Ever
since I was young you and mom used to fight. I was a smart kid and figured you were just
like all my other friends’ parents but later on in life I found out I was wrong. The one
fight I remember the most is when mom threw you out and ripped up the wedding
pictures. I was so afraid and tried to get you guys back together because I couldn’t stand
seeing my parents apart but now I realize that mom had her reasons. In later years you
used to always go away at night and we never knew where you went, I thought you may
have been trying to get away from some of the stress but I don’t know. With sissy
being disabled and mommy having epileptic seizures, I could understand being stressed.
At this time you and mom used to fight a lot but I just acted as normal as I could, hiding
my feelings. I remember curling up beside sis trying to calm her when you guys were
fighting, I didn’t want her to know but I think she did. I was around eleven then.


When I was twelve we moved from our south end house to a north end
apartment, at the time I thought it was cool but now I dislike it. Things were getting
worse and I found out you were doing drugs. It was then that I started understanding
things and noticing things more and more. I’ll never forget how you would sell things
from our house. You sold grandma’s teacups she gave me and sis and my Disney
movies, how could you? That hurt me so much but it didn’t end there. When mom was in
the hospital for seizure activity and sis was in for pneumonia, I had to hide everything
and make sure the apartment was ok. You didn’t even stay with them for the entire night.
I went into a depression period, but nobody knew because I hid it, I’m good at that. There
were other things you did but I’m not going to keep listing them. I know you weren’t
always a bad guy but these things really hurt me and always ran through my head. You
could be really nice when you tried or wanted to be.



You and mom have been separated for awhile now and have been through
the court. You had a chance to build up our confidence and stuff but instead you refused
to pay child support, causing us to live on mom’s paycheck. You’d think you’d at least
want to try but you are hardly putting out the effort. Mom and I tried to help you, we did
the therapy thing and drug rehab but nothing seemed to have long term effects. I don’t
know if you are still clean, but congrats if you are. I know you tried but I thought you
could do anything if you put your mind to it. Isn’t that what people say?


It hurts me to say all this but it’s true. If it wasn’t for your lack of will power or whatever was holding you back, we could have been a great family. Sure we
could have all done something, but you need to admit you did a horrible thing to us that
nobody should have to deal with and you can only blame yourself. If you clean up your
act and quit being such a jerk about everything maybe we can talk. Talking is good but
do not expect things to be washed away because they are stained on me. Now before I
end this, picture a little girl curled up in a corner with her headphones on crying because
she knows that nobody is around to hear her cry. Now picture a teenage girl sitting at her
computer crying while reflecting on the past. Those are two pictures of me, your
daughter, that you could have helped prevent.