Ok I am totally addicted to this song "Masquerade" from The Phantom Of The Opera ... it reminds me of this woman I like ... I'm strange ... I pick out songs that remind me of ppl ... their personality, body shape, the way they walk and just anything about them ... music is so amazing ... the way it can portray almost anything .... I was going to say more ... but Im too tired to type right now

I haven't been able to describe how I've been feeling all afternoon ... I feel sad and yet happy ... calm and yet restless .... lovey dovey but lonely .... grrrr sometimes I wish I knew what was going on inside of me

I was just looking at some of my first posts and realized I haven't posted anything I've written for a looong time. I might type up some of my good stuff today if I get around to it ... otherwise I'll just post some lil things I typed on the comp (aren't that good)

By the way .... sorry I don't get to post on here that often ... I've been rlly busy with school ... so Wed, thurs and the weekend days I'm most likely to post

Oh I know what's new!!!! Ok so yesterday I was sitting there talking about this guy and then I started thinking .. OMG I think I might actually like him and goodness knows what a shocker that was. I'm not 100% sure or anything ... but I can say I'm kinda weirded out by it bc I've never liked liked a GUY. Anyways ... as I wait for that to unfold I also find myself attracted to a woman that I have no chance with but still, the fact I'm attracted to her is strange ... well I didn't feel that way until I told 3 ppl and they all thought it was strange *shrugs* I can't help who I like ... geez
So yea ... I'm thinking that right now I'm just really desperate and looking for somebody. I mean I don't have a major crush that I can pour all my energy into and usually I do ... so I'm kinda feeling like I need .... I just totally lost my train of thought
I'm listening to this really uplifting song by India Arie called Strength, Courage and Wisdom .... I love listening to her music when I'm depressed. I'm not depressed right now ... I just have her on my Boppy music playlist
WOW IM SO CONFUSING!!!!

Well nothing new is really going on with me, I've just been busy with school and everything. Saturday I went out with my high school buddies to see "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" and then headed over to the pool hall ... I really need to brush up on my pool skills! I love being able to go out with them all the time ... I guess people were right when they said to not worry so much. In a couple weeks we are planning on bringing our new friends out with us ... our group is going to be so freakin huge! *shrugs* the more the merrier

I'm tired right now ... I'll type later

I am bored

So yes ... I'm back! I read through my emails and there wasn't anything that was actually exciting ... just messages from a yahoo group that I'm in .... if somebody is reading this ... please email me ... i_love_parrots@hotmail.com ... I'm so bored

Lately things haven't been making much sense, I find myself questioning every aspect of life and then getting lost in it all. I sit and write for hours on end about everything but never really accomplishing anything .... see ... I'm so confusing.
The other day I was wondering what the world would be like if I wasn't here, or what would happen if I passed away. For some odd reason I tend to wonder about the impact of my death, I don't know if many other ppl do that ... but it scares me sometimes that my mind wanders into such murky waters *shrugs* I've also been debating with myself about where I stand with politics .... I used to never be interested in politics but slowly it's been getting more and more intruiging ... which is kinda scary bc I dont need to start dwelling on anything else (lmao) I think one of the main reasons I'm getting so into this is that I like my current events teacher. She is totally awesome and I can't help but want to engage in conversation more ... but I don't want to look stupid ... I need to know the facts and goodness knows I dont at this point ... even with the big election coming up
You know I could seriously write on here for hours on end about all of the little things that pop up into my mind. The thing that I dont get is Im not really directing this to anyone. It feels asthough I am just kinda talking to myself ... Is anyone out there? Does anyone find anything interesting or entertaining out of what I am saying? Probably not ... this is kind of a form of reality tv ... but reality typing ... yea I totally just lost myself on that one ... anyways I'm gonna check my mail and then I'll be back ... and no that isn't a threat .... unless you find this really boring and pointless

Well I'm at school now and I have a 4hr break ... so I have decided to come into the "open access lab" ... lmao I had no idea that this place existed, somebody had to show me it. Can you tell I really haven't researched my college? Anyways, like I said yesterday I have been doinbg a lot of thinking over the past few days. Call it PMS, depression or the unstable emotions of a teenage girl ... but in the end it is all the same (lol) ... I suddenly lost my train of thought there

Darts of pain and confusion being thrown at my body
each one hitting a point
but the one that you have thrown
has hit the bullseye
and pierced the most sensitive part of my heart

Well I'm feeling very calm right now. There is a storm brewing outside and a wave of thought crashing through my head, but nothing I should worry about. I'm just thinking about the world and the people/creatures in it. How everyone lives each day and interacts with so many beings, yet they really don't know what is gong on around them *shrugs* I guess I shouldn't be one to talk though, I admit that I miss a lot of things ...... lost my train of thought
Anyways, I'm thinking now, so I might post more later on .... everyone is telling me to go to sleep ... but I can't ....

I must say that I am feeling at lot better than I was earlier! Took some time out and wrote in a notebook, I might post some of the stuff I wrote *shrugs*

So far I'm have a pretty crappy day. It started off with getting yelled at about random things and being reminded of how cruel the world can be. My sister is sick and so is my grandma, so things are getting pretty stressful around the house. My sister just has a cold, but as you know for her that could turn into pneumonia .... As for grandma ... well something is definately up. Her knee has been hurting her a lot and I think she's also having a hard time in other areas. I mean if she is actually complaining about something ... you know its not good

Seriously I'm in a big jumble right now!!! At this moment I have so much stuff running through my head that I can't find a way to straighten it out and make any sense of it all. The world seems so different and I feel lost within. College is amazing, my classes really haven't picked up the pace, but all the same they are still pretty good .... I also have a buddy that I have been hanging around with a lot. She is totally awesome!!! We have our similarities and our differences, which is a good balance. But I must say I really admire her for what she has accomplished ... I mean ... I could never be independent and move away on my own, at this stage in my life ... I'd be a wreck!!! Just listening to her and everything ... makes me see things in another light ... She's really been helping me out though, on my personal outlook of myself and things around me ... even though she probably doesn't know it, she has helped me in a big way.... I'd say thank you ... but she'd probably think I was insane or something (mind you she probably thinks that already)

WOW it feels good to be typing again ... just pouring out my thoughts .... sorry if anyone finds this boring or whatever ... but yea ... *shrugs* .... this is how I am

Sorry

I've been sooooo busy ... I'll type on thursday!!!

Back

Well after being away for awhile I am back!!! Started College on Monday so I've been really busy with it .... not so much homework, but adapting to everything ... it seriously can take a lot out of a person

I'll post more later bc it's only 7:12am... and I'm actually able to sleep in today

New

Well ... yesterday I ran over to Zellers with mom and bought some new shelving for my room and when I got home I rearranged everything. I now have 1/3 of my room as a work space, 1/3 as a lounging area and the last 1/3 is the bed and my sisters stuff. Next weekend I think I'll work on my closet, goodness knows it will be a two day event *shakes head* For some reason I find cleaning and rearranging really relaxing

Music

Ummm ... lately I've found myself falling in love with the soundtrack to Little Women and works from Thomas Newman .... they've been helping to project these dreams and fantasies that have been playing through my head

Simple

Lately I've realized how much I enjoy the simple aspects of life and wish so much that others could share in this same joy with me.

I see a house, that is filled with a love more powerful than the storms raging outside of it's tiny wooden frame, standing bright, amung the dark fields and woods that surround it. This delicate place seems so unreal because it is one that I have seen so many times in my sleep .... a dream.

Today continued

Today kicked ass!!! We went to that concert and just hung out, talked and stuff ... lol ... I'll type more later

Today

Well today I'm supposed to be going to a Not By Choice concert at the College with a few of my friends. I haven't heard from anyone yet, but then again it's only 9:30am. I'm so sad because today is Erin's last day before she goes off to Uni in booniville (lol)

Celexa

Well it's 9:16 and things haven't started picking up yet. I have this odd feeling in my stomach, kind of like I'm nervous, and I feel like I could cry a river.
Last night I didn't have my meds until like 11:30pm and usually I have them at 4pm ... but the thing is, I was perfectly fine. Now the day before yesterday, I had myself really upset and for some reason I didn't want to take my meds, I was already 3hrs late taking them. *shrugs* I don't know why I'm talking about this ... actually I do, it's bc I'm just so confused with everything and in some ways I'm afraid. I mean I have so many questions, when will I be off of Celexa? Will I? How bad is my anxiety? Will I always be subject to pannic attacks?
Yes I could always ask my doctor these questions, but he doesn't really know for sure .... he would just be guessing in a way

Sometimes I feel like I'm really lacking intelligence!

Hello once again, to any of you that have actually decided to take a look at this (I'd love to hear from you). Today I attended my College orientation, which I must say, totally kicked ass. I'm really looking forward to the yr!!! I got even more excited when they said "you are not students, but reporters in training" .... I'm such a child sometimes. So yea, today was great!!! The other thing that I realized is maybe they'll have a "pride group" ... kinda like the university I live near. *shrugs* it would seriously help a lot of ppl out (no pun itended)
So yes .... Im rambling and starting to get a headache/heat stroke, so I'll write more later

*dreamy sigh* I just watched a cute movie ... and now I feel lonely

Well as you have seen the past 2 days have been kinda busy with everyone getting all ready to go off to College and University. It's so strange the way everything is changing, sometimes I just have to sit back bc it feels like things are going too fast .... but I guess it's just a part of growing up.

Saturday night was awesome! E was so surprised that she cried a river and she's not one to cry, especially not infront of people. C brought her video cam so there are a bunch of clips of me acting like and idiot (as always) ... I was doing a crocodile hunter parody. I also bought a camera and took some pics ... maybe I'll post a few one day

Yesterday I slept for most of the morning, I was feeling ill because I got some bug bites the night before. Then after spending the afternoon online, talking to a new person that has entered my life, N picked me up so we could go say so long to my friend M that was leaving for university.