I just found out that Rachel's friend Naomi has yet to give her my message, despite the fact that I said it was really really important/killing me .... BAH .... why couldn't she just give me her number .... Like what the heck ...

Well then .... my friends scare me .... Emmie and Diana are sleeping over and they are on the floor right now talking about me ... Well my boobs .... recently I have realized that my boobs are very ... umm ... soft and saggy .... Diana said they were like jello but now says they are more like chocolate mousse .... *shrugs* ... it went very quiet ... I think they are texting eachother ... Oh well ... I'm enjoying myself up here ...
I have started another blog with just my writings ... purpleinhereyes2.blogspot.com ... I will eventually link it on the side ... but for now you'll have to do the old fashioned copy and paste
So yea ... I'm really self concious of my breasts right now ... I'm such a loser

As you can probably guess ... I am in a much better mood than yesterday
You know ... i should just submit my blog to my doctor and he can see my mood swings for himself ... instead of thinking I'm insane when I tell him how much my moods vary from day to day

I just realized my watch has a timer ... so I clicked it and started watching the numbers fly by ..... each one represents a moment .... and right now ... those are moments in which I am sad .... and now I am beginning to think if every human had a stop watch ... and a record of that stop watch .... I wonder how it would read .... how long people have spent feeling sad compared to how long they were happy .... but no watch would be able to tell you the intensity of the feelings .....
Oh dear I just lost my sketchy train of thought
0:3:21:22 <<<< hmmmm

Well ... I went to Kelly's today and was very quiet the entire time, but atleast I was happy ... Then I called mom to pick me up and then Erin to say we'd come and get her for the movie. Erin said that she was just going to stay home .... but then quickly said she'd go with me (we said we'd go tonight yesterday) ... I when I got to grams I said I might aswell call her and tell her not to worry ... she didn't sound like she wanted to ...
Then I thought, I guess I could go out with Joey, Diana and Emme (Emme's friends too) .... but then I decided I dont think I will bc as it is I feel like a third wheel with Joey and Diana .... nevermind how I would feel with Emme's friends around ....
Finally I ran upstairs in hopes that Naomi told Rach I wanted to talk to her and she ran to the phone to call me ..... but no .... that didn't happen
So now I am sitting here depressed out of my mine .... for reasons that I brought on .... gott love the way things work with me .... I choose sadness over happiness
Wow ... I'm so pathetic ... I just answered a phone that wasn't ringing
I can't wait till New Years ... NOT ...

I hate humans
I hate that humans are capable of so much and so many people don't exercise their gifts
I hate people that act like they are doing you a favor and that you should praise them
I hate the fact I feel lost and helpless
I hate being in a pissy mood
I hate being forgot about ... or used as a last resort
I hate when people give you the pitty look
I hate when people say you are wrong when you KNOW you are right
I hate people that think they know everything
I hate feeling like nobody cares about me
I hate complaining and yet I cant help it bc if I dont release I think Im going to fucking explode on everyone
I hate the fact I say all of this and in two seconds I know I will feel horrible
I HATE using the term I hate ..... BAH ...... maybe I should say dislike or it pisses me off when .... or .... I dont know but I'm really pissed off right now .... and feel like pounding something .... too bad I hung those pictures yesterday
Now i wanna go through this and change all of the I hates ... but I'm too damn lazy rigth now

I was just looking over my old posts and stumbled upon Sept 25th
A) I didn't like that guy .... lmao ... but Diana ended up going out with him (I dont know if I ever posted that)
B) UPLIFTING ... i was talking about India Arie ... and how when I'm depressed I listen to her but her song was on my boppy playlist despite the fact I was happy .... Boppy=uplifting

Oh yea ... before I go to bed ... I just want to say that I am a camera addict .... I love taking pics with my new baby ..... I can't stop actually .... today I took about 72 .... plus 3 video files ... including me trying to get the birds to talk .... and of course they just sat there staring at me .... I can just hear them thinking " that stupid girl thinks that she's gonna get us to talk .... well I'll show her"

I'm really cold or something and can't stop shaking

Well .... I managed to get ahold of Rachel's really good friend Naomi, I remember hearing a bit about her but it doesn't sound like she really knows who I am. That kind of scares me .... now I have myself paranoid that I am working myself up for no reason .... that maybe I'm thinking of her and she's thinking of somebody else .... I mean ... I haven't heard from her in how long .... I know she is getting settled in ... but she knows I worry ....
Anyways .... I wish Naomi would have just given me Rachel's contact number .... I would have liked to have surprised her when I call .... *shrugs* ... oh well ... I'm a loser *sigh*

Oh dear ... I watched Haunted ... or whatever the hell thazt show is and it made me upset again ... I was thinking that maybe I should try to learn how to control my abilities .... I don't deny that there is something inside of me that allows me to see/hear spirits and the future .... friends laugh at me sometimes and it makes me angry .... I can't help how I am .... I didn't choose it .... *pause* .... Bc I was watching that show my senses have been heightened and even now I feel something .... I'm too nervous to go further though .... and mom says that I shouldn't unless I get professional training .... BLAH ... I dont know what I think .... maybe I shouldn't pay attention .... but there must be a reason I have these abilities
Oh ... about that show ... it makes me mad bc the people sign on to do it and yet they freak out if anything happens .... if you are going to do that show .... atleast stay and listen .... they use so much energy to try to contact them .... and al they do is run away .... *shakes fist* .... I'll type more later cause I'm really shakey ....

I'm really not sure what to write today .... I'm a little shocked at the way people were acting in the mall today. Pushing, shoving and just flat out ignorance, sure there were a few nice people ..... but most were nasty. I had one woman smack me in the head with a dvd players (in a box) and then proceed to tell me to watch out ..... I was so shocked but I could do or say anything bc my anxiety level was high .... I dunno ... Im tired so I'll write more later

I'm really getting worked up about Rachel .... WHERE IS SHE

Christmas was awesome ... I love seeing the family ... despite the fact you can feel the underlying tensions between everyone .... OH WELL .... Robert and I teamed up on making fun of everyone and I also kept my lil 5 yr old 2nd cousin out of trouble ....
OOOO ... I guess I'll tell you what I got for Christmas before I forget
perfume, sound system for my comp, new headphones, house for my village, money and a 3.1MP digital camera <<<< my new baby .... I bought accessories for her today
If I knew how to post pictures ... I would do that ... but I can't ....

I love my new baby

I'm such a kid

It's Christmas Eve and Santa was just spotted in Peru .... so he's not too far away. I guess I should go to bed ... but I am so hyper ... I mean ... it's snowing

GUESS WHO COMES TONIGHT!!!!!!!!
Man ... I'm so excited .... it's Christmas Eve Day .... now if it would only snow .... I swear ... if it does I will let out the biggest squeel EVER

Im in one of my moods again ... I turned on my classical music and sat in the dark for awhile .... until my mom came in

I want to give a copy of that to each of my family members ... along with a candle and copy of everyone's contact info ... maybe just my own ... mom doesnt think it is a good idea ... but am i supposed to just sit back and watch the family crumble .... watch my cousins and sister grow up not having a true family support system .... blah ... I dont know what to do

Time is something I hold dear to me because I understand that it is limited, and we only have a small portion to utilize. I try to live each day to the fullest and use my time on earth to live a meaningful life; and to, perhaps, shed a bit of light into the lives of others. For humans are like candles; fragile and unpredictable. A person needs to be cared for because without the proper protection and maintenance, the slightest breeze could extinguish their time on earth.

For far too long, I have witnessed the light dimming from the people I hold dearest to me: my family. No matter how I feel or what I do, I cannot salvage my family’s flame because we all need to work together. We all need to recognize that everyone hits ruts during their time on earth and that yes, our family has seen better days. Nothing is hopeless or worth giving up on, and instead of turning our cheek, we should try to protect the family flame. Each one of us could burn a little brighter and do more to keep our family alive. So why not try?

The flame of a candle, is much like the flame found inside of a human heart.
With just the right spark it can be lit, but it must be cared for if it is to remain burning bright
Because with a gust of wind, this fragile flame could be reduced to ashes.

I think I am going to have a nap ... bc for some reason I am extremely tired

Well ... I just gave my final rant to Diana about Joey .... and if she hurts him I will be very angry .... but I guess I should keep my nose out of it ..... mind you ... I will be the one picking up the pieces

My sister is sick ... and that really has me worried ... the smallest cold can turn into pneumonia for her .... So many times I remember rushing her into the emergency ... before she had her g tube put in ... things were extremely scary ... bc her veins would collapse when they tried to put in the IV ... *sigh* ... So many nights and days spend sitting in the children's ward .... it was so sad .... she was so drained ... it took everything to even just breathe .... she's a strong kid though .... alot of kids in that ward are .... I saw many that had life threatening illnesses .... I remember talking to one little girl .... she seemed normal ... I thought she was a sister to somebody ... but I found out that she had leukemia and didn't have a long time left ... she just went on as if everything was ok ... she wasn't afraid ... sure she had her down points ... the one day she was in pain and couldn't come to the toy room to play .... but the strength .... I mean .... I can't comprehend the strength some people have ... especially children .... ANYWAYS ... my sister is a fighter so hopefull she'll get better right away

I'm such a loser ... all day today I couldn't stop thinking about Rachel. I want to see her so badly .... I wore the ring that she bought me all day today and kept playing with it like I used to when we went out. I decided I'd see if she was busy on New Years ... I'm guessing she is .... but I can't help but hope that she'll come out with me .... I just want to spend a night with her .... catch up on everything .... I'm such a loser ...

We went driving to look at the lights tonight. My sister wouldn't stop talking the entire time .... her eyes were big and her head was moving around like mad ..... she was trying to make sure she saw everything ..... I swear she is too cute ... everytime there was a house with tons of lights she'd give a loud squeel and then smile ... She's like me in that way .... I love anything to do about Christmas ...
Anyways ... I'm super tired and can't expand on any of my thoughts ... so good night

I just finished watching Titanic ... it isn't really that bad of a movie. I hate the way people make fun of it. Just watching it makes me think about what went on that night ... I sit there crying while watching a film about it .... nevermind the people that were actually there .... *sigh* ... I find it strange how tragedy draws my attention .... I think it is human emotion though .... I find humans so interesting ... I speak asthough I'm not human

I really want to watch Little Women today. I swear I am so addicted to that movie, I especially love the soundtrack .... by the way, I'm talking about the newer version.
Anyways, I think I am going to have a nice day at home with my mum and sister .... I know mom has to run out and get my present(s) .... Usually I don't like getting things .... I like giving them .... but this year I'm kind of excited bc there are a couple things I need

Today is a sad day for me ... the day that one of my good friends moves away. Although Diana and I have only known each other for a short while, she has made a huge impact on my life. I mean she was there to help me get through a major part of my life, starting college. Ever since that first little hello we said, we've been talking non stop, usually we would talk every day. If we didn't see each other in person, we were sure to talk on the phone at some point, and those conversations could last for hours at a time. You know those ones you have where you hardly talk, but alot is said. I feel bad though, I know I wasn't always the greatest friend to her. I tend to have my frequent grumpy days, I blamed them on all of the added stresses at school and stuff ... and of course we had the days where we bunted heads ... but that's normal. We've made it this far, gone through our first semester of College .... a time where I think we've both (lmao at the way Diana says both) grown a lot.
Diana I want to thank you for everything and I want you to know that we will keep in contact .... I mean goodness ... I'll see you in awhile for New Years ... which I must add will be really funny.
I posted the lyrics to "Lean On Me" because this seems to be the song that all us college kids sing to each other.

" Lean On Me (Tonight) "



Sometimes in our lives

we all have pain

we all have sorrow

but if we are wise we no that theres

always tomorrow


lean on me

when ur not strong

and ill be ur friend

ill help u carry on

for it wont be long till im gonna need

somebody to lean on


please swallow your pride

if I have things

you need to borrow

for no1 can fill those of your needs

that u wont let show


Just call on me brother when u need a hand

we all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem that you'd understand

we all need somebody to lean on


lean on me when

your not strong

and ill be your friend

ill help u carry on

for it wont be long

till im gonna need

somebody to lean on


so just call on me brother when u need a hand

we all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem that you'd understand

we all need somebody to lean on


If there is a load you have to bear

That u cant carry

ill light up the road

ill share your load if you just call me

call me if u need a friend

call me every night

call me if you need a friend

call me if you ever need a friend

call me call me

call me call me call me

I'm feeling happier now ... I'm talking to Joanne and she's pretty interesting to talk to

I'm getting into my super Christmas mood. It is strange this year though .... I don't feel the same as what I usually do. A lot of my friends are saying that ... we are growing up and losing grip of the magic we saw in Christmas. It scares me to a degree, because I love holidays and I don't want to end up ... not feeling anything.
*shrugs* ...

Yea I found those ... im going to bed
bye

Words like pins still prick my fingers
sending pain rigth through my hands
all this hurt makes it hard to write
"why bother?" is what comes to mind
these scribbles of ink on papers of white
hold little value to those they are meant to please
why keep going if theyserve no purpose to anyone
but myself

A single weed among the flowers
standing proud and tall
doesn't know the pain it's causing
underneath it all
sprouting, spreading, taking over all the life below
These roots of steel keep growing strong and never seem to go

Hidden behind a sheet of dust
is the hurt, pain and dishonesty of a past that wants to be forgotten
It is not often that she reflects
for it is too hard
But sometimes she has to
and sometimes she needs to

waiting and waiting
for what is holding me back
to go away
Away so that I can truly be myself
Somebowdy
that nobody knows
not even the best of friends
It seems asthough if I truly
be myself nobody will understand
and they will turn their backs on me once more

I stood surrounded by amazing sights and sounds
The aroma of sweet perfumes and wine filtered through the air
Glasses clinked and a brass band played on
I sat their watching everything in amazement
Everyone wearing their finest clothes
Beautiful colors, textures and patterns adorned the floor
My eyes dashing from one thing to another
But then you entered the room
Simply dressed in white you caught my attention
and kept it for all this time
For when you entered that room
You entered my life

I keep searching for something to fill up this hole in my heart
All I ever find is temporary bandages,
nothing strong enough to heal
only simple distractions
that will fade with time
and expose a deeper hole

running in circles, afraid to catch up, but afraid to fall behind.
always running, always watching, I'm never far behind
But what if I fall? What if I'm passed?
I couldn't stand to lose my place
But I guess I'll have to
I see you there and I know now
that I cannot stay here after all
I must slow down
even sit
I was chasing a dream
one I could never reach

The light moves closer to me
but I do not fear it
because I know deep inside
that I shall cast no shadow
I am but a speck of dust in this world,
something that is always around
but never noticed

seeds have been planted deep in the ground
and the sun is still shining all around
wait a few months for a big suprise
a large crop and harvest, a feast for your eyes

The day has come
The sun shines bright
Upon the snow
that fell last night
it lay untouched
upon the ground
where children soon
will be abound
The patter of feet
can now be heard
along with the song
of a winters bird

The light of the sun
The cold of the snow
The whispering winds
The water that flows
The beauty of nature is always around
So take a moment, hear it all sound
The croak of a frog
The rustle of leaves
The crunching of snow
I don't want to leave

I'm in a really good mood right now with an underlying feeling of crappiness. I had a really good day today and for some reason I'm extremely happy, while at the same time I'm sad. Diana is leaving soon and today was like our last day to hangout, we did a lot but I wasn't my usual self ..... see I woke up with a headache and hives .... but I brushed all that behind and went out. We went hiking (fun but tiring) and drove around ... I feel bad though bc I was supposed to go see a movie with Diana and Joey. I feel ill though .... I thought it was an attack ... but no ... I'm just not well ... and I itch again like mad

I am in such a good mood right now.
I've actually finished my first semester of College and I am totally psyched about it. Now I'm just waiting around the school until Diana decides it's time to go to her house for a get together .... I've given out a couple of things so far today, only one actual present. It was to Joanne and she seemed to like it, so I'm happy. I seriously love seeing other people smile and everything ....

Oh yea ... Don't forget to post stuff in my guest book

It feels like there is a volleyball in my stomach right now .... I think I'm just nervous about the exam

I found my old high school poetry book, the one that I kept for class. I was flipping through it and found myself lost amung the pages. There are so many memories from my last semester of high school ... sometimes I really do miss it.
My friends and I are getting together for a big Christmas bash, it should be tons of fun!!!! Everyone will be home ... and yea ... I'm excited ... I think I might post a couple of the things I wrote ... I've become a little better at posting poetry online ... it is still strange ... so most of my really good ones don't get posted bc they are so personal

I'm in a great mood today. I'm excited because I finish exams today and hopefully I get to see Erin ....

I'm so excited to see Erin tomorrow ... atleast I think I get to see her tomorrow. I miss her sooooo much.
Dar left yesterday and already I can feel a difference, my mom doesn't seem to be so stressed and we aren't at each others throats. It's weird not having her there though

By the way ... those were just some scribbles ... it was really early in the morning

I just had my english grammar exam ... it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I was hoping to see Joanne or Michele today, but no such luck *sigh* ... I miss them both ... bc I am a loser

the sky cracks
and down comes thorny stems
white roses fall from the sky
their thorns pricking the people below
a mass of green and white falling from the moon lit sky
the moon catching the white petals
sending flashes of silver through the air
like fireworks exploding on a dark night
they fly towards the ground
straight and fast
peircing the night
the air is strangely cold tonight
painful cries ringout from the streets
and can be heard from a far
white petals splattered with red hit the ground
and by morning
there is no more

always watching
from afar
i sit and stare
but not a noise
i cannot speak
for i am mute
she makes me freeze
my body numb
thoughts run wild
i watch every movement
she is beauty
and i am beast
please be strong
what is there to lose
it is time for me to speak
move
body move
i'll lose my chance
why wont you move
shes right there
it is my chance
blast you body
shes leaving
move
move
move

I see windows
dark
no light
they are asleep

every day thoughts run through my head
but only few get written down
I know so many others
that have wild minds too
if everyone was to sit and type
what thoughts would be displayed
we all are unique
aren't we
but we have so much in common
so what would the quilt of thought be like
a blanket of warmth
a cover with holes
or nothing at all
each thought contradicting another
unable to bind
what does this mean
will i ever be warm
will I ever find answers
if everyone would sit down
maybe something good would happen
but people dont like to share thoughts
they keep them locked away
away from the world and scrutiny
i want my thoughts heard
but i can only bring myself to type so much
please help me
make me able to talk
be my friend
and understand
dont laugh
dont yell
dont speak
just listen
just read
then write
i want to hear
i want to listen to you
communication is key
as humans we lack that
so let us try
just the two of us
to form a line of communication
one of the few left in the world
we can do it

I am totally at ease ... I've had some time to calm down ... Like y'all know, I tend to be an emotional rollercoaster ... so bare with me

IM HUNGRY
It is 9:23 am and Diana is still not up ... and apparently my foot isn't either

Well yesterday had to be one of the crappiest days in a long time.
First we picked up Diana and then picked up Emme, Diana suggested to go to the Pen and even though I really didn't want to ... we did. But before we went there we stopped at Emmes old school then walked over. By the time I got to the mall I had the worst cramp/pain I've had in a long time and was worried it was the pain I get b4 I have to get taken to the Emergency ....... Anyways I told my friends to walk through the mall and come back to get me ... when they came back I was feeling a bit better especially bc Diana got me a pretzel (She's such a sweetie) ... Suddenly IU saw Joanne walk by ... my throat tightened up and I couldn't spit anything out ... So we jumped up and followed her, she went to her car though ... I quickly realized the pain was back and worse ... So I started flipping out ... I was bitching at my friends to get to the bus stop as quick as we could ... and as soon as one was there (for downtown) we jumped on it .... we left Emme there and I felt really bad ... especially since I was just acting like mega bitch .... anyways ... the bus ride was horrid ... I've never hit so many bumps ...... and I wanted to tear out my innerds ...
Well I got home ... and took some meds .... laid down and soon felt better ...
There was a bunch of other stuff that happened ... but I just wanted to say this because I feel horrid about the way I treated my friends
I don't think they understand how much they mean to me ... I mean I never really let them know ... I just kinda hope they can guess ..... but they do ... I value their friendship
So yea ... I can be a real bitch .... and I know it .... and I have trouble trying to help it ... but I'm not always like that .... it actually only really started this year .... just ask my high school friends

Well I don't think it could get any worse ... Im at a new low and cannot stop crying .... so much has fallen apart today .... including my little bit of sanity
I dont know what people want from me? But I can't give it to them .....

I'm gonna have a day to myself

Fro you brought up a good point. I too believe to some degree that being alone is some state of mind. I could be in a room full of people that care about me and yet I would still feel alone.
It is strange to try and explain feelings, I mean half the time I sit here typing away and never solve anything .... I can question myself to death and have gotten nowhere. I don't think there is usually an answer, atleast an answer that any human could ever find. We seem to settle with whatever sounds good to us .... I'm sad because I'm having a bad day ... Or I'm angry because this hapened .... when really you are just guessing .... As humans it seems like we need to define everything so that it sounds good to us ... having loose ends isn't a good thing .... is it?
I say all of this and yet I am probably the worst ... I can't just be sad or whatever ... I always try to justify why I am like that...
Hmmm ... definitions are kind of like how we label everything .... I mean personally I think I have about a bazillion labels

I've been watching too many lovey dovey movies ... I feel so alone ... un experienced ... I need to grow .... I want to experience life .... and love .... Wow, I also wish that I could type in complete sentences ...... but that's what is going on inside of me .... I think it's because I've been talking to and about Joanne so much ... She's been through so much .. I look up to the way she is .... She has lot of heart ... and is a brave person .... A lot of people are ....
I think I see something in everyone ... bravery, heart, strength, hope, life .... Every person I look at I envy .... What do I hold inside? ... Do they see that in me? ...

I don't want to end up alone ....

I must apologize for the lack of interesting posts lately, I've been super busy with school and I feel like I'm going insane trying to meet all these deadlines. Over the past two days I've begun talking to Joanne (aka hat girl) .... she is seriously an awesome person. My friends laugh because of the fact I like older women, Michele and her .... like I've said before I guess I set myself up for these things. I don't mind going out with somebody older ... but I'm sure they'd find the relationship was lacking something (brains mostly lol).
Wow, Joanne has really made me think a lot about where I stand in life .... this spring is going to bring a lot of change ... I think I want to become more independent ... I mean I'm sitting here at Diana's and I feel ... older and more at ease .... I would love to move out .... not have people constantly over my shoulder ... I feel bad cause I yell at my friends about getting in my space .... I have little time to myself
I lost my train of thought ... anyways ... I might write more later ... I'm going to enjoy my time out ...

Well I just finished my Current events exam ... I dont think it went that bad ....

Today I have to say goodbye to pregnant lady for awhile ..... it'll be a sad moment ... bc every Monday I looked forward to seeing her ...

Side note: Where's hat girl???

So yes ... we are making asses of ourselves ... more like Emily and Diana are acting like idiots and I'm just sitting here .. victim to their insanity

My head hurts ... and there was a hat girl sighting .... but it wasn't from me .... *pouts* ... I got an email from her last night though .... WHERE IS SHE????

I had just written a big long thing, only to have it erased ... as if I wasn't feeling like shit as it is
My mom has told me I need to focus on my school instead of hanging out with my friends so much. I understand where she is coming from, but she doesnt realize, my only time out is when I'm with friends, I can't just get in the car and drive. Secondly, I do focus on school, more than ever before. I've passed up many things to do school work .... I feel like I can never make them (my family proud) ... they just keep finding faults ... Anyways, I can't have friends over for awhile nor can I go out ... atleast that's what I say ... mom is just worried
Also I've been really upset bc mom keeps talking about money ... we have none ... infact we are in debt and hardly have money for me to get to school .... nevermind that ... but Christmas is coming and I can't get anyone anything .... unlike usual ... it's scary .... I mean ppl are telling me what they are getting me .... and I cant get them squat ... I just wanna say ... dont bother .... I cant do anything for you in return .... BAH!!!!!! .... I feel like a charity case ... my friend even had to buy me lunch and pay for my skating pass ... like seriously ... I feel like shit ... I went from having so much ... to this .... BLARG .... I wanna cry

Sheila, my sisters nurse, just came for her shift today and brought us gifts. She's worked here for about four years or so and only works like once a month now. Her and I used to always argue but now ... she's like family. We all opened our gifts right away, I think mom is sad that Sheila spent so much and we can't really get her anything close to what she got us. We've hit a bump in the road .... our family has hardly any money ... you may ask why don't I get a job ... well between school and my nerves I wouldn't be able to do it ... I'm waiting until spring break .... and my mom understands and agrees ... anyways ... I've been warned that this year things will be tight ... and I can't do what I usually do .... but that's ok ... I'll find other ways to spread cheer (usually I buy TONS of Christmas crackers and give them out) ... anyways ... I have to go have a shower and get ready to face the day

*sings* I wanna go out shopping today ... I know it will be crazy busy ... but I want to go out there and see the people .... watch them go about .... I'm crazy ... my feet are cold ... so I'm going to go find slippers

I must apologize: I hope you don't read this blog hoping for something extraorinary .... it's just a place for me to mumble about my day or what's on my mind ....

I'm currently so happy (I think) that I could cry .... I have a strong feeling within ... and I don't know what it is ..... it's really pushing on my chest ...
happiness?

I am in such a great mood today!!! I went to NOTL last night on the candle-light stroll (caroling) ... I had so much fun ... I can't describe the feeling I had .... I mean we were in the historic downtown .... everyone all bundled up .... singing and walking ..... the smell of chestnuts roasting, hot chocolate being made and fires burning .... AND everyone was happy and cheerful ... there is no real way for me to describe it I guess ... you just had to be there

I also had a pretty good day at school. Sure there was that underlying current of not knowing where I stand or uncomfortability (did I make up a word)
if you will ... but I'm dealing with it ... I mean ... I dont know what it is ... I said before they aren't like my high school friends ... but I don't mean now .... I mean ... when I met them ... we clicked right away ... and I admit that when I met these guys ... I felt a click ... but since then something has happened ...
for one I've noticed we have been clumping together ... Diana and Emme .... then Theresa and ... *shrugs* .... Theresa kinda floats around .... nobody really knows her ... hmmm ... I guess you could say the both of us bc I talk to her in the morning usually .... Diana and Emme used to pair up with me ... but since the entire mess with Kev they seem to have been brought together ... which I think is strange ... forget about the one that was freaking out about making everyone happy ... lmao ... I give up on understanding people ... Anyways ... yea ... there just isn't that click ... like I usually get ... but they are still my friends ... and I cherish all of my friendships ... lmao ... I've also gotten over the entire breaking things ... *shakes head* I'm such a loser

Well I have come to the conclusion that I am a lonely human

Christmas is seriously one of my favorite times of year ... I wish all of you could see my room ... I swear if you just spend 5 minutes in there drinking hot chocolate and eating cookies ... you would feel so happy .... taken back to those fond childhood memories ... well ... atleast that is the case for me .... sometimes I feel sad though .... I mean ... every year my family used to get togther to celebrate ... but nowadays we don't .... AT ALL .... there are so many complications ... it's sad really ... bc all my grams wants is for us all to sit around a table like the good ol days .... I've tried to convince everyone .... but it just doesn't seem to work .... If anyone has any ideas on bringing my family together ... PLEASE tell me ....
The other thing is that I never see my dads side of the family ... and I used to love going to see them on Christmas ... I mean .... it was really awesome ... bc I felt I was in a movie about christmas in the 1960's .... the smells and sounds .... *sigh* ... if only we could do it again ... just one more time so I could tak eit all in as much as I could before I have to say goodbye .....
I also wonder how my dad is sometimes ... I mean ... he wasnt a totally bad guy ... and I guess I do miss him every so often ... it sounds like my mom does to ... just because of the way she was talking the other day ....
My wrists are beginnning to ache from typing so much .... but I have nothing else to do at the moment ... so screw it .... I'm trying to think of what else i can bore everyone with ... I mean ... I seriously wonder how anyone can read through this ... lol

I am soooo bored out of my mind right now. I don't even know what to type about ... the sleepover, how tired I am, what I'm thinking, who I'm missing, what I want ... Blah ... I just feel like rambling on and on .... but I'm in the lab and nobody that I can talk to is around ... I really have to think about getting Christmas gifts soon ... I have a few ideas ... but I need to actually write them down ... so then I know how much I am going to end up spending ... bc god knows how poor I am .... well my family .... seeing as how I get all of my money from my mom .... isnt it sad how I buy my moms present with her own money .... or else I just make her something .... but yea ... i haven't planned out anything this year ... blah .... This Friday is the candlelight walk down in NOTL .... I swear I go to it every year ... I love walking through the historic area caroling ... I dunno ... I just stop and think about how happy all the people around me are ... and I feel a warmth .... I love it .... I love those warm fuzzy feelings ...

I NEED SLEEEEEEP .... I was fine until now ... Sugar ... caffeine .... I NEED ENERGY

Ever wonder .....
lost my train of thought

I'm running on about 2hrs of sleep right now because we decided to sleep over at Diana's ... and of course that meant talking all night. I also had my pills doubled so I'm just getting used to it ... can we say hyperactive? ... I really hope I get to see Michele or Joanne today. It's sad to think that they are both what keeps me going on days like today. I'm feeling rather strange right now because .... I don't know where I stand with my college friends. I mean I dont seem to fit in sometimes and that bugs me. I feel even worse though bc they seem to think I break everything, I'm very self concious so at times it does hurt ( I broke a couch, toilet, backpack and probably something else). It's not that though .... I sometimes just don't feel like I am like them ... I bond with each of them on a level .... but not like my highschool friends

Oh yea .. I also forgot to say that on Friday I started talking to "hat girl" ... her name is actually Joanne and she's really nice. I was shocked when she said she was 33 because she doesn't look a day over 23. *shrugs* .... anyways

I forgot to include that the kids were asking me about Mrs. Santa and I said something about her making hot chocolate and watching the elves

I have to apologize for my lack of posts recently. I have been so busy with ... stuff
This weekend was pretty good, but I feel like crap right now .... I'm sure it'll go away in awhile. All I have to do is think happy thoughts.
Friday night I stayed at the school until around 11:30 working on my photography assignment, which I must add, I am extremely proud of.
Saturday was Nimisha's birthday party. I felt like an ass because I didn't get her a present and everyone else did. I just have no money or time ... Oh well ... I'll have to make up for it at Christmas. Anyways, the party was fun ... balloon popping, pushing people off beds and making a mess of a hotel room has never been so much fun.
Sunday rolled around and by that point I was running on six hours of sleep ... but that did nothing to me. I went to the CAW hall and began to prepare for the mass of children ready to see Santa. There weren't as many kids this year as there usually is, but they were cuties. When the 7 year olds came up to see Santa I had a cute conversation with a couple of them.

Me: Hey guys, are you excited to see Santa?
Kids: YEA!!!!
1st kid: How did Santa get here?
Me: His sleigh of course
1st kid: Where is it?
Me: *points up* On the roof, where else?
2nd kid: Are the reindeer up there?
Me: Yeppers, they had to help him fly the sleigh here
1st kid: I think one of the reindeer are in that room, I heard his hoof hit the floor
Me: There might be one in there eating.Was the sound really loud?
1st and 2nd kids: yea!!!
Me: It probably was bc reindeer are really strong and can stamp down really hard
2nd kid: Maybe it is Rudolph
Me: Well did you see a glow coming from the door?
1st kid: yeeeaaaa I - think - so

So yes that was me talking to some kids. I had a couple really good conversations with the kids .... I also now know what the popular choices are for Christmas gifts ....