An Amber alert has been issued for a newborn baby taken form hospital ... believed by its parents in a black duffle bag ....
What drives human beings to do these things ... I don't understand how they could put a child's life in danger ... and if it is intended or they want to kill it ... why not before it is born .... why wait until it has had its first breath of air .... geez ... why would Plato ever believe we would want to leave the world of form ... to experience this ... oh we do have joy on this earth .... but it doesn't come without pain ... nevermind being directly involved with this ... but my heart aches just hearing about it .... pain ... is it good or bad .... no definate answer really .... ugh ... the confusion

I can officially say that I feel like crap ... I got fed up in the photography lab and just gave up on everything. I said I would come in on the weekend but I'm guessing that I will chicken out .... *shrugs* ... Next I made a total ass out of myself today ... I got all tongue twisted around the 2 people I like .... I mean ... GEEZ ... listen to me ... I'm such a loser ... all i do is complain ... *shakes head* ... maybe somebody should just lock me in a white room .... OH another thing to complain about .... after working in the dark room for awhile .... the inside of my nose turned black .... and I know it is from the lab because it happened to my friend Laura aswell ....
I wish I could be happy ... I think I make myself miserable bc some part of me either likes being unhappy or is afraid to be happy .... blah blah blah blah ...

Yet another day of ... well ... me being stressed out ... I really wish there was something that I could do to calm myself down ... I'm pretty good when I have the house to myself and can play my music .... but how often do I get the house to myself for over 15 minutes .... OMG ... I just remembered that my sister goes away this weekend and my mom is going out tonight .... HURRAY!!!! ... I should order food and watch tv ... maybe I'll paint or do some writing ... *shrugs* SO many possibilities ... lol ...
So yes ... now it seems like my day is getting better. I woke up with a soar throat ... and a bit of a stuffy nose ... which reminds me: did you know that Royale produces pocket packages of kleenex? Yes ... see that was a major news flash for me .... i got a lil over excited ... lmao .... but if you read this very often you will know that I tend to get excited over dorky things ...
I'm not really sure what else I want to post about ... I'm kind of in a rambling mood .... we all know how much I can talk ... and seeing how my throat hurts ... the computer is the only way I can release my thoughts .... which isnt the greatest thing ... seeing as how I work best when i have feedback
yea ... me typing on here is weird ... Im typing like I am talking to somebody ... when really i have no clue if anyone is reading this .... *doo doo doo* ... oh well ... I'm gonna go

Well, I guess you could say I'm having a pretty good day today. It started off with grammar and as we all know, I really dislike that class .... I get bored and frequently find myself drifting off into outer space. I've begun talking to a girl in my class and she's really nice, asked how my sister was today .... *shrugs* things like that mean a lot to me. Also last night I was talking to her about NOTL and some of the memories it brings back .... and she didnt find it corny .... ummm ... later on I had Michele's class which was awesome ... the discussion was great, despite me not being able to collect my thoughts

Sorry about not posting very much ... I've been busy with school and my sister. See I found out some really depressing news and have decided to spend as much time with her as I can ... I mean ... everyone knows how much I love my sister .... but I want to show her .... I want her to know that I would do anything for her .... I'm feeling tears well up in my eyes so I'm going to change the topic

Apparently there is some crazy ass storm on its way. I've been bombarded with warnings from the radio, television and computer ..... I always worry about getting stuck down here. I mean I don't really have a game plan if I ever get snowed in down here. My new friend Laura doesn't live very far away, so perhaps I could just stay there .... *shrugs* .... Oh well, I guess all I can do is hope for the best ... aka hope there isn't a huge storm while I'm at school. It could hit tonight and I'll be happy cause then I'd have a day off tomorrow .... actually .... I dont want a big storm ... because then there are power outages and accidents .... pain and death ... and I really don't wish for that

Oh yea .. I forgot to post about my crappy day yesterday ... well ... it was crap ... right from the beginning ... the bus was stuck behind an accident for a 1/2 hour .... then I was late for a class .... and a bunch of other things happened
Im so bored right now ... but Im going soon

I've hit one of those major moments in my life ... I know that what I was told is going to effect my future and I some how have to prepare myself or something ... I'll post more later on when I can find the will to actually type it

I don't even know where to begin right now. As we all know I have been feeling really shitty the past few days and hate it. I hate constantly feeling like it is the end of my world ... like I am nothing ... or even that there is no point to me being here ... I've put my meds beside my computer so I remember to take them, I felt a spell coming on the other day and it scared me ... being trapped inside of my body feeling like I have no control ... Even no I have no control ... My moods swing so much ... One of my friends just got really upset with me and has left the room, I really don't think it was my fault. I'm not the one causing stress in her life, so it isn't fair to freak on me. Oh well ... BLAH ... I'm so fed up ... I hate being depressed ... but I guess I should be used to it by now ...
Well ... I feel like crying ... but I'm in the middle of the open access lab ... and yea ... that wouldn't be the greatest ... infact I would probably feel worse ... BLAH ... Why couldnt my mother just pick me up right now ... blah blah blah ...
*shrugs* ... I have a feeling if I went home the girl would become even more mad at me ... i dont know what to do ...

I am feeling so nervous right now ... I think it is because I know that at some point I really have to do an interview for the article that I need to finish for next week ... I'm terrified of talking to ppl I dont know ... especially when I have to ask for permission to do stuff, like record them or whatever. *eeks* ... lol ... maybe I have entered the wrong field ... NAH ... I'm nervous now, but as soon as I open my big mouth I'm fine, infact ... I don't shut up ...

WHOA ... a girl from my class just totally guessed that I would interview Michele and said that she knew I liked her (i dont think she knows how much) ...
I feel horrible that I don't know many people in my program ... especially with paper production coming up ... "hey ... you ... do you know how this works?" .... I'm sure that'll sound great ... I really only know Theresa, Mel and Ang ... I talk to Ashley online every so often ... but we arent close by any means .... she seems like a really nice person ..
I think the reason I haven't become friends with all of them ... is this preconception that they are like the ppl from elementary and high school .... the ones that used to constantly pick on me .... talk behind my back ... and all of that kind of shit ...
I feel bad ... I mean ... I'm being so judgemental ... but I cant help it ... Not after the ... torture that I went through when I was younger ... i cant set myself up ... to become friends with these ppl ... and then .... have them hurt me ... BLAH ... me and my fears ... fears that consume me ....
I think my goal for this semester, along with getting good grades, will be to become friends with everyone .... Caitlin seems to be a nice person ... so maybe that's where I should start ... I mean ... Im not as afraid of her as some other people ...


lmao ... a friend just came in the lab and sat a few seats away from me on the other side of the row I am at ... lmao ... I wonder if she'll notice ... Im guessing not ... BAH ... where the hell is everyone ... im bored outta my mind ... I mean look at how much i posted ... that is definately not normal

Man am I tired .... I swear ... if the day doesn't go by quicker I think I am going to go insane ... oh wait .. i already am ... I hope theresa gets out early so we can go eat or something .... but she has the grammar nazi .. so im guessing that wont happen anytime soon .... man ... if Geddie ever saw my blog ... I think she would have a heart attack and then fail me ... lol .... which reminds me ... Im very proud of myself today ... bc despite the fact that I missed last class I was able to answer questions that other people werent ... it was funny though ... bc after the first part of todays class ... we all realized that we handed in our assignment wrong ..
Ok ... some girl I know was about to sit beside me in the lab .. but then walked away .... what the hell is up with that ... I know Im creppy but please ...
I feel like I am typing a bazillion miles a minute ... and yet not really accomplishing anything ... *shrugs* ... Im so weird ... I dont think that would bug most people ... but it bugs me ... I feel like I should be typing something worthwhile ... ummm ... I forgot my train of thought ... oh well
Yesterday I decided it was tim eI find a new crush ... and right now there are 4 ppl in the running ... lmao ... it sounds like they should be honored to have me like them ... well I dont mean it like that .. I just mean I have to find somebody to focus on ... so that Im peppier at school ...
I think ppl find me depressing at times ... which is strange to think when everyone keeps telling me that I make people happy ... I mean .. what is up with that .. anyways ... Im going to go play on neopets ... Ill probably be back in a minute bc of boredom

Man ... these past couple of days have been really interesting .. I mean speak of emotional rollercoasters ... I think I hold the record for the lowest and highest points in a small time frame ... I swear I am insane ... maybe it is time to take my pills again ... I mean ... I can feel that feeling ... and I hate it .... today during philosophy I felt the feeling I felt b4 I had my pills ... and the first night I had them ... where my brain just wont stop ... it is constantly processing various things ... and never really getting anywhere ....
I know I complain on here a lot ... and write about idiotic things ... but I hope you all realize that isnt all I am ... that I do have a mind ... and do keep things locked inside of me ... something I think everyone is guilty of .... I think about things that Im guessing many people would be surprised of .... I have theories about different things ... but I dont tell them to anyone ... I fear they wont uinderstand ... or that they will laugh at me ... they being the general public ... blah .... I have so much fear and .... well ... I dont think of myself very well ... I think that is something I have to work on ... I mean ... last night I was freaking out about the way my friends percieve me ...
I mean a lot of shit has been going on .. and I really dont know who to believe ... its at the point that i dont want to listen ... bc if one person is telling the truth and the other is lying or if they are both lying I will be extremely upset ... aka it is a lose lose situation ... and apparently Im upset bc I realize that they both cant be telling the truth ... blah ...
I hate being here alone ... I have another 2 hours of nothingness and it is driving me batty ... I just want to eat, go home and sleep .... possibly go to Walmart and pick up some things ... but I know I cant do anything until my osap comes in ... which wont be until friday or later .... blah ... now im hungry

I had such a strange dream last night .... this is after seeing Mona Lisa Smiles for the second time.

I was at my grandma B's old house playing cards with a bunch of my friends.we were sitting beside the stove in a little area infront of a door to a washing room and another to the basements. Anyways grams had to go and get something for dinner and grandpa and a few other people were in the room with the tv ... first I was kind of hungry and searched through the cupboards for something to eat ... all I saw were these poptarts that looked like they were rotting or something and after a while a decided, what the hell, and ate one.... they tasted really good. Then sat back down, gramps soon came out and asked what was on the stove and I said I didn't know. Then he was talking about me cleaning at home and I said I do some things but I hate dishes and laundry. He just laughed and said that I should do it even though I hate it. Then I was in the tv room with him and other family members. Joey and Diana were there and suddenly they seemed to disappear *shrugs* ... then I left the room bc I had to go ... and gramps smiled and waved
My grandfather passed away when I was in grade 8 ... 5 years ago ...

I had another dream ... actually I think it was attatched. Joey and I were going somewhere and decided we should get Nimisha, who lived 1/2hr away ... so we got her and went where ever we had to go .... and then went to this town looking for a place to amil a package. Nimisha and I ran off bc we were fed up with Joey ... and then we ended up back with him in the car. Then we started driving and stopped at this old country house bc it was getting late and joey didnt want to drive Nimisha home and said she should just stay over night ... we started driving and picked up my friend Sandy ... then we had to stop for a drink and look for another place to drop off the package ... so we all got out and looked around ... Sandy decided to jog up further ... then Joey Nimisha and I climbed in the car and drove up further to look .... and we found a flea market!!!!!!!! but they turned around to pick up sandy and wouldnt let me go .... anyways we were driving back and passed Sandy ... and for some reason we couldnt turn around and get him bc the roads were stupid and joey was being an ass ... so yea ... Nimi and I started talking and thats all I remember


Anyways ... Im sure you didnt find that interesting but I did ...
I've been pretty pissed off for the past 21hrs bc a friend of mine let me in on a bit of ... information that I find ... I cant even describe ... but I am seriously pissed off ... I feel used ... idiotic ... like garbage .... and you know what ... I guess I should have seen it coming ... this is what I get for trusting ppl ... I give them the benefit of the doubt ... which screws me over in the end ... Im going though bc Im ready to cry again ... this person has really made me feel like shit ....

i just talked about it with friends .. and we say train ... as in ... train off track ... yea ... so ... after that

Well today is another day ... and let me tell you ... what a day it is ...
I started things off with my philosophy through film course .... its great ... did you know that basically everything isnt real ... but a copy of an idea ... an example or version ...
Anyways ... that has paved a path for a bunch of overthoughts that I will probably post later on ... when I'm not so tired and confused .... I mean my teacher pretty much just taught me that everything I know is wrong ... lmao .... anyways ... next came Michele's class ... which as always was quite ... ummm ... eventful ... it started off with a 10 minute period of her trying to A) get the damn projector to work .. and B) trying to get her microphone at the perfect volume ... which doesnt really matter bc she always ends up twisting her head away from it ... or hitting her chest when she coughs .... *shrugs* ... she tries .... finally she was able to go on with lecture which was an explanation of the course ... including a frightening "WARNING" about penalties .... I lost my train of thought ... my friend Kelly says track of thought ... i guess that would make sense bc a train goes on tracks ... but now im confused at what I should say

aaaaaaaaaaaa .... its the nurse i hate

lmao ... I just read theresa's new blog and I love it ... I swear her posts make her sound like Dr. Seuss .... ha ha ha .... i think maybe I should just write the strange ramblings that go through my head ... believe it or not I really do edit what I post ... as in I dont post really deep things ... nor do I post the stuff I write when I am on a suagr high or whatever .... I mean ... I scare myself sometimes ... a long time ago I wrote a story during a hyper period of mine called Mullet Mandy ... I think I may have even posted it on here ... but you know what ... later on tonight .... when I am yet again bored out of my mind ... I think I will post it again .... and you can all laugh at the inasanity known as Gillian .... yes everyone ... I am admitting to the fact that I am insane .... and if you dont take my word for it ... just ask one of my friends ....
Oh ... I just remembered ... ppl could you please type in my guestbook ... I sometimes feel like answering posts or whatever ... but there is never anything for me ....
la la la al alalalallala *sings* ... anyways ... Im going to go have a shower and put on my hot patch .... bye

I stayed home again because I still felt like there was a football in my stomach ... but I'm feeling better now ... I almost wish I had gone to school ... but knowing my luck I'd pass out or something ... I've been excited to go back ... and this had to happen ... grrrrr
Anyways ... I dont remember what I was going to type about .... and it was important
Oh well ... Im talking with a friend right now about Bush's new moon thing ... *rolls eyes*

I feel like I have a football in my stomach

Well I'm back at school and as we can see I have a lot of spare time to write in here ... atleast for now I do. I actually wanted to play on neopets but apparently the computer doesn't want me to .... anyways I'm going to go fiddle around and I shall be back later

Well I am in a great mood today, despite the fact I have no plans and am bored out of my mind already .... *shrugs* What can you do though .... Over the past couple days I've reorganized a few things to get ready for school (I go back tomorrow), mom says that when she gets paid on Friday she'll give me money to get get some organizing stuff ... for some reason I've become obsessed with getting organized (sad eh) ... i think it is from watching that damn show clean sweep ... then again I used to be OC
Anyways .... Im going to go now and work on that darn painting that is taking forever to do .... but I have to say I really like the way it looks so far (Im half way done)

I feel like shit .... and you know what ... I can't even post why ...... I have so much going on in my head ... I mean I've had a lot of time to just sit and think ... I actually haven't done anything since Friday night, well I went to the mall and ate with Joey on Monday .... but other than that I haven't done anything .... just sit .... and think .... while I do mindless activities ..... ARGH ... I just want to scream and cry ... but there are people around ... I hate not being able to release ... i always have .... usually I just put on my music ... but bc of the good quality of my speakers my mom yells .... and I hate the feeling of headphones ... so I'd rather not use my mp3 player ....
I think I might just go lay out in the snow .... like when I was little and would fall asleep in it .... but alas ... the air is too cold ..... you know what ... since I cant post whats going on in my life and inside of me ... Im just going to end it ... I'll write in my paper journal

BAH .. it feels so right sometimes ....

Rach: you are totally not fair with the entire blushing thing ... one day I am totally going to get you back for everything

I think it is time that I begin writing some new pieces to post in my other section. Also I think I'm going to try and figure out how to post pictures bc I could do a picture blog too

Well ... I was just watching this show and one of the main characters said that long distance relationships never really work out bc as soon as somebody real comes along ... that person runs and says that they need to talk ... and everyone knows that those words spell trouble .... I don't know anyone that has been in a lasting long term relationship ... but if I went out with Rachel that is what it would be ... I dunno ... but the fact that those words were muttered has me thinking .... why must I overthink everything ... I analyze stuff that isn't even real ... BLAH ... I guess it wouldn't be that long distance ... she'd only be 1.5 hrs away .... but still ... even those relationships are hard ... there are more break ups then long term relationships when it comes to distance ...
Anyways ...
I got an email from Michele today. I miss her so much, she was somebody that I could talk to about different issues .... or during class all she had to do was look at me and realize that I had a question in my head ... and before I even spit it out she would answer it ... Meh ... her email was just in response to my happy new year email ...
As for Joanne ... I haven't heard from her in a couple of days ... but she has me hooked on that song by The Flys

Ok ... so I've done a lot of thinking and read over a few of my more recent posts ... I've begun to think that maybe Rach is right, maybe I am in love with being in love and I want it too badly ... that i would settle for the wrong reasons .... Anyways ... I'm a little freaked out now .... and I don't know what to do ... maybe I shouldn't be looking for love ... maybe friendship with somebody that could develop into a relationship is all I need ... Oh bloody hell ... I dont know anymore ... the only thing I know is I want another cookie

Well I talked to Rachel for a bit ... she's so awesome. I feel bad bc I am so quiet on the phone ... but I guess it's better than taking a chance of making an ass out of myself ... which we all know I do quite a lot ... I mean look at my last sappy post ... I swear .... I'm a nut bar ... Anyways ... I emailed her something and I'm waiting to hear back .... things sound good though ...

Well ... I can't stop crying ... but hey ... I'm used to it ... there probably is a rational explanation for why I can't get ahold of Rach to have a decent conversation ... She told me to call at 9:30 but apparently it sounds like she is going out or something ... ummm ... yea ... I'm just a lil down ... I'll be fine ... *bawls* ... mom says my music is thumping and she's going to bed ... so I've lost the last thing keeping me sane at his moment ... umm ... yea ... I think I'm going to paint

Oh ... I posted the link to the site where I post my writings ... now if only I could remember to type them up .... or even save them instead of throwing them away

I'm listening to the music from Little Women, and may I say I love this ..... I want to ... to ...
My mother just came in and told me to turn it down *sigh* ... maybe another day ...

Well I'm feeling better now than I was this morning.
In a couple hours I get to call Rachel and talk to her for awhile, I'm so excited. I think the only thing I'm worried about is explaining the phone bill to my mother, but no worries, I'll pay for it somehow .... I also must admit that I am nervous, I don't know what she's going to say, if she even likes me .... I guess I'll just act calm .... lol ... there is nothing to get myself all frazzled about.
I think I might do a bit of cleaning tonight, I might even get out my paints and do that for a bit ..... there is a spot in my room where I want to put 2 small paintings that I have done .... the only problem is I don't keep my artwork .... much like I dont keep my writings .... I guess it is that fear of people finding it and looking at it ... questioning why I do what I do .... say what I say .... it's strange though ... bc deep down inside I must want somebody to look at what I create .... otherwise why would I create it .... sure it helps to just release things .... but why in suchg a manner ... I could just whisper them ... and sure there is that fear that somebody could hear ... just like there is that fear that somebody could view .... I'm guessing I've lost everyones interest ... but that's ok .... I like writing this .... hoping somebody might actually care .... somebody might not mind my rambling .... the strange way I drift from topic to topic ... never really finishing my thoughts .... the way I use dots .... lol ... I hate when people laugh at the posts I find serious .... when they laugh at me ...don't they see that sometimes I pour my heart out here .... that them being able to read this means something .... sure it is a public blog ... but I could just aswell keep it to myself ... lock all of this up in a neatly bound book ....

WHY DO SOME PPL FIND JOY IN FRUSTERATING ME ...

I'm in a really good mood today .... but for some reason I am tired as hell.

NAOMI IS MY FAV PERSON ... SHE GOT AHOLD OF RACH ..... I AM SOOOO SOOO HAPPY RIGHT NOW .... IM GOING TO CALL HER TOMORROW .... EEEEHHHHEEEEE

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile ... blogger wouldn't let me in yesterday .... So much has happened since the last post

1. It is now 2004 and I would like to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
My New Years was awesome, I went to the big bash in Niagara Falls. A lot of interesting things happened .... a drunk guy, pushing, being on tv, nimisha blowing a popper and getting it in her mouth .... lots of fun things
2. Joey and Diana are officially going out ... I knew they would ... I hope everything works out for them .... and I'd also like to thank them FOR FINALLY MAKING IT OFFICIAL
3. I still haven't heard from Rachel
4. My sister was in the hospital again .... Jan 1st 3am she went in again and stayed there for 9hrs .... they treated her and my mother like crap .... and .... well I feel horrible .... Usually I go with mom so we can take shifts watching her ... incase one of us needs a drink or bathroom break ..... and I wasn't there .... instead I was off having fun at Nimi's place .... I dunno ... I feel really bad .... My poor sister was stuck in the ER with the drunks and car accident victims, flu patients and who knows what else ..... new Years is one of the worst times to be in the ER ... and my little sister was ... and I wasn't there to watch her ... make sure she was ok ... I dunno .... Im her big sister .... the one that scares the monsters out from under her bed, that puts bad guys in there place, that protects her from nightmares .... I'm the one that wrestles with her and is there for anything ... but I wasnt there this time and that scares me .... I mean she took one of her blue spells .... where she can't breathe .... you know .... like ... near death ... Bah ... I dont wanna talk about it anymore
5. I have no clue what I am going to do today ... but I'm bored ... like really really really bored