I just learned how to post pictures ... so yea ... If you haven't checked out Fro's website, here are some pictures from the pylon party we had ....



Go here to see more

Oh yea ... I've been playing around with html ... so pay no attention to the crazy colors and weird happening that are going on ... I should have it figured out later this week

YESTERDAY WAS SO AWESOME!!!!
I ended up going to Jordan with mom and grams, we went through a bunch of Antique shops ... so y'all can only imagine how happy I was. To make things better I ended up buying a picture of Shirley Temple, for my movie wall. I only wish I could find some more 8x10 movie posters, especially old ones. Anyways ... I came home, arranged a ride and then went to my old high school to see their production of Bye Bye Birdie ... and might I add that I loved it .... I especially enjoyed watching Kelly and Becka play their parts .... After the play (11:30) a group of 5 of us went over to Tim Hortons and talked .... we had a pretty good discussion about what drives people to do what they do ... and the strange pleasures people find in things .... Bethany was talking about how after releasing anger the endsomething or others that are released into our body make us feel good ... and that turned into a discussion about how each of us have our own little ticks or moments .... I wish I could remember everything bc it would be pretty interesting to post it all on here .... I mean we each take a number of classes so there are all of these different sides to an issue ..... LMAO ... I do remember how it was all ended with a speech about how everyone is corrupt and that in every area of our society something is wrong .... we have pedephiles in the church, robbers in the government and a beast within each one of us .... *shrugs* .... Once again I wish I could remember how it was said .... sad part being it was me that said it ... and then everyone added something else to it ..... not to say that my friends are pessimists .... just ... yea ... we were realizing just how unappealing things can be

The day has just begun and I can already tell that I am going to be in one of my thinking/ what ever you want to call it moods.
This past week I've been thinking about how I miss my dad and I haven't really said that before. He wasn't that bad of a person, it was just he had/has a disease that he can't control .... I have barely started typing and the thoughts keep pouring through my head .... each one contradicting another to the point that I can't seem to get it out ... maybe that is my problem .... I need to straighten things out in my head .... Anyways ... awhile ago I saw my dad at the mall and he asked how I was doing and found out that I was in College taking Journalism ... he seemed happy to hear that .... he asked if I had money on me and then gave me $40 ... it really helped bc I picked up some more stuff for school .... he gave me a hug and said he'd call within the next 2 days or so bc he still had Christmas gifts for us and thought maybe he could take me to Swiss Chalet .... I was excited because that would have been the perfect way to start things up ... but instead ... he never called ... and I haven't heard from him since .... That was a let down .... but I guess I should have made it more clear that I was ready to start talking to him and stuff .... I mean he may have given up cause it has been 4yrs since we have really spent a long amount of time together .... *shakes head* .... I don't know what to think .... He's my father, I know he loves me and I love him .... yea ....
Well I'm going to go cause mom wants to use the computer and then we are going out to do goodness knows what ....

Yet another fun filled day .... NOT .... I feel like my brain is on overload, all day today I've been either writing papers OR preparing to write papers ... the best part is that I still have 2 to do tonight when I get home .... I'm guessing I'll finish about 1.5 ... because during my writing blitz I have to watch Survivor ... lmao ... sad but true ... TV has proven to be a significant part of my life ... Anyways ... lately I've been really questioning the world around me ... I guess you could blame that on my philosophy course ... I've been recently studying Plato, Hume and Descartes ... it's amazing the way they thought ... I wish that I could just sit and have tea with them .... I wonder what it would be like .... lol ... I'd probably feel like an ass because they are such intillects (sp?) and I'm just ... well ... an idiot ... once again ... sad but true .... if you think about it we all are .... hardly anyone knows anythig about the world ... there is jsut too much information out there ... even if you wanted to know everything you couldn't

My head is about to explode bc I have so much stuff crammed into it ....

I feel like I am slowly losing myself in a way ... Like I am becoming something I hate and I really have to get back to where I was .... I seem to be more offensive ... I'm not the gentle giant anymore ... people see me as a jekyl and hyde personality ... one moment I'm a timid little mouse and the next moment I'm some big bully, waiting for you to screw up just to laugh ... I wish people wouldn't think that of me ... I try to be sarcastic and stuff but people don't get my humor ... and when I try to speak ... I don't seem to be able to grasp the right words ....
My one friend is able to look at me and see what I am, she can see how I'm feeling ... and is able to find things out with out even asking .... she's only known me a short while now .... but I find it interesting the way she does that ... *shrugs* ... I want to know what her true opinion of me is

Next ...

I feel like I have a bazillion things to do .... but dont seem to be accomplishing anything ... grrr I hate it ....

Ummmm .... OH

I'd like to thank Emily for putting up with peoples rants .... do note you can rant to me anytime


Blah ...

I lost my train of though bc the enter button just jammed on me .... grrrrr .... ummm ... anyways .... I'm lonely ..... I truly am ....

Anyways ... sinc I lost my train of thought and keep dozing off ... I'm going to go to bed ... hopefully I'll get a good night sleep

Man am I having the strangest day. All last night I had dreams about hurting my back and then I woke up with a sore back. Then to make things worse I threw out my hip on the bus and twisted my back in class ....

The good feelings keep continuing and I can't help but question why. I know I should just accept the fact that I am happy .... but I can't help but be skeptical.

Anyways, I had a really good day today. I decided that I would do things that I like to do ... not try to impress anyone, make anyone happy or anything like that ... I just concentrated on myself.
I went to the greenhouse in Niagara Falls and took a few amazing shots of the plants and birds, then drove through some really nice natural areas and finished the trip off with a trip to an English bakery and a quick stop at blockbuster.
I felt so good today. I realized that lately I've lost track of the world around me, I haven't taken time to look at everything. I think Caitlin helped me realize that I needed to take a moment to myself ... I forget what exactly it was that she said ... but it sparked something inside of me.
I think the only down part about today is the stiffness I am feeling bc I've been sleeping awkward .... and my ear is beginning to really hurt. Other than that I am still in a great mood ... and I'm loving it. I think what scares me is that I could wake up in the morning and these feelings wont be as strong ...
I have a few other things I want to post about bc I am in a deep posting mood ... but my ear is hurting so Im going to lay down b4 i have a dizzy spell.

I'm listening to a song from the musical RENT, it's called Season of Love ... and it is one of those songs that I just can't seem to turn up loud enough. I feel the song pumping through me and I feel like a child again ... when things didn't seem so bad ... I have this over bearing feeling of hope and love ... I want to play the song so that everyone can hear it ... *sigh* ...


SEASON OF LOVE

COMPANY
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments So Dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife

In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life

How About Love?
How About Love?
How About Love?
Measure In Love

Seasons Of Love
Seasons Of Love

SOLOIST #1
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Journeys To Plan

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man?

SOLOIST #2
In Truths That She Learned
Or In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died

ALL
It's Time Now - To Sing Out
Tho' The Story Never Ends
Let's Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Measure In Love

SOLOIST #1
Measure, Measure Your Life In Love

Seasons Of Love...
Seasons Of Love

I am so hopeless .... I swear I fall for people it wont work with ... right now Im freaking out bc a song came on that reminds e of this girl I like ...
I have some important things I want to post tonight ... only bc I keep posting mindless things ...

No fears, I am still alive ..... and I am STILL in a good mood!!!
I have an article due tomorrow and I cannot collect my thoughts and apply them to paper. I swear .... this is one of the easiest assignments and I can't seem to do it .... I have so many ideas but I don't consider any of them to be good enough .... I want to write a column that people will find interesting, funny and moving .... grrrr .... why do I care so much? .... I mean some people just wrote out the first thing that came to mind .... they didnt wait until 500 ideas later ... to start .... *shakes fist*

I'm still in a good mood, but I would be lying if I said it wasnt fizzing out. I dunno, I don't seem to be able to stay happy for long periods of time

OMG I AM IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD ... AND JUDY GARLAND IS PLAYING

So yea .. they were getting all of these cute little valentine's and I felt like crap ...
but anyways ... I was complaining this morning and Caitlin pointed out that I did get a valentine ... from her ... lol .. I thought that was cute ... anyways .. I'll post more in a bit

I am in such a good mood today ... despite the fact my shoe freakin came apart ... but is that going to detour me from buying shoes at payless ... of course not ... but I must say my heal is really cold ... lmao
Anyways ... I was all upset this weekend everyone was talking about how their "significant others" were getting them all these things ... bah .. ppl .. write later

Wow ... if anyone wants to hear a beautiful song .. listen to Impossible Dream ... from Man of LaMancha

Does anybody actually read this??? Could you post in my guestbook??? I'm guessing nobody does .... but I hope ... I mean ... I really do ....

So yea ... I hate this entire 50 feelings at once ... I mean it is seriously hard to cope with ... hmmm ... I just thought ... I wonder if people can hear my music ... cause I'm listening to Broadway show tunes so they probably think I am wacko ... lol ... a teenager listening to show tunes ... what's with that ... atleast I fit the gay male stereotype ... well ... I dont know if that is the greatets thing seeing as how Im not a guy ... *shrugs* ... Im just starting to ramble bc I am bored as all hell .... la la la ... I wrote some stuff on paper that I might post ... you know ... if I feel like it later on ... Im strongly doubting it though ... I'm listening to a showtunes radio show on launch.com ... they are playing songs from Frog and Toad .... a book made into a movie ... I grew up with that book ... my grams and gramps had a pond at their old house ... and my aunt used to always sit with me on the benches beside it and read me the story ... as I watched the frogs and fishes go by ... man ... I miss those days ...

Umm .. I forgot to say what was so good ... well ... my class with Michele was awesome ... we did a circle discussion and I loved every minute of it ... despite I was briefly forgotten about ... also .. after class I had one of those great discussions with Michele ... she was honestly worried about me last week and wanted to see if things were ok ... I dunno ... it was great

Today is another day ... and well ... it has been pretty good ... like I can't tell you how good it has been .... up until now ... well ... its not bad or anything I just am going through a bunch of different feelings .... like, confusion, sadness, anger, frusteration (lots of that) ... and just everything ....

I think I lost my friends

Well .. I'm heading out to black walnut .. I'll post when I get out there ... perhaps something interesting will happen ... lmao

I'm in a better mood again. I have to go for an xray and bloodwork after school ... but that doesn't worry me .... I mean I'm so used to it .... what worries me is when I have to go in to see how everything is .... I hat ehearing what is wrong with me
Anyways ... theresa says I have 100 crushes ... I feel I now have to say that ... yes I have 8 or 9 crushes ... but only 2 main ones right now ... and Im not going to say who .. incase they some how find out the address to this ... and actually care enough to check it out .... Anyways ... I'm so tired right now .... I wish that there was an earlier bus so I could go home now .... Meh ... I guess it isn't that bad seeing as how I have a few things that I have to finish today ... Like my assignment for computer class that is due tomorrow morning at 8:30 and I can only do at school ... which is kind of a pain in the ass .... oh well ... I complain too much .... but hey ... you dont really have to be reading this .... I mean ... there are far more interesting people that have blogs ... oh yea ... check out my friend's website ... I'll post the link on the side later on tonight ... when I actually feel like screwing around with html ... goodness knows I suck at using that stuff ... I mean give me pictures and text in something like powerpoint or microsoft word ... even print shop ... and I can make it look good ... but html ... actually remembering codes and everything ... I don't think so ...
Can you tell that I am just trying to waste time ... I mean there really isn't a point to this ...
OMG ... today philosophy was so confusing ... I think I need to just accep tthings and not question so much ... bc in the edn I end up screwing with everyone else's heads ... atleast the people around me ...
Blah .. I really need to find myself a girlfriend ... I'm terrified of going to a gay bar though ... don't ask where the hell that came from ... bc I really have no clue ... *shrugs* ... well ... I'm going to go email my friend Erin ... I kinda miss her ... and wish that she was back now ... instead of Saturday ... OMG ... she's back on saturday

I went to the doctors about my foot ... and he said I could have a stress fracture or whatever ... and it could be bc of walking or climbing stairs ... then he said but it could be bc I am so overweight ... and it hurt ... I know I'm big but I hate hearing it ... can't I be big and happy??? ... like I exercise everyday for atleast 10-30mins .... but nothing ... and Im not the worst eater in the world .... I also like being how I am ... I'm so used to it .... I like being the cuddly giant .... but then there are those days ... that all I see is fat ... and I begin to feel depressed .... I just look at the excess weight I have and shake my head .... I mean ... this entire body image sucks ... and Im so fed up

WOW ... I am in such a good mood ... I feel like jumping around the room ... but I wont .. bc that is just embarassing .... lol ... just watch tonight I'll be all depressed .... but I cant bc AMERICAN IDOL WILL BE ON

I'm feeling a little releaved right now ... I had a really good day ... I mean it started off a lil shaky bc my aunt called from Newfoundland and she was having a nervous break down ... but right now ... I'm so comfortable and at peace ... it's amazing ... I can't even describe it ... I'm just ... happy ... lol .. I just listened to two songs called Sunrise and they are both awesome ... *dances around* ... I just pictured everyone in the lab jumping up and dancing ... lol ... my own mind made music video ...

lmao ... I just read theresa's blog and her and Ron stole a bunch of pylons from the mall ... what the hell is wrong with my friends???? Oh yea ... I forgot to post a thank you note to Theresa.
Theresa: thank you so much for your help the other day, it means a lot to know I have people that I can count on to help me out
PS: Shame on Theresa, Ron, Lindsay and Nimisha for steeling pylons this past week

You know what a loser I am? I'm upset about a pylon ...
My friends stole a pylon for the hell of it ... and tomorrow we are having a pylon themed party ... I dunno ... I'm a lil upset ... stupid I know ... but isn't steeling steeling? ... wow I'm a loser ...

Yesterday I wrote this really long post that I see hasn't actually been posted, oh well, it is probably better. It was me ranting as usual about how crappy I felt and a bunch of other things ... soon after (5mins after) I had an anxiety attack. I went and called mom who said just to ask somebody to take me to the health centre. So I did what she said, the walk to the center felt so long ... my breathing was eratic and everyone was starring at me ... right when I got in and asked for a room I blew up. A really nice woman that worked there came in and had to do breathing exercises with me ... it was shorter than usual ... but still just as scary .... especially being at school.
I'm depressed today ... my brain isn't functioning right ... it's asthough there are signals getting interrupted. I'll put the milk in the cupboard, forget what I'm doing or even have a dizy spell .... I hate it I really do .... and the depression
Yesterday I felt like I was lying to myself ... that over the past few months I haven't been myself ... I haven't done the things I like bc I'm afraid .... I constantly want to appeal to EVERYONE and help them aswell .... but nomatter what I do ... it feels like nothing works ... so I'm guessing all I can do is go back to being myself
I like classical music and jazz ... I love walking through NOTL and other historical places ... Gardening and writing intrigue me .... being quiet is how I am sometimes ... I'm not a party person and I don't drink .... I can't fix everyones problems ... and not everyone will like me .... sure I can help people ... but some people dont want my help .... I like sitting out on my balcony staring at the city .... I see something in everything .... I cry easily ... I get depressed ... I have problems ... that I can't always handle .... just bc I smile I'm not happy .... illusions are all around .... I am a hypocrit (we all are) .... I love my sister .... I love the cold .... the dark scares me ... and so does loneliness .... I like simple things that people think are dorky .... I hold back a lot of things despite what ppl think ... I do get mad and frusterated ... I am human

I don't understand humans .... why do people ask you what is wrong then yell at you for telling them? Why don't people understand that we are all equal? Why don't the morals we learn in kindergarten seem to apply now? Why can't everyone get along? Why do people think their problems are worse?... I mean it depends on who you are and how you handle things

Sorry about not posting again .... I've been busy like always with school and everything .... I'm actually busy right now ... but I'll try to post later on this afternoon