I'm in such a great mood today!
Currently I'm in computer class and we have an assignment worth 20% of our mark .... I'm done 1hr early .... but we aren't allowed to leave until everyone is done .... hence why I'm typing ... oh yea ... never help ppl bc all they do is bite off your head
I read my post from last night ... and laughed my ass off because I have no recollection of typing that ... I mean I know I was on the computer ... but I don't remember typing that *shrugs* ... maybe I was taken over by aliens ... lmao ...
So yes ... it's just a really good day ... and I have some news for a few friends that may bring down their stress level *shrugs* ... I also have to talk to teachers an book a camera for the weekend bc I am going to an information picket about Bill-8 ... it allows health ministers to step in and do what they feel is needed to end a deficit ... which includes possibly privatizing certain places .... can I just say I'm afraid of the people that run our country ... *shrugs* ... but it's not as if there is anything that I an really do .... lol ... maybe I should become prime minister ... lmao
Oh shit ... that's funny ...
So I'm going to go ... maybe I'll have an email or something

Well it's 4:30am and I'm in a great mood .... tired .... but happy .....
I was staring out my window ... it's so peaceful at this time .... I wanted to go out on my balcony .... but since Dar is in the living room I can't .... *shrugs* ..... but yea ..... I'm in another good mood .... despite my post last night .... I'd type more but I'm half asleep ... and probably wont remember typing this later

You know what .... I'm fucking pissed off .... I had such an amazing day .... and then at around 3:25 it went downhill .... and then I crashed .... thinking that was the end .... I kept treking on .... only to realize .... nope I'm still travelling downhill ....

So this old man .... I don't even know who he is .... all I know is that he pissed me off ... you know .... made me really angry (keep note of that) .... Anyways, this old man came and sat beside a few of us on the couches in the cafe .... he was reading his paper and then decided to join our conversation .... basically he was trying to appear superior to us .... superior in intellect .... I mean, by all means you can add input into a conversation .... but by no means should you try to degrade students .... 2 people left .... leaving Emme and I with him .... He decided to say that we weren't in tune with the English language ... and that it was apparent that we were only College students .... and that maybe one day we'd be able to go to University .... where .... people must be such brainiacs .... I wish I would have tape recorded it to play it back to you all .... but people can vouch that he was very rude .... and the thing is ... I'm studying journalism .... I'm trying really hard .... and I think that I am doing a pretty damn good job .... but this guy just totally knocked me down .... and humiliated me .... one thing I worry about is the way people percieve me .... I like to think that I'm a smart individual .... I mean by no means am I a brainiac ... but I'm smart .... Anyways ... this guy made me feel like an ass ..... So I went into the bathroom and bitched ... went to the lab .... and ran back to the bathroom where I bawled my eyes out ...
So I took a breathe and tried to brush it off .... I wet to the bus stop and after a while I pulled my hand out of my pocket only to realize I had all this pen in my pocket ... and it turned my fingers blue .... nothing big ... I laughed it off .... then I boarded the bus and there was water on my seat .... I just wiped it off and sat down ... after driving for a bit ... I realized I was sitting underneath a leak .... yep ... that capped it all off .... but wait ....
I hopped into my car and told my aunt and mother about how I got pissed off at this man .... YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID .... they asked me if I had been taking my medication ..... Do you have any idea what that felt like ..... I just wished my bottle of pills were there so I could take the hole damn thing .... pills cant stop every feeling ... anger is a part of life .... but hearing my family say that hurt .... I felt even more like an idiot .... now I'm an immature person that can't handle anything ... omg .... WHY is everyone else allowed to get angry .... I try to be a decent person ... sure I have my breakdowns and anxiety attacks .... but geez .... is it wrong to be angry .... I know tons of people that flip out a lot more then me .... are they taking their pills .... I guess its true bc I've just written an entire rant .... I want to crawl into a hole right now ... a deep dark hole ....

I'm going through a happy phase ... one where every little thing makes me smile ... Last night mom took me for a drive down to NOTL where I took some pics with my digital ... I'll eventually get around to posting them ... but yahoo has been acting up for me ... Anyways, they are pictures of the gazebo, lake and the cemetery ..... I don't know why ... but I seem to have fallen in love with cemeteries ... and the ones in NOTL are so historic and beautiful .... Now, if you want to talk about cemeteries .... the ones in New Orleans are amazing .... they are all above ground .... and walking through them is definately an experience .... Yep .... I think if I ever end up travelling (I really really want to) .... I'm going to have to stop at all the different cemeteries ....
Ok ... now that I have creeped everyone out ... I'm going to go ... to school .... and for some reason ... I have butterflies in my stomach and a crick in my neck

Ok, I did a few quizzes that were on Emme's blog ... I tried posting them but it screwed up everything .... So I'll just tell you what they said .... Basically I'm a neglected child ... that doesn't like to get angry ... and if I was put in a fridge I'd turn into a box of baking soda .... then my inner dragon (soul) would pop out (bc being in a fridge isn't fun) .... and would make everyone feel better

After a long leave of absence I am finally back and ready to post. A lot of shit has been happening to me, so much that I'm not even going to try to tell you all of it .... but I will talk about a few things.
Firstly my cousin left on thursday, basically that means on less thing adding to my stress. Don't get me wrong though .... it doesn't mean I'm stress free .... by any means.
My aunt is still here and driving me nuts, as usual. She comments about everything I do and never has anything positive to say, she constantly crowds me and rearranges my stuff .... As it is, I have hardly any privacy and now she has invaded the last lil bit.
My father called last night and told me he had $150 and some presents for me ... and he'd love to take me to Harveys for dinner. I've been contimplating talking to my father lately so this seemed to be a good chance .... until my aunt piped up .... "he owes you WAY more than that" .... Don't say anything about me .... don't talk about your mom .... try to get him to buy you stuff .... blah blah blah .... Mom just said to not tell him a lot ... *shrugs* .... All those rules, how was I supposed to keep them all in mind .... so I kinda freaked and was beginning to chicken out .... then I get home (after one hell of a car ride) and receive a message "hi Gill this is dad, the guys at work were playing a prank on me so I cant give you money until next week ... but I'll call you" .... Do you have any idea how much that hurt. I keep falling for it .... he says he'll call or schedule time to see eachother and then backs out .... he always ditches me .... or doesnt do what he says .... it hurts ... it hurts me so much .... and right now ... I cant handle that .... for some reason I've been getting myself upset about the stupidest things ... and my nerves are shot ....

A good thing .... I ate "breakfast" today with a friend .... it was the calmest I've been in a while and I want to thank her .... I was able to break a lil out of my shell and talk .... I mean ... I even ordered something that included answering questions .... bacon, scrambled eggs and brown bread .... lol ... it was a big deal for me ....
Anyways, I want to let this person know that they mean a lot to me and that if they ever need anything ... to come to me .... never be afraid .... Also .... I'd give them a hug .... but yea ....

People keep bugging me about updating my blog ... and usually I'm the one that does that ... I want to apologize for the lack of entries .... right now my life is upside down ... and things just keep happening .... just 1/2 hr ago my father called (out of the blue)
I'll post more later on ... I'm a lil frazzled ... yea ...

So yes ... today is the day of my debate ... and lets just say ... I want to hide in a hole

Ah yet another day filled with an array of emotions. Will I ever have one calm day this week? ... I'm guessing that I won't ...

Confusion .... So much is running through me right now and .... it's hard ....
I hope you all don't see me as a weakling .... as somebody that can't handle things ... because that isn't true .... I think I do a pretty good job .... I mean ... infront of them this doesn't come out .... Instead I am the one that tries to keep everyone sane .... I try to make it easier for them to live in the house .... I try to make everyone laugh .... fill in those moments of silence where you can feel the underlying tension .... I try .... I keep my mask on for them .... sure if you know me well .... like if you know the Gillian that is deep within me .... you could tell how much I am hurting .... you could see how the cloth that I have woven is slowly coming undone .... I have no privacy either ... it's easy to say that ... but you could only understand if you lived here ...

What do you do when you realize that you cannot help somebody .... when you see them slipping backwards .... instead of moving forwards .... I love my family .... but my aunt and cousin obviously need psychiatric help ... I don't know how to explain it other than they are screwed up .... I don't understand how they turned out the way they are ... and yet I am still somewhat normal ... I grew up at there house, aswell as mine .... atleast they only had to live in one household that was screwed up .... I lived in two .... I don't understand it .... I don't get it .... fuck now I'm bawling my eyes out .... I knew this would happen when they came here .... I knew it would open old wounds .... and I knew I couldn't handle it .... I hate the past and I hate what it has done to them .... they are so twisted and scarred ..... they aren't themselves .... Fuck ... I cant even explain .... I've never been able to spit everything out ... only bits and peices .... Im afraid .... I hate what has happened ... I hate it .... I don't understand how human beings can be so cruel .... I can't understand how .... ugh ... I just don't get things .... Im sorry if this doesnt make sense ... but Im crying and everything .... I'll try to type it later .... but I know it wont come out any better .... it never has .... its locked away in my mind .... eating away at my sanity ....

I am in such a great mood at the moment.
On Wednesday I did an interview for an article that was due on Friday .... I decided to interview the girl formerly known as pregnant lady ..... She was nervous but the interview went fine, I was trying to get it done for Thursday so I could show it to her but of course I couldn't. So I emailed her a copy yesterday afternoon .... and this is the reply that I got ......

Hi Gillian:

It's beautiful. I love it, but I had to make some
changes. I'll show them to you on Monday.
I really like the article. It made me feel like I was
famous for a moment. I just hope it gets published.
I'll see you on Monday. By the way "you're welcome" I
really enjoyed it. Thank you...

So yes ... as you can all imagine I started crying after I read that ... I love getting positive feedback ... lol ... I'm so happy!!!!

I feel like crap

Ummm so apparently my last 2 post haven't posted ... so yea ...
I don't really feel like posting right now ... I kinda feel like shit ... actually I'm on the verge of tears ... I hate being like this ... I write that so much in here ...

Well, I was at the school for just over five hours today ..... I'm just glad that I've almost finished my assignment ... All I have left is dust spotting, which will be a pain in the ass ... oh well ...
I feel like I have a bazillion things to do ... photo assigment, spelling test, article for Gary, Sports page, debate, essay ... another essay that'll be due in a week BAH ... and to top it all off ... my aunt comes back tomorrow.
Now I love my aunt, I really do ... but ... blah ... if you've been reading my posts for awhile ... you'll understand ... I felt my stomach all in knots today, my mind spinning and that anxiety, of facing another period of time with her, taking over .... I hope I am strong enough to take this on ... along with school and everything else .... lol ... I swear I'm going to be a mental patient ....

It's strange how much human life is discussed and debated ... How much we complain about everything ... How so many people want more than what they already have.
I hate listening to people that haven't taken the chance to become more informed on certain issues, I admit that I don't know a lot, but at least I know some things. There are people in this world that are honestly nobs ... they don't seem to know anything other than the fact that orange doesn't go with red and that black, when worn properly, can make one look slim. Like ... hello ... have you ever picked up a book? turned on the news?even watched a documentary... and not one on Gucci or Vera Wang ... Being informed on important issues, does not mean giving up your understanding of fashion and other things. I mean, I previously named two designers ... and believe it or not, I know I a lot about fashion then one may think. I know I may not come across as th emost stylish person, but guess what .... when you have two stores that you can shop at .... it's kind of hard to spread your wings ...
Anyways, yesterday was an awesome day ... lol ... despite my little rant up above. I shot a ton ofpictures for class .... well ... there is a story, but I don't really feel like typing it all out. Plus the people that I see on Monday will probably have to hear me rant about it ... lmao ...
Today I have to work on my debate for Current Events .... My opposition of the reduction of immigrants let into Canada ... then after that ... at 3 or so, I'm off to pick up Emily and then head over to the scool to do my photography assignment.

I had some other things that I wanted to post but I keep losing my train of thought

My head seems to be a bit clearer today ... but I still have millions of thoughts running through it.

Erin, I miss you so much! It's hard not having you here sometimes. I miss our weekends together, when we used to do odd things like ... wander around Zellers, have movie nights, play pool, make cookies or shake and bake, play Monopoly, buy stupid objects and make up games and when we would always end it with sitting on the "truth bars" ... You've been there for me through thick and thin, you know me so well and you are truly a great friend.

Caitlin, despite that I am just getting to know you, your friendship means a lot to me. You seem to get me on another level ... I joke about it creeping me out ... but it really doesn't ... It intrigues me... You have a good head on your shoulders and a great heart in your chest, to match... I'm looking forward to more of our late night talks ... the ones that go till late at night when I hit the point where I stop making sense ... I'll make sure I work on my vocab and read a bit more to keep up with you though (lol)... and... What you said in your last entry is true, I have to stop blaming myself ....

I saw Passion of The Christ yesterday and I will admit that it was a good movie. The array of feelings I had during it were strange though ... It was hard watching a man in so much pain, I know it was acting, but it happened .... The odd part was ... how near the end, I felt a sort of peace .... I sat there and could breathe easy and wasn't as nervous as usual ... I just sat there calmly ... even when the movie was done, I watched most of the credits and didn't move
After the movie I went home and couldn't help but sit on my balcony for a bit. The night was so clear and I felt ... well ... I was just very quiet and calm last night. I went online for a bit and then to bed (sorry to anyone I was talking to ... I was half asleep near the end) .... I had a great sleep ... I woke up ... got dressed ... and still felt the same as last night.
When I got to the school though, things began to change. I felt myself going back to being nervous ... back to all those things that bring me down ... I need to fight them ... now that I know that I don't have to feel like that ... since I've tasted a longer period of time where the weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
I'm sitting in the lab right now ... and there aren't that many people around ... I feel a lil nervous ... but I also have this feeling ... a feeling I remember from when I was little ... it happened many times ... it was like I was totally calm ... I was having fun .... I was innocent ...>> no harm can be done to me while I sit here ... but if somebody comes and sits beside me ... I will be quickly snapped out of this ... I dread that

Anyways ... yesterday I was thinking about how my dad looked the last time I saw him ... I can't even describe it because none of you saw what he looked like when he was still living with us. He's a lot thinnner now, has some teeth missing and just .... he doesn't look like how I remember ... His eyes are the same though ... I want to cry just thinking about it ... I know he did things that were wrong and I am mad at him for that ... but I also know that he is my father and that we will always have that link .... Why isn't there a way to combat his illness ... I can't really say for sure that he is on drugs still ... but I don't know why he would stop now .... after everything before ... Why ... I hate that it ended like that ... something so stupid taking over your life .....

My mind is going crazy right now ... I have so much going through my head ... I can't seem to straighten it all out ... family and friends mean a lot to me and I feel like I am disappointing everyone .... grams, dar, jackie, theresa, emme, caitlin, nimisha, erin, Jennifer,mom, dad, laura, sherry, jade .... UGH everyone .... People keep telling me that I worry too much and all of this ... but I dunno ... I feel like if I don't people will get mad at me for it .... but when I try to help and stuff ... I seem to make things worse .... there isn't really a way to go about things without stepping on peoples feet ... and yet I keep telling myself that that is the only way to go about things ....
I must apologize if this isnt making sense ... my brain is going and nothing in my body seems to be connecting ... my hands are doing their own thing .... while my brain runs like mad .... I wish I could just .... I dunno ....
Laura Caitlin and I are going to see The Passion of the Christ .... I think it will be interesting ... especially to see how each one of us reacts ... Caitlin and I were saying a couple days ago about how it would be interesting to go to a discussion about it ... but I would first have to read up a bit ... because I hardly know anything when it comes to specific religions ....
Blah .. Im so bored ... I hope laura gets here soon ... I dont know what that'll do ... but its better than sitting here on my own .... staring at the screen .... I swear ... BLARGH .... yea ... Im going to do something else now ... tootles

So I was walking around the school today talking with my friend Ashley about stuff ... At one point I said something about my old house ... and all of these thoughts flooded my mind ... thoughts about the past ... good and bad

Well, I finally have a moment to sit down and type .... yesterday I didn't post bc I was cleaning up .... aka preparing for people to come over .... mom's been freaking out about what to buy for them to eat ... I finally just said I'll ask them today ....
OH ... I said on Monday that I would post about my dad ... since I'm at school I really don't want to get myself upset .... nor will I be able to post it tonight .... so yea ... You'll just have to keep checking back for updates..
Today on the bus this morning, the girl formally known as pregnant lady, boarded ... she didn't notice me at first but then looked up and said hi .... I was thinking to myself .... I really should ask her when I can interview her .... I swear .... that entire bus ride I was pannicking about asking her and booking time .... then it was time to get off the bus ... i walked quickly to catch up with her ... but she went a totally different way ... and I really didn't feel like trying to run after her ....
I'm so tired right now ... hence the mumbling ... I wish I had either Laura, Theresa or Caitlin in this class with me ... lmao ... nevermind ... Angela is here ... bye

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit, I've been busy with the family and now school ...
I will write more tomorrow ... I have quite a few things going around in my head ... more about my dad ... one of the harder topics for me to talk about ... yep ... so ... come back tomorrow

I'm so happy, I finally get to go out. Mum, grams and I are all going to go out today .... I have no clue where .... usually I make the suggestions .... but today I'd be happy with anything .... as long as it isn't being stuck in a mall with a bunch of humans *shivers* ...
I charged my batteries last night so maybe we'll go someplace i can take more photos!!!
Last night I realized I had deleted a bunch of the artsy pictures I had taken bc I didn't know where to put them .... so it seemed like they were taking up space .... So in short .... I will be doing some more art photos soon ...
I feel like a granola bar so i think I will go have one .... either that or trail mix ..... or an apple .... yea ... bye

So ... I had a good day ... I'm really tired so I'll post tomorrow
I did add more pictures to the picture area ... and I have some more I'm going to put up tomorrow

grrrrreat ... Now I have an alien tooth ... along with a dentist appointment for Monday .... BLAH .... *whines* it hurts ...

Anyways ... I'm in a good mood today ... just a lil worried about the entire, wisdom tooth looks like an alien, thing ....

This morning I went into my kitchen and saw 2 boxes of cereal. The first box contains that kind of cereal that has marshmallows and sugar coated stuff, the second box contains plain ol bran. It's strange how most people don't always go for the same box of cereal, they always have a craving for something different. One day you might reach for the sugary cereal, but then the next day you'll realize that it isn't good for your health ... but 3 days later you'll just think "screw it." It's almost like too much of one thing can altar or mess up your perception .... BLAH ... IM BUSTED .... y'all must have known I wasn't talking about cereal though.
I myself think that somedays I see too much of the positive. I look to find the deeper beauty, often leaving myself vulnerable to the sometimes harsh realities. Then there are days like ... well ... earlier today. My mind becomes a grey sky and all I see are negative images and ideas.
Somedays I wish I could just take the plain ol bran cereal and put some fruit in it. Maybe half fruit and half cereal. Well I can put fruit in it .... but maybe I should be doing that more often... sorry ... my stomach is talking
Somedays I wonder why I can't keep living in that middle grey, that median where you see the positive and negative. You are aware of everything. Why won't my body allow me .... I mean .... that's the healthy and satisfying (sounds interesting) place to be???

This is a snip it from a conversation I just had. lol ... it included a lil blurb about Bush's recent campaign commercials but I'll type about that later on ... I'm going to go watch tv .... oh yea ... Caitlin you aren't a superarseface anymore since you cheered me up ... now you're just a lameass ... post in the guest book!!!!

something worth fighting for says:
mirror
something worth fighting for says:
done reflecting yet?
Gillio says:
I agree with you about seeing how beautiful TO looks ... and then looking closer...
Gillio says:
I never know what to do when I walk down the street
something worth fighting for says:
ditto
Gillio says:
I used to carry a pocket of change ... and then the money in my wallet for what I need
something worth fighting for says:
good idea
Gillio says:
but then I gave up on that ... bc there were so many people
Gillio says:
plus ... money isnt always a good idea
something worth fighting for says:
ya
Gillio says:
so ... there's really no way of helping everyone ... you just have to take small steps ... I once just bought a person a meal from subway
Gillio says:
then realized I'd go broke
Gillio says:
so yea ... still figuring that one out
Gillio says:
As for looking around and seeing the women around you
something worth fighting for says:
ditto
something worth fighting for says:
they were kids
something worth fighting for says:
dressed up as women
Gillio says:
Ok .. the kids around you
something worth fighting for says:
and the boys were loosers
something worth fighting for says:

Gillio says:
I just think ... its sad how important image is ... and what it has done to our outlook
something worth fighting for says:
mmmhmm
Gillio says:
Says the one that bashes herself at every moment possible
Gillio says:
I can't help but get caught up in it all
something worth fighting for says:
yea u really should stop doing that, but i guess so should i lol
something worth fighting for says:
it's a disease

Well ... I had an attack ... guess y'all could see that one coming
I'm fine now ... going to have a shower and then a nap ... attacks take a lot out of me

omg ... I just called my mom to see if she'd come with me to go see Secord's play ... and she said no .... I'm like fucking bawling my eyes out ... not even my own mothers wants to go out ...
I decided to clean the bird cage before I went out ... atleast the birds still want to hang around with me

I'm in a strange mood ... total jekyl and hyde day ... 1 min I'm happy and then next I'm ready to tear something apart ... I think the fact I have nothing to do, except school work, is to blame. Usually I'm busy going out with friends, doing projects, going out with mom and ... I dunno ... just doing stuff ..... but everyone seems busy or unable to do anything ... *shrugs* ... Oh well ... what can you do ... I think I may walk up to the mall later on and wander around ... mind you it isn't as fun on your own ... actually it makes me feel worse bc now is when it is all elderly people, so I look like a dufus walking around .... BLAH ... I was just talking to Joey, finally, and he left ... and so help me ... if he just ditched me for Diana I will blow up ... bc I am not going to try to mend something that is just going to get torn apart again ...
ANYWAYS
Oh .. I put together some photo albums through yahoo. The first one is full of pictures I took when I went to the Niagara Falls greenhouse and the second one is full of pictures of my friends ... I'm I figure out the link and whatever ... I'll link it to here
Hmmm ... that's a good idea ... I could go out and shoot photos around the area ... despite what some people may think ... there is a lot to shoot
I don't understand how people can look and not see anything ... they can't see the beauty of a city street ... when I marvel over such simple things like grass and puddles ... lol ... I must sound like a loser ... better yet ... a corndog ... but really ... I love just sitting and watching the things around me ... realizing that nothing is truly simple .... but people label them the simple wonders of the world ... *shrugs* ...
SEE HOW MY MOOD CHANGES!
Now I'm pissed cause Joey isnt back and Diana isnt online ... so I'm guessing he left to go talk to her .... OH the profanities raging through me ... lol ... being the jealous bitch that I am ... I just called and apparently he answered the door and then had a shower ... Guess who feels like an idiot now .... WAIT HE MIGHT JUST BE SAYING THAT CAUSE HE KNOWS ID FLIP ... lmao .... *sigh* ...
This is what it has come to ... me sitting here feeling sorry for myself ... that's it ... I'm going out ... I gotta shapen up my attitude .... 2 days of jekyl and hyde shall come to an end

As I predicted I am feeling much better ... just a little frusterated bc I put down a letter from my bank and now I can't find the damn thing ...

I hate depression ... You think that I'd get used to it ... but I don't ... the feelings hurt so much ... I just want to cry ... but being the person that I am ... I won't allow myself to ... I hate it ... I can't breathe ... I feel like I am trapped in a box ... laying on a bed of nails ... it hurts so much ... I try to stay positive and it's so hard when I'm like this ... I hate fighting ... but I keep doing it ... I have to battle out these ... spells if you want to call them that ... I called mom and asked her to take me for a drive ... she knows what that means ... I just wish I could type what I'm feeling and what is going on inside of me .... I wish I could help you to understand more ... but I can't ... blah .... if you saw me right now you'd thinking what the hell is wrong with her ... I'm seriously straining to type and breathe ... and fighting to hold back tears bc there are ppl in the room next to me ...
Anyways ... I have to get dressed to go in the car ... I'll probably be fine in a bit ... y'all have read my posts and can somewhat see the pattern ...

LMAO ... you can tell the state of mind I was in for my last post, just look at the time.

Anyways, I had some really messed up dreams last night ... and before going to bed .... I had this feeling that somebody was in the room with me .... I had that feeling for most of the day yesterday and just couldn't shake it ... So yea .... I've begun to sleep facing the wall again, which isn't as comfortable as sleeping facing the door .... but I'm nervous about seeing him again ...

Caitlin ... all I have to say is that you are a super arseface!!!

Ummm ... I just posted th link to Caitlin's blog .... so check that out
Also ... I was looking through the area where I post what I write and realized I should put up some more stuff ... so maybe later tonight or tomorrow I will

Now things may not look that different on here ... but I have just spent way too long playing around with html ... I never knew I was able to do it until now ... and I am pretty damn happy with the results

I was talking to somebody about the title of my blog ... and I don't think I ever explained that it was a song from Willy Wonka

Artist: Lyrics
Song: Pure Imagination Lyrics

Willy Wonka:
[Spoken]
Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

[Sung]
Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

So I talked to mom a bit last night ... I told her about how I miss my dad ... and how I'm getting upset with the people in my family ... I also said that the way grandma and her constantly talk about health and stuff is getting on my nerves ... which also goes a long with the topic of her trying to ween herself off her nerve medication ... which she had come to realize she CANNOT handle.
I don't know .... fisrtly with my dad, she said that she could understand my missing him ... and the confusion that I am going through because of it ... she said that it isn't my fault and that he should be doing more to stay in touch ... I agree but it isn't totally his fault ...
Secondly ... my family is insane ... literally... Dar has decided to come back from Newfoundland ... but by the sounds of it she isn't going to bring Jackie back with her ...
Now goodness knows that Dar cannot afford to do that ... so she will be counting on mom ... and mom can't do it again ... Dar was paying us $500 a month to pay back what she borrowed ... and yet she is going to do it again? ... plus my cousin isn't stable ... she's stuck in a f'n time warp ... she thinks Paris Hilton is cool ... that alone should say something ... Jackie used to be a role model ... and now ... now she scares me ... her health is also going down the drain .... oh yea ... my other cousin Sherry, with the 5 year old ... well mr. druggie boyfriend put her face through some glass ... if she doesnt get out of there .. I will go down to TO beat that guy up .. and take her and her kid by the arm back with me ... then I will stop by Roberts place and blaze at him about where he is letting his life go ...
Next ... Grams and mum keep talking about Dr Phil's book and how he's so great blah blah blah ... losing weight is fun ... blah blah blah ... Gillian why don't you try ... blah blah blah ... Gillian you should lose some weight b4 you go out to get a job ... blah blah blah ... YOU KNOW WHAT ... IVE HEARD IT ALL MY LIFE ... I'VE TRIED TO MAKE CHANGES AND IT ALL RESULTS IN ME STAYING THE SAME DAMN WEIGHT OR WHATEVER .... BUT I ATLEAST FEEL BETTER ON THE INSIDE .... JUST BC I DONT LOSE WEIGHT DOESNT MEAN I AM NOT BECOMING HEALTHIER .... I do my own work out every night ... I dont do it infront of ppl bc ... well ... I hate humans and the way I constantly get criticized ... I like doing it on my own, at my own pace ... working on areas that I think need work ... I do it at night ... and early in the morning .... when ppl aren't around to bug me .... oh yea ... as for eating ... despite what ppl may think my eating habits have gotten better ....
Next ... mom decided this past week to stop taking her nerve medication ... and has since turned into mega bitch ... I caznt stand it ... and she said last night she'd go back on them ... she just gets upset that she has to take drugs to stabalize her ... and I said ... well so do I .... we have a disease ... and yes we could work on helping ourselves out with other treatments .... Caitlin mentioned something to me ... but for now ... this will have to do .... plus mom has some really far out there things with her nerves ... so yea ...
I would like to apologize for this long rantish post ... but this isn't even half of what is going on inside of my head ... believe it or not ... I dont like to tell all of my problems .... but there are somethings that I do just want to get off my chest <<<< LMAO PECS ..... *sigh* ... ok I feel better now ... and people ... dont forget to post in my guestbook area

So yes ... i apparently didn't learn how to post pictures ... so things are pretty much going to stay the same .... I have a few things I want to post about ... but I'll do it tomorrow because i am really really tired right now