I want to live on my balcony ... it makes me so happy ... I was just sitting there ... and this amazing feeling took over my body ... I turned off all the lights ... and just sat outside ... listening to the cars, birds, buzzing ... just all those every day nosies ... including the ones we dont really hear bc we dont pay attention .... as I sat there ... I realized how much my perch means to me ... As I sat there ... I realized I was looking over thousands of people ... and none of which knew I was watching ... watching as their lights turn on and off ... or listening for voices and car horns .... I saw people walking down the street ... and I thought ... wow ... I do that all the time ... and while I walk ... I'm in my own little world ... but somebody could be watching me ... observing me ... like how I observe people ... Oh you all don't understand the joy .... you see so much life ... and its strange ... bc while I see life .. I see death .... I'm situated just above a dead tree ... you know that tree that I was talking about earlier ... yea that one ... its strange looking at the stump that sits there ... a once tall tree ... is now a stump .... and as for the other death .... this world has evolved over many many years ... so think how many people have died in the area that I can see ... and just think .. people could be dying now ... its strange ... but it doesnt make me sad ... instead .. all ... all i see is beauty .... anyways ... thats my perch .. type more later cause Im on the phone with emme

I feel like shit ... I hate being home ... I really do ... I've been searching online for a job and typing up my resume ... starting tomorrow I'm going to hand them out ... Anyways ... I'm really depressed today ... and to make matters worse ... they are cutting down the big tree infront of my apartment
Now you may ask why the hell is she upset about that ... well ... the tree has been here longer than me ... and I've watched it grow year after year ... and I've watched as tiny animals have made their home in it ... It was almost tall enough to touch my balcony ... I was going to give it another year ... but now ... now it is being sliced to peices ... its flesh lays scattered across the lawn ... That tree was a part of my perch ... and now ... well ... now it is almost gone ... Yep everyone ... I'm upset ... Attribute it to my depression or my insanity ... but at 12pm today I cried over a tree

Well I haven't posted for awhile ... a lot has been happening ... I don't really feel like typing ... I'm extremely depressed that school has ended ... many people would be happy ... but instead ... I'm on the verge of tears ... I love school .. I love learning ..
Man ... I hate this ... 4 MONTHS!!!!!!! .... I might have to pick up some summer courses ... cause this is killing me
Besides that ... I've become friends with this girl that I kinda like ... just in time for the summer too ... she's really great ... I'm supposed to be going to her apartment for dinner one night ... so I'm pretty psyched about that ...

WHERE O WHERE IS THE NEW NEWSPAPER .. O WHERE O WHERE COULD IT BE ... WITH IT PAGES 11*17 AND ITS INK SO BLACK .. O WHERE O WHERE COULD IT BE ....
Yea .. imm bored and don't know what to do with myself

Today is my last day ... well my last day of classes ... and technically I don't really have any classes to attend ... I came because ... I enjoy school .. and I'm sad that I'm going to have to wait four months to come back ... I know that I'm not going to talk to my college friends ... as much as I hope to ... Anyways .. I'm going to go look for people .. im guessing not many will be here ... but still

I have the base pounding ... and it won't drain the thoughts out of my head ... I'm so confused ... I just want my brain to shut down ... I want my thoughts to be drowned in the music ... I was having such a good day and now this ... I'm crying and I just yelled at my mother ... why ... why does the dream world have to crumble and reveal the flesh of everything .... WHY .... WHY ....
My father came again ... he had money for me, movie for Jen, flowers and beer for mom .... I talked to him quickly ... and he asked how the family was ... including my cousins in TO ... and that ... that .... it hurt me so much .... Mom never told him about Robert .... Oh fuck I can't stop crying .... he didn't know that Robert tried to kill himself and lost his legs instead of his life ... My father already looks so distant ... but for that moment ... I thought he was going to cry .... he looked so depressed ... I cant get the image out of my head .... I remember that day they called ... I thought Robert was going to die .... but Im glad I was there to hear about his progress .... Dad just heard that's what happened and now things are ok .... he doesn't even know what else has happened since then .... WHY WONT THIS MUSIC GO ANY LOUDER?!?!?! .... I WANT TO SLEEP ... I DONT WANT TO WRITE AN ESSAY ... I WANT TO CURL UP INTO A BALL AND DISAPPEAR

I'm currently sitting in V10 doing nothing because all I have left is an essay for tomorrow ... but I'll do that tonight ... I'm enjoying taking in these last few days of my first year at college ... I must say that I am very proud of myself ... I've accomplished a lot over these past few months ... I've grown ... and understand myself a tad better ... plus I'm a lot more of a people person ... just wait until next year ... I'll be a chatter box ... lmao ... I totally cannot see that happening ... I mean ... I do talk a lot ... but not with random people or anything ...
Anyways ... I have a lot of different stuff flowing through my brain ... A LOT ...
I can't discuss it all ... but yea ...

OMG ... Im so happy because I found a few of my greek songs and have been listening to them all day ... well when I've been home ... it's great!!!! ... I love making up words ....

*SINGS*

My Maria, don't you know I have come a long, long way?
I been longing to see her;
when she's around she take my blues away.
Sweet Maria, the sunlight surely hurts my eyes.
I'm a lonely dreamer on a highway in the sky.

-Chorus-
Maria
(Oh Maria, I love you girl, oh my Maria.)
Maria
(Oh Maria, I love you girl, Maria I love you.)

My Maria, there were some blue and sorrow times.
Just my thoughts about you bring back my peace of mind.
Gypsy Lady, you're a miracle worker for me.
You set my soul free like a ship sailin' on the sea.
She is the sunlight when the skies are gray.
She treats me so right. Lady, take me away.

(Repeat Chorus until fade)

24 is the number of hours in a day
56 is the number of years the house across the street has been standing there
3 is the number of flowers that have bloomed in the front garden
2 is the number of doves that just flew by
18 is the number of years I've been alive
None of these numbers are even close to the number of times I've thought about you today

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Today I went outside and saw something that I had never seen before ...It was amazing .... so colorful .... so energetic .... as i watched it .... I felt calm ... but excited ... I anticipated every next movement ... the song it produced played so loud ... I could feel it in my veins ... My eyes had never been so wide open ...
Today .. I saw ... the world

WHOA ... guess what song I just heard in the shower ... that's right ... My Maria By Brookes and Dunn .... I wasnt even listening to country music ... what the hell is with that
Anyways ... Im tired ... and want to go to bed ... so I shall

So ... it is currently 5:20am and I'm a lil tired but can't sleep ... I woke up at around 4 and wandered out to the living room ... where I watched Most Haunted ... I guess that was a stupid thing to do at 4am ... especially when all I can hear are birds and stuff outside ... and when I went out there to see what was causing all the racket ... but I couldnt see bc the damn fog is sooo thick ... AKA ... ITS REALLY CREEPY

The weather is finally nice again and I am back to my old self. Every night I've been going outside and sitting on my balcony for hours on end ... some people may find it boring ... bc I just sit there and stare at the city down below me ... but it's relaxing.
I've moved this big, wooden chest into a corner where I can sit on it with my legs stretched out, either that or I can curl up and lay down on it. Last year there was a huge palm there, so I never realized the angle from that spot made the view even better.
This weekend I'm going to start deciding on what plants I would like to buy and what else I would like to add out there. The balcony is MY area ... it is MY perch ... MY project ...
Last year everyone that came over to see it said it was really nice ... so this year it is going to be spectacular ... I'd really like an arbour to divide the balcony ... and then a lot of leafy/green plants ... basically so the people in the apartment across don't constantly stare at me. Also I want to find out about how Gerberas grow ... because those are my favorite flowers ... and if I had them on my balcony ... I'd be soooooo happy .... I also have to check in with my cactus plant ... I'm still really upset about that .... I have to check my plants in a minute anyway ....
So basically ... I'm a lot happier right now ... I have my perch back, the weather is beautiful .... and my creative spark is back ... I mean ... when I sit out there ... all of these ideas come to me .... and I just constantly write

OH WAIT

I forgot to share his one story ... it was just about yesterday ... it's actually really sad ... and I haven't been able to get the mental picture out of my head ...
Yesterday mom decided to take me to NOTL to walk around ... well ... she just wanted to go to a store ... but I wanted to walk (lately I've been exercising) ... ANYWAYS .... we took the longer way to NOTL ... and were passing by water, fields, forests .... just all of those natural beauties ... and then we came upon the houses ... most of them are old ... amazing really .... I found the house that I want to live in .... and one day ... I will .... BUT ANYWAYS ... as we were driving I noticed something ahead of us moving at the side of the street ...
It was a squirrel that had been hit by a car .... it was rolling around on its back .... basically struggling with pain .... it was going to die .... there was no doubt about that ... but it looked so helpless ... we drove passed it ... and 2 mins later mom said ... I didn't know if I should go back and run it over .... and I was just quiet ... I wanted her to go back and end its pain ... but at the same time ... I dont think I would have been able to stay in the car .... to feel the car shake as it took the life of a living creature .... despite that in a way we were helping it ... I don't think I could have even taken the anticipation of the car approaching the poor animal ... what would have happened ... would there just be a bump ... would I hear something ... would anything splatter ... I think it would have been too much for me ... but now I sit here ... and as I type this ... I realize that just seeing that poor animal was a lot .... but it was a balance of negative a lot ... and positive a lot ... in American Beauty there is a line ... where Rick says something like ... I watched it die, but it was beautiful .... it's like for a moment you are seeing God ... and right then ... He can look at you ... and you can look at Him ... I wish I could remember the exact line ... but that's the basis of it ....
So yea .. this post is long ... and I actually feel like typing more ... but my head is hurting ... often a sign of extreme stimulation ... I like having a label for this type of pain ... and despite it is pain ... it isn't a negative pain ...

I uncovered my balcony plants today .... they don't look so good .... I did the usual cut them back, watered them ... and then water/fertilized them ... but they look pretty bad this year ... *shrugs* ... All I can do is wait and watch ....
But yea ... my girl didn't look good ... and I cried when I saw her .... that's right everyone ... I have a girl .... I have this plant ... I'm not sure what she is .... but I found her last year at Broadway Gardens ... and immediately bought her .... she's a pink cactus like thing ... her leaves are strong and smooth ... and she has this pink flower .... well .. its a spikey pink thing .... you cant touch it cause its prickly ... this sounds weird and sexual ... so I'm going to stop ... but yea ... I love that plant and seeing her like that made me cry ...

You know what ... I feel like shit ... I really do ... and I had things run through my head that haven't in a long time ... Im just going to do up my balcony and write ....

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while ... I've beenc crazy busy with school ... there is so much that I have to do for these next 2 weeks ... it's driving me batty
Anyways .. I cant type now bc my head is pounding ...

Emme says I only post when I am really happy or depressed ... but I post quite a lot during the week ... *shrugs* .... I'm manic

He came ... we talked ... I showed him the paper ... there was silence ... we talked a bit more ... he hugged me ... and thn left ... the process took only 10 minutes ... but it felt like forever ... I don't know how I feel ... I wanted to start talking to him again ... but after today I am afraid ... he's changed ... he's not what he was 4 years ago ... obviously ... but ....... he's just not right ... everything that has happened has hurt him ... he said he has anxiety problems ... I told him I did too ... he didn't know I did ... I've been this way for almost a year ... I've been rushed to the hospital ... and he didn't know ... he blames a lot of this on mom and dar ... saying that he doesn't understand how mom could split up a family ... and how he hates the way that mom and dar gang up on him ... he said he's not going to try to come back ... and that if mom calls her lawyer to find out where he works ... he'll just quit again ... he wants to give me $200 every other week ... I want to believe him ... but ... I'm at the point where I don't ... I hate feeling this guilt ... I wish him and I could just talk ... but he's not the same ... he's lost ...

Despite saying all of that ... I am in a good mood ... went to the falls and NOTL ... so I was happy to get out of the house .... I was also happy that I started to finish that painting ... I haven't worked on it forever .... Anyways ... gtg

I'm in an okay mood ... see ... I'm in an overall great mood ... but dad called tonight ... and when I think of that ... I get myself upset ... will he pull through ... will he screw me over again ... am I a fool? .... *shrugs*
Otherwise I am in an amazing mood ... I cant even describe how happy/calm I am

So many people in this universe and yet I still feel lonely .... nomatter what I do it's always the same ... I'll be sitting in the cafe surrounded by friends and other students, and yet I will feel extremely lonely ... I'll be sitting with my family and possibly even talking about how the day went and yet I'll still feel lonely ... A close friend of mine could throw their arms around me ... and despite that I am glad they are there ... I still have this lonely feeling ... like there is a hole in my heart ... Sometimes I wonder if the hole will ever be filled in ... or if I will spend my life having temporary patches .... patches that hurt when they are torn off ... I guess I should explain my theory about this hole ... I believe it will only be filled by the love for another ... and the temporary patches ... are the people I fall for along the way ... like my bazillion crushes ... Technically I set myself up for pain because I fall for people I know could never love me ... I build up feelings until somebody finally flat out tells me that it won't work out ... and shines that light that lets me see reality ... You'd think by saying all of this I'd stop falling into my own traps ... WELL .. I dont ... I in fact seem to do it more often ... I guess you could say I am a fool ... or perhaps you could say that I'm normal

Almost like suffering amnesia ... we are trying to attain something we've lost but we don't realize we are doing this ... we are collecting our past ... and following in others footsteps ... getting closer and closer to defining things ... but we cannot connect everything ... we are frozen in time ... and can't advance past this point ...

Robots constantly being programmed
year after year changes are made
but the basics always stay the same
we are ending because we are understanding
we have advanced so far that we are destroying ourselves
a staircase is no longer a staircase
we climb and envision its construction
we wonder where it leads
when our brain reaches optimum speed
we shut down
our advancements are being used wrongly
negative uses of knowledge are everywhere
conclusions are being made by the wrong people
people that have too much power

I'm in a pretty good mood .... remember how I was saying that photo crew was going to be a peice of cake ... well ... it is and it isn't ... there is so much stuff to know ... and amazigly enough ... I grasp it all .... but I hate having everyone sit around me while I'm trying to figure things out .... but this 2nd year ... Don is sooooo helpful .... thank goodness he is there .... I think we'd all be screwed without him

"well we're human and we're fucked up so we have to accept it and be the best fucked up humans we can be"
Caitlin

I'm sitting in the Open Access Lab bored out of my mind ... I said I was going to try and concentrate on writing my essay about immigration ... but since I have cramps like you wouldn't believe ... I have decided to type in here ... I don't really have much to say ... I guess I could post some of these things that I've written these past few days .... stupid lil blobs .... thoughts that I just write down ... despite how stupid or jeuvenile they might sound .... Oh wait ... I have one thing that I would like to complain about ... but b4 that I would like to apologize .... no wait ... I don't really want to apologize .... yea ... I guess I do .... I'm sorry that this space on the web doesn't provide a more intellectually stimulating read .... but I could have warned you that I'm not the most interesting person .... I don't type all of my deep thoughts ... bc some are meant to be kept to myself ... and others need feedback .... sure I have a guestbook/discussion area ... but nobody uses it .... anyways ... back to my rant
Last night I decided to sit out in the living room to watch tv ... I'm guessing my aunt didn't want me around bc it felt like she tried everything in her power to make me miserable ... from talking about things I didn't want to hear ... right up to pissing me off about the fridge .... Since Dar is living with us ... she obviously has stuff in our fridge that she prefers ... anyways ... she accused me of drinking her damn cranberry juice ... and wouldnt piss off about it ... thats right everyone ... last night I had a fight about juice ... the thing that really ticked me off was that I didn't do it ... and she must know that ... I mean my carton (fruitopia: the purple one) was right beside my cup ... that had a fine purple residue on the bottom ... PURPLE ... NOT RED ... argh .... stupid family ... so yea ... in the middle of the night when I woke up I had milk bc I didn't feel like getting yelled at again ... so you know what happened ... I got really sick off the milk ... bc milk at night .... and everything just doesnt mix
So yes ... welcome to the world of Gillian's PMSing ... lmao ... I want chocolate now ... I'm leaving ... bye bye