It is 4:50am and I cannot sleep .... my allergies are flaring .... stuffy nose, itchy throat, burning eyes .... the whole sha bang ... anyways ... since Im basically asleep that's all I'll write ... night

I am in such a good mood ... :)

Married By Elvis
by Barlow

There's a real cool couple living on my street
They smile and wave every time we meet
They've been together for the past five years
They're perfectly happy and perfectly queer
Its not a Brady Bunch episode
They're not the Cunninghams its not the Cosby Show
That black and white world didn't ever exist
Who says a family needs a mister and miss

They've got a dream
Picture the scene

They want to drive down to Vegas
Get married by Elvis
Get drunk on champagne and get legally laid
They'll cherish the kisses
As missus and missus
Now is that so terribly strange
Ain't it strange

"Give it a one one twenty in a Cadillac boom boom boom and me never look back"

Now it's a long, long way out of Buffalo
Thay've got the Dom on ice and a slice to go
In a top down Caddy in the desert breeze
Romeo and Juliet meet Thelma and Louise
They've got the radio, they've got one CD
Top 40 and some old Lou Reed

They got caffeine and gasoline
It's the Great Escape starring Jean McQueen
I think tonight
They'll both wear white

They want to drive down to Vegas
Get married by Elvis
Get drunk on champagne and get legally laid
They'll cherish the kisses
As missus and missus
Now is that so terribly strange
Ain't it strange

www.barlowonline.com/home.html .... then click on #2

Mom's birthday is on Monday ... I think I am going to finish up the balcony ... which includes using a drill ... and standing on a chair 7 floors up ... *rolls eyes* the things I do for people ... Anyways ... Im in a pretty good mood ... my brain seems to be fried from the way I slept last night ... I woke up in crazy ... kind of like when I have a pannic attack and lose control of my actions ... I shake and tip over a lot ... *shrugs* ... it's simply from the nerve that is pinched in my neck ... I should really get in to the chiropractor before they cut funding ... it costs $12 ... but come summer or fall .... one trip to the chiropractor will cost $60 ... lmao ... as if my family can pay for that

*Dreamy Sigh*
I am in such a good mood ... so good that I can't seem to fall asleep. I'm stuck here over-thinking everything and goodness knows where that can lead.
Lately I've been thinking about our Canadian politics and where it is heading ... my head swirls when I hear the candidates speak about choosing the person/candidate best for the job .... I didn't know that the devil was running? I mean he'd do a better job than most of em! I'm sticking with voting for one of the three majors though ... I bet y'all know who I'm picking ... especially after the sponsorship scandal and health care attack (although that was on the provincial level) ... and in saying that ... goodness knows my interests don't lie on the right side of the spectrum ... so I am left with the good ol NDP ... sure they screwed up years ago , but come on people, we all screw up ... lol ... look at Bill Clinton ... he literally screwed up ... but he was a good president .. Dont ask why I crossed into American politics ... goodness knows I could have a gay ol time with that .... wait ... I cant be gay at all in the US cause Bush will come after me ... Anyways ... NDP has my vote ... I mean they cant put us into that much more of a debt ... that and they wouldn't put 160 mill into their own companies! LMAO ... get it ... bc they are left wing and dont get along with big companies .... I thought it was funny ... OOO OOO now I could also go for the Green Party or Bloc Quebecois .... lmao ... I could ... but Im not ... hardly anyone takes them seriously .... and I want my vote to go towards somebody that I know could win ... either that or benefit their position is it is a minority government ... but yes .. before I say anything else .. I must brush up my political knowledge ...

Why am I so afraid of everything? Seriously. I hate being this way!!!
I know I have to get a job, but I am terrified to go out there and do it. I'm afraid of what people will think of me and not getting a call back. I'm afraid of all the unknowns ..... blah ......
My head is hurting again and I am tired. I don't understand what is going on with my body. I know I'm overweight, and usually you get tired, sweat alot and what not. I've never really suffered from my weight, just my self hatred, but I'd be that way if I was thin. I've always been big and I've liked it, I have a barrier around me and I haven't had any major health problems. I mean I love sports (I do huff and puff .. but a lot of people do), I exercise everyday, my eating has gotten better .... so why am I having trouble now? I mean I'm really worried there is something wrong with my head ... the constant headaches, the feeling that my right eye will pop out, the stabbing pains in my nose and the red eyes eevrytime I wake up .... oh and dont forget my vision and how it is going down the drasin: I have floaties in my eyes, I see flashes of light and sometimes I only see pieces of things. Whatever ... Im going to sleep again and maybe when I wake up my english friend will be on ... or somebody else

Ah the joys of depression ... Constantly on the verge of tears, the inability to get up, the non stop munching and of course the self deprication. I have so much going on in my head and I hate it ... I wish I could just calm down.
Tomorrow my friends are getting together for a games night. It should be nice and I could use a day with my other friends ... Joey and Erin are gone for the wweken ... so Im basically screwed over for doing anything else .... I just started crying again so Im going to go .... bye

My friend from England came on!!! YAY!!!

So, I was watching American Idol last night and during the commercials I decided to go out on my balcony because it was beautiful out. Anyways, I looked to the other building and after staring for 3 commercial break, I realized that atleast 7 people were watching Amercian Idol. 3 of the apartments were actually one on top of the other and it was funny because their tvs were flashing at the same time *shrugs* I found that interesting. I was a major fan of AI, and bawled last night .... that's really all I have to say about that ... oh ... and I can't wait till the single "I believe" comes out bc I am in love with that song.
I'm in yet another good mood ... but I still have this underlying feeling that at moment I could burst into tears ... I hate when Im like that ...
Joey said he'd be ready by 10 ... I doubt it ... but just incase I guess I should get dressed ...
Oh yea ... make sure you people post in my guestbook ... I need more feedback ... and please don't make them private ... especially when you are going to bash me ... atleast have the balls to tell everyone

Take your hand .... put it flat out infront of you .... count to 5 while closing your hand into a fist .... Now figure out how you did that .... think of what happened while you were doing that ... Did you count outloud? Did you hold your breathe? Did your palm close before 5? What were you picturing in your head? Can you replay that image in your head?

Isn't it strange how many components there were in that simple action? I mean it would take me hours to go over everything that happened in that split second (or 5). Think about how many times in your life you may have clenched your fists and not stopped to think about what it took to do that. Can you even begin to imagine everything you have done with your hands? Or what it took to do those things?
What about other actions and events? Moments of joy for example. What made you happy? How did you know you were happy? What did you do to show you were happy?

I wish I could remember better than what I do.
I wish I could understand more than I do.
I wish I could open up peoples eyes.
I wish .... I wish .... I wish everyone's wishes could be heard and that everyone had an audience. That everyone had a little space to speak out and be heard by somebody ... anybody. So many people go unheard and those that have the power to be heard, should take advantage of it while they can.

Just got in from Erin's house, it was nice to get out for a bit.
Last night I was feeling really crumby and it worsened by the hour. Usually when I wake up I feel fine, but today I still felt like crap. My mind was spinning and I was consumed with negativity. Finally I hopped in the shower to get ready to go out and amazingly when I emerged I felt fine .... actually .... I felt fantastic. That feeling only lasted a bit until I came home to hear something about the car being at the repair shop *shrugs* .... I just want a break from reality.

On the up side I have met a new friend from England. I signed up with date.ca one day when I was really bored and as luck may have it ... I found somebody that isn't a sicko. *shrugs* I was hoping she'd be online now, but alas, she isn't.

OH!!!!!! I forgot to post yesterday about the stupid puddle!!!!
So Erin, Joey and I were drivign around and Joey decided to check what was playing at the drive in. He drove down this long road to see the board that listed everything and there was this puddle. It didn't look like anything .... but when Joey hit it ... frig ... water came spewing up over the car and in to my window ALL over Erin and I ... I almost pissed myself laughing ... anyways ... that was my story for today ... Im going to go paint .... Yes ... another masterpeice is in progress

It's so hard to stay positive. Sometimes I make myself sick.
Mom is going through a deep depression. Thank god I didn't go out to Newfoundland because it looks like I am needed at my own home. She flipped out yesterday and said some things she shouldn't have ... especially infront of my friend Erin. I don't care if she blows up at me or around me, but when my friend is close I can't stand that. She did it again today too. Yelled for me and my friends to get out because she didn't feel well and then freaked out about finding a phone number ... then I had the phone thrown AT me and a door slammed in my face. Then I turned around and put on the mask for my friends .... when all I really wanted to do was cry.
Oh yea ... I just wanted to say that yes I quit my "job". Basically I was doing too much not to get paid and it wasn't fun (yea jump on that word if you want but I dont feel like writing out a long explanation). Anyways, I quit and I thought I was going to Newfoundland ... so that gave me a reason. Now that Im not going, I feel like an idiot ... even further so bc I'm missing out on that cottage trip with my friends ... and of course everyone will be gone having fun ... and I will be left alone in this place.
*SHAKES FIST* I HATE BEING UPSET .... GIVE ME MORE DRUGS ....

I was going to post earlier but for the past hour I've been glued to my balcony, watching a storm rage by. There was a constant stream of warnings running across the tv screen, but of course I paid no attention and ran outside to sit and record everything. The lightning was amazing and it was even more beautiful because every so often somebody would lite off a firecracker and the entire sky would glow that colour (bc of the cloud density) .... so yes .... in short, I lost track of time.

The past week has been pretty insane because there are a variety of things going on in my life. I must point out last weekend though, before I forget. As usual my friends got together, but this time we went to my friend, Bethany's house and ended up discussing random things. You name it, we talked about it. I loved it so much! I love talking to people about important (and not so important) topics/issues. It was funny because at times we struggled to get a word in (I mean it was 6 women) but for some odd reason, whenever I spoke, everyone would stop and listen. I felt ... I can't explain how that made me feel. They kept saying that I had good ideas and questioning me further. For once I wasn't worried about sounding like a complete asshole ... It felt good to get some things off of my chest and at the same time, I liked having that ability to stimulate my brain in other ways.

Dar and Jackie are going through hell still and it is driving mom and I batty. I know they need help, but you cannot help people that don't realize they need it. Last week Jackie phoned us crying bc her and her mother got into yet another fight. Mom asked Jackie if she wanted me to come down and Jackie answered yes, so I went and told everyone that I was going. I found my ticket but was just waiting until the morning before I ordered it. Dar found out though and called mom, ordering her not to let me go out there, it pissed me off bc I talked to Dar, and at first she said no bc she didnt want me losing my job, but then said yes when I told her I was quitting. I hate being lied too and I hate having to go and tell all of my friends and people I bump into that I am in fact not going away ... instead I am staying here. I can't help them from here anymore. I hope they come back soon ... before it is too late. Jackie is ruining her body .... and Dar is ruining their minds

The other day mom took me for a drive to Niagara Falls. I totally went through system overload. My senses were heightened to the point I was shaking with excitement. We drove passed the new casino and I almost died, it is so beautiful, despite that it is dangerous (everyone knows you can't build on that hill), the four towers change color and the front entry has an amazing fountain (wasnt finished). We drove down the hill and I couldn't believe the amount of people. It was like the olden days, before the casino and before the decline (and then increase)in tourists. The only thing that had changed was the way it looked, so many flashing lights and strange sounds. It smelt like a carnival ... I wished so badly there was one in town, so I could go with my friends.

Oh I have so much more to type about, but I want to go back outside and watch the storm. I think round 2 is coming

I feel so lost right now ... I haven't had my computer for basically a week and I feel so lost ... I'm reading through everyone's posts and I'm confused out of my mind ... the internet is how I communicated with people ... so for awhile I didn't talk to anyone that didn't call me ... and that gotr me to thinking ... howcome nobody called to check how I was doing ... I mean I am usually online 24 hours a day ... and I haven't been on for a week ... didn't people notice ... didn't people worry ... *shrugs* .... I'm in a ranting mood bc I have myself really depressed again ... I don't really know why ... I mean .. I have an idea ... but ... whatever ... my family is in chaos ... Dar and Jackie need help but won't seek it (I was supposed to fly out there but it was cancelled) ... MOm is in depression and the doctor says she's ready for menopause .... my friends each have their own problems ... some of which I may add are pretty major .... the car keeps acting up despite the car ppl say it's fine ... my head is spinning .... AND I feel lonely again .... I'm in that phase where I'm searching desperately .... but coming up with nothing .... *shrugs* ... I could keep going ... but it isn't worth it .... especially since I am kind of happy .... My brain is on overload ... SO I will post more later on when I have a chance to sit ... I have a lot on my mind .... and I need to rest in order to type it ALL up

I would like to apologize for my LONG absence ... Unfortunately my computer had 62 viruses and had to go into the shop ... Im back now though ... and I will be sure to post more later on bc I have a lot to talk about

I love my job ... but for the past 3 days I have woken up shaking .... and as the morning progresses, my stomach begins to spin and I keep gaging ... like seriously ... I like my job and when I get there I'm fine ... but I hate this pre work thing... My eyes keep swelling up with tears and then it all receeds ... why ... why does my body do this to me ... I hate it ... I want to be normal ... you know ... have the first day jitters and then be fine .... grrrrrrrr ....

I miss her .... I can't get her out of my head .... maybe it's the desperation .... maybe not .... but I'm going insane ....

You know what I hate? ... People ... Feelings ... Thinking ... Emotion ... Yep, I hate it all .... I've been reading through blogs. I went through this phase where I wanted to read what other people write, I wanted to better understand the people that roam this planet. Now I'm kind of wishing I hadn't done that. I mean quite frankly, I don't understand half the shit they are posting about and the other half is basically what I'm typing. Everyone is so confused, upset, angry, sad ... just any emotion you can think of, that's what people are. We talk about our moods and focus in on what ever event triggered these emotions. By the way, I include myself in this. If you are happy, you talk about the good things, if you are sad, you talk about the bad. We constantly over analyze ourselves and get nowhere. People spend thousands of dollars to have people listen to them .... but what I don't get is that those same people get other people to listen to them. See we are this big circle ... ideas and emotions keep flowing through us and we have to express them before we burst ... but in doing that ... what do we accomplish? If I cry, other than releasing emotion, what am I accomplishing? What comes of me being sad or angry? Everything builds up over time ... but what does it prove in the end ... that I can be miserable ... bc nobody can be positive all the time ... Do y'all get what I mean ... I type this now ... and in 5 minutes I will jump back into that world where I accept everything around me ... and I react the way that I know how ....
I want to sound intelligent some times, but who am I kidding ... everything I say has been said, you may not have read it ... but it's out there somewhere. I mean walk into a library and look around ... look at all the thoughts out there that people just had to write down ... it's amazing ...
Anyways, Im going to shower bc my head hurts ... ooo .. blogger changed its layout ... not really into it yet ... but we'll see

I can't stand to see him ... but I can't stand not to ....
Dad came by again with $150 for me ... he almost left without giving it to me ... and well ... that was the strangest moment ... *******breaks down crying******* I don't know what to do ... he's my dad ... but a stranger ... he's ill ... I hate seeing somebody like that and know that I contributed to it ... I freakin drove my dad wacko ... WHY ... why do I do this ... everytime he comes over ... I get upset .. and not just at myself ... but at different people in my family .... and anger ... its something that shouldnt keep occuring bc it is dangerous .... anyways ... now that Im all thinking and upset ... I shall go ... that and I guess I said things I wasnt supposed to .. so I have to think how I will explain to mom

Oh yea ... can I just say that if I walk any more my feet are going to fall off .... but man does it feel good to be moving again .... yea .... I need to get shoes with more support ... Erin and I were talking about jogging ... I think if I can get mom to take us up to Queenston Heights ... I might actually consider jogging instead of just plain walking ... *shrugs* ....
"MA MA MIA THATS A BIG GIRL" < Nicolette ~ the little midgety italian lady that knows grams ... lmao ... Yes ... old lil Italian people say MA MA MIA ....

I'm in a GREAT mood .. mind you I'm nervous dad wont call tonight ... I'm counting on the $200 for mom's gift ... Also the fact I didn't say good bye to Maria is killing me ... a few weeks ago a downloaded some songs with the name Maria in them ... One was Blondie's "Maria" ... Now that's not a song I had ever heard ... but since I downloaded it ... it's EVERYWHERE ... I went to Home Depot and they were playing it over the PA system ... and then tonight on A&E ... the are playing live by request with Blondie .... and All week they have been playing commercials that start with her singing Maria .... It's driving me bonkers ....
On another note ... I have a volunteer/future job thing a ma bob with this guy that owns his own photography/graphics design studio ... it's freaking awesome ... I start next tuesday! ... YAY for me ... I also have to get a real job though ... *shakes head* ... so much for my summer .... BLAH ...
WHY WONT DAD CALL ... I really really really need that money ... I have to buy 2 plants and a margarita set .... plus some other shit for outside.... *shrugs* ... I have no clue what I'll do if he doesnt come by .... probably scream ... I wish mom wouldnt have deleted the message ... only bc I can tell by his voice ... *shrugs* ... Im going to go wait by the phone some more ... and pray thast he phones ... go figure the week I really need it

I think it is time .. time for me to try and lose weight ... along with losing weight ... I think it's time I face my fear and hand out resumes ... starting thursday ...

Sex ... the one thing I never post about ... I was thinking today ... it's strange how a lot of people censor themselves when it comes to sex ... or any sexual feelings we have ... I mean ... for some people it is a religious thing ... but for others ... they are embarassed or ashamed ... quite frankily ... I don't think we should be that way ... I mean ... people don't have to read everything we write ... so why censor ourselves ... *shrugs* ... plus it is part of being human ... being alive for that matter ... Sure its not that black and white ... but I'd be sitting here, typing, for days on end if I wanted to relay all of my thoughts on the issue. Basically sex is sex ... we all have feelings and urges ... of course we may regret things in the end ... but hey ... you felt good for a moment ... Yes yes ... I do see the negative point ... you felt good for a moment .. but now you feel like crap longer ... but still ... you were happy (or whatever the hell you wanna say) ... and other things are bound to make you happy again .. so it isnt the end of the world .... UNLESS ... you get an STD ... but ... protection people ... and if you did and it didn't work ... you knew the risks ... maybe there was something more you could have done .... SEE WHAT I MEAN ... I could keep going on ... and I hate that as I write this ... Im battling myself bc I KNOW people are picking apart my words ... (watch as I get angry) ... thats what people do in here ... they pick apart everything you say ... I admit that I do it to other peoples to ... but I hate that I am censoring myself ... and that I dont feel comfortable writing .... that I feel the need to appease people ... why should I care ... I mean ... not everyone that reads this cares about me ... AND YES I KNOW WHAT SOME PEOPLE ARE THINKING .... if they are reading this ... doesnt that show they do care .... NOT necessarily ... they might be bored to all hell ... and just reaing this to pass time ... maybe this is the only thing that would open .. so they are stuck reading it .... hmmmm ... Im beginning to rant ... geez ... I hate this time of the month ... BLARG ... I wanted to go out today .. but my friend had to go out with her parents *rolls eyes* ... I feel like screaming right now ... you may wonder what has angered me ... SIMPLE ... somebody has entered my domain ... they are agitating me .. and wont leave ... they dont even have to say anything ... but bc I am in one of my moods .. I could flip out ....
ANyways ... Im going to go lie down ... I think y'all are getting where this is going .... KABOOM