So I haven't been posting a lot lately ... and usually that would mean things are going really well ... but it is just the opposite ... I'm beginning to lose my glow ... my ability to see the positives in everything ... and in turn ... I'm not stable ... the other day my mother actually said that I was psychotic and need to get to the doctor again ... I've been writing in a written journal ... and the difference is very clear ... I sound like a split person ... and nothing makes sense ... I can't even explain everything ... all I know is things are bad ... and I am melting down like the rest of my family ... the one thing that I said I would never do ... Everyone says that things will get better and that its ok ... but it isn't ... My mom declares bankruptcy tomorrow ... my aunt comes back for her final divorce court shit ... Jackie will be alone in Newfoundland again and we all remember what happened last time .... dad has been bugging mom to sign a paper about his drivers license, which also releases him from the $70,000 debt he owes mom ... Jen is so weak from being in the hospital ... Grandma is aging and her hearing, eyesight and reaction time is all slipping ... My sanity is slipping away and just the list goes on ... like fuck ... that doesn't sound better ... I'm crying now ... but I'm still going to type because ... I feel like ... I hate fucking playing pretend ... my friends know stuff is wrong ... but they dont get it ... they dont get how bad it is ...
My mom has been really upset over everything ... but there's no need to take it out on me ... I hate being everyones emotional punching bag ... She has been on my case about one of my friends recently ... She's wealthy compared to us ... and her parents don't seem to like us 100% ... the two worlds collide ... but my friend and I are really close ... anyways ... mom said that she was nervous having her in the car because if we got in an accident and they sued us ... we couldnt afford it ... and then she was saying that maybe I shouldnt go over there and all this other crap ... She's basically telling me that she is too good for me ... and everything ... do you know what it's like to fear every movement you make around a person ... she has me paranoid now ....
That's another thing ... my sanity is slipping ... I'm constantly paranoid ... the other day I was afraid to leave my house ... I sat in my room and played on the computer ... the next day I was afraid of the elevator and felt overwhelmed when I entered the mall ... Constant fear and confusion ... I can't take it ... throw me in a white padded room with some tylenol and the occasional water and cracker and I will be fine

So as I said .. I went away fo rthe weekend ... I went to a cottage with some friends and had a blast .... I'm going to post about that later ... bc I want to post about what happened when I got home
When I did get home, all hell broke loose ... I told my mom I'd be coming home the day after I actually arrived ... when I got home I saw a note on the counter to one of the nurses that they took Jen to the hospital. I frantically scrambled and called grams but she wasn't there ... and then got ahold of Nimisha who told me to call the hospital. Sure enough my sister was being admitted but they couldnt tell me anything ... I called Joey and he drove me to the hospital where I found my sister, mom and grams .... apparently Jen was bitten by a spider and it got into her blood stream ... they really dont know what's going on so I guess they are waiting it out .... So, we went to leave at around 8 ... so Jen could go to bed and my dad got off the elevator with grams (she was in the car waiting for us and he saw her) .... so dad wanted to see her for a few minutes and the security guard went with him ... we left and I guess the nurses talked him out of it .... You'd think that would be it ... but no ... yesterday dad went by twice after I left ( I was there for 6hrs) and I guess what he said really upset mom .... he blamed her for my mental state and said that she never loved me as much as she loved Jen ... and I said I knew that wasn't true and bla bla bla ....

Gone for 4 days

I didn't realize how bad things are ... mom never let on ... sure she told me to get a job ... but all parents do that ... today my mom filed bankruptcy ...

Ah man ... I am in such a great mood. I swear today was amazing, despite that I didn't really do anything special. I did recieve a postcard from my online friend, which threw me over the edge .... I was so excited. I also drove around and bought plants ... oo and I visited Happy Rolph's, which was a blast because mom and Erin came with me. I was playing with all the animals (ducks, horse, cow, donkey, goats, sheep etc). When we were leaving the three of us got a really big shock though because the donkey was a little ... shall we say "excited" (it was a boy).
Tomorrow is the big capture the flag thing so I have to make a plan of action .... I think I may bring material to create a bridge and just stuff to help me hide and see in the dark .... mua ha ha ha .... I shall kick ass. I also will bring food and stuff for the fire .... AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH Im excited!!!!!! OOOOO and Cher is coming to Hamilton .... and I want to go ... even if I go by myself ... which I must admit would suck a bit because I like going with Kelly ... just seeing her so happy ... I guess I still do like her ... it's so strange ... *shrugs* ... the other night Erin, Joey and I went to a park ... and I laid on these little slides and it reminded me of the time Kelly totally stole my heart .... *shakes fist* ... damn these straight girls and their magnetism .... that or my stupidity .... Man I miss her ... The thing I hate though is that the age difference is beginning to show .... College really did do some

Ah man ... I am in such a great mood. I swear today was amazing, despite that I didn't really do anything special. I did recieve a postcard from my online friend, which threw me over the edge .... I was so excited. I also drove around and bought plants ... oo and I visited Happy Rolph's, which was a blast because mom and Erin came with me. I was playing with all the animals (ducks, horse, cow, donkey, goats, sheep etc). When we were leaving the three of us got a really big shock though because the donkey was a little ... shall we say "excited" (it was a boy).
Tomorrow is the big capture the flag thing so I have to make a plan of action .... I think I may bring material to create a bridge and just stuff to help me hide and see in the dark .... mua ha ha ha .... I shall kick ass. I also will bring food and stuff for the fire .... AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH Im excited!!!!!! OOOOO and Cher is coming to Hamilton .... and I want to go ... even if I go by myself ... which I must admit would suck a bit because I like going with Kelly ... just seeing her so happy ... I guess I still do like her ... it's so strange ... *shrugs* ... the other night Erin, Joey and I went to a park ... and I laid on these little slides and it reminded me of the time Kelly totally stole my heart .... *shakes fist* ... damn these straight girls and their magnetism .... that or my stupidity .... Man I miss her ... The thing I hate though is that the age difference is beginning to show .... College really did do something to me ... but she's so mature for her age and we get along great .... lol ... I say this but I like a couple people ... all in different ways ... it's odd ... I have to admit I am attracted to Nuria's personality and intelligence ... despite I have never met her (I have seen pictures and she seems beautiful on the outside aswell as on the inside).... I love Merima's body (I saw her at the mall recently) ... Yenny has a great personality and body ... she's fun and I could talk to her for hours.... and she has a sexy accent ..... Maria has intrigued me ... I really have no idea what it is ... but I always hold her in the back of my mind ... like everyone I like ... my friends can vouch for my insane obsessions and what not.
As we can all tell I am feeling lovey dovey/lonely ... you should hear the music I am listening to .... total girlyness ... that and songs that remind me of people ... for those of you that dont know ... I associate songs with people I like ... beats and such remind me of the way they move and act ... like Kelly reminds me of Shaggy's "Oh Carolina" and anything by Cher because of our strange obsession with her ... I'm a Cheraholic ... just to prove ... Cher's biography was just on and so was Mermaids ... and yes folks I tuned into both ... THAT and I am working on getting mom to let me see Cher AGAIN ... Cher ... Stacey ... Kelly ... same things ....
Anyways Im going to go ... do something

Hey everyone
Sorry about my absence ... yet again ... My computer crashed and it took the week to fix it, I have to admit , I almost died. So much has happened and I didn't have anywhere safe to write it. I'm really tired right now, so I think I'll have a nap and type more later

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