So I haven't been posting a lot lately ... and usually that would mean things are going really well ... but it is just the opposite ... I'm beginning to lose my glow ... my ability to see the positives in everything ... and in turn ... I'm not stable ... the other day my mother actually said that I was psychotic and need to get to the doctor again ... I've been writing in a written journal ... and the difference is very clear ... I sound like a split person ... and nothing makes sense ... I can't even explain everything ... all I know is things are bad ... and I am melting down like the rest of my family ... the one thing that I said I would never do ... Everyone says that things will get better and that its ok ... but it isn't ... My mom declares bankruptcy tomorrow ... my aunt comes back for her final divorce court shit ... Jackie will be alone in Newfoundland again and we all remember what happened last time .... dad has been bugging mom to sign a paper about his drivers license, which also releases him from the $70,000 debt he owes mom ... Jen is so weak from being in the hospital ... Grandma is aging and her hearing, eyesight and reaction time is all slipping ... My sanity is slipping away and just the list goes on ... like fuck ... that doesn't sound better ... I'm crying now ... but I'm still going to type because ... I feel like ... I hate fucking playing pretend ... my friends know stuff is wrong ... but they dont get it ... they dont get how bad it is ...
My mom has been really upset over everything ... but there's no need to take it out on me ... I hate being everyones emotional punching bag ... She has been on my case about one of my friends recently ... She's wealthy compared to us ... and her parents don't seem to like us 100% ... the two worlds collide ... but my friend and I are really close ... anyways ... mom said that she was nervous having her in the car because if we got in an accident and they sued us ... we couldnt afford it ... and then she was saying that maybe I shouldnt go over there and all this other crap ... She's basically telling me that she is too good for me ... and everything ... do you know what it's like to fear every movement you make around a person ... she has me paranoid now ....
That's another thing ... my sanity is slipping ... I'm constantly paranoid ... the other day I was afraid to leave my house ... I sat in my room and played on the computer ... the next day I was afraid of the elevator and felt overwhelmed when I entered the mall ... Constant fear and confusion ... I can't take it ... throw me in a white padded room with some tylenol and the occasional water and cracker and I will be fine