This is a dream I had .....

I was in an antique store shopping
Looking through tons of things
I picked up a book that was blue
And looked at it to find names in the front
A woman came and said
Ive never seen anyone pick that up first
And I said it looked really pretty and the name interested me
I thought I was in trouble and so did lindsay and nimisha
But she just said that there are more books downstairs
And that the one I was looking at was a trio about a father
Also reminded me that prices are on everything but feel free to haggle
So we went to look around and found a lot of cool things
I was kneeling on the floor looking in a box
Suddenly gene wilder walked in
He looked very ratty and was in his willy wonka outfit
But it was torn and dusty … but I knew that hat
He walked by and hardly said anything
Then we all decided to go downstairs to look
While I was looking at the books
Nimisha and lindsay ran off to the car and drove away
But before I left I grabbed a tiny bear
And told them I would come back and pay
She said the mint I gave her was pay enough
I looked outside and it was storming worse than I have ever seen
Off in the distance I could see a funnel
But it was stationary
I began to run but because of the wind it was very hard
The rain hit me like a ton of bricks
I tried to stay on the sidewalk … but the wind pushed me into the road
Lightening crashed all around
Finally I made it home where my friends were sitting
Maryann was there and asked if I was ok
Nimisha didn’t say anything
And lindsay sat there laughing at me as I began to cry

I feel sick ...
I feel  dirty ...
I feel lost ...
I feel hopeless ...
I know I'm broken

Anyways ... I am extremely upset right now ... Dar left today ... didnt give anyone any warning ... just picked up her bags at 5:30 .. hopped in a car said good bye to mom ... and left to go back to Newfoundland ... can I just say that A) Im glad she left ... and B) I AM SO PISSED THAT SHE WOULD DO THAT TO MY MOTHER .... ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH MY GOD I THINK IM GOING TO BLOW A FUCKING FUSE

I AM SO PISSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I DONT THINK I HAVE EVER BEEN THIS PISSED OFF BEFORE!!!!!!!

I come in at 1am to find my keyboard missing, I ask mom, and she says she took it because she wants to talk. Then I point out to her that she left a virus scan running, which froze .... so she gave it to me .... took 6 minutes to get the damn thing to work.
So she tells me I'm grounded, that I show no respect to my family and that I am not allowed to hang out with the friends that I do.
I've been decent lately ... and my friends are keeping me sane because my home life is a hell hole ... you all know ... you've read ...
right now though ... Im feeling an all new low ... my family now doesnt want me happy ... that rather bring me into their fucking games and hurt me more ...

Today was interesting ... I posted earlier about a bunch of stuff ... but I had a breakdown ... and I would say it was pretty bad ... I've never been so angry/frusterated ... I'm actually feeling ill right now because of it ...
Then I started listening to my classical music and have begun to feel lonely ... and hopeless ... *shrugs* ... I feel like nobody will want me ... despite that deep inside of me I know that isn't true ... *shrugs*

Within the 4 hours I've been awake I felt felt every emotion. First I was angry, then sad and then content.
This morning I was told (again by Dar) that I was fat and that I should get out more so that I'll look pretty. I got really upset and went into the bathroom, where I stared at my reflection .... and I saw an ugly creature starring right back.
Next I went to the doctors to get a refill on my meds and a refferral to a psychiatrist. I wasn't really pleased with his handling of me and what not ... but I got my way. Anyways, on the way home Dar drove past my old house (the one I dream about atleast 4 days a week) and I've done that soooo many times. Today was different, a woman and cat were sitting on the front porch .... she waved and I waved back. As we passed I said, "that's my old house" ... it was like I was yelling to that lady. Right after that I broke into tears (I'm doing it again) ... I've never seen people at it ... and Dar started saying how one day I can have it back and yata yata yata ... I felt like such a child ... I wanted to go ask that woman if I could see it ... if it was how I remember and if my name was still etched in the bricks .... I want my old life back !!!!!!!!!!! ... I want money, happiness, sanity, privacy .... I miss it all ....
Finally as my eyes were still watering ... we stopeed at a red light .... and a little boy was with his mom ... he smiled at me and began to wave ... I can't even relay what I felt ... but that little boy made me feel a lot better ... such an innocent face ... looking at me ... and when I smiled and waved back ... he started to giggle and wave more ....

Howdy everybody!!!
I'm in such a great mood this morning, despite that I have no plans and nobody is home .... I'll post more in a bit I have to clean up my paint ... lmao

We speak of our feelings, our quests and our confusion ... but hardly ever come to any conclusions. Constantly battling our way through life, instead of hopping on a boat and letting the current take us for the ride. It hurts to think that we cannot be in control of every piece of our life but that is ther truth. Life isn't supposed to be easy, nor ar we supposed to know what is going to happen because then why would we bother living at all? Comfort, stability, understanding and truth are all myths ... simple ideas we grasp on to for meaning.
I say all of this now, but I know in a few days, hours or even minutes I won't be able to keep this at the front of my thoughts ... it will get mixed in with everything else and I will continue to "struggle". Why? Apparently I like struggling or maybe there is something else that I am supposed to understand. Whatever the answer is ... I'm glad I'm alive and not the only one.

Well my friends .... I am feeling a little odd right now ... a mixture of happy and sad ... happy because I am alive ... sad because I am lonely ... one of the people I like could possibly be seeing somebody ... this my friends is a slap of reality ... for when I heard ... I had to choke back tears ... but then I was fine ... because I realized that I want them to be happy ... and not only that ... I like somebody else more ... therefore .. I am happy again....
 
OH ... and this is a post to everyone ... stop assuming that I am talking about you ... despite what you may think ... I actually know a lot of people ... some that you may not know ... and I do tend to post about them ... AND NO THIS POST IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE SPECIFICALLY ... 4 PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME THIS TODAY SO I FIGURED I'D JUST COMMENT

Like I said ... my mood has changed ... and I am currently angry. Yes people ... there is one individual that is not in my family ... that has been able to piss me off to no end ... and if they try to fuck with me anymore than what they have ... I will be one pissed off person ... and nobody wants to feel the wrath of Gillian

You are too innocent and sweet for your own good.


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I'm alive and well!
Things are going pretty good for me, right now. Right now being this moment. I've been listening to classical music and have begun creating things again, I pulled out my unfinished paintings and plan on finishing them at some point this week. I've turned back into lovey dovey Gill, but I'm not really sure why. I think it's because I find comfort in all of those things, and my home life is a little crazy right now.
These past weeks I've been submerging my head into news and documentaries ... I've been asking people to take me on long drives ... and into antique shops ... playing classical music as loud as I can ... while sitting in a dark room ... While I do all of this my heart sings out ... I want love! I want knowledge! I want ... so much ... and while I stimulate my mind ... I feel all of this ... strange ... but true
Anyways .. Im going to go .. I might be sad later on .. or mad .. but atleast I had this moment today

Things are going a little better ... no wait ... that's a lie ... Things are basically the same ... but I've been able to see the positive again ... So while yes ... my posts were a little extreme, they all hold a bit of truth ... and my post about war ... was not written out of sadness or anything ... Peace is something that I hope will be attained ... but unfortunately it doesn't seem like we will be reaching that anytime soon ... One day I will sit and type out my opinions ... because as we all know ... I do not like pain ... but pain is good ... *shrugs* ... nothing is ever black and white anymore ... even the colors aren't

I feel better today ... sorry if I worried anyone

OH geez I cant stand it ... yes everyone ... my fucking dramatic life doesnt end ... WHEN WILL IT GET BETTER ... you people keep telling me day after day things will get better ... and they only get worse ... why did I share my problems with you all ... why bother ... it didnt make anything better ... it opened me up to more hurt ... that false hope I had ... no more pain ... please ... please no more

I went to see King Arthur last night and came out thinking ... thinking about everything ...

I went to see King Arthur last night and came out thinking ... thinking about everything ... it's scary how that movie applies today. I mean it applies to many levels ... but war was the one thing that stuck out the most for me ... because they were saying they were fighting to bring peace ... does war = peace? ... I battled my thoughts last night trying to answer that ... and I was amazed to realize that that maybe it does ... *shrugs* ... in some circumstances ... I wish I lived back then ... What was it ... I need to brush up on my history because I've been so focused on what is going on now ... hence this realization last night that history reflects today and to understand today I have to understand yesterday ... *shrugs* ... I may not make sense to you ... but I make sense to myself ... anyways ... Im still in a shitty mood ... I wonder where my life is leading me .. and according to my dreams ... war ... I know last nights dream was influenced by the movie ... but they are always so freaking similar ... it's scary ... but last night ... last night I seemed to be afraid of shattering chandaliers ... which is a line from "Masquerade" ... *shrugs* ... my life and everything is in so much turmoil that I find myself lost ... have I ever known where I was ... I mena if you flip through my posts I always say I feel lost ... nothing is steady ... anyways .. I could ramble for hours today ... but Im sure I already lost you ... well that is if anyone is reading this ... and if there isnt ... then ... *shrugs* ... I guess Im just talking to myself ... "Hello self ... you can do it"

It’s crazy how I feel
Im lost within myself
Running in circles
Afraid that I’ll trip
My life’s upon a shelf
You hear me talk about it
I keep on crying about it
Why don’t you throw me your shoes
Yes throw them my way
Cause maybe
Yea maybe
I could be free for just one day
You look at me and speak
Words you don’t understand
Take a step back
Look at the world
And then take my hand
I cant fight this battle known as life
I want to give up
I want lay down
I don’t want to keep on living
Please help me
Oh help me save myself
Take my hand
Keep your shoes
Dont let me die

New writting in the other half of this blasted thing ... I still feel like shit ... shittier than I've felt for a long time

I've never hated my life so much ... people keep making comments and I don't think I can stand it anymore ... for the past few days my grandmother has commented about the pills I take ... and I hate that she does that ... I didn't take them for weeks because I hated the fact I needed them ... and when I finally get back on them and was doing a bit better ... she has to go and get me upset again ... not only that ... but I made a joke today because Dar said I can only eat this one kind of ice cream (expensive) because I get sick on every other kind ... so I said ... I think it is just a mental thing and she said ... I'll say that the next time you reach for your pills ... and she said this while I was eating my birthday cake ... I almost threw up ... so after I ate it I went upstairs ...
Earlier in the day we were supposed to go for a drive .. but dar decided to go for a walk ... but I didnt want to bc it was hot ... and so mom and dar left without me ... and I went upstairs to my computer and my balloons ....
And ... what just put me over the edge .... I was laying on the floor with my birds ... and dar said ... WOW Gill you really need to start exercising alot everyday ... you need it ... geez Gill ...
I cant type anymore because I am crying ... well ... crying so that nobody can hear me ... only the people reading this will know ... I want to say more ... but it's too private

So anyways ... I like 2 people ... 2 people that I talk to a lot ... and probably shouldn't like ... but I cant help myself ... and I'm grateful for all the moments together ... but Im killing myself ... it's so hard to like people that will never like you

I feel like shit and I have no clue why. Yesterday was my 19th birthday ... I went out with a few friends and bought my first case of booze, it was exciting. I came home by 9:30 and then drank a bottle of what I had bought ... my stomach wasn't very happy .... but the giggling made up for that. I feel depressed today, I know that's nothing new ... but ... I do. The other part is it is for one of the same old reasons ... I feel lonely ... and have very low self esteem. I'm worrying about how people percieve me ... including my friends. I guess that's stupid since I hung out with them yesterday ... but yea ... that's how I feel today ... Sorry about the not posting a lot ... I've been doing stuff and what not .... yea ... here come the dots ... notice the increase in dots when I am depressed or frazzled