Today I have realized the type of human I am, and unfortunately that is not a good thing. I have recently managed to push the entire world away from me and destroy the bonds that I have held closely for many years.
Firstly, I actually disliked somebody. I felt annoyed and didn't understand how they could treat people the way they did .... I felt they lacked respect for others and disliked that they didn't show interest in bettering themselves ... which includes gaining knowledge. I know I'm allowed to dislike people, but this was one of my best friend's girlfriends. I of course was happy for him, that he found somebody he feels so deeply for ... but I guess I didn't show it ... and with that I believe I lost a friend.
Secondly, my insecurities have pushed another close friend away. Just a moment ago I made a total ass of myself by complaining about not going out .... I'm like a child. I need to be constantly reassured that people like me. How pathetic is that? I actually thought I was being rational until I was told
"well what do you want me to say i mean you were always with joey and erin and now that niether of them are around it seems your trying to hang out with us more.... i mean you cant just expect people to do something all the time i mean we have other friends or bfs and work and family too so its hard and then the left over time is nice to have to yourself plus i havent had a viechle in a week"
My little glass house was shattered. Apparently I'm not that great of a friend because I make people doubt themselves. I thought I tried to involve people in my activities. I thought it was just the other people that didn't get along, so what was I supposed to do. She's right ... I have been trying to hang around them more .... but that's only because my time isn't occupied by Erin and Joey because they have other things to do. Was it wrong of me to try to fill that void?
I have no life of my own. The person mentiond friends, family, bfs/gfs, work and personal time ... Well, I've pushed away my friends and its not as if I mean that much to anyone anyways .... My aunt apparently left because of me (aka I pushed away my family), my father doesn't even appear to have any interest in talking to me ... so that should tell you something right there ... when my own flesh and blood run the other way from me .... I'm alone, something I hate so much. I fear being alone and that is what I have done .... I was afraid to apply for a job because of my own insecurities. I left money up to mom and I still am ... she pays for everything and I sit here day after day staring at a computer screen ... hoping for somebody to say ... Gillian you're a good person and things will be okay ... Yet another pathetic thing ... I have my personal time. I have so much that it has consumed me. My over active brain can be blamed for so many things. I sit here and search for reasons why I am this way. All I can come up with, is that I want to be alone and sad. I always thought it was strange to be that way ... but that is what I am doing to myself
I am a fake ... I am everything that I despise ... people will post or email me ... or even message me that things will be okay ... but will anyone take the time to call or stop by ... no ... Will anyone speak truthfully to me and tell me that ... yes I am being an asshole ... No ... probably not ... everyone will let me continue living in my house made of broken glass .... yes ... I can rebuild my glass house ... I've actually become a professional ...
I would like to appologize to all of you that I have hurt. You can accpet it or not .... I've realized that I'm not that much of a person .... so I have no right to make others feel badly
