Howdy everybody .... things are swell .... Im getting back on track .... and ... I dunno .... I really dont feel like writing .... but Im bored .... maybe later I will write another story .... one like theresa and the three bears .... seeing as how so many people enjoyed it .... WOW .... I have an extreme pain forming in my arm .... BLAH ... tomorrow I have to finish my photo illustration .... you know the one I cant make my mind up on .... I really want to do the pollution one ... I just need somebody to fucking drive me 2 places to get the pictures .... GRRRRRR ....
Anyways ... I want Chantal to be here now ...

Okay everyone ... I have finally named my breasts ... Cher and Bette .... My left is Cher ... and my right boob is Bette ... Now you all might think Im crazy right now ... and maybe I am ... but naming your breasts is a big deal .... it shows that you are proud of your breasts ... and that you pay attention and care for them ... *shrugs* ....I think it's because I watched the vagina monologues ... and am beginning to have an appreciation for my ... sexual organs or what have you ... next I have to name my .... you know ... anyways ... y'all should try it ... look at yourself ... and pick a name ...

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW .... AND GUESS WHAT EVERYONE .... IM NOT SAYING WHY .... BECAUSE FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE .... I AM GOING TO BE MAD ....

YEA .... I'm crazy .... that was a story from last year ... during one of Gary's class

Once upon a time there lived a momma bear, a sissy bear ... and another sissy bear.
One day the bears decided to go to the Evergreen mall to pick up some honey for their tea .... Anyways ... this little girl named theresa was wandering through the woods and came upon the big bears' house .... now being the dorky girl she is .... theresa decided to go in to the house .... After entering, Theresa smelt something yummy ... mmmm I wonder what it is ... thought theresa ... So she searched the house ...
After following her nose ... theresa found a table with tea and porridge on it ... and since she was hungry .... theresa sat down ....
NOW WHAT WAS SHE THINKING ... She breaks into a house owned by bears and expects things to be ok? ... Yea ... whatever ...
so yea ... theresa sat in the first chair and tasted the cereals
OW! That was freaking hot! ... yelled theresa (she likes talking to herself)
NO SHIT IT WAS HOT .... did she think it was a steaming bowl of cold porridge ....
ANyways ... theresa went to the second bowl and at e a spoonful ...
OW! What the heck .... this bowl is hot too!!! ... she bellowed
And being the bull headed girl she is ... thersa tried the last bowl ...
THIS BOWL IS EVEN HOTTER
NO DUh .... Im surprised the bowl isnt on fire with all the air your letting out .... and what do you think .... one pot serves different temperatured foods?
So theresa had a hissy fot .... but was hushed by the clock striking 12 ... then she freaked out again because her favorite show was on .... GILLY BEANS LIVE ... so theresa found a room with a tv and chairs ... then quickly sat down .... she moved shortly after though because apparently wooden chairs are hard ....
The second one she tried had crumbs ALL over it ... then she sat on the last one .... and busted it!!!!! .... WAY TO GO BIG ASS .... the chair was meant for a baby ....SO since all the chairs were too crappy for theresa .... she laid on the floor .... 1/2hr later the show ended and Theresa decided to explore ....
I wonder what's up those stairs ... thought theresa .... as she began to clib them ....
BOOM
half way up the stairs .... theresa lost her balance and fell to the bottom of the stairs ... but instead of giving up ... theresa climbed to the top ... she found three beds ... and tried them out ... the first was too high and she couldnt get on it ....
The second bed was a water bed ... and within 2 minutes she popped it ... and instead of cleaning things up ... Theresas friends decided to clean it up ... ANYWAYS ... theresa tried the last bed and fell asleep ....
FINALLY the 3 bears cazme home ... b4 waking up ... momma bear looked at baby ... and said ... youd think these stupid girls would learn ... especially off of all the headlines about goldilocs.
Theresa began to cry as she woke up and said .... please dont eat me ... I only have one hip ...
The bears laughed and said SAME WITH US ....

Anyways ... Im stuck here at school ... I'm really quite calm ... despite that my head is pounding ... I finished all of my work and handed it in ... and I am now ready to face myself ... I am ready to move forward and finish this course .... I feel like such an idiot for getting lost in my thoughts ... *shakes fist* .... why get depressed when I have so little time ... why do i fear everything ... BLAH .. my brain is on overload

Dont you understand? says:
Cool ... I want to apologize to you. At the same time ... I want to let you in on what is going on with me ... and the conclusions that my mother and I have come to
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
ok shoot
Dont you understand? says:
BAre with me ... I get tongue twisted
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
ok
Dont you understand? says:
I lost control of myself. I was consumed by ... my feelings and my thoughts. I was pulled in to a pit, of what I believed, no return. I gave up, I wanted out of the insanity ... I turned to my girlfriend to occupy my mind ... I went home and forced myself to hold in everything .... I tried to hide from the world
Dont you understand? says:
I wanted to let myself go ... let myself just unwind ... even if that meant coming back to school next year ... atleast I would have time to myself ... time to finally release everything inside of me ... to not have to worry about peoples perceptions ... to just let it go ... and then come back with a clean slate
Dont you understand? says:
I realize it doesnt work that way ... and that I have to work harder .... I can work at my own pace .... I can worry about myself ... and that I do have people there to listen to me ... and that care about me .... I know that school does not have to over power me ... and that I am not in a rush
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
so are you trying to say that you are going to turn things around or are you still at the same conclusion that you will come back next year?
Dont you understand? says:
That's where it's hazy. I am going to try to pull myself together and finish this semester ... if I pass ... I pass ... if I fail ... I come back ... I am not going to purposely fail or slack off ... put I am not going to hurt myself again ... I am not going to push myself to do something that I am not ready for
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
you said you went home and tried to make the world go away. It isn't going to go away and I think the best thing for you is to go out into teh world...
Dont you understand? says:
I know that now
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
I think in a way you don't realize that everybody has so many problems in life and are struggling with things right now including school. You don't have to do things alone you can ask anyone for help
Dont you understand? says:
I was wrong
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
doing things on your own isn't easy and you don't have to be embareassed to ask for help from anyone
Dont you understand? says:
I know ... and i have finally asked for help ... I asked my mother and Chantal to help me today ... I have finally ... after 19 years ... realized that I need help ...
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
what are you going to do
Dont you understand? says:
A) Put my focus back on school B) Go to a psychiatrist and not hold it off C) come clean to phylis D) LIVE
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
sounds like a plan. I'm here to help you in anyway that you need. Don't be afraid to ask.
Dont you understand? says:
lol .. you just made me cry
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
sorry lol thought I was helping haha
Dont you understand? says:
You are ... Im just so happy that you haven't turned your back. I know it's probably hard dealing with me on top of everything else that is on your plate
Laura-That much closer to an interview with Paul Brandt says:
lol it was tough at times, I tried not to loose it because I know how I would have felt in your position. But at the same time we were hoping that the e-mail wouldn't have negative effects and you would turn yoru back on us. But I am glad you took it the right way and not offensive because we really are worried.
Dont you understand? says:
I know ... and it helped to wake me up. I just want you to understand that this is still going to be a battle ... but I'm moving at my own pace now ... Im not going to kill myself over everything ...

I dont want to be here anymore ... I want to move away to some place that nobody knows me ... I can't stand everything ... I have lost control ... I just feel so alone at some times ... I was just talking to my friend and she was saying about me using my anxiety disorder as a crutch ... I know I do ... I use it for every problem ... Im afraid ... I want to just cry right now ... I have pushed my friends to the point that they wrote me a letter talking about how worried they were about me ... about how I seem to have given up ... and you know what ... in some strange way I have ... I feel like I am finally being consumed by something .... I sit in class and my skin begins to burn because there are so many people around .... LOOK .... IM DOING IT AGAIN .... MY friends say that it's because I spend so much time with Chantal ... but I know that's not true because my problems started before that ... just read my blog ... I hate that people blame her ... if anything she is keeping me sane ... those days when I go home terrified ... I end up talking to her for hours ... she can be dopey with me ... but we have serious discussions and it all helps me vent in a way .... if I didnt .... I dont know what would happen ... hence why I leave school ... I would rather leave then blow up at school ... and I'd rather have somebody there to pull me from the edge of the cliff .... I love Chantal .... I love my friends ... and I love my family .... I want to thank everyone ... for everything they have done ...

I love Chantal ... and ... and ... I swear I would marry her in a heart beat

Fuck this sucks ... Im trying to write five reports for tomorrow ... and edit a few other things ... I have a strange feeling I might be pulling an all nighter or something ... just what I feel like doing after the past 24hrs of boringness ...
I miss Chantal ... I haven't seen her since last night and I want to hug her ... she's coming over in like 4 or 5 hrs though ... enough time to shower, clean my room and fucking write some of these papers ... like this is seriously shitty stuff ...

I am in heaven right now. These past 3 days have been the most amazing days ever!!! I have spent every moment with Chantal ... and I have fallen more and more in love with her. She has stollen my heart ... and I am truly happy with her.
Currently I am entertaining myself because she is cooking us Thanksgiving Dinner .... and may I just say it smells really good ... and from what I sampled it's going to taste FABULOUS! That's right ... I used the f word!!! ...
Everything is perfect ... I walk outside and it looks and smells like fall .... of course it is fall .... but I just love the way it feels .... and spending time with Chantal during this .... *dreamy sigh* .... Saturday we went to Balls Falls .... *falls over* .... it was amazing .... the colors, the smells, the sounds .... I LOVE IT .... and Chantal was right there with me ... I swear I was on sensory overload ... I have been for the past 3 days ...
OH ... I finally got my period after almost 2 months ... like that's scary ... I was in pain earlier ... but Chantal gave me some meds ... and Im able to get myself out of the fetal position .... GOD I LOVE HER .... I can hear her bustling about in the kitchen .... and I just want to run out there and take her in my arms ... but .... *runs*

I was looking through my blogs from years past ... and some notes that I scribbled down ... I remembered to tell mom that I saw "the man" again when I slept at Chantal's place. Then I thought ... I saw him 2 years ago at Thanksgiving when I slept at Aunt Gail's ... *shrugs* ... I've seen him 4 times .... and I want to know who he is .... I think one night this week I will have a vigil in my room .... usually I steer away from contacting them ... but I want to meet him ...

Im feeling a little lost at the moment ... while I am happier beyond belief ... there is this underlying fear ... I fear losing her ... and at the same time ... I curse myself because of the way I feel ... *shakes head* ... I love her so much and I love being with her ... so why am I so miserable ... well yesterday I realized I cannot stand Matt ... I can't stand seeing him, talking to him or anything ... He's a nice guy ... but he makes me feel ill ... and yesterday I found out he asked her to sleep with him in his bed ... I haven't had the chance to talk to her ... but Im sure she knows that I'm burning ... You know ... She said yesterday that she loves me .... me ... not him .... and I cried .... I wanted to hear those words and I did .... but I still have fear because I dont know what he will do ... she is still under the same roof with somebody that loves her .... god knows I wouldnt be able to stay away .... so yea .... I'm scared .... She did love him once .... and ... you know ... it's not easy on me because I fear that I won't be good enough .... that I'm not doing things right .... that she expects something else ... something more ... but all I have to give her is my love ... She says she loves me ... she says she understands my feelings .... she doesnt want to change me ... she accepts the way I am .... that she would do anything for me .... She says all of this .... on top of turning her life upside down for me .... she's moving out in a couple weeks .... she got her own room .... she broke off an engagement .... she's taken more shifts to save money for our future .... she makes me food and buys me dinner .... she's making me turkey .... she's .... god she's perfect!!!!!!! .... *breathes* .... I can't lose her .... I wont lose her .... I will be with her as long as she lets me .... I love you Chantal

I have experienced the best 24hrs of my life!!!
It started 2pm yesterday .... until 2pm today .... Well, I'm still in a dream world .... but those 24hrs were fucking amazing .... If you don't want to hear detailed information I suggest you stop reading .... If you don't mind hearing things .... pull up a chair
Yesterday afternoon I went out with 2 girls from the college .... we went to the mall and of course I ended up buying something .... an aquarium .... nothing big and fancy .... but all the same it is fabulous!!! .... this item means a lot to me .... it is the first thing that I will have contributed to the apartment .... the one Chantal is searching for .... the one where we will be able to stay together .... totally alone and not constantly jumping at every noise .... ANYWAYS .... I got to Chantal's by 2 .... I hugged and kissed her and we did what we always do .... snuggle up on the couch and talk about our day (whilst she made biscuits) .... Then Matt came home .... *grumble* ... anyways ... he only stayed for a bit and then ran out to buy a bed ... so Chantal and I just kept on snuggling .... THEN .... it was time to seperate their rooms .... THATS RIGHT .... Chantal now has her very own room .... with a door that closes .... meaning more privacy than we have ever had .... This is when I had to go because I was going out to a pub that night with Caitlin, my mom and two of mom's friends .... I had a blast .... pub dancing .... singing .... drinking ..... Caitlin was a blast to hang out with .... I like it because she understands my insecurities and actually tries to .... ummmm .... you know .... work around them and not put me in uncomfortable situations .... ANYWAYS .... the night ended early and we were home by 10:30 .... Caitlin drove me to Chantal's ... and became the first of my friends to meet her ...."I think she is pretty and I like her kitties. She seems very kind." ..... So caitlin left .... Matt went to sleep .... and chantal and I just laid there watching tv and talking .... THIS IS WHERE SOME MAY WANT TO STOP READING .... We watched MXC (funniest show) and then changed into our pjs and got under the sheets .... did the usual kissing and fondling .... and then she started laughing because I kept zonking out ... *giggles* ... I was tired .... ANYWAYS .... we both slept that night .... skin to skin .... and it was the greatest sleep either of us has had in a loooooong time .... I woke up and lazed around .... she didnt have anything to eat for breakie .... but that didnt stop her .... she made a batch of 1/2 coffee cake and 1/2 strawberry muffins .... they were soooo friggin good .... anways .... we lazed around .... and began to "get close again" .... and I had my first orgasm brought on by another person .... I cried I was so happy .... and she just smiled .... I guess she felt reassured .... I've been very .... umm ... nervous and never quite relaxed myself .... SO YES .... then she had to go to work ... and I came home and napped for 3 hrs .... can we just say ... I am a happy little shit right now ....

I officially have a girlfriend .... Everyone ... meet Chantal .... the most amazing woman on earth .... the girl that has stollen my heart .... oh god .... I could go on for hours .... Anyways ... *giggles* ....