I think we’ve all hit a rut in our lives, but a lot of us are afraid to admit to it, or talk about what happened and our feelings on it all.
I am about to break that pattern because I feel it’s important to share, to let people know that they are not the only ones going through a hard time. I don’t want this column to sound like a rant or what have you. I really just want people to know that there are other people that hit ruts, or some potholes, along the road of life.
It was the words of somebody else that made me realize I could get myself out of the mess I was in. SO maybe, somebody will read this and be inspired.
It started as soon as I came back for my third term of school, maybe even a bit before then. I began to feel overwhelmed by everything. Waking up in the morning and stepping on to my balcony wasn’t the same. Instead of looking around and taking a deep breathe in, I curled up in the corner and began to breathe heavily. My eyes would dart from one thing to another and after only a few minutes I would need to go inside of my apartment.
The world seemed too big and I felt like it was going to crush me. I was seeing things in a new light because I had finally got my first job at a local Wal-Mart, and for some odd reason things were a little distorted.
I’ve always had an anxiety disorder and that is why I never really had a job until now, I was afraid of people and couldn’t stand being around large groups. Working forced we to not only be around people, but interact with them.
For the first weeks I would just shake at the thought of going to work and then when I got home I would shake because I was afraid of what all the people who saw me that day thought of me. This was quite overwhelming and just one-week later school started up and once again I was pushed into a large crowd of people.
I would stand in the hallways and be paralyzed with fear. Silly in some ways, being afraid of other people, but apparently it is very common.
So now I was balancing school and work, plus add on this constant fear of people and failure, I seemed to be heading no where.
I would go to school, listen to what the teachers said and then when I got home to do my work, nothing would come out. I would go sit on the computer and type to friends because I didn’t think anything I did was that great, so why bother trying.
I kept letting myself slip. I’d miss a class here, forget to hand in an assignment there and then the ultimate challenge. I would sit and think about what a loser I was and let the negative part of my mind take over. I would look in the mirror and see an ugly creature. I felt so worthless, despite what everyone said, I didn’t think I was good enough to be alive.
Then I met my girlfriend. That’s right I’m gay.
I’ve been out since I was 16 but never have been in a serious relationship. I was consumed by this feeling of happiness, I began to feel so good about myself. I handed in a ton of assignments, although they were late and focused on school again.
That was short lived because I realized I was failing two of my classes. I had let myself go way too far.
I used to be an 80’s or 90’s student and now I was failing. I didn’t deserve to be happy and once again I began to spiral downwards.
This time my family, friends and my girlfriend pointed out that I could do better, that I could get my passion for writing and school back.
I emailed my teacher and her words are what helped me. She made me realize that it was time to smarten up and that it was possible to pull back. I may not be 80’s or 90’s but I could pass and pull those marks off in the next semester.
Currently things are extremely stressful, I’m not going to lie. I am having a bit of a struggle, but I am making changes to help myself. There is always a way to help yourself, you just have to search. My next step is coming out to some family members other than my mother.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
