I think I have bit the dust ... for the past 24hrs I have been trying to tell myself the truth about what is wrong with me ... I have been trying to figure out what has happened over the past 4 months ... why I have been so manic ... I am going to show you raw ... I am going to write out a list of people and things in my life ... I am going to elaborate ... and I am going to write down side notes ... nobody needs to read this ... but I want to get it out ...

First I will go through a list of people that will lead to thoughts ... if I offend anyone ... please tell me and I will delete that portion ... but I really just need to vent ....

Dad: My father is an asshole ... and I can't stand him ... and when I say that .. this overwhelming feeling of guilt comes over me ... I can see his face ... how much he has changed ... he looks so empty ... and then I get angry ... I get so angry I want to scream ... how could he do that ... we tried to help him ... and he still turned his back ... ARGH!!!! FUCK ... things might have been so amazing if he would have said NO to drugs ... Y'all know the stories .... he would mentally abuse me ... call me everything under the sun ... he'd slap ... "the fight" ... HERE COMES THE TRUTH ... I remember when I was little always going to his friends houses ... I have no doubt in my mind now that some of those friends were his druggy buddies ... hence why they would leave me watching the odd fucked up movie ... I know one of them had nudity ... 3 people (2 guys and a girl) ... I know the guys heads were chopped off ... and that the woman was naked in some hot tub ... and these crazy natives brought her the heads of her friends ... It's scrambled ... but I can see it ... It scared me ... I didnt understand .... Dad also was addicted to not only drugs ... but porn ... it was everywhere ... and I didnt think he should have it because of mommy ...anyways ... I would take it and rip it up ... or I told mom and she threw it out ... he then began to hide it ... and of course ... I was a kid that played around ... and would get into everything ... I always found it ... and once I looked at it ... I quickly closed it and chucked it out ... but I had an "interest" with it ... OH ... and the asshole went and looked at porn sites on my computer which would show up when we needed it fixed ... and just ... you know ... it was my computer ... I didnt want porn on my computer ... *shrugs* ... I don't understand it all ... ANyways ... I remember so much negative stuff ... I know there are tons of positives .... but he hurt me ... mentally and physically ..... and I am angry
Jen: My sister is now 14 and she has out lived all of her friends .... my sister is so extremely important to me ... I love her so much ... and I am afraid of losing her ... I dont dwell on it ... but that thought is there ... I want to give her everything ... but I have nothing ... I love her ... I dont want to lose her ... she helps me gets through life ... when I thought about killing myself ... I couldnt ... because of my sister .... she wouldnt understand .... and I couldnt leave her ... I cant leave her
Mom: Mom has done so much for me ... we get eachother on a level and on others we dont ... but for the most part ... we are cool ... I do get angry at her about the past sometimes .. but it is not her fault .... I love mom .... I wish she wasnt so hard on herself
Grams Reid: Grams is going crazy ... I dont want to lose her ... I dont want her to die like grandpa Barclay ... alzheimers .... and I feel like she might one day
Dar: Dar has fucking lost it ... she is so mentally abusive .... she bashes me everyday .... she makes sure to tell me how fat I am ... how I should be helping my mother more .... she makes me feel inadequate ... like I should be god ... but Im not ....
Jackie: I feel bad for her ... she's so screwed up .... the poor kid ... she needs time away
Wayne: Yet another Male asshole ... abusive to the max ... ARGH ... I could seriously do some damage to him ... but what good would that do ... I wish I could have held him off of dar and jackie ... TRUTH ... I tried ... I tried to "play wrestle" him until he was too tired ... I had so many bruises ... twisted arms/wrists ... I always ached after wrestling ... I tried to tire him out ... I would wrestle ... and get hurt .... just so he would either leave them alone or be weaker ... I guess it didnt work ... and I guess they didnt care that I was getting hurt
Bob + Gail: I dont understand how they can be so critical about people ... especially their own children
Sherry: She is straightening out ... she has a child and another on the way ... She stills causes shit but I just dont get involved .... its better than the days of her stealing ... going crazy over the phone ... and whatever the hell else she used to do
Robert: sounds like he is doing better ... he is the one that lost his legs ... I really never see him ... which really sucks ... but atleast he is doing okay... he's always meant a lot to me
Jade: cute little kid that knows too much .... she has experienced so much because her mother fucked up ... but we all do that ... I just wish Jade didn't have to know so much ... she is a child ... not an adult
Barclay side: I don't even know where the hell to start .... they are some fucked up people .... we've got drugs running rampid through quite a few of them .... familly tiffs .... and then my distance from them because my parents seprated ... I miss my family ... and I want to see them ... but I am so nervous ... I went a couple years ago ... and it was so strange ... everybody would ask questions ... and looked at me oddly ... IT WASNT MY CHOICE ... my parents split up ... i didn't know when you were all getting together ... I was afraid to call ... IM SORRY
Erin: I miss her and it is really hard not having her around .... she is one person that understands me in some fucked up way ... Erin I miss you so much
Joey: lmao ... the one man in my life that means A LOT to me ... if I was straight ... LMAO ... that was a funny joke ... ANYWAYS ... Joey you mean a lot to me ... you understand me on a different level... and you have a good heart ... i miss you ... and sometimes I feel like you dont care about me ... please comeback
Chantal: I love you .... I am so confused as to what is happening in my life ... and I want to apologize for putting you through all of this ... I have blamed you for this change ... but it is me ... and I am so sorry .... I am lost .... I have been for months now ... and I don't know how to get back ... I used you to block my mind ... I poured all of my energy into loving you ... and got swept away by it all .... I acted impulsively .... I understand now that I put too much on your shoulders ... and I understand that I began to move too quickly ... You have done so much for me ... and I don't want to lose you ... Thank you for loving me ... for giving me something so amazing ... I look forward to our future ... and I hope you want to share it with me ... to slowly walk down this road of life ... hand in hand
College Friends: My college friends are great ... they realized I was slipping and they reached out ... unfortunately I was an asshole and didnt grab on to their hands ... I let myself slip (I have a clip of the labrynth in my head) ...
School: I am toast ... if I pass I will be amazed ... my mother has assured me that she understands ... she realizes that I need time ... that something is happening and that I need time to regain myself ... she is not angry or disappointed ... she knows that i might need a semester to work ... and figure things out .... now can everyone else accept that ... can I accept that ... can I accept failure in a way
Home: I want out ... but am realizing that I cant do it ... I dont have the money ... I can save ... and maybe January ... but I want out now ... *shrugs* ... I can wait ... get my bearings ...

OKAY!!! ... Now my brain is flowing ... but I need to sleep ... so I will post more tomorrow ... when I take a break from the craziness known as the newspaper