Well, it's New Year's Eve DAY ... Im so friggin hyper it isn't funny ... I need to pick up stuff for tonight, pack, drug myself and find the perfect New Year's hat ... *jumps around* ...

Also last night I watched the most touching lesbian story, I like this movie even more than Better Than Chocolate ... It's called Tipping the Velvet ... AMAZING!!! ... I have fallen in love with it

*jumps around* Today is the 30th!!!

I have so many sides to me, it drives me mad.
Prior to this post we witnessed the angry child ... I hate when I get like that because the thoughts that pour out are .. well .. childish. I don't come to any conclusions and I basically waste time. I'm not saying that what I posted was a lie, but I blew it out of proportion.
If I must be depressed atleast give me a few good brain bursts (lmao reminds me of a post from a few weeks ago) ... something that I can discuss. Well, I guess I could discuss the different stages I go through, how there are different sides that come out during depression. lol ... I seriously think I'm just psychotic and have some episodes every so often.
Anyways, on to being "normal" ... I'm in a great mood ... I cleaned my room and reorganized it ... I also did some painting. I decided earlier that I wanted to paint, but I grabbed the first thing I saw ... which was this HUGE piece of presentation board that I usually have infront of my desk with a cloth over it ... this will be the largest painting I have done in awhile ... knowing me I'll only paint a quarter of it *shrugs* ...
Oh I also would like to thank the little pink coated elf for helping to snap me out of my little spell.
:) Hopefully you won't have to witness many more of them ...

ROUND TWO!!!!!!
She cant just let things drop ... she can't accept apologies ... she can't get over herself ... she has to make everything a big fucking production ... make sure everyone sees it ... I'm trying to change to her liking ... why do I feel so dead ... I'm trying ... but failing apparently ... and then when I ask something ... I get yelled at ... I'M TRYING MOM ... YOU KNOW ... it hurts me too ... it hurts to see you get eaten away by everything ... it hurts seeing ... BLAH ... Im not going to start .. you all don't need to know everything ... you know enough ... that's all you need ... nobody wants to know who I am ... admit it ... if this is what I let out ... imagine what is buried ... I suggest you all run away ... never look back ...

PS. ANYONE looking for a roomate ... a bit on the psychotic side???

Oh, how I love having fights with parents ... and even better is I've been doing it all my life ... I can really hold my ground ... like with my father ... near the end it didn't matter if he hit me as hard as he could ... I'd stare him in the eye and scream at him until he gave up and left the room ...
Now mom ... I've never really had any major fights with her, but right now everyday seems to be a new struggle. I try to help by doing something and all she does is treat me like dirt. I ask her to take me in the car (as we all know that means I am stressed and I NEED to get in the car and drive) ... and she turns around and decides to go over to Errol's place. The boyfriend I have met all of twice (in 2 or 3 years) ... the man that when he sees me doesn't know who I am ... Doesn't aknowledge my sister and I ... I'm surprised she didn't call up her friends and go out with them ... or something else so that she doesn't have to be here at home ... Does she want away from her life that badly? I know it isn't heaven ... that we have scars from the past ... and some wounds that we are trying to heal ... but doesn't she see anything? Can't she see life? I don't understand ... I'm crying now ... I'm crying because things are just flooding into my mind ... all the things she has been saying ... the cold looks she gives me when I speak ... This is our life ... look around ... stop ignoring it!!!!!!!! ... we aren't what we used to be ... We are poor ... We are looked down upon ... We have to fight to recieve basic needs ... and guess what ... There are people that have it harder ... and GEEZ ... family ... I don't think I understand the term ... I think I am trying to grasp onto a concept that I don't really know ... Ah my friends ... look at me ... here I go again ... getting upset ... nowonder Im alone ... who could ever put up with this ... I can never be happy ... I let everything bug me ... and then I have a lovely dramatic delivery of the things going on in my mind ... you can all ignore this ... I do ... just watch ... give me a couple hours and I will be fine again ... I always am ... and things will be swept under the rug
************************************************************
Breaks to grab tea
************************************************************

See ... I'm already feeling fine again ... I have my Little Women music on ... and I'm reading a responce to a story I posted online *shrugs* ... I love hearing what people think ... but anyways ... Im going to go ... after I clean my room ... I might paint ... I can imagine the canvass now ..
TEARS FLOW
SING SOUL SING
THE BIRD FLIES HIGH
WITH YOU ON ITS WING
KISS THE MOON
LET THE LIGHT SHINE DOWN
NEVER STOP LOOKING UP
YOU WEAR THE CROWN
YOU ARE THE QUEEN
YOU RULE THE LAND
WITH GRACE AND LOVE
TAKE HOLD OF MY HAND
FIGHT THIS BATTLE
WHILE DOVES FLY HIGH
SING SOUL SING
NEVER SAY GOOD BYE
FIGHT TILL THE END
YOU HAVE THE POWER
STRENGTH IS WHAT YOU LACK
WALK FORWARD
NEVER LOOK BACK
STRENGTH IS IN YOUR HEART
DO WHAT YOU MUST DO
YOUR SONG NEEDS TO BE HEARD
YOU OWE IT TO NOBODY BUT YOU
SING SOUL SING

YAY ... Im redoing my room ... well taking down the Christmas stuff and putting up my normal stuff ... it feels good ... but oh so tiring ... I'm feeling really good today ... calm and thoughtful ... *smiles* ... Now if only I could figure out my game plan come January ... school or no schoo ...
I really want to take the time off ... but with mom hounding me ... I just want to agree so she'll shut up ... I can't stand the way she's been acting *shakes fist* ... but yea ... Im kinda hungry so I might run up to zehrs and buy something to make ... or ask grams if she wants to get a pizza ... lol ... a night of movies, pizza and myself ... could be nice ... and I'll honestly just keep to myself ... not invite everyone over .. lmao ... well ... *shrugs*

Currently ... I'm craving something ... and that something would be somebody to hold on to and cuddle ... I'm watching Legends of the Fall ... and after this is either The Color Purple or First Knight ... *shrugs* ... but yes ... I really just want to have somebody to snuggle with as my eyes tear up and my heart flutters to the music

*shakes fist* Stupid Joey and his boyness ... he's out testing cars and making Erin and I wait ... Doesn't he understand that we are getting extremely impatient ... first 10 ... then 12 ... then 12:30 ... oh wait let me try 1 more car .... NO!!!! ... come entertain us ...
IM HYPER!!!

ERIN AND JOEY DAY!!!!!!!!!

Well I went for a drive to NOTL ... it was beautiful ... the entire time I was thinking ... I wish I lived here ... *shrugs* ... anyways I miss my little elf ... I wish it was 1am ... lol

I'm okay now

Called Nimisha up and talked to her for awhile ... told her about my little elf and how mom left without me ... and then ... mom came home ... so yea ... Im going out in a bit to goodness knows where ... hmmm ... maybe she'll take me to look at Antiques ... or for a drive to look at old buildings *dreamy sigh* time to load the mp3 player with the Little Women soundtrack ... *giggles*

Looks like I am spending the day at home ... of course I might walk up to the Fairview ... *shrugs* ... Erin went out with her parents ... Kelly went out with hers ... Joey is with Diana .... and I am here ... stuck in my stupid house ... feeling like crap because when I woke up this morning the stupidest thought ran through my head ... causing me to be depressed ... and then to make it worse ... when I asked my mother to wait for me ... she didn't and has left for the day ...
So what was the thought ... Well ... Simple ... My father didn't even call me this year for Christmas ... I know I get upset when he does and that he usually just stirs up trouble ... but it's still the fact that he didn't call his own daughter on Christmas ... It hurts ... He could have even sent a card ... but no ... Grrrrr ... Why ... Why does that make me upset ... why does that make me want to scream ... I hate this ... I hold so much anger deep within me ... and I dont know who or what it is directed at ... So I can't even properly vent ... ARGH!!! ... and as I type this I cant cry or anything ... you know why ... because there is a nurse here ... do you people understand ... does reading my journal help you understand ... I hate being me at times ... and look .... as I type that ... that stupid positive side of me says ... Gillian dont say that ... you have it easy compared to some people ... dont you watch the news .... I DO!!! but why cant I let myself be angry .... why cant I feel sad ... BAH!!!!!! Why do I constantly have to be crowded and yet feel so alone ... ARGH ... I want to just breakdown ... but the nurse is here ... and I could never cry infront of Jen ... I dont want to upset her ... I've never wanted her to get upset ... that's why I've always protected her ... from everyone ... even myself (aka getting upset infront of her) ...
***directed to the nurse*** GAH ... stop looking at me ... stop trying to figure out what I'm doing ... this small talk isn't fun ... you are a stranger in my house ... there are so many of you its not funny ... I like you ... you are one of the nice nurses ... but right now ... leave me alone ...
I can't take it ...
Nurses ... ah another thing that ticks me off ... Do you know how many strange people I have had in my house ... Neither do I ... and I hate it ... one after another ... and once I get to know them and warm up to the idea of having them here ... they leave ... they go to a new job where they make more ... you know when I was little that hurt me ... I felt like shit because everyone kept leaving me ... I'd let people in and ... KABOOM ....
*sigh* ... I'm going to go now ... go be depressed in the living room where there is food and tv ... and nobody for atleast 1/2hr ...

I just want to scream! I want to cry! I want to release! I don't want it to bottle up inside of me because we all know what happens then ... I have an attack ... and I lose control of myself ... I'm trying ... I'm trying to understand myself ... Question things from the past ... but everytime I feel so hurt ... and all those feelings from the past surface ... and just like then I try to contain them ... There is something that just won't let me cry about it ... Maybe it's because I remember the feelings I had when I was smaller ... how I wanted to escape it all ... How there were many times that I was right on the edge (literally) ...

And despite everything I have been saying, I am in a great mood. Today I plan on going out with Erin ... I might buy something ... You know how materialistic things can make a person feel better ... lol ... Ummm ... I also really want to watch *drum roll* Little Women ... I know I know ... the people that have been reading this blog for a long time know I watch that movie way too much ... but I cant help it ... I LOVE IT ... I love the soundtrack too ... *dreamy sigh* ...I wish I could go back in time for a week or so ... sit under a weeping willow having a picnic ... fly a kite ... go fishing off a tiny bridge that has a babbling brook run under it ... after all that I would then run back to the farm house where a horse and carriage would be waiting to take me to the annual county fair ...

he he he ... I'm in a strange mood today ... if only my mother would stop friggin yelling at me about ... well I don't even know what ...
She has become different ... angrier ... and I hate it ... her sister has seemed to rub her negativity off ... and I just despise it ... why cant people be happy ... why ....

I have a lot of things that I want to post and I know that I'll end up crying ... so yea ... I think I'll post after my shower ... *shrugs* .... Ah, the joys of owning my brain

A note for the elf in pink: I can't stop thinking about you
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After working at Walmart for four months ... I have gained a bit of muscle ... yes ... even more than before ... so I found some weights under the couch ... and have decided that I am going to work on my arms ... more so my lovely right arm ... lmao ... Y'all really don't need to know that ... but too late now ...

I've added 3 more folders of photos 1. The Cottage 2. Not sorted 3. Not sorted

Merry Christmas!!!

Why do I get depressed every Christmas? Leading up to it Im hyper and happy as hell and then it comes and I am depressed ... but by night time I am fine again ... *shrugs*
The day is half over ... only my aunt Judy, uncle Jim and Judy's sister and mother came to eat with gram, mom, Jen and I ... I hate this ... I want my family together ... and you can see grams wants that too ... there used to be so many of us ... the adult table and the children's table ... What happened? ... During dinner I had to list to my aunt Judy talk about Walmart, my uncle Jim bash gays and just some other piddly conversations that make me want to scream ... such ignorance ... AND THEN ... the discussion of living space came up ... *shakes head* ... Jim said Judy and him had no room for something like a christmas village ... despite they have 3 floors, 2 guest bedrooms and a bunch of other fancy shmancy stuff ... and it is only the two of them ... While my mother pointed out her, Jen and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment ... that Dar and Jackie were living with us for a couple months and that we also have nurses coming in and out ... *shakes head* ... why ... why can't they just all be happy ... not make idiotic comments and bicker ... some other things were said that hurt ... but whatever ...

THEN ... I looked at my sister ... with a big smile on her face ... bits of lunch on her bib that mom was taking off ... and her eyes wider than anything ... I love my sister ... and seeing her ... makes me happy ...

Oh yea ... I'm still on a high from last nights discussion with a certain somebody ... *dreamy sigh* ... I'm so happy right now

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHUBBA HUBBLA FUBA SHOOGBA LA BEE BO
I am soooo happy ... I'm such a nerd ... *dances around the room quietly as to not disturb Jen* ...

Interesting ... I'm feeling a lot more ... hmmm ... no ... I'm finding that lately I've been ... nope not that either ... Quite frankily I don't know what has been going on inside of myself ... Thoughts are flowing through my mind ... and lately they have made themselves known ... clear as a bell ... but when it comes time to reflect on all that I have "figured out" ... NOTHING ... air ... My mind goes silent ... I finally figure out some of my thoughts and I can't remember any of the conclusions I have come to
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Walmart has corrupted me ... my bubble has been burst ... and it has effected the areas of me I am known for ... My heart ... Am I becoming Scrooge??? ... The holiday shoppers are coming through ... and hardly any of them are cheery ... HEre all these years I thought that people became happier around Christmas ... but as it comes closer ... people become even more rude and ignorant each day ... and it's sticking with me ... Why now ... Why does it have to bug me now? ... I am the Christmas Queen ... I am the girl that loves Christmas ... that tracks Santa on Christmas Eve ... that sings Christmas carols, goes to every possible Christmas event, wears Christmas sweaters and a lovely Santa hat .... Why doesn't it feel the same? .... Hmmm ... Now I went from ranting about Walmart to ranting about something that I only have myself to look at ... I am growing ... While that doesn't mean the magic has to die ... it means ... I have to find new things ... ways of keeping this magic alive .... I also have to come to terms with some things ... *nods* ... wow ... I have to come to term with some things ... and I think ... I think I'm ready ... Just to let you all know ... I am crying right now ... I have figured something out ... right here infront of you ... WOW ...
*******************************************************
Santa has left Australia

Fate ... *falls over* ...
Can I flip ahead a few chapters so I know what's going to happen? Maybe avoid pain ... or embrace happiness .... I'm afraid .... but yet Im so friggin excited ... Hmmm ... I hope Im not ... umm ... whatever ...

You cant really tell but I have screwed around with my layout ... and instead of guestbook formatting ... you may now comment on each post seperately

Angela NEVER posts so I have removed her blog from the link page

Dear God,

I don't remember the last time I spoke to you ... I don't remember if I ever have. I don't even know what to say to you. I'm still trying to figure things out. I can't seem to define you, so I find it hard to believe. Obviously I am contradicting myself by writing to you. It feels nice ... writing to you. I'm still skeptical about you. I'm afraid of things. I shouldn't, but I am. Please bear with me for just a bit longer ...

Gillian Elizabeth Reid Barclay

I have tears swelling in my eyes ... I understand in my own way ... it's amazing to read somebody elses life ... and then to see a bit of yourself there on the page ... I can't help but cry because for that moment I don't feel so alone
I miss my old apartment ... Where I was the creepy person watching everyone in their apartments across from me ... Nothing sexual ... I just loved watching them live ... watching them go about their day ... unaware that they were being watched

The sky is so dark!!!! I wish it would just snow ... a blizzard would be nice ... Then maybe the snow would stick around for Christmas ... *giggles* ... Christmas is coming :)

I am so hooked ... what is wrong with me ... this isn't right ... I'm walking blind ... how can I be so carefree ... My heart is taking over ... nothing makes sense

My attention has been totally redirected ... the word fate has even been used ... *giggles* ...
Now my mind is racing with thoughts ...

I would just like to say ... that hopefully Elizabeth will allow me to add her to my links ... She is an amazing writer ... despite that it's past 1am and I am dead tired I have read 30 of her poems ... all of which are amazing ... the word choices are phenomenal ... and she paints pictures with words ... each poem is so beautiful that it becomes an addcition ... I find that I am craving to read more ... but my eyes aren't allowing me to stay up any longer ... so yea ... I only hope she lets me in to her world to see more of this beauty ... I might just make a seperate link thingy for what my friends write ... like Elizabeth, Emme, Ang ... people ... *shrugs*

I had another appointment on thursday and I am officially on Effexor. It seems to be working, I feel a lot happier ... and not so overwhelmed ... my thoughts are a bit clearer ... and I am realizing what a knob I have been ... I talk about discovery but anyone that has known me for a year could see how I reverted back to my old habits ... obsessing over everything from people to stupid things like making sure the fake snow in my village is perfect (EVERY DAY) ...
I'm starting to formulate opinions that I can actually spit out ... the intellectual conversations are piling up ... oh how I've missed my brain ...

Im crying ... I woke up ... looked out my window ... tons of people lined up at the church ... all ages and ethnicities ... today the church is giving out grocieries and toys to the poor ... and at 9 o clock there was already a line wrapping around the building ... I could hear kids playing and kids crying ... I see so many people standing there in the cold ... and then me sitting here in the warmth ... Im crying even more now ... over 4000 people are expected ... 13000 showed up in hamilton when a church did this ... 17000 IN JUST 2 CITIES IN OUR COUNTRY!!!! ... fuck ... can people not see that something is wrong ... something is wrong here in our own country ... LOOK OUT MY WINDOW!!!!!!!

i feel so ill

Wendy from Brock called me tonight ... I was freaking out before she did ... and at the beginning I was nervous ... but then I warmed up ... and didnt worry so much ... I mean there was a lot of me giggling and tripping over my words ... but nothing horrible ... Im so cute ... lmao ... anyways ... it's after1 so Im gonna go to bed

Why do I get turned on when I hear an orchestra playing the Charlie Brown Chrismtas theme

Bette Midler ... a 58 year old hottie ... *giggles* ... once again Im in a good mood ... I'm totally making more snowflakes today ... aswell as thinking of a dorky message for my answering machine ... last year I was the North Pole Secretary singing Santa Baby (lmao)

*twirls in circles* ... I feel so great right now ... I haven't been this happy in so long ... I want to sing ... but I think I would wake everyone in the apartment up with my wretched voice

Well A) none of the hers were at work last night ... but it looks like Sab had been there because her smock was on top of mine B) I did not scare the girl off after seeing her at the Niagara Symphony concert C) I met a girl that is in Brock Pride at work ... lol ... long story D) The Phantom is coming to theatre Dec 22 and I am already freaking out E) I am going to clean my room today and hopefully find my prescription F) The show AIRLINE KICKS ASS!!! They are actually showing something we have trouble with .... a little boy has cerebral palsy (CP) and they are trying to get him on the flight .... it's not easy because he cannot sit up on his own ... so they are trying to figure out how to go about seating him for take off and landing

Okay wait ... Im not happy just because Im sexy ... those two thoughts were what came out ... yea ... Im happy for many reasons ... lmao ... im a knob

*giggles* ... my god Im happy ... I am happy ... I AM SEXY TOO ... I was just told so ... *giggles* ... damn straight! ...

What makes you sexy? Am I? ...

After a few amazing days of discovery... I have hit a bump again ... which is of course my fault because of a miscalculation in medication and timing *shakes fist* damn Dar or Mom for losing my prescription right when I ran out of the starter kit ... also I had a fucking horrible day at work ... I actually had tears swelling in my eyes as I tried to speak with two department managers ... and the stupid little twirp darren continued to make my night a living hell ... I swear I was ready to boot his ass to china ... *giggles* ... Im sure I'd have made many other people happy ...
***********
Lately I have been speaking of people ... so as not to confuse people ... I like 3 or four different people ... two at work and one from the past ... *dreamy sigh* ... I've really missed these feelings *giggles* ... oh ... and I cannot wait to get that medication back inside of me ... YEA YEA YEA ... Gillian you don't need pills to make you happy ... bla bla bla ... FOLKS ... unfortunately I used to live in a dreamland where that was true ... but I have woken up to realize that I have an imbalance that needs to be kept under control ... the only thing is ... is that there are some parts of this disorder that I can keep under control ... so I am learning to do that
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I watched the little princess a minute ago and BAWLED ... "didn't your dad ever call you a little princess?" ... Every girl nomatter her age, what she looks like, how much money she has ... is a princess ... Oh I friggin cried a river... lmao ... I love moments like that ... where things seem so clear and simple ... but then ... then my stupid brain kicks in ... and KABOOM ...
Why is my brain so stimulated? ... apparently I am an intellect ... I just need to figure out how to harnass my thoughts ... anxiety disorders are good if you can control them and make them work for you ... *giggles* ... my paintings should be a proof of that ... I should sell them ... and turn myself into a multi million dollar artiste!!! ... mua ha ha ha ... wouldn't my family get a kick out of that ...

*dreamy sigh* she hugged me ... again ... *giggles* ... I am such a girl ...
I get to see another tomorrow
And I am finally through ... after typing my last thoughts I have finally moved on ... Look out world here I come!!! ... I looked at how I was holding on to something I felt I needed to live ... that if I gave up I would be lonely ... nobody would ever look at me again ... *giggles* ... well after I wrote my last post ... I went to the Symphony ... I watched the orhestra play ... and suddenly ... I felt like myself ... I felt free ... I wasnt tied down ... nor was I upset about being alone ... I had read a piece from a book and my god it's true ... I hurt myself ... I find excuses to feel anxiety ... well this is one chapter I have closed ... and already Im feeling better ... I'm actually liking this moving on thing ... I shouldn't say moving on... since in some cases I've kinda jumped back ... *giggles* ... but she's so cute ... shut up Kelly

You haven't said anything ... I guess I am dust ... history

Suddenly I am breaking out of my shell.
I have been a member of Brock Pride for 5 years. I used to show up at meetings and I am on their list serve but I hardly ever say anything.
Yesterday I spoke up and let people know I was there.
I have had a flood of people from the group add me to their msn lists.
I have found a girl that actually likes classical music (she also plays trumpet in an orchestra while at the same time loves lax and sports) and wanted to go with me tonight to see the Niagara Symphony. I was too chicken to go with her ... but she will be there tonight with a friend she conned in to going with her... and I hope on some off chance I get to meet her face to face.
It's so exciting though. Suddenly this new window has been open ... I don't mean that I want to date all of these girls ... I just mean that people that understand me on a different level are there for me. Now I have people that will go to gay bars or even pride ... and Im out to everyone including my aunt and everything ... so I have nothing to hide ... FRIG I FEEL GOOD ...
It's funny ... I feel like another certain friend of mine ... *cough* caitlin *cough*

THEY ARE LEAVING ... FINALLY ... ILL BE ABLE TO BREATH ... Mommy and I are going to see the Niagara Symphony tomorrow night ... I'm so excited! ... I have tomorrow off ... I will love tomorrow ... and then Sunday ... *giggles* I cant wait for Sunday ... despite that I will have to battle Christmas shoppers ... and stupid assholes cut back the hours because the store sales are down so much ... stupid fuckers ...

Suddenly the question .... Do you miss me pops into my head .... Do you? ... Want to kiss me? ... Miss my touch? Miss my voice? See somthing and have the memories flood back? Wonder if what you are doing is a lie? Are you right? ....
AND THEN
I wonder if she knows? The glances ... the smiles ... the chats ... it's all so familiar
THEN
Do you miss me?
AND THEN
I wont see her till Sunday ... that sucks ... I wonder ... hmmm ... she's never spoke of a man
THEN
I wonder if you think of me

YES EVERYONE I AM A FREAK

A letter ...



Basically I am too upset to actually say this outloud, I came in today to speak to you, but I can't even get up and walk to the door. I'm embrassed and ashamed. In some ways I wish I would have taken control earlier and handled things in a different matter. I know that I won't be coming back next semester becuse of my marks, but I also know that I really do love journalism. I know it doesn't seem like I do. Appearances can be decieving. I'm glad that I was accepted into this program, I only hope that I am able to come back and finish what I have started. So this is where I ask you the question that has been on my mind the past two weeks. The question that I have nearly asked you a million times, but have chickened out only to to cause myself to become even more upset. Is it possible to come back and redo my thrid semester and finish my second year starting next september? If so, do you know who I would contact to figure out how to arrange it?
The reason why I didn't put up a fight this week to stay in this course is because I want to have a semester off and unfortunately I knew in my mind that I could solidify that by failing. That nobody could talk me into going if I failed.
I want to be able to come in with a clear mind, not constantly being off because I am trying to figure out the correct dosage of what medication I should be taking. I could also use the extra bit of money I will be making from putting in for more hours at work and trying to get involved with other things, things that I don't have to make a strong commitment to because I am not ready yet. I don't want to board the bus every day fearing A) the people on the bus with me and B) fearing the amount of people I am going to come in contact with when I actually reach the school. I do not blame all of this on my disorder, medication or any certain events. I blame it on myself and just need some time to get a hang on myself. Despite I know that I can't fix everything that is bugging me.

*giggles* WOW ... I've posted a lot today ... *skips around* ...MAKE SURE TO READ THEM ALL ... AND POST

I was going through some of my old conversations. They are all saved on my computer so every so often I clean them out ... ANYWAYS ... I found this one where Erin was obsessed with the song The Dance by Garth Brooks ... My ex girlfriend, Elvia, told me to listen to it after she broke up with me ... and ... well ... It's true of many relationships or moments in life .... so yea ... read it ... but I suggest listening to it ... despite I know that not many people like country music ... lol ... STUPID ERIN SAYS SHE DOESNT LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC AND THEN LOVES IT ... *shakes fist*

THE DANCE

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Here I go again ... wait for it ... wait for it ... Here it comes ... I know I can do it ... Shubaflubahabstiontraficomorphontuna ... Nope I can't ... I want to type my thoughts but they aren't coming out ... instead a preasure builds in my head ... until I cant stand it ... and then one of my made up words spew from my mouth ... sounds like an intellectual orgasm ... LMAO ... ROTFLMAO ... I dont know why but that was pretty friggin funny ... Anyways ... It bugs me that I can't spit out my thoughts ... I'm thinking of sitting down one day and writing all the strange words I create ... then transforming them into the most kickass childrens story in the world ... or maybe a childrens story for adults ... hmmmm ... us elderly folk need some imagination stimulation ... maybe I can give some other people intellectual orgasms ... *giggles* ... Im sorry but that was to friggin funny to pass up ... My latest task is creating a photo illustration for my poem ... I sent my poem to a ton of different people and am waiting for the feedback ... so far I've got a lot of positive feedback ... I'm hoping to get a few more replies before I make changes ... I'm also thinking about creating a sequel ... after my post the other day ... rainbow glass ... hmmm ... might be my next poem ... HELL I might do a poem for a ton of different colors ... then make a book!!! MUAHA HA HA HA .... *shrugs* .... and in my childrens book I am using the names CLOUSE and ESSIE .... I dont know why ... but I cant get those names out of my head ... I think if I write about them ... they will leave my brain and live on the paper ... Im just babbling ... the afters effects of an intellectual orgasm ... LMAO ... oh shit ... Ill shut up ... I cant help it ... I feel ... free ... today I know that I cant come back next semester ... taht I will be free ... I will have time ... and when Dar and Jackie leave ... I will have piece ... I can sit in my house ... alone ... I can organize the way that I want to.
I WANT TO SCREAM ... FOR YOU I FEEL NO PAIN ... I JUST KEEP LOOKING IN .... AND YOU PUT MY HEART TO SHAME ... ITS SO FUNNY HOW ... YOU TRY TO STOP ... BUT STILL KEEP THINKING OF MEEEEEEEEE .... YOU ARE SUCH A SIGHT TO SEE .... la la la ... YOU SIT THERE TALKING ABOUT THE WORLD ... YOU TELL ME HOW THINGS WILL CHANGE ... HOLD ON NOW ... DONT TRY TO GO ... WHY CANT YOU JUST SAAAAY NOOOOOO ... OOOOO OOOO OOOOOO ..... STOP .... DONT YOU SEE THAT WERE NOT MEANT TO BE ... THAT YOUR JUST A FOOL ...DONT YOU KNOW THE RULE ... DONT GET CAUGHT .... DONT GET CAUGHT ... RUUUUUNNING AROUND ... SPINNING IN CIRCLES ... FALL TO THE GROUND ... YOU SMILE AND LAUGH ... BUT IT HURTS SOOOO MUCH ... NOBODY TO HELP YOU CAUSE THEIR BLIND ... THEY CANT SEE WHAT I SAW ... LA LA LA LA .... *BOWS* Dont I just sing beautifully ... lmao ... Im crazy ... Okay ... so now that I have bored you all ... I shall leave

Well, I did the unthinkable!!! What's that you ask ... simple ... I failed! ... Oh sure I could make a last struggle to keep myself in the course next semester. I dont want to though. I told my mother that I NEEDED next semester off and that I would return to my program in September. At first my mom said it was okay, so I let myself go. Why should I kill myself when Im coming back next year. Sure I'll show up and learn and take advantage of my resources ... but Im not going to fuss over my work ... and then ... my mother turns against me and hounds me day in and out about staying in school and yata yata yata ... I've already went through all of this is my head ... I've already fought my mind and came to this conclusion ... So anyways, I walk into school this morning and see a note posted on the board that our up to date marks were under the clock ... My stomach knotted for this was the moment of truth ... GUESS WHAT ... I have a 28 and a 40 ... Now please ... for any of you that know me ... does that sound like me? Does it sound like I am trying my hardest ... Do these marks state that I am okay ... NO!!! ... I am an 80's or 90's student ... dipping below those marks if I dislike the class ... I LOVE JOURNALISM ... I WILL RETURN ... PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!! ... my life is so hectic and my body and mind are changing so much ... I just need to give myself some time ... I will work ... I will clean ... I will sleep ... eat normally ... maybe get out to the gym ... JUST PLEASE LET ME DO THIS ... PLEASE!!!

Essie and Clouse ... *shrugs*

I have so many thoughts that I want to scribble down on paper, but I lack the patience to do so. I want scream at the top of my lungs the things that are pouring through me, in hopes that somebody will hear me and understand me. I am building my glass house again, but instead of pure blue it is a mixture of colors. Why glass? Because as a human my life and mind are fragile, as is glass. I am no different than the other people that walk this earth. I was not given super powers so that I could endure more or less pain of any type. I was not given a superior mind. Nor was I given anything else to make me unequal. I could pretend that I am stronger than what I really am, but I am fed up with pretending. So, I will continue to create my glass house. It will be beautiful and when the light hits it, it will act like a prism and reflect the many colors of the rainbow. When darkness falls, the colors will draw dim, only to be re-lit the next morning. It may not last forever, but I can rebuild and I can heal. I have plucked glass from my skin before and there are no shards left in my eyes. My tears can now fall freely and wash my body. Pain can be good at times, for how would we know happiness and comfort if we did not have pain.
Anyways, I have to go shower or something because my head hurts from the amount of activity. It feels good to think again.

I despise the word fag and or faggot ... I really hate them ... I noticed that at work I have heard the terms muttered quite a few times ... to the point I almost want to post a sign telling people to quit saying it ... and today I actually told Dar not to say it ... and ya know what she did ... continued to use it ... and then poke fun ... then she told me to get out of the room and go do something in mine ... I am hurt again

Im fine today

I want to die ... I cannot commit suicide though ... I dont have the guts to do it myself ... I want to die but not feel pain ... and I want to do it right ... I want to be dead ... not somehow miraculously just miss ... no I want to be dead ... none of you know ... none of you know the struggles I go through EVERYTIME I see a knife, a cord anything that could kill me ... guess what ... it's always there ... that thought that says I want to die ... or the voices that tell me I am no good ... I dont deserve what Ive got ...
The darkness is consuming me ... Christmas was one of my last lights in my life and I am losing that ... today I asked mum when we were leaving for the candlelight stroll ... and she said we arent going ... despite Ive been planning it all week ... none of you understand ... I started to cry and said ... I just want to decorate and be happy ... mom replied YOU WONT be happy ... and you know what ... I would ... I would put myself into this phase of artificial happiness ... CHristmas makes me happy ... Im not decorated and it is december ... ask anyone and they will tell you that that is scary .... I WANT TO BE HAPPY ... now even my mother is denying me that

Once again my mind is going crazy ... so many thoughts ... none of which are making any sense ... the one thing right now that is bugging me is not unfamiliar ... I don't understand why we are able to talk about things ... but not tell ourselves ... How some days I can be so positive ... help my friends with their depression ... and yet in two minutes I will be the one depressed ... for the same reasons ... I can list what is wrong ... I can even say what I need to do ... but I can't do it ... I don't seem to be able to tell myself ... Does that make sense ... I know that I am not the only one that feels this way ... I am witnessing other friends and loved ones doing the same thing ... giving a commentary on what is happening, what is wrong ... in some cases they even know what is going on in their mind ... yet they cant stop it ... like last week Caitlin (please dont kill me for using you as an example) helped me when I was going through a rough patch ... she told me to stay calm, things will be ok, ... you know the usual positive stuff ... and yet the next day she had an attack and couldn't grasp on to any of those thoughts ... Why do we know the cause but can't fix it ... grrrr it's so frusterating ... and what's frusterating me more is trying to put this all into words ... type ... especially when my mind is in a billion places at once ... Why must things be so complicated ... dont answer that ... I know the answer ... but I dont like it ... well ... I dont like it right now ... ask me on another day and I would like things to be complex ... I like feeling the wheels in my head turn ... but not today ... today my head just hurts ... it's working overtime ... and not getting any extra pay