I just want to scream! I want to cry! I want to release! I don't want it to bottle up inside of me because we all know what happens then ... I have an attack ... and I lose control of myself ... I'm trying ... I'm trying to understand myself ... Question things from the past ... but everytime I feel so hurt ... and all those feelings from the past surface ... and just like then I try to contain them ... There is something that just won't let me cry about it ... Maybe it's because I remember the feelings I had when I was smaller ... how I wanted to escape it all ... How there were many times that I was right on the edge (literally) ...

And despite everything I have been saying, I am in a great mood. Today I plan on going out with Erin ... I might buy something ... You know how materialistic things can make a person feel better ... lol ... Ummm ... I also really want to watch *drum roll* Little Women ... I know I know ... the people that have been reading this blog for a long time know I watch that movie way too much ... but I cant help it ... I LOVE IT ... I love the soundtrack too ... *dreamy sigh* ...I wish I could go back in time for a week or so ... sit under a weeping willow having a picnic ... fly a kite ... go fishing off a tiny bridge that has a babbling brook run under it ... after all that I would then run back to the farm house where a horse and carriage would be waiting to take me to the annual county fair ...

he he he ... I'm in a strange mood today ... if only my mother would stop friggin yelling at me about ... well I don't even know what ...
She has become different ... angrier ... and I hate it ... her sister has seemed to rub her negativity off ... and I just despise it ... why cant people be happy ... why ....