I want to die ... I cannot commit suicide though ... I dont have the guts to do it myself ... I want to die but not feel pain ... and I want to do it right ... I want to be dead ... not somehow miraculously just miss ... no I want to be dead ... none of you know ... none of you know the struggles I go through EVERYTIME I see a knife, a cord anything that could kill me ... guess what ... it's always there ... that thought that says I want to die ... or the voices that tell me I am no good ... I dont deserve what Ive got ...
The darkness is consuming me ... Christmas was one of my last lights in my life and I am losing that ... today I asked mum when we were leaving for the candlelight stroll ... and she said we arent going ... despite Ive been planning it all week ... none of you understand ... I started to cry and said ... I just want to decorate and be happy ... mom replied YOU WONT be happy ... and you know what ... I would ... I would put myself into this phase of artificial happiness ... CHristmas makes me happy ... Im not decorated and it is december ... ask anyone and they will tell you that that is scary .... I WANT TO BE HAPPY ... now even my mother is denying me that