Looks like I am spending the day at home ... of course I might walk up to the Fairview ... *shrugs* ... Erin went out with her parents ... Kelly went out with hers ... Joey is with Diana .... and I am here ... stuck in my stupid house ... feeling like crap because when I woke up this morning the stupidest thought ran through my head ... causing me to be depressed ... and then to make it worse ... when I asked my mother to wait for me ... she didn't and has left for the day ...
So what was the thought ... Well ... Simple ... My father didn't even call me this year for Christmas ... I know I get upset when he does and that he usually just stirs up trouble ... but it's still the fact that he didn't call his own daughter on Christmas ... It hurts ... He could have even sent a card ... but no ... Grrrrr ... Why ... Why does that make me upset ... why does that make me want to scream ... I hate this ... I hold so much anger deep within me ... and I dont know who or what it is directed at ... So I can't even properly vent ... ARGH!!! ... and as I type this I cant cry or anything ... you know why ... because there is a nurse here ... do you people understand ... does reading my journal help you understand ... I hate being me at times ... and look .... as I type that ... that stupid positive side of me says ... Gillian dont say that ... you have it easy compared to some people ... dont you watch the news .... I DO!!! but why cant I let myself be angry .... why cant I feel sad ... BAH!!!!!! Why do I constantly have to be crowded and yet feel so alone ... ARGH ... I want to just breakdown ... but the nurse is here ... and I could never cry infront of Jen ... I dont want to upset her ... I've never wanted her to get upset ... that's why I've always protected her ... from everyone ... even myself (aka getting upset infront of her) ...
***directed to the nurse*** GAH ... stop looking at me ... stop trying to figure out what I'm doing ... this small talk isn't fun ... you are a stranger in my house ... there are so many of you its not funny ... I like you ... you are one of the nice nurses ... but right now ... leave me alone ...
I can't take it ...
Nurses ... ah another thing that ticks me off ... Do you know how many strange people I have had in my house ... Neither do I ... and I hate it ... one after another ... and once I get to know them and warm up to the idea of having them here ... they leave ... they go to a new job where they make more ... you know when I was little that hurt me ... I felt like shit because everyone kept leaving me ... I'd let people in and ... KABOOM ....
*sigh* ... I'm going to go now ... go be depressed in the living room where there is food and tv ... and nobody for atleast 1/2hr ...