I'm really not sure what to post about, but I figure I should say something to prove that I am still alive.
SO many things are pouring through my brain these days and I absolutely love it!!!
I feel like I am growing but at the same time I feel so restricted. I wish I could just spread wings and fly free. Be free to go wherever I want. To have the ability to travel and not have to fear about my finances . But alas, I cannot. I live in the real world where we cannot be free, nor can we define what freedom is. We look to find answers and our eyes are filled with broken glass. We are left blind and fending for ourselves, with measly means of income and no natural resources. Even if we wanted to live like primitive people, we couldn't because A) we've been stained by 21st century ways of thinking and you can't de-evolve B) The world is becoming so urban, it'll be impossible to find a secluded area that isnt used for testing explosives or hiding dead bodies
*shrugs* ... anyways I'll post more later because I need to lay down

I wont be on the computer tonight because Jen is restless and WILL NOT go to sleep if I am in the room ... so please call
Also ... I want everyone to know I have the worst headache/beginning stages of a migraine

Can I just say that free running kicks ass!!!!!! Of course I can't do it, but I just watched a program all about it. These people are amazing (*giggles ... amazing idiots <<<<< last posts) they look like cats and spiders ... it's great!!!!! I wish I was thin and crazy ... then I'd do it ... run around jumping off of buildings ... oh yea baby!!! ....

Here is a dream that happened a few nights ago that I cant get out of my head ...

Okay ... well ... I was living on the other side of my building, facing the other apartment. I went out onto my balcony and looked up. A guy was going to jump off of the roof area of the 9th floor and his girlfriend was trying to stop him ... suddenly he let go ... this spotlight pointed to where he was ... and then the girl started to cry and she jumped ... then out of nowhere 5 more people fell ... I could hear them cry ... hear the bodies thud ... then I looked over and ... I cant really remember this part ... but there were people walking around through the bodies .. analyzing them

Today's rant about humans *drum roll*

IDIOTS!!!!!!! COMPLETE IDIOTS!!!!!!!
Oh yea .. we are supposedly smarter than any other living creature, but geez, in all actuality we are stupid and stuck up. I was watching a program about how they want to ban certain breeds of dogs.
Yeppers, I have many words to say about this. A) it's not always the dog's fault. It's the fucking owners half the time. Seriously!!!!!! B) Yea, we ... animals ourselves ... OWN other animals C) Racism towards animals ... that's what we will teach people!!! D) All dogs have a natural instinct to kill, so how dare we point fingers at certain species! E) AAAAAA People piss me off ...
F) I love being in moods like this ... what I say sparks other people to actually post back ... it makes them think and articulate thoughts ... MUA HA HA HA HA ...

WE ARE PATHETIC CREATURES!!!!!!!!!
We were given paradise and created a concrete hell! We sit up our porcelain thrones and turn our rivers and lakes into sewage systems, all the while pointing at one another calling eachother savages and commenting on eachothers flaws. Look at yourself before you point. Look at what you've done to contribute to our hell. We are so far gone we can't turn around. We have ruined our earth and are now looking to ruin other planets. We just can't do enough damage here, we have to send our own garbage to other planets (LITERALLY) ... Where did it start? Where could we have ended all of this? ... Our systems pumped full of drugs and yet we point at the drug addict and curse at him for his addiction. We bar up the thieves and let the evil rule oour countries. We know what we can do to save ourselves, but the suicide rate rises. Look at the room around you, look at your clothes ... and then think about the amount of people you could have helped with the money you spent on all of that. Sad isn't it? We have the potential to live in a paradise where there is clean water and air, enough food for everyone ... and a world where happiness roams free ... instead we decide to continue building concrete walls

I've got a lot of stuff going on in my head ... but I'm happy ... growing more ... and it's scary ... venturing into the world of the unknown

I feel like shit ... my mind is going ... not so good ... especially whne i've been drinking a bit .. I think I might just blog tomorrow ... cause yea ... not so much

Okay I seriously am confused and intrigued and excited and ... yea

I am addicted to an Eminem song ... what's with that? ... anyways ... it's called "LIke Toy Soldiers" ... take a listen and tell me what you think

Hello to all you people out in blog land ... I have a question for all you relationship buffs ...
Is it complicated to be your ex lovers friend? Did it feel strange when you hung around them when you broke up? How long did it take?
I know I know That was more than one question, but I can't help it. I realised a long time ago that my ex does not want to be with me, so I began to think of her as a friend ... like how we were when we first met. Of course she knows me better than many people and I love that about her because I feel I can go to her about anything ... right? Are there things that I shouldn't talk to her about? She is one of my closest friends, I see her and I think "Hey look it's Chantal" ... not "Hey look it's my ex" ... I'm confused. This is my first time ... so I don't know if I am handling this correctly. Aren't I supposed to revert back to being friends? Move on and realise that it wasn't meant to be ... cause holding on and feeling awkward would mean that there is something to feel awkward about ... *shrugs* ... ANYWAYS ... I will admit though if her boyfriend is around I will freak out ... but I think I have built up anger and what not towards him ... I just cant stand him ... he disgusts me ... and then ... I have this strange sense of pity for the guy ... *nods* ... so yea ... That is my blog for today .. PLEASE REPLY PEOPLE ... I WANT FEEDBACK ON THIS ONE

Anyways, I've been snapped out of my bad mood by somebody I love very much and I would like to thank them for that! Sweetie, you know who you are *cough* Chantal *cough*
Anyways, I bought a new keyboard and a new mouse. Although they dont match my computer I love them both .... *hugs new gizmos* ... and I bought new headphones ... all in all I blew $110 because I was in a bad mood ...

Im in a really bad place right now ...

I am absolutely furious right now!
Dar told me last week that she would take me to the auction today. The stupid bitch didn't take the car. She fucking did it purposely too. I was REALLY looking forward to this and the antique auction only happens once a month. ARGH ... I am fuming beyond belief ... I swear ...

*giggles* ... persistant little thing

Well, I won't be writing much because I can't sit up for long periods of time. I had an attack today. It struck out of the blue and made me feel so ill. I tried to control it but just threw myself into either hysteric crying or laughing. Anyways, call me if you like, I'll be up all night.

I watched the tv show Starting Over ... I liked it and learned a few things.
*5000 contradicting thoughts for my next sentence*
This may sound silly, but I want to work on making a breakthrough about why I react the way I do. I want to figure out why I chose the dark path, why I struggle to see the positives and am constantly fearful of the world. Sure some answers might be right there infront of me, but I don't see them. While I write this my mind is soaring. Telling me that I should just live the way I am, I seem to be able to handle things, it's not that bad. Well, apparently it is, because I have put life on hold for ... myself. Then the other part of my brain kicks in telling me that it could be worse. I kick myself for being so weak, for taking the easy route. There are so many people in this world that have anxiety disorders and clinical depression, I even know a few. They are going to school. They are handling things, although they do struggle at times. I'm no different than them. *brain*"yea you are you are a weak shit of a person"
I could be in school right now. I could be getting 80's and 90's. Preparing myself for a career. I have the ability to do that, and I know it.
I chose to wait. I chose to figure some things out and wait until I am ready to go back. Call it bullshit or what have you. I don't really need to justify anything. I am doing what I want and what I feel is right. I'm not taking a vacation by any means. In fact it's torture not being in school. Knowledge means everything to me and some of you out there know that. I may not be the brightest bulb, but I value everything I know. School is important to me. If I had the funds I would stay in school for the rest of my life. Take courses where I could travel. Experience and learn. This is not easy, but I have to do what I feel is right.

PS. Dawson's Creek is sad, but it's strange. In some way, this dorky little teenage drama really applies to my life. *shrugs*

****Warning to all that try to enter my life****

I am fragile on the inside.
While I appear to be calm and collected on the outside, the inside of me could be shattered. I won't tell you that, because I don't want to look weak or pathetic ... but I have a huge heart. I trust people and put too much hope into things right away, only to have it all fall apart. I have shed many tears ... and will shed many more.
I'm also very shy.
It takes me a while to warm up to people. Many people have hurt me because I am so trusting. I let them in and they tear me apart. So if you are let in ... please be careful.
I am afraid.
I am full of fear. I fear myself and everything around me. I try and try to tell everyone this but I don't think they believe me. Me fear paralyses me, some mornings I can't get out of my bed, I fear even opening my eyes. I have sat in my bed for a long time with my eyes closed fearing what I will see when I open them. I've told myself everything under the sun and I even know I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. I am especially afraid of being hurt .... Most importantly being hurt again ... I tread lightly ... and if I give you another chance ... you have to help me trust you ... you have to give me a little push ...

Anyways, now that you know what you can do for me .... What can I do for you?

I added my poetry from allpoetry.com to the second part of the website

My head hurts SOOOO much. I wish it would shut up!!!
I'm in such a great mood, but I can't keep up with my thoughts ... Im so tired but I can't sleep ... I can't stop watching stupid animal shows, the news and documentaries ... INFORMATION OVERLOAD!!!

Work was so friggin funny tonight.
I felt really overtired and was hyper as hell, so Eilleen came over and we cleaned the deodorant wall ... we talked and talked ... I had so many brain lapses because I was dizzy and tired, but it was fun. At the end of the night Kelly and I acted like asses during the evening meeting, so the duty manager (PINHEAD) kept bugging her. I think he was flirting with her. Then when we were leaving he got on the PA and told her she had to write an essay about the meeting. She started laughing and then we made fun of eachother up the stairs.
I swear I love the people at work. I have so much fun ... I'm really coming out of my shell. I seem like a different person, which could be either good or bad *giggles*.
lmao ... of and Lorrie and I were making fun of eachother. We blamed our stupidity on the tsunami ... well plate tectonics. We said that the constant earth vibrations are throwing our minds off. *giggles* then we decided to sing along with the radio and dance around like idiots. She's so funny. Lorrie and this group of older women all go out to different events. Sue from cosmetics goes out too and I love hearing the stories of how the old gals had a ball. I swear I wanna be like that when I get older

PS. for anyone needing a lint brush 2 aisles left of McDonalds .... LMAO

I've been having trouble sleeping tonight ... but it looks like I'm not the only one ...http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/WebCams/ ... There is this cute elephant that has been roaming around all night ... and I think he was even yawning ... Other than that all the other animals seemed to be asleep

I had a good day today, did a few errands with Dar and then we went for a QUICK walk in NOTL. I was pissed that we didn't walk for very long, but what can you do when you've got a grump ass (Jackie) with you. Sometimes I dont know which is worse ... Jackie or her mother.
Anyways it's gram's birthday so Im going down there for cake and then coming back up here. I'm hoping somebody will want to go for a walk ... despite the weather. I just really want to be outside and if nobody will walk with me ... I'll just load my mp3 up and sit on my balcony ...

Hmmm ... working at a call center with Joey and Chantal ... Now THAT could be dangerous

I've started a new relief painting ... I was hit with this fantastic idea ... and immediately hauled out a piece of board and went to work ... I've relaized this is my last piece of canvas ... so I have to pick up some more at the dollar store .... I think I'm going to move to Ireland or Scotland and set up an art studio and shop .... I swear this is what I love .... turning on my music and painting the images I see ... I'm currently listening to the song "Brick" nevermind "As if" just came on *giggles*
Anyways, if any of you are free tonight call me up ... and Linz (or Nimi) I can go on Friday night but it'll have to be after work (10:30pm)

Wowzers! *ducks and covers*
There is some serious fighting going on at my place. I fall asleep watching Finding Nemo and wake up to my cousin and aunt fighting. Dar wants Jackie to go to a doctor about her eating disorder, but Jackie is ver reluctant ... so Dar began yelling at her about how she should have "dropped her a long time ago" because she "can't continue paying medical bills". Of course I wasn't asleep at this point but I was trying to pretend like I was really groggy because Jackie was getting upset that I was hearing this. She didn't think I knew (or noticed) her eating disorder and also didn't want them to be talking about everything infront of me. Little does she know I have a brain and can figure everything out for myself (and then some). I didn't know what to do, so I slowly pretended to wake up and sit in the chair ... then Magda (Polish nurse) called and needed something, saved by the phone!!!!
I don't know what to do. I'm trying to spend more time with Jackie, but it's really hard. I have to guess at what her mood will be like and then I have to watch what I say. I want to help her ... despite all my complaining about them and the way they treat me ... they are my family. My flesh and my blood ... I want to help them ... but I don't know how. Sometimes I just want to scream, I want to release everything that I'm thinking. That would be too harsh though! So I keep my mouth shut. I try to defend Jackie at times when her mother goes nuts and I try to calm Jackie down and point out she asks for too much from her mother ... but they are like bombs ...
After today I'm afraid to be home tonight because I know there will be a lot of yelling ... and they are going to be up here for a few hours while mom attends a union meeting. So if anyone is free and wants to go to a movie or SOMETHING (atleast until 10) ... I am absolutely desperate to get out of here ... It may do them some good to have time alone to talk to eachother. Well I should say yell ... because they can never just discuss something.
Anyways, I have to go now and clear my history because I'm afraid that one of them will come up here wanting to use the computer

This is the longest I haven't posted in awhile. I'm really not sure what to post about. I haven't done much lately, I don't think anything could top the snow duck (lmao). I went to see my great-grandmother the other day. Before grams and I headed up to Welland we stopped off at the floral shop. I helped grams in because it was like a big sheet of ice. Later I found out grams feels ancient when I hold on to her arm to help her around, but she's happy that I take care of her. It felt nice hearing her say that. ANYWAYS. We bought 18 roses 3 different colors mixed together with baby's breath .... beautiful arrangement. The man was a very dear fellow, he spoke very kindly to my grandma and was interested in hearing about her mother. Then he went to the back room and pulled out 12 red roses. Such a deep red ... they looked stunning. He said they only had another day or two and instead of throwing them out, he would like us to have them. My grams looked so happy ... I just wanted to hug him. We left the flower shop and headed up to great-grams. Grammy let me turn on the radio and a sang along to a few songs. She commented on my voice and talked about when I was smaller and in the church choir. How everyone thought I had the voice of an angel. I find that rather funny because I don't like my voice .... Then we arrived. I watched her walk ahead and I carried in the flowers. Sitting all wrapped in a blanket and eating a turkey sandwich was great-grandma and in the other chair was her daughter Vada. Great-grams needs somebody in the house to watch her and a few of the kids take turns .... It started off with the usual "how is everyone" and leaded into the ever familiar complaining about then knees and legs. Great-grams does it everytime. This time it is different, she lifted her nighty to reveal one small leg and one swollen red leg. The poor thing has a blood clot but doesn't know it. Oh she's been into the hospital and she is on medication but nobody wants to tell her what it is because 65 years ago, one of her sisters died of a blood clot and she has been terrified ever since. She has an amazing memory too It was interesting ... they all had such a different view on things than me. The hot topic between them was foreigners ... I stayed out of most of the discussion ... why bother ... they are old and their views haven't changed ... so how could they understand what I had to say ... lol

I would love to recieve a single flower ... Wouldn't you love to have somebody send you a single flower? I would love to get a Gerbera ... I remember that Chantal had placed a pink one in her room just for me. I was really touched ... Now if only somebody would have one delivered to me on a whim ... *giggles* ... I'm in a dreamy mood tonight ... Can you tell? ... I wish I could stay in this mood ... I love it ... I stared at the sky for a long time ... just thinking about things ... and then watched the people exiting the church ... how they bustled about ...
I'm becomign addcited to the documentary channel. We have it for free for a month and I am definately going to take advantage. The other day I watched Big Mama ... a story of a 89-year-old woman trying to get custody of a 9-year-old grandson ... Such a sad story ... the father died when the boy was 4 and the mother did drugs and left after he was born ... the child had a disorder and was hard to control ... but he worsened when the grandmother had a heart attack ... after that he burnt down the house accidently ... and he was later admitted to a psychiatric hospital and it just tells this entire story ... mind you the documentary ended abruptly ... OH WELL ... today I watched a few minutes of a sotry about two nomadic brothers fighting the cold to reach a musician ... they needed her to come to their ranch to save a baby camel ... the mother camel was rejecting it ... so they needed the musician to save it. Yea ... Anyways .. Im rambling ...

I just had a very interesting discussion that I really want to finish ... lol ... now my mind is racing ... oh shit I left my movie paused ...

One last post ... I feel a lot better after getting that off my chest

Don't read if you dont want to hear a depressing rant

1) Sometimes I really despise myself. I look in the mirror and I see an ugly excuse of a human being. I wonder why I'm still alive. I think, how could anyone find me attractive? ... and quickly answer myself ... Nobody does. Not just my outside but my inside aswell. Who could ever be attracted to somebody that is so fucked up? Happy one minute and depressed the next ... how could anyone deal with that ... want to deal with that ... Would any of you ever date me?
Then there are days where I think I'm cute and attractive. I dress myself up and feel great.
Why can't I always feel good about myself?
I shouldn't blame my past and other people, but I do ... aswell as myself ...
School was hell ... I was always the tall chunky girl ... the one that, usually, people would fear ... but I dressed to the nines in Disney outfits so I stuck out like a sore thumb. They targeted me and had fun picking on me ... I just learned to deal with it, which meant pushing it into the back of my mind. UNTIL gr 6 ... when I walked into the girls changeroom ... to find some skinny bitch walking around the room in my pants ... one leg of my pants to be specific. She was saying how fat I was and how I'd be alone forever ... I cried that night.
Gr 7 I moved to the north end, which was a BIG move. The kids at that school really went after me about everything. Stole my lunch money, pushed me and called me names ... I was walking to my taxi after school one day ... and a girl called me a fucking fat tub of lard ... Scarred ... I am scarred .... those words etched into my mind .... I remember those girls circling me and throwing out insult after insult ... ha ha ha ... but I didnt cry ... I took it ...
Just like I took my father ... cussing at me about what a bitch I was and how I was so fat ... those years gr6-9 were the worst ... actually ... grds 5-11 WORST 6 YEARS ... I found out my father did drugs ... that we were poor ... I was submerged into my aunts way of living (like I used to be every summer) ... I watched my sister get admitted with an illness that the nurses had never seen .... I saw my mother have seizure after seizure ... and all the while those children and whoever else had an angry spell would tell me what an ass I was ... made me feel worthless ... and I took it ... I swallowed all of their words .... I believed them ... I watched my family collapse around me ... 2 cousins trying to commit suicide (one losing his legs) ... I watched divorces and seperations ... I saw people that I thought were solid all break apart ... and Im still watching it ...
None of them have looked at me and said I was beautiful ... that they are proud of me ... NO ... They all tell me I dont know anything ... Dar and Jackie tell me I dont understand what they've been through .. FUCK!!!!!!! I lived with them every summer ... those stupid asses ... I'm so angry at them ... I tried to help them ... I tried to make him lose energy by "play fighting" ... I was the strong one that weighed a lot ... so I could take him on .... and I stayed quiet about it ... I didn't tell the world what he did ... I never once complained .. I just took it ... I don't understand what they went through ... HE HIT ME ... that's right everyone ... He hit me a couple of times ... threw a few things at me too ... he was drunk then ... when he was sober he could be nice .... Dar knew of 2 or 3 incidents when he threw stuff at me .... ANYWAYS ... I apparently dont fucking understand ... guess what ... when I left their house ... I went home ...
(Now do note I was happy and things werent always bad ... but there were times ... and for a while everything grouped up ... which lead into mom throwing dad out)
Home to my family ... the one that was so strained ... dad was on drugs ... heavy .. he sold everything ... EVERYTHING ... including my stuff ... Movies were a big thing ... that's why I can never remember what I own and dont own .... Mom was having seizures ... later we found out her blood was poisoned because of the amount of anti depressants and what not the doctor put her one ... Finally ... Jen ... you all know ... she frail ... I love her more than anything ... to see her ill in that hospital .. fighting for her life is something nobody should have to witness ... nobody should have to see their sibling go through that .. I've seen it many times ... and it doesnt make it easier ....
How does this all tie in to me hating myself??? Simple ... I hate that I never dealt with this ... that I never was able to yell ... to say this all outloud and be angry or cry .... that while it was happening everyone told me I was useless ... that they tried and tried to knock me down .... dad succeeded .. you all know that story ... FUCK ... All I wanted ... All I wanted was respect ... but I didnt get it ... instead people attacked my looks ... suddenly it didn't matter that I could deal with all this and stand up after all this ... instead they attacked my looks ... and that was it ... they killed my outlook on myself ...
Over the years I have repaired myself a bit ... but I have down moments and lately ... with everything going on ... it's hard to always stay positive

*takes a deep breathe* ... I think I am done venting ...

Do I hope for too much?

I went to Happy Rolphs to feed the geese as always ... it was fun ... they are seriously fussy ... they would rather eat bread over proper pellets ... of course they ate both in the end ... but the bread went quicker ... ANYWAYS
Mom and I decided to go look at the water ... at the same time we started rolling balls to make a snowman .... I being the loser ... took mine and rolled it down a steep hill at my mother ... I must say it was pretty damn funny .... So yea ... I took the balls and stacked them on the bridge ( goodness knows my snowman had to be the center of attention) .... then I began to even it out .... which turned into me creating the, what is usually, the middle ball .... into a body of a duck ... I sculpted wings and a feathery chest ... then mom made a ball for the head ... but decided she'd sit in the car while I finished my masterpiece ... so for another 20 minutes I sculpted a lovely head for my snow-duck ... and used pebbles from the lake for eyes and carefully added some snow and formed it into a beak.... I tried to carve GB into the very bottom ball ... but I did it quickly so nobody will be able to tell ... So yea ... if you go to Happy Rolphs there is a (approx) 5'7" duck .... LMAO ... created by me ... the corny knob of a person
But I will say I feel a lot better than what I have been ... I knew I just had to see my babies

DREAM1: I was visiting a mall in the states and some chick (I think I knew her .. it looked like Nadia from work) asked me to watch the store. Things were going well and I was answering whatever questions I could ... but then there were all these questions I didn't know, and I explained I'm only watching the store, the clerk will be back in 15 minutes. Then a crowd appeared around the cash register. Some girl asked me if a handbag she picked up was $10.50 ... it didn't have a tag and I thought it was on this $10.50 rack ... so I said yes ... the store was full and I couldn't move ... I was freaking out wondering when is she coming back. Then some guy came, the store manager, and rang everyone through. He yelled at me about the handbag because it really costed $65 but he had to honor what I said, he was flipping out about the girl leaving and saying that I was such an idiot that I couldn't do simple tasks like answer questions and cash people out

DREAM2: in the wall I just hung up 9 pictures (with thumb tacks) there were holes forming. Ginormous holes where each tack was. The pictures began to fall and then the wall seemed to bubble up. It was so strange. Then chunks would fall out of the wall, to the point I could see wooden beams. I was crying so hard because I was sooooo afraid of what my mother was going to say, I was absolutely terrified. She came in ... and then I woke up. I'm sure I got told ... lol

DREAM3(it's sketchy in my memory): Christmas dinner at a new house, apartment I should say. It was beautiful old brick and the rooms had high ceilings. My mother did my rooms in purple suede and then there were bunches of fabric on the wall that looked amazing. We could hear a band outside so we climbed out (10floors up) onto the window ledge and listened to the music. I saw a friend down below and she waved and I waved back ... THEN ... I started to pannick, I had realized how high up I was and I just flipped. So we were going inside and some crazy guy with long hair followed as if he was going to steal something or come after us ... so I picked up a sword and faught him off ... then he was some nerdy guy and sat down while mom and I prepared dinner (he then vanished). So mom and I set the table and everyone came ...I cant remember everything that happened. I know a family member from dad's side was there ... ummm ... oh well ... then I went outside on the balcony ... when I came in there was this huge wardrobe full of the most beautiful toys ... the apartment owners gave it to us ... and there was a bear that said to tell it my wishes and they would come true ... it was strange cause I know I said something thn woke up

6:55am ... I just woke up breathing awkwardly and now I'm crying ... I hate this ... I hate being this way ... I'm doing my breathing exercises but it isn't helping ... maybe I'll feel better later on then ... all I needed was a good cry or something ... I can hope
Somebody save me from myself! Here I thought I was doing so well ... I had myself so happy ... Oh well, there will always be setbacks ... and this IS a part of me ...

3:30 am ... and I cannot sleep!
Work was fun ... I hung around with Kelly for most of the day ... but got a lot of odd jobs done ... which is strange because I seriously talked the entire day ...
I've had a cloud hanging over me lately ... but the storm hasn't hit ... So I'm hoping I'll be okay. Tomorrow I think we are going to feed the ducks ... so maybe that will help ... I really want Andy to come with me one time ... Feeding ducks sounds really corny ... but it's fun! ... Plus I think I'd like having her there, experiencing something I love so much ... I've taken people to Happy Rolph's before ... but this entire hand feeding the geese is new ... especially since the geese know me now (SHUT UP ... let me pretend like they aren't coming to me just because I have food for them) ... ANYWAYS ...
I feel like crap and Im going to bed ... BAH ... I know it doesnt help to whine ... and that I sound like a baby ... and that other people d.... you know what I'll just shut up ... lol
*NOTE* I want to see the choir girl with braids

Andy I really wish you were home right now ...

Within the next year my mother will lose her job ... The hospital is closing and her department will probably be closing within 5 months because they are closing the in patients first ... and that is the financial section my mother does ... over 20 years she has worked for them ... and they cannot promise her anything ... seniority doesn't count ... everyone is scrambling ...
When will my family get a break? Have we not gone through enough? What do we have to do to deserve a break? Seriously!!!! I don't know how much more we can take ... we have been literally battered and bruised .... I've seen a lot of things that I can't wipe out of my mind ... permanent tattoos in my brain ... we've been beaten so low and have had so much ripped away from us ... now ... the small bit of money we survive on is going to be taken away too ... I don't get it ... I really dont

Why do I let my father bug me so much? Why can't I just move on? Accept that he's an asshole and that I shouldn't put up with him? ... Why do I act like maybe he'll change ... maybe I'll be able to stomach seeing him ... that when I talk to him he won't bring up stupid things from the past ... blame my mother for everything ... That I wont have a listof things that I have to memorize ... you know what I can and cannot say to him ... I wish last time I would have had Robert down on the list ... that was one of the worst days of my life ... Trying to tell him what happened ... that his nephew no longer had legs ... He nearly cried ... He didn't know ... He didn't know that I was in Journalism ... he doesn't know that Im gay ... he doesn't know anything about me anymore ... BAH ... wouldn't that hurt you ... wouldnt you want to know about your child .... keep them safe ... make their life better ... *sigh* .. whatever ... that's my outburst for today

Despite being bored out of my mind for most of the night ... my night ... was fabulous!!!
I was fed compliments and I actually accepted them. I didn't dismiss them like I used to ... Is our little Gillian beginning to accept herself? I think so!
Today I hung up pictures and cleaned my room a bit. I need to get a hammer from grams to hang up 4 or 5 more pictures. My room is starting to look better. It feels like I can call it my room and be comfy in it. My next paycheck I have to buy a shelf thingy to organize my sisters shit ...
************************************************************************************
I suddenly feel really depressed! I just saw something on the tv that reminded me of my jackass father ... Im still not over him not calling me for Christmas

My sister is pissing me off because she won't sleep ... grrrrr ... she's been so friggin hyper lately ... and that isn't good for her ... She needs her sleep!!! ...
*Giggles* ... I have to admit though ... I've had a lot of fun having her up here all week ... laughing and acting up all night ... This evening I layed in the bed with her and we watch Wheel Of Fortune ... one of her favorite shows ... When she was smaller the opening to WOF was her signal that it was time for bed .... Tonight she just giggled through the entire thing and beat the shit out of me ... I swear she should be a boxer ... Anyways, Im going to go watch some tv or something ... maybe do some writing ... *shrugs*

You know ... I hate being so afraid ... so nervous ... how I hold myself back

She looked ... I can't describe it ... her eyes twinkling and the corners of her mouth turned up ... I hopped into the car and ... BOOM ... I froze yet again ... what the hell is wrong with me? Most of you know how I am ... loud and hyper ... or quiet and serious ... but when I'm with her I'm just quiet and bland ... I listen to myself as I talk and wonder what the hell I'm trying to say ... half of it comes out in a jumble, I trip over my words and feel like such an idiot ... probably sound like one too
She's beautiful and smart ... oh how I love listening to her talk about anything and everything. Her voice is unique and I adore it! ... I just want to hold her when I'm there ... but we sit in seperate chairs away from eachother ... I've thought about asking her to come sit beside me ... but the words don't come out ... Instead I sit there silent ... looking for something to stare at because I know if I look at her ... if I look at her I'll lose myself in her eyes ... those green eyes that just take my breath away ... and I'm afraid of that ... It hurts to hold yourself back ... pushing away your feelings ... I don't want to scare her away ... so try not to pressure her ... *giggles* ... When I got out of the car today ... Her eyes were bright ... and the smile that was spread across her face was too cute ... I just wanted to kiss her ... but not just on the cheek ... hmmmm .... maybe I could have kissed her and said "oops, I missed" ... but that would have definately scared her off .. ha ha ha ... It would scare anyone off .... Here I go making fun of myself ... such a great defense mechanism ... ANYWAYS ... I am totally head over heals for her ... and I think I have frightened myself ... I hardly know her ... but I really like her ... I don't want to get hurt ... and we all know I'm good at putting myself in situations where that occurs ... but ... but ... *dreamy sigh* .... She's so wonderful ....
What do you all think of my little position?

Okay Okay
I'm done acting like a moronic teenager, despite that's what I am. Yes everyone I am a moron, you probably all knew that already, but now that I've admitted to it ... it's official!
I seriously lack intelligence. Sometimes I wish I was book smart ... not living life smart. I know I know ... nobody really knows that much and bla bla bla ... but seriously ... I think Im going to subject myself to numerous documentaries and books on tape. I wish ... oh how I wish my eyes weren't so fucked up ... that I could read without getting a migraine. Oh sure I could read 4 or 5 pages a night ... but come on ... it would take me like 36 days to read The Indian In The Cupboard ... 65 days to read Human Amusements ... and god knows how long to get through the numerous books Angela has listed for me ... I want to read ... I want to know everything ... Knowledge is so friggin important to me ... I mean ... I get fed up with people that are totally idiotic ... that dont have any respect for the world around them ... instead they live in their little bubbles (says the girl that likes living in a bubble ... I'm "such a conflict") ... Whatever ... I probably sound like a dork right now ... so I'll shut up ...

Well I went for a drive around Port Dalhousie, mom didn't want to go to NOTL because of the storm warnings ... the drive didn't help me one single bit ... I still feel like crap ... even more so than before ... my spirits keep sinking and there is nobody and when I'm like this I can't help myself ... I like being able to post about the way I feel though, because I like looking back and trying to draw a conclusion to why I do the things I do ... Anyways ... I'm poor again after buying those movies, lending my mother $60 and paying for all that stuff New Years Eve . I was Excited to think I had a $100 until I realized that ... Oh well ... I don't really need it for anything ... Im going to go paint ... or something ... I just dont feel like sitting up in this chair anymore

I think I may ask mom to take me to Niagara-on-the-Lake tonight ... that's the place I go whenever I'm upset ... I might walk through one of the cemeteries or down a couple of streets ...
That is unless anyone calls me up ... but I'm guessing not because everyone is so busy ... Whatever happened to the days when I was busy ... when mom and Dar would constantly be taking me out ... or my girls called me everyday to run errands and what not ... *shakes fist* ... I hate feeling like this ...

I didn't sleep very much last night. I believe I finally went to bed at 6am. I had so many thoughts swimming through my head, I don't know why my brain was so active ... but it was.
I don't really like nights like that, especially since my thoughts weren't all that positive ... I wake up feeling depressed and am usually near tears ... Then I realize that I don't have anybody to call ... I used to be able to call Joey and Erin and they'd whisk me away for a day of watching movies and playing board games. It was the perfect remedy ... but Joey is at work and Erin is in Sudbury ... My mother took the car otherwise I think I might have stooped as low as to ask Dar to take me out ... You know I'm pretty down when I ask her to do anything for me ... Anyways, I think I'll just end up writing or painting

... I miss the summer on days like today ...

Somebody please rescue me ... ride up on your white steed and whisk me away ... away from my own self

Swiss Chalet forgot about me for a long time, so my meal was free ... I feel bad when that happens ...
Joey got his new car and we drove around for a bit. We went to future shop where I picked up "Lost and Delerious" for eight bucks ... and then we went to Cinema 1 at the Pen where I bought ... *drum roll* ... "Tipping the Velvet" ... Yes my friends ... I bought the movie that I have fallen in love with ... the girl at the store knew right where it was too ... then smiled at me because I got so excited that they actually had it (Im a knob) ...
I was going to write more but Im going to leave for now because my sister is up here and I dont want my typing to wake her up

*sings* It's only human nature after all ... *giggles*

Waiting for A) my food to arrive ... and B) Joey

I am in such an amazing mood today, despite being bored out of my mind.
Dar and Jackie have gone to the doctors and are going to head to the Pen afterwards. They asked if I wanted to go, but I don't want to be around them today ... this will sound bad ... but Im afraid they would wreck my good mood.
Anyways, I hung out with Andy last night. It was nice to be able to talk with her face to face, despite I was shy for the first bit ... then as usual I began to warm up. We watched Monster and Little Women ... I cried during both (Im such a knob). I was so flipping excited when she said we could watch Little Women ... I've been dying to watch it for weeks now ... and then watching it with her ... GREATNESS! ... I also got to meet her little Hamster, Nicky. Such a cute little fellow. I loved watching him scurry around and occasionally stretch his little legs ... all in all an amazing night!
Well, I am going to go shower or something ... I work tonight at 6:30 ... I'm guessing it will be another slow night ... I think Im going to apply for another job ... either balance 2 or find something full time ... Oh hell ... I don't know what Im going to do ... Anybody know a good place to hide away from the world?

*jumps in the air* ... :)

Happy New Year everyone!

Sorry I haven't been posting but I've been busy.
New Years was GREAT. I went out with 9 other people to the Four Points Sheridan and spent the night getting drunk and ... well ... having fun. Megan, Amanda, Colin, Mac, Maryann, Nimisha, Lindsay, Greg, Christina and Myself all chipped in and got 2 rooms for the night. We each brought our own booze and a few of us went for a swim before EVERYONE got there. When everyone FINALLY arrived we talked for a couple hours then played some messed up drinking game. LMAO ... For the first time I was drunk ... and it was fun! Nimisha was friggin plastered out of her mind ... which made for some great photos and memories. "You're beautiful. If I was a lesbian I would date you. But Im not. But I would if I was!!!" Nimisha said as she proceeded to mold my face like playdough ... GOOD times ... I think my shining moment was when I was trying to find batteries for my camera for 15 minutes ... when Colin pointed out I dropped them on the floor ... and of course I went to pick them up and did a lovely nose dive off of the couch (*holds up sign* 9.7)