Don't read if you dont want to hear a depressing rant

1) Sometimes I really despise myself. I look in the mirror and I see an ugly excuse of a human being. I wonder why I'm still alive. I think, how could anyone find me attractive? ... and quickly answer myself ... Nobody does. Not just my outside but my inside aswell. Who could ever be attracted to somebody that is so fucked up? Happy one minute and depressed the next ... how could anyone deal with that ... want to deal with that ... Would any of you ever date me?
Then there are days where I think I'm cute and attractive. I dress myself up and feel great.
Why can't I always feel good about myself?
I shouldn't blame my past and other people, but I do ... aswell as myself ...
School was hell ... I was always the tall chunky girl ... the one that, usually, people would fear ... but I dressed to the nines in Disney outfits so I stuck out like a sore thumb. They targeted me and had fun picking on me ... I just learned to deal with it, which meant pushing it into the back of my mind. UNTIL gr 6 ... when I walked into the girls changeroom ... to find some skinny bitch walking around the room in my pants ... one leg of my pants to be specific. She was saying how fat I was and how I'd be alone forever ... I cried that night.
Gr 7 I moved to the north end, which was a BIG move. The kids at that school really went after me about everything. Stole my lunch money, pushed me and called me names ... I was walking to my taxi after school one day ... and a girl called me a fucking fat tub of lard ... Scarred ... I am scarred .... those words etched into my mind .... I remember those girls circling me and throwing out insult after insult ... ha ha ha ... but I didnt cry ... I took it ...
Just like I took my father ... cussing at me about what a bitch I was and how I was so fat ... those years gr6-9 were the worst ... actually ... grds 5-11 WORST 6 YEARS ... I found out my father did drugs ... that we were poor ... I was submerged into my aunts way of living (like I used to be every summer) ... I watched my sister get admitted with an illness that the nurses had never seen .... I saw my mother have seizure after seizure ... and all the while those children and whoever else had an angry spell would tell me what an ass I was ... made me feel worthless ... and I took it ... I swallowed all of their words .... I believed them ... I watched my family collapse around me ... 2 cousins trying to commit suicide (one losing his legs) ... I watched divorces and seperations ... I saw people that I thought were solid all break apart ... and Im still watching it ...
None of them have looked at me and said I was beautiful ... that they are proud of me ... NO ... They all tell me I dont know anything ... Dar and Jackie tell me I dont understand what they've been through .. FUCK!!!!!!! I lived with them every summer ... those stupid asses ... I'm so angry at them ... I tried to help them ... I tried to make him lose energy by "play fighting" ... I was the strong one that weighed a lot ... so I could take him on .... and I stayed quiet about it ... I didn't tell the world what he did ... I never once complained .. I just took it ... I don't understand what they went through ... HE HIT ME ... that's right everyone ... He hit me a couple of times ... threw a few things at me too ... he was drunk then ... when he was sober he could be nice .... Dar knew of 2 or 3 incidents when he threw stuff at me .... ANYWAYS ... I apparently dont fucking understand ... guess what ... when I left their house ... I went home ...
(Now do note I was happy and things werent always bad ... but there were times ... and for a while everything grouped up ... which lead into mom throwing dad out)
Home to my family ... the one that was so strained ... dad was on drugs ... heavy .. he sold everything ... EVERYTHING ... including my stuff ... Movies were a big thing ... that's why I can never remember what I own and dont own .... Mom was having seizures ... later we found out her blood was poisoned because of the amount of anti depressants and what not the doctor put her one ... Finally ... Jen ... you all know ... she frail ... I love her more than anything ... to see her ill in that hospital .. fighting for her life is something nobody should have to witness ... nobody should have to see their sibling go through that .. I've seen it many times ... and it doesnt make it easier ....
How does this all tie in to me hating myself??? Simple ... I hate that I never dealt with this ... that I never was able to yell ... to say this all outloud and be angry or cry .... that while it was happening everyone told me I was useless ... that they tried and tried to knock me down .... dad succeeded .. you all know that story ... FUCK ... All I wanted ... All I wanted was respect ... but I didnt get it ... instead people attacked my looks ... suddenly it didn't matter that I could deal with all this and stand up after all this ... instead they attacked my looks ... and that was it ... they killed my outlook on myself ...
Over the years I have repaired myself a bit ... but I have down moments and lately ... with everything going on ... it's hard to always stay positive

*takes a deep breathe* ... I think I am done venting ...