SO yes ... I fed my geese and all went well ... they all came up to me ...
I have fallen in love with the muscovy. I call her and she comes to me ... she waits till I feed her out of my hand ... then she walks backwards to signal she's done ... then lets me pet her back ... I love it ...

I AM IN SUCH A FANTABULOUS MOOD :) :) :)
"Hopeful for today ... take this music and use it ... let it take you away"
*dances around the room* ... ha ha ha ...

The weather is supposed to be shitty for the next few days, so Im waiting for mom to get home because I want to feed my geese. I want to make sure I get to them just incase it snows really bad ... plus I want to make sure my half footed duck is okay ... if his feet are still bleeding Im gonna call ducks unlimited to get their asses out there before the storm and see what I should do

A) I hate humans ... especially old men that YELL at me because we don't have a small bottle of his fucking body wash. Okay ... stupid old fart
B) Work was fun otherwise
C) St. Catharines has gone mad and I'm afraid of everyone
D) I'm happy
E) I just spent some time with the most fantastic person .... I only wish I could really step out of my shell .... mind you atleast this way I can contain what I feel ... *shrugs*
F) Pepsi makes me giggle
G) I want to go feed my geese again tomorrow ... but I don't think Dar will take me ... anyone? I'll pay you $20 for gas
H) I'm hyper because of lack of sleep ... because my stupid sister kept me awake all night, in between my 2 work shifts

Work has been so fucking crazy! Lately the shrink rate has gone way up. Two nights ago I had a guy walk out with a drink he swiped from the cooler in pharmacy .... that pissed me off .... NEXT ... My section was hit the other night and a TON of my razor blades were stolen, and of course I was left with a few packages to write up (it happened before my shift). Then this one guy came in twice ... he's one of the regular thieves; infact him and his wife are usually in together ... anyways I had to keep my eye on him and my merchandise, aswell as cosmetics. *rolls eyes* They enjoy taking my cashier because I have figured out how to work the cash register, enough to take care of the few purchases in cosmetics.
ANYWAYS ... today I hear there was a stabbing or something in the parking lot. Like as if my outlook on humans wasn't dimished enough. Whatever ... I'm dealing ... it's just so odd to see your work on the news for something like that ... I'll fill you in once they release what actually happened

*sigh* I miss the past ... today I did a bit of living back in the day ... I want to go backwards for a bit

Another day of confusion.
I'm not really sure what's going on up in my head. I'm seeing the world in a different light and I'm not liking a lot of what I am seeing. I have always tried to see the better side off people, look past what I've seen and heard. I try to trust, forgive and stay loyal. Where has all of this gotten me?
Even more disturbing, look at how I am reflected in the people around me. I am what I am fighting. I am no better than anyone else, of course, I know that. I grew up being told that we are all equal. I am equal to the Queen of England and she is equal to the woman that works at the corner store down the street, who is equal to Saddam, who is equal to me. Subtract any name and add any name you want, for the answer will always lead to you. If you were to look into a mirror and see your inner self, it would bare resemblance to ... basically every single person you have heard about, spoken to, saw or anything ... because we are all equal meaning that our qualities are equal and shine within eachother. Correct?

I have this secret desire ... I want to tell somebody to see what they think ... or if they can relate ... but in some ways it feels so wrong ... as if I am ashamed ... but really ... Im just amazed at myself ... like ... I can't get over this

I feel sad ... I don't know why ... but I feel very sad about something ... very hurt ... I want to cry ... but I can't ... but yea ... I feel sad ...

I feel fantastic!!!! I have missed Erin so much ... and Im so glad to have her home ... each time she comes home we get closer and closer ... I love it

Life is great!!!
Things are going pretty good for me, especially since I've learnt how to deal with some reoccuring things. I'm making plans to buy a camera and possibly go on a trip ... of course I have a lot of saving to do, but that's no biggie ... hell I'd put myself in debt as long as I could get away for a bit.
Aniko and Holly have decided to go to Europe. They are slowly figuring out where they wanna go when and such ... of course this won't be for a long time, but I'm pretty psyched. *giggles* of course I'll be the bodyguard ... well me and Jeff (Aniko's boyfriend). Misty, a girl from work, went backpacking through Europe before and is finding us info so that we can find cheap flights and info on when to go and such ... I hope everything works out ...

Ready for a strange dream?

I was on a trip with ... ..... and we were walking the streets of this city ... it was some foreign place that I believe was having trouble with war and such ... I had one of the school cameras on me and was trying to take some really good pictures, when suddenly I needed batteries ... so somebody went off to get me some ... and then I found more in my bag ... The streets were poor ... cobblestone ... dark ... filled with shops and vendors ... usually I would love it but the people seemed so drained ... I saw this one shop with metal birdcages out front ... it was a place that held 3 vendors ... carpets, oils and then the birdcage man ... and in one of the bird cages was a tiny teal colored canary (I believe) .... Next we went into a clothing store ... we walked in and it was extremely hot and the air was heavy .... the light was dim and golden ... there was a long table with four women with scarves holding their hair back ... they were old and weary ... they were weaving the clothes .... there was hay on the ground and some of the blankets they made hung and pooled on the floor ... I had to leave because it was so hot .... Now my dream jumps .... we were going to a parade ... and it was getting dark ... the streets became rough ... and the vendors had fled ... the parade came around the corner and I saw a christmas float ... it had giant size toys but was torn apart and grey ... it zoomed past and the next float was basically supposed to be santa at one point ... but was some top guy that had a gun and was yelling out to the people ... I was so confused that I hadnt shot any pictures ... especially since some man saw the camera and then ran away .... SO anyways ... next came this giant teddy bear with a yellow and red cone shaped hat. The face was angry and it was EXTREMELY tall ... I thought I'd get a shot looking up at it ... so I ran into the road and looked up ... suddenly it turned around and lowered itself to, what I assume, crush me ... Thats all I remember

What the fuck is your problem?

One of my days where I want to go out ... but alas I'm stuck inside, afraid to ask Dar to take me for a drive. Basically she's been stomping through my room all morning because they want to change her court date (AGAIN) so she is going crazy ... I hate when things get like this ... because everyone goes mental LITERALLY

Dangerous girl
Your spirit runs wild
You've grown up now
No longer a child
*********
Orange marmalade
Memories fade
Green apple pie
Smoke in the sky
**********
Chicken on a wire
Clumsy little guy
Wings have been broken
He can no longer fly
*******
Burning wax
My new addiction
Those stories I read
No longer are fiction
********
Purple elephant
Step proud
Through the streets
Walk away
*******
Green door
Hard wooden floor
Blood all around
This is war
*****
Self inflicted
Burn it off
Red and swollen
It stares back
******
Beautiful pain
What do I gain

Yet another day of me feeling superfantabulouriffic

Very calm today. I keep sticking my head out the window and taking deep breathes in. My window is wide open and I'm listening to the sound of cars passing on the street and some birds are singing in the trees out back. The air feels cool, but refreshing.
I wish there wasn't any snow, I really want it to be spring. I feel like going on a nice walk or playing baseball and basketball in the park ... I want to go to Port Dalhousie and grab an ice cream cone then walk down the pier and feed the ducks ...
I'm remembering days where grandpa Reid would take me to the park and push me on the swing ... he'd sing Let's Go Fly A Kite as I swung higher and higher.
I remember sitting by the pond that grandpa made. It had 2 waterfalls and 3 different sections. There was a bridge to cross and a little island with a house for the various creatures that lived in the pond. Long grasses and fragrant flowers grew on the hill that acted as a sort of background. There was a bench where Dar and I used to sit and she read snips from the Frog and Toad books. Then I'd laugh because she'd squeel when a frog hopped pass and nearly land in her glass of lemonade.
I remember the campfires we'd have outback gram's old. I'd be sticky from eating so many roasted marshmallows and grammy would bring out a damp cloth to wash me up, only to have me run and do it again.
I remember sitting out in the gazebo that grandpa built, eating cake and then running down the path to Dar's house and jumping into the pool. Then I'd swim around for hours until my entire self turned into a prune. Then Jackie and I made forts on the porch with towls and sheets.
I remember dad taking me over to the baseball field and pitching to me, only to have me whack it over his head and the back fence. Ha ha ha I was his slugger all right.
I remember walking with mom and Jen down to Buzby's corner store to buy bags of penny candy and bottles of coke. We'd go up to John and Nancy's and play with the cats then past the park where there was a statue of a man ... I wonder who he was.
I remember dragging my cassette player outside and dancing around the porch singing Paula Abdul. Then playing Power Rangers with a couple of the neighborhood girls and then running over to the pond beside the railway tracks to catch tad poles or hold secret meetings at our fort, ha ha ha the fort that had our secret weapons incase anyone tried to invade us.
OH ... I remember my walks to church with Taylor and grandma Barclay. Or how I would always sneak into grammy B's purse and grab handfuls of scotch mints and eat them during Sunday school.
I remember walking Shenda and Fergy with grandpa Barclay and how he would whistle Scottish tunes that we had just heard on the record player.
Ha ha ha ... I rememeber grandma Barclay making me toast houses and scooping me up huge ice cream cones ... or letting me help her make empire biscuits
I remember watching Auntie Annabelle teach Taylor how to play the chanter (a piece of the bagpipes) and then I snatched it up and started playing, just that my hands were to small to hit the keys ...
HA HA HA HA ... or when taylor and I slept at grandma B's and would fight over who got to sleep with the Nessie toy or who got which bed ... and on New Years we'd fight over who got to bang the biggest pot and pan ...
I remember Christmas parties at grandma B's .... where everyone would be playing Yahtzee and it would smell so good ...

Okay I am going to stop now because this is hurting my head ... what you just witnessed was what I have been going through. Having large amounts of memories come into my head ... as you saw near the end I was writing shorter descriptions because too much was flowing at once ... I only typed up a few of the things that popped in my head ... but yea

Ah it's that time of year I have come to despise ... every Valentine's Day I sit here ... ALONE ... feeling sorry for myself ... I hate feeling this way ... but this year it seems different ... I currently have 2 crushes and had 2 romance stories this year ... more than anything before ... *dreamy sigh* ... You know despite I have that hurt inside ... I'm really happy ... I've felt really good today ... I let my family knock me down earlier ... but I'm good now ... *smirks* ... yea ... Im doing good .. ha ha

Well, yesterday was crappy because I sat around all day ... well ... I did decide to pick up clothes I put on layaway in Niagara Falls ... I wanted mom to atleast take me out for a drive ... BIG MISTAKE ... I was in so much pain ... I felt every little bump and nearly died on the big ones ... Today I am going to work ... I plan on splitting up my lunch ... going to the bathroom a lot ... and I'm going to try and take it easy ... *giggles* I think the meds will force me to do the last one ... Im in pain right now and I didnt sleep very well again ... but I hope I can make it

the drugs wore off and i cant sleep again ... woke up with a fever ... drank 1bottle of water, 2 glasses of oj and 2 glasses of cranberry juice in 1.5 hrs ... it hurts soooooo much

Well, Im not crazy!!! Turns out I have a kidney infection ... I went to the emerge today crying because I was in so much pain ... After sitting around for nearly 4.5 hours I finally was seen ... they shot me with some medication and gave me a prescription ...
It was sad though .. those 4.5hrs .. watching the people come in .. understanding everything going on .. there was too many patients ... everywhere was full the hospitals in the region began to turn away ambulances because they had no room ... people yelled about the wait ... it was terrible ... I kinda was in my own little bubble ... mom would come down every do often and bring me a drink ... I knew a few people that passed by and said hello (mom works at the hotel dieu and I've basically grown up there so I know a lot of people) ... ANYWAYS ... this one young girl mom knows ... Denise ... walked by a couple times ... then I finally looked at her and said ... hey Denise ... she didnt remember me at first ... then laughed and was like oh hey ... she came and sat with me ... talked and I was all tongue twisted ... then she left ... but came and sat with me later on ... she said how she was used to everything but I told her it was hard for me to stomach ... :) ... she's a cutie and I was really happy that she sat with me ... I asked if she used msn and she doesnt :( but she told me to get her number from mom and call her ... Oh dont get me wrong ... I wont call because Im too shy ... but it was still cute

I haven't slept all night ... I am in an extreme amount of pain ... I have tried everything to get rid of it ... stretching out, curling up, using a heat pad, taking advil, drinking cranberry juice ... and so on ... I have a feeling it is either my ovary or my kidney on the right side ... this hasn't happened for like a year or two ... I think dar is taking me to the doctors today ... I hope I can get some sleep by then

*jumps around the room*
Oh how I've missed the feeling of having a crush on somebody. One of those ones where you can't stop thinking about the person ... *giggles* ... Those ones that turn your innerds into mush and make you feel all tingly .. lmao .. *dreamy sigh*

You may all think I am crazy after I post this, but I just had to say it. As you all know I blieve in ghosts and paranormal activity.
Every few months, it seems, I go through a day or few where my mind is flushed with memories. I could be in the shower, walking down the street or simply watching tv and suddenly I will be bombarded with memories ... they all begin to mix and come so quickly it's overwhelming and as I try to practice breathing techniques the scents bring even more life to my memories. Anyways, the last time this happened I believed it was a spirit, so I told them to stop and they did. They seemed to wait until I felt well, then tried again. I'm wondering, what do you believe this is? It is happening to me again ... and causes quite the head ache ... but I wonder if something is trying to tell me something

I seriously want to throw on some purple,green and gold and march around this city with beads arounf my neck ... *giggles* ... Oh ... can y'all tell Im back to being happy ... I mean dont get me wrong I am pretty damn shooken up ... but I am thankful my sissy isnt going anywhere ... we just have to work on making things better for her aorund the house

PS. How should I get my hair done ... Im looking for change ...

YAY for pancakes and tuesdays that celebrate topless fat people collecting beads (lmao)!!! I want to go back to New Orleans!!!

Well, I am in a better mood. Mom told me that she would never send Jen away to a home, she just needed to take action and get the organizations to react. She thought I knew ... but obviously I didn't. I'm still pretty shaken up and Im still upset about everything going on. Just today I was sleeping in my room but woke up when mom told me the nurses were getting trained how to use the lift. I went into mom's room to sleep and then they came in there. It's so frusterating! Anyways, I went to work and had a blast there. I talked to Lorrie, Meredith, Agata and Aniko. Aniko and I are getting along, she was at customer service tonight ... but I kept going up and visiting her. I think she reallized I was in a better mood ... lol ... Well, I'm going to go finish watching "Corrina, Corrina" ... I love that movie

and the people flocked to see the performance of their lives
grand illusions that nobody except the magician could understand
large beasts kept docile by their keeper's whip
performers that would recite from the finest, heartfelt scripts
as the audience poured into the room all dressed in black and found their seats
the ring master walked across the stage and stood at his podium
with one swift movement of his hand the performance began
the audience began to smile and weep at once
certain acts would bring back memories too hard to bare
while others brought stories of a happier time
one by one the performers would take center stage
then a woman dressed head to toe in black,
eyes puffy and red and the marks of where tears once layed still adorned her face
her act was the best of all
she sang a song that spoke of a saviour
a song that made everyone sit straight and listen
"for we can look to Him if ever we find ourselves lost
He will forgive, if you ask him to
oh yes He is there for you"
Her voice was that of an angel
Once her song was over, the people poured into the parking lot
Their black clothes all damp around the collar
It is time to go to the Green & Grey for the next performance

Another lovely day of feeling down in the dumps. I feel horrible for Aniko. It was her first day working with me in cosmetics and I was all depressed and quiet. Meh, she was fun though ... pllus Holly was in ... so i had fun giggling with her

UGH ... I woke up this morning with the worst headache ... and then Dar called up to ask when we are taking the animals back because apparently grandma has decided to go to church today ... AKA steal the car ... The kitten had to stay downstairs last night because my allergies were crazy ... Last night I got home from work and fell asleep an hour or two later ... Im so tired and drained and depressed .... fuck .... seriously

and it gets worse
I went downstairs to use the bathroom before going out, and my cousin started going on about why did I have to use that bathroom instead of my own. She knew it was because I have some weird quirk with using the bathroom when people are in my house. Anyways, that was it ... that flicked the switch. I grabbed my stuff and ran out of there to right in front of the elevators and began to bawl and say that I couldnt do it anymore. My mom was still going down the stairs and then she came back and took me up.
Suddenly I found myself having an attack ... but this one ... this one was a mental breakdown ... the cry I gave out and the words that I said were obvious to anyone ... I began to heave but nothing came out ... it only created more trouble breathing.
Then my mother snapped too. She decided to go to the hospital with me her and Jen ... she handed them a note and they took my mother and I's blood pressure. I hated it people were watching as my family fell apart and I was angry and sad all at once because I didnt want to be there.
The nurse asked me if I had any thoughts about harming myself. I lied. MY sister and mother were sitting there looking at me. How could I say I had thoughts ... I could never do anything to myself ... but those thoughts were there ... and that's scary enough.
They took us to a room ... we waited over 2 hours and nobody came ... I had fallen asleep ... when I woke up ... we went home ... nobody helped us ... it was pointless ... FUCKING POINTLESS ...

Then it happens ... see people ... this is why I sabotage my own happiness ... so that stuff like this ... doesn't tear me apart ... I seriouly want to die more than ever ... I can't handle this ... this is going too far ... please ... anything but this

MY mother has fired all nursing staff and will begin looking for a home on Monday for my sister. SHe has written a letter which states she no longer can provide Jennifer with the care she needs. Ummm ... yea ... you all know how much my sister means to me ... and ... yea ... guys ... IM right on the edge ... I can't lose my sister ... I can't ... I need her with me ... I need to see her little smile everyday ... I need my sister and she needs me ...

I feel like I am dying ... my life is being taken from me ... I cant handle this ... I cant do it ... this is too much ... too much ... I realize now how pathetic I must have sounded before ... I would go through my entire life again to have her stay ... I could be slapped around everyday ... just dont take my sister away from me ...

Im crying now ... I can hardly see the screen ... im gonna go ...

*giggles* ... I'm so happy today!!! I'm reading through everyone's blogs and talking to a bunch of people on messenger ... and it looks like things are going right for a lot of people.
Holly had her evalluation and apparently it went really well. I was so happy to talk to her last night and hear her relief (despite I told her everything would be fine lol).
Chantal is finally appreciating herself. She is finally is seeing what I saw in her and loving it just like I did.
Caitlin is on a roll and any day now I'm expecting a postcard from some far off place telling me that National Geographic snatched her up and put her to work right away. Caitlin sweetie, your work is fucking amazing! From your stories right up to your photography!
Kelly is busy as usual! Keep up the work hon ... but don't tire yourself out too much. I still expect you to watch American Idol with me some nights.
Emme's got herself a man! She seems happy ... pllus she's posting more so I can keep tabs on her.
Nimisha and Erin are good. I talked to them both briefly ... man do I miss them.
Andy's found happiness with Alexei and is doing well. I'm excited cause I get to do some petsitting for her (lol) ...
Laura's doing some growing and despite that being scary ... we all gotta do it and I hope she (along with everyone) knows that I am here whenever y'all need me

Anyways, I gotta jet because I am so friggin hungry.

*giggles and dances around*

I am seriously such a jealous little shit!!!
I think it's funny how I deny things that are true ... I guess I can deny it to other people but not myself (lmao) ...

Silver tears pour from her purple eyes
I see the world in each tiny droplet that hits the ground
She has seen so much these past few days

Firstly the aqua fires of Fortenhagan Mountain poured down upon her village
Forced to flee, her family each mounted a custard coated horse
They rode off into the distance, leaving everything they knew and owned behind

Secondly during their trek, the river of cyan took her family away
It sucked their tiny emerald bodies in and wouldn't let them go
Even the great custard horses were no match for the river's currents

Thirdly she walked the desert of broken glass
Where the crimson sands cut her flesh and the blue sun burned her skin
Her body was left raw and the worst was yet to come

Fourthly the golden clouds cracked open and rained black upon the earth
The liquid was sweltering and corrosive, the pieces of flesh that once hung from her, melted off
Her body was coated with the sticky black liquid, and the pain was nearly unbearable for her

Finally she looked towards the orange night sky and saw a grey light
She followed it to a maroon forest, where she was attacked by a catenhopper
It hissed and shrieked until her ears bled, then it left before she could fight back

She has been through more than anyone I know, these past few days
I can't help but admire her and want to be close to her
She knows so much and I want to learn more

*giggles* I am in such a great mood!
I have an income
I have my health
I have friends
I have love
I have knowledge
I HAVE A FUTURE

*dances around the room*

For the past couple of weeks I have felt so good. I am slowly moving on. Today I cut a few more of those chains loose, and boy does it feel good. I'm not holding on to things that I know will hurt me, things that I realized today I DONT need .... That's right people! I'm getting rid of some excess baggage. I don't know what the hell happened but I was talking to this girl and I realized it's time to move on and time for me to stop holding myself back.