I'm crying ... I'm such a fool. I think Im making progress and look what happens. You know I was actually beginning to feel good about myself. I was beginning to believe that I'm not such a bad person, that maybe what people say to me is the truth. But again I see that I am not what people believe I am. I am a fool, I am no one. You guys are stupid to think anything of me and you are right to walk away from me or step back. Ha ha ha ... you know when I last went out? When Erin was here. She probably can only stand me because she doesnt hear from me for months on end. I seem to be losing all those people I hold dear. I seemed to have finally cut myself off ... I have a few more threads though. I think I am quite capable of getting rid of those. Yes ... you're right. I think I have finally snapped. Honestly I can't believe it hasnt happened yet. ha ha ha ... hey I mean those therapists thought that I should have killed myself off by now ... but noooo ... I keep fighting ... even now ... im fighting ... i can feel that fucking positive side of me shining through ... y'all have heard what it has to say ... you read it every day .... my poor excuse of a brain .... if you could only see me now .... see the red on my arms from my new addiction ... see my swollen eyes .... watch my chest fight as I breathe. Mom asked me to go to the doctor with her ... I said okay ... but now I dont want to go ... Im too tired ... I would rather sit here and sulk .... feel my body fall victim to this virus ...

Anyways ... Im slowly drawing myself out of this fucked of state .... so Im going to go ... im not going to delete this though ... because I want you to see me ... i want you to see what goes on