Well ... here's my dilema.

I have been asked to go to a party tonight. Aniko, from work, is holding a party because of school ending and what not ... Now here's my thing ... and I know it sounds stupid and some of you will want to smack me... but ...
I've been asked to parties, but I never show up because I get so nervous. I will only know like three people and that worries me ... yes everyone ... I know ... I'm very self concious and I have low self esteem ... and I want to push myself to go ... but geez .. this is so friggin hard .. I'm trying to get ahold of Kelly or Holly and maybe they can push me to go ... fuck ... i hate being this way ... and Holly might be there!!!! *giggles* ... damn my nerves ... damn me

Well, I've been busy doing random things ... I finally put together a pond with a fountain ... so far so good ... I still need to buy plants and such ... Ummm I can't type much because I am in EXTREME PAIN ... I have a pinched nerve in my lower back and I have some inflamation in my foot ... so ya ... Im going to go lay down again ... I hope my meds kick in soon ... mom says I should go to the doctor ... but I'm too damn bullheaded

So, I watched Larry King ... then there was a commercial to do with police handcuffing a 5 year old ... and now I am watching the special on the Oklahoma bombing.
I'm crying ... a lot .. for all different reasons ...
I'm thinking a lot ...

*shakes fist*
I'm watching Larry King and they are talking about "God and Good VS Evil" ... it's really quite interesting ... "man wrote the bible, and man is not perfect" ... I don't know ... maybe I'll type more about it later ... it's really interesting

It's 5am I cant sleep and I just watched the strangest yet most interesting show "Subway Stories" ... yea ... it was ... weird

I had a pretty good day today ... lmao

Woke up late, watched my soap, bugged my sister, cleaned my room ... AND THEN Joey called. Well, when Joey calls it usually means that he wants to go out ... and this was no exception. So I brushed my hair and hopped into his car and off we went, for another one our unplanned trips. THIS time we ended up going to Blue Ghost Tunnel.
I got out of the car and headed down the path and started gagging and nearly throwing up, which is SO unlike me. *shrugs* Then we climbed down a hill and entered the tunnel. We walked in a ways and started feeling really awkward (nerves got the best of me). After we got over half way in I was fine, I stuck close to the wall though. THen I became a skeptic and realized the footsteps were really being made from water dripping from the ceiling ... The figure was really ice formations ... the twinkles were the camera's flash bouncing off the water droplets .. *shrugs* ... I cannot explain the woman's voice, the heavy breathing, the shadow, my ill feeling when I passed a certain spot ... I want to go again ... I want to go at night and I want to go during the day with a flashlight ... I think I might try to see if speaking to them will stir something up ... plus I'll do some research on the area ... Anyways, after going through the tunnel until we reached the ice ... we turned around and left ... then we started hiking all over the area ... We found two of the old locks for the canal ... and they were beautiful ... such history ... I couldn't stop staring ... I know that must sound stupid ... but sometime y'all should come with me because it was really fun to hike around there ... despite falling down a hill on my ass ... getting thorns in my hand ... twigs stuck in my hair ... and a number of scratches from different things ... only to realize I could have taken the NICE CLEAR PATH

I had one hellish night

Started off by forgetting to take my meds. I figured I wouldnt worry cause I was in such a good mood ... but then ... it happened ... THE NIGHT OF HELL ...
I got to work and went to tell housewares I had arrived. Housewares got a page (pick up 885) while we were talking .. but 5 seconds later it turned into HBA (ME) pick up on line 885. So I did and it was a woman that thought she wanted housewares but really she needed chemicals and of course nobody works that department so I just decided I'd take the call anyways. Well she decided to bitch at me about something that happened earlier in the day and then she wanted to prove she had the rigth number and bla bla bla. Basically she wasted 5 minutes ... during which I hear "HBA PICKUP 884" ... so I finish with her ... try to pick up 884 and I get a busy signal ... I ask them to repeat page (incase I screwed up) ... and sure enough HBA 884 ... it was busy ... so I gave up ... THEN the manager comes over and asks if I got the phone ... I said what I said above and he said ... well now i have her on the phone, so he answered and BOOM this lady bitches about calling and how hard it was to get through and yata yata yata ... So he hands the phone to me and she keeps bitching then asks about a product ... so I steal the managers phone and this woman is now yelling cause the phone cuts out because of beeps and shit ... and IM like ... sorry I have the managers phone and I dont know how it works ... so I help her .. she bitches EVEN MORE ... then apologizes for yelling at me and takes my name *rolls eyes* Then I gave Dan the phone back... So thats done ... Next I notice my department is torn apart ... despite that I had it spotless the night before ... whatever I don care ... so I go off to clean everything up ... as Im bending down to grab a bottle a woman hits me with her cart and doesnt apologize ... it really fuckin hurt too ... so whatever I got over it ... NEXT ... my ex walks in with her boyfriend ... I said hello and was polite but she didnt seem like talking ... so then I felt even more like shit ... Then Casey asks me to watch food for 1/2 hr ... I was like sure ... I dont care ... so during that ... somebody dropped a fucking thing of yoghurt and it went all over ... and to top it off they put it back on the shelf and messed the shelf up too ... AND GUESS WHAT ... I didnt find the mess ... I came 5 seconds after the manager did ... JOYOUS!!! ... so I grab papertowls and get down on my knees and start wiping up the pink mess ... and then the manager puts out a safety cone ... So I go back to my department and work ... Finally it turns 9ish and Im thinking ... Im over halfway through this night ... THEN ... these people that were either high or drunk came in *ROLLS EYES* ... they went through the store ... and of course hassled me ... throwing packages of pads at eachother ... then looking at me and saying "well we dont have to pick them up because it's HER job" ... YOU ASSHOLES!!!! ... Seriously tonight was just NOT COOL ... I had a couple other pain in the ass customers ... but Im used to those ... So anyways ... a bad night ... and an overactive brain ... NOT GOOD ... also ... being confused about how you are feeling is not good ... *shakes fist* damn me for trying to understand myself ... and damn me for having crushes on straight girls ... LMAO ... I was trying to drop hints with Lorrie tonight but because of the entire everything going wrong ... it just wasnt going well ... we just kept looking at eachother and laughing ... that reminds me ... Holly hasn't been at work for awhile ... I wonder where she went ... *shakes fist* ... I wish I had weekend shifts so I could work with her more ... I hope we do plan to go away somewhere ... Aniko wont be going though because she's going home to Hungary for 2 weeks or something ... Im really happy for her ... She has been really down lately ... and a trip home is just the cure ... I know she misses it a lot ... IM SO TIRED RIGHT NOW ... WHY WONT MY BRAIN SHUT OFF

I hate when people comment on my weight. I know I'm fat, I'm not an idiot! So you really don't need to talk about it. I'm actually happy with the way I am because I still can dress nicely, plus I'm pretty damn active.
Yes I know what eating right is and I know what exercise is ... and NO, I can't stop eating. I also don't think it's funny when people crack jokes and say "you could lose weight easily if you just stop eating so much". NO SHIT! I thought if I ate a ton of food I would lose weight!?! *shakes head* ... I also thought that is I sat around the house all day I would lose weight. NOT! Every day I do ATLEAST 40 pushups (girly style .. you try lifting this body), 30 crunches, 10 double leg crunches (cause of my back) ... from there I work on my arms and legs doing various things .... and then I try to get out and walk. When I'm watching tv I also do random things ... As for eating ... During the winter my eating habits are worse than ever, I admit to that. During spring and summer I eat healthier and whatever.
I change my habits every so often because I don't want my body to get used to it ... So shut up!!! Stop telling me what I should and should be doing! ... I am the way I am ... and I like it ... I just get fed up when I hear people talking about me and other people that are fat ... sheesh

Over the past two or three nights I have had NUMEROUS DREAMS ... here are some that I have tried writing down ... I wasnt going to post them ... but its crazy they just keep coming

So I'm in a class of people that are my age, but we seem to be in a grade 5 class. We each had to hand in a project on a holiday and make up something special with presents and food. Well the teacher handed them out and I didnt get one, despite I handed one in. Apparently somebody insulted another person (Julie remember Carl Hayes, that's what the upset guy looked like). Anyways, suddenly the two people started yelling and throwing things at eachother. There were 4 or so of us that couldnt get out of the room ... So anyways, these guys started throwing glass. It shattered and I was covered in it. So I went to a change room in the basement and left a trail of shattered glass behind me. I changed into some close but they were damp for some stupid reason ... so I was really uncomfortable. Plus there was still glass in my hair. Anyways, while in the change room a person was pushing a stretcher and I think the woman was dead ... so they pushed the stretcher into the shower ... and then they were talking about some dead guy under a bridge ... left the change room ... so I needed some air and decided to walk .. then a storm came ... so I went to this security cabin ... but nobody was in it ... and when I called it took like 1/2 hr to get a reply ... the man said the storm was really bad to go to the church because there are other people there ... the cabin would be flooded and nobody could get to me there


My other dream was about buying a record ... and then I wanted to make a paper flower out of a sheet of music (I like how romantic I am in my dreams) ... so I ran to an old book store and the woman there actually knew how to do it ...suddenly I needed the bathroom ... they said there wasnt one ... and then they realized there was ... so they gave me these really confusing directions ... but some woman came and took me ... the house was like a labrynth ... we found the bathroom but on the way back we took a wrong turn ... and were in this room ... we were waiting for somebody to come and get us ... Suddenly voices started in the room next to us and the girl that was leading me ran away ... so I opened the door and heard voices ... then opened the door to find darkness ... absolute darkness ... and the voices were still talking ... they were ghosts ... and the woman then came back for me and told me ... that they lived with the ghosts ... because the ghosts didnt even know they were dead ... they had been killed whilst they were cooking ...

Next I went on a drive to Balls Falls but it was steeper like Niagara Falls ... the water was rushing ... and my dad was driving ... he was driving closer and closer to the edge ... and I was screaming no no .. then he stopped right at the edge ... and said jump ... so everyone jumped ... I jumped and clung on to this vine ...then hiked down the muddy hill ... Then there was a wounded pigeon looking thing ... and I was like all upset and had to save it ... so I took it to this house ... and they opened the door and scooted me up the stairs and said they could help me ... there were animals everywhere ... I was playing with a goat and a HUGE rabbit ... well after a while they fixed it ... and then I went outside and hiked back to the car ... and we left

NEXT
This one took place in some historical area ... there was a burial site and nobody realized it. Anyways ... there was this one grave that was kind of in the side of a hill ... and at midnight the grass would turn to a stone wall and the letters WELBAT were there ... above the hill were three white stones that turned into banchee figures and tried to take your soul ... the two energies would fight ... and I escaped


There was also something about shaving a cat to get rid of something .. but you could just offer the creature a kitten ... but you had to hunt it in the complete dark ... and it was so fucked up

Today is quite an interesting day

A) I believe today is the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing. This event was something that I remember watching on tv. I remember crying as I watched. Garth Brook's "The Change" ... will always remind me of the tragic event.

B) It's beautiful outside and I am in a fantastic mood. I believe I will continue to clean my balcony today, come the weekend I will be able to pick up a couple things for it.

C) Some bitch called AGAIN. This is the woman that called before and told my mom she was lazy and deserves whatever she gets. She's calling for Dar but yells at everyone else. In some way I wish that I did pick up the phone so I could bitch back at her, instead of helplessly listening to her rant on my answering machine. Mom is going to call her back to see what she is really about.

D) I'm still searching for answers and it's funny that I chose now. A new pontiff has just been chosen and it's all I see when I flip the channels. *shrugs* It's probably the same amount ... just I'm noticing it more now.

E) I love my friends and I am so glad that I am becoming closer with them again.

Well the past few days have been pretty intense for me. A lot of thinking, crying, laughing, yelling ... I've been questioning religions and beliefs. I've been questioning other people and myself. Yes, I have even been questioning my existence!
SOrry to tell you all that I really didn't find out that much. Atleast nothing that I can relay on to you all. Basically it's an experience, I'm sure it will come up again, but for now ... I'm kind of happy it happened.
I admit at first I thought my life was caving in, and that I was the one that caused it to do so. Strangely enough, things didn't cave in ... I seemed to have made a stronger structure. Yes, I believe I am learning to deal ... something I previously wasn't capable of doing (yea yea some of you were right bla bla bla).
I have seen the scary parts of me, I have scared people, I have felt love, I have felt pain (physical and mental), I've made friends, I have strengthened friendships, I have cried (A LOT), I've been a good daughter, I've been a good sister ... niece, grand-daughter, cousin ... you name it ... and that's all in the past few days (lol)
I still have some things I have to work out, but I'm doing better with my fears aswell. In all honesty, I have been very afraid of the world and leaving my house for the past couple of months. This fear is one of the reasons that I couldnt go back to school for the semester. I couldn't go out knowing that there were going to be people out. Especially during the day when the everyone is awake, but the other day I took sissy for a walk and ... despite I did freak out in Home Depot ... I was able to go a bunch of places that I would usually need to psych myself up to visit. I think that's saying something. *shrugs* ...

PEOPLE:
Dar and Jackie are having a rough time right now. Dar sent me an email that at the end said "don't tell me anything bad, I don't think I can handle even one more thing"
Mom is suffering right now. Mommy goes through extreme bouts of depression that include confining herself to her room and thinking of suicide. I try to be here for her ... it's hard though.
Grandma is having a rough time to. She seems to have good days and bad days. I mean, I know she's aging, but I'm afraid for her ... she's had to take on a lot for her age.

SHOUTS!
Caitlin, thank you. You're my shoulder to lean on ... and despite the size difference, that shoulder has really helped prop me up.
Laura, you go girl! Never hold back when you post ... especially about you know who
Theresa, I am still here ... despite you probably don't know it ... and I guess I can only blame myself for that one.
Chantal, i don't know if you still read this but ... *hugs* (I think you understand)
Kelly, would you post!!! lmao
Andy, thank you for pushing me to think. Don't blame yourself for anything, because infact, you have helped me more than you can believe.
Julie, I'll have a water on the rocks!!!! What about you?
Fro, we definately have to do the hotel thing ... especially when all of our peeps get home from school. ERIN IS COMING HOME SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone knows I think a lot
Everyone knows I crave knowledge
Everyone knows I have faith
Nobody knows what goes on inside of me .. not even me

Ah yes, yet more confusion. More Dr. Seuss riddles and such ... words and thoughts twisting ... hardly ever connecting ... but always making sense ... Have I lost you yet?
I talk and talk ... I ask questions ... I recieve answers ... then I think ... and I ask more questions ... (PS SORRY ABOUT THE ELLIPSES) ... I can disect every little thing about existence, but at the same time ... I can still be happy not having answers.
I believe that I was put on this earth to live my life. I believe that there were only a few rules ... live, love, experience, learn ... and that is what I am doing ... and if I do something wrong ... I believe that I will be forgiven if I ask ... I don't believe what everyone else says ... I just know that I shouldn't fear what I believe in ... Nor do I believe that I should face humility to prove myself worthy of believing in what I do ... I am not God ... I am human ... I know this ... let me live my life and come judgement day ... let me be judged ... for now I am only doing what I was put on earth to do ... to live my life ...
Love is love ... all religions know that ... if you do research you will find that over the years religions have changed ... they have begun to accept certain things while realizing that some things have been interpreted wrongly ... I mean ...just because there was adam and eve doesnt mean that only women could love men and men only love women .... I have my basic principles and I am happy ... I honor the higher power and when I have done wrong, I ask to be forgiven ... homosexuality is frowned upon by many religions but it is accepted in some way by many ... although in some cases you would have to become celebiet. In other religions or even same religion, they see love as love ... and as long as you are in love with the person it is fine to have sex .... I don't me they totally embrace it, but they understand ... Personally ... I say live life and be happy ... honour the higher power and do not seak out to do wrong ... live

I have a lot going on in my mind and I have a lot I want to say.
I just haven't had the chance to sit down ... I think I will write it on paper tomorrow and then type it up

I had the strangest dream last night.

Tim Burton had created a new film and I was to go to the first showing. I was hired though to prepare the cinema. We were sent to create large scale versions of different creatures from A Nightmare Before Christmas. I took a ball of clay and immediately began to work on Jack Skelington. There were random seats throughout the theatre where all the different creatures were sitting. At he front of the theatre was a stage and further back into it was a screen. A red velvet curtain hung over the screen and the entire theatre including the stage looked aged and run down ... it looked spooky. After creating the the characters I worked on 4 murals on the walls ... and then we prepared a show ... a play before the movie. As I type I remember more and it seems like something so long ... and I miss the odd part ... because this is where it turns strange. The audience came in and took there seats ... the show started ... there were these pins ... and once 2 people were stabbed with them ... they would fall in love ... They had been dipped in something ... suddenly the room turned into a war ground ... everyone was throwing pins ... and then there were knives ... but nobody was hurt ... instead everyone fell in love ... ...

The second dream was also screwy.
I was on a trip ... at the north pole ... and we stayed in Santa's workshop because we were such a nice family ... I don't know ... as it became closer to Christmas this factory's shelves went from being empty to slowly filling up with the childrens desires ... and there was a special filter they would go through for things that they couldnt make at the shop ... it was soo cool ... im too tired to type anymore ... maybe I'll just write a book about it later.. lmao

Wow ... I honestly could sleep all day. I JUST got up at 12:48 ... and I honestly just want to go back to sleep ... I don't want to be awake ... I want to be asleep

"Hear You Me"

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Jimmy Eat World

Join in the discussion below.
What does the horizon mean to you?

Before columbus sailed across the ocean, we percieved the world as flat.
If it was, what would it be like to creep to the edge and look over? What would you see? Would you have been able to look? Would you have been too afraid?
Now we know the world is round, we have mapped out every little corner and we have gone beyond earth's borders. We have pushed limits and have even prolonged life. Yes the world has changed a lot since Columbus, hasn't it?
We don't fear the horizon, do we? We look at it and see something beautiful, especially when a sun sets behind it.
I'm afraid of the horizon. Atleast somedays I am. Afraid of what lays behind it. I know that I'm not going to fall off the face of the earth, but I don't know that if I walk into it, that I will be okay. The horizon is still the unknown path and it always will be.

Get Together
5:30 at Kelseys beside the Fairview and then the 7:25 showing of Beauty Shop. So whomever wants to come .... CAN

So I said lets go ...
I have my music up soo loud right now and I'm just groovin. You know why? I'm happy! I am really happy! Nothing artificial ... I am happy!
The sun is shining ... it's spring ... and things just seem to be pulling together for me. I'm starting to get in touch with my friends again, I'm growing and understanding, I'm movign on, I'm becoming healthier, I'm feeling good about myself, I have somebody that I care about and cares about me, my family is doing well, I'm responsible and contributing, my self esteem is up .... I'm happy .... Of course I have a bunch of shit going on, that'll always be there. The difference is I am able to move on ... to deal and move on ... I don't let things eat me up ... *giggles*
ANyways ... I'm off to have a shower

PS. Don't forget to fill out the thing below

Thirteen Random Things You Love...
01) My sister
02) Wishing on stars and pennies
03) Laughter
04) My friends
05) My family
06) Flowers (gerber daisies)
07) My birds
08) Music
09) Women
10) Work
11) Life
12) Myself
13) Happiness

Twelve Movies...
01) Tipping the Velvet
02) Little Women
03) The Wizard of Oz
04) Two Weeks Notice
05) Taxi
06) Oceans Eleven
07) Clue
08) The Color Purple
09) Hunchback of Notre Dame
10) Legends of the Fall
11) Bringing Down the House
12) Finding Neverland


Eleven Good Bands/Artists...
01) Gavin Degraw
02) Kelly Clarkson
03) The Corrs
04) Josh Groban
05) Judy Garland
06) The Killers
07) Maroon Five
08) Melissa Ethridge
09) Tito Puente
10) CHER!!!!!
11) Frank Sinatra

Ten Things About You... Physically:
01) Tall
02) Blue eyes
03) Big Belly
04) Chipped tooth
05) Crooked fingers
06) Big hands
07) AN okay smile
08) Freckles
09) Short legs
10) The freckle on my boob or the one on my left pinky

Nine Good Friends (in no particular order)...
01) Andy
02) Erin
03) Joey
04) Kelly
05) Nimisha
06) Holly
07) Katie
08) Caitlin
09) Aniko

Eight Favorite Foods/Drinks:
01) Chocolate
02) Chocolate cake
03) Chocolate milk
04) Chocolate dipped strawberries
05) Chocolate mouse
06) Chocolate mint cookies
07) Chocolate chip cookie dough
08) White chocolate

Seven Things You Wear Daily:
01) Bra
02) Underwear
03) Shoes
04) Necklace
05) Watch
06) Shirt
07) Socks

Six Things That Annoy You...
01) Liars
02) Back stabbers
03) Stupid people
04) Hypocrites
05) Anxiety
06) Myself on certain days ... lmao

Five Things You Touch Everyday...
01) Computer
02) Brush
03) Bed
04) Myself ... because "when I think about you I touch myself"
05) Closet door

Four Shows You Watch...
01) Amazing Race
02) American Idol
03) Simpsons
04) All My CHildren

Three Celebrities You Have a Crush On...
01) QUEEN LATIFAH!!!!!!!!
02) Jennifer Lopez
03) Keira Knightley

Two things you've done today
01) Woke up
02) Ate

One person you could spend the rest of your life with...
01) My sister ... that kid kicks ass

[ one ] grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. write down what it says: " Which pretty well describes the level of debate in the Commons"

[ two ] stretch your left arm out as far as you can. what do you touch first? OWE ... the fucking wall

[ three ] what is the last thing you watched on TV? ummm ... Ready or Not ... LMAO

[ four ] Without looking at the clock, guess what time it is: 12:20

[ five ] now look at the clock. what is the actual time? Depends on which you look at

[ six ] With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Traffic

[ seven ] When did you last step outside? what were you doing? Getting out of Andy's car
[ eight ] Before you came to this website, what did you look at? My convo with Megan

[ nine ] What are you wearing? Some very sexy pjs ...
[ ten ] Did you dream last night? I actually did ... it was freaky
[ eleven ] When did you last laugh? A minute ago

[ twelve ] What is on the walls of the room you are in? paintings

[ thirteen ] Seen anything weird lately? THE UNICYCLE MAN
[ fourteen ] What was the last film you saw? Tipping the Velvet

[ fifteen ] If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? tickets to go somewhere
[ sixteen ] Tell me something about you that I don't know: I use dove soap???

[ seventeen ] if you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Pollution

[ eighteen ] Do you like to dance? Yes, but I can't

[ nineteen ] George Bush: ummm ... yea? ...

[ twenty ] Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Essie lol

[ twenty-one ] imagine your first child is a boy what would you name him? Clouse lol

Im not kidding when I say my chest is burning. I think I may need to take a walk or have a good cry. The walk sounds like a better idea, I don't know where I'll walk to though ... My chest is just really hurting, burning ... and I need some air.

I am superfantabulous!
I had a pretty good weekend. The weather was beautiful so there was NO way I could be in a bad mood. I got to feed the birds, go for a few walks, visit NOTL, work, and hang out with Andy ... so all in all ... an awesome weekend ... and I've still got three hours left of it ... ha ha ha
I'm thristy so I'll post more later

Magda is speaking Polish ... *giggles* ... I think she is plotting my death ... so if you dont hear from me for a while ... she may have killed me after all

I am in such a fucking fantastic mood. I got my hair cut and I am just feeling really friggin good about myself! I'm wearing this brown shirt that ... well I wouldn't normally wear ... it's clingy ... but it looks cute ... *shrugs* ... Anyways, I look hot today ... and damnit you know I do when I can actually say it .. LMAO ... *dances around the room* ... I hope I can go somewhere tonight ... be it to a friends place, a friend here, mom takes me out, a firend and I go somewhere ... *giggles* ... Salsa!!! ... lmao

So anyways, I woke up today ... and I'm having such a hard time getting up the energy to do anything ... lol ... Where'd all that energy go?

I'm working on changing my layout ... so be patient if things look screwy ... especially since my computer is SUPER SLOW now ...

Can we say extremely turned on and in a damn good mood? I THINK SO!!!
Went to NOTL today ... walked around in the rain ... listened to the church bells ring ... imagined myself owning a HUGE house and holding balls with people dressed in suits and gowns ... I dreamt of owning an art studio ... Uh ... I seriously just had a fantastic day walking and taking in sights and sounds ... my senses are heightened beyond belief ... Currently I'm listening to all sorts of cuban .. latin ... merengue ... whatever you want to call it ... he he he ... Can I just say ... WHOA

I am so happy right now ... I had the greatest and longest conversation ... I could have kept going too

I lied. I can't help but post something before I head off to work.
Things seem to be going well for me. I keep running in to things that knock me down, but I'm learning to think and reason things out. I'm realizing that for many things I can only blame myself, as hard as that may be. *shrugs* It's quite a good feeling and that may sound odd ... but it is. Yet another step being taken!
Also I'm learning a lot from work and becoming close to even more people. It's great walking in to a room and having everyone turn to greet you and ask you about random things. I also LOOOOOOVE that people know if they want to discuss something to wait until I'm in the room ... lmao ... apparently I know a lot and I'm good at explaining my opinions ... One girl said it's amusing to watch me talk about something I care about because I grow very serious and my tone changes ... I thought that was normal *shrugs* ... but atleast they were talking about me infront of me???
Anyways, my grandma should be calling to tell me that it's time I leave early to get to work early ... lmao ... whatever ... I might just join the people at the smoke pit or go upstairs and cause trouble *giggles* ... Laurie D and I caused havoc last night ... It was friggin friggin funny ... everyone would laugh everytime they saw us together ... *shrugs* ... Whaaaaaaaaaat I'm really a good girl

UGH UGH
I have to start DL my music again because apparently have NO songs on my computer now. Compared to the 478 I had prior to the crash. Including the Little Women soundtrack and basically ALL of my classical music ... I honestly can't remember everything that I listened to every day. SOOOOO ... post lists of songs and such.

Anyways, I haven't been on because my computer crashed. $72 later I'm back online to post about ... well nothing really new has happened to me. I'm walking more, writing more, sitting outside, cleaning ... Keeping myself busy I guess you could say. My winter blues are lifting to reveal the spring side of me ... Anyways ... I have a ton of stuff I need to do before work ... so I'll type more later on

Well, I'm still in a lot of pain ... but I'm restless. Mom and I are walking up to the mall and picking up some stuff and when grandma comes home from church we'll probably go for a drive or something. *shrugs* .... I was originally just going to rest ... but I'm stubborn.

I've had a bazillion thoughts running through my head. *shrugs* I'm going to call Megan or somebody later on and try to get the girls together. I know if we end up at somebody's house, we'll have a good discussion. I really want to get out somewhere though *shrugs* ... Guess I'll have to actually plan something for once.
Julie, any ideas on what we should all do?

Well, Dar and Jackie are gone. We helped pack their bags and I carried them all down to the car. There were three bags that were hugs and the biggest one, I found out later, was filled with a bunch of stuff including Jackie's reasearch books. *shrugs* ... anyways ... while I was battling the wind, snow and slush I pulled out my back lifting all the bags ... then I had a gym bag between my legs all the way up to TO which cramped my back up even more ... I swear the car was FULL of their stuff ... but they've been living here for how long now ... whatever ... the point is ... Im in an extreme amount of pain and could really go for a massage

I would like to give my condolences to those grieving the loss of Pope John Paul II. He was a great man that shall not be forgotten. His work was recognized by many, including those who do not follow a religion. May he rest in peace.

Just watched my tape of American Idol ... and can I say Constantine kicks ass ... He sang "I can't make you love me"

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

It sounds so beautiful ... I'm listening to like 5 different versions

Make sure to do that question thing below

I have been asked over and over again about my opinions on Terri Schiavo. I have had countless discussions with all sorts of people about this woman. My mind has been flooded with not only my own thoughts, but the words from other people.
Now she is dead.
What do I think now? What do you think will happen next? DO I think Mr. Schiavo was after the money?
My situation is totally different from that of the Schindlers and Schiavos, but in so many ways, things connect. I honestly must say that this is very hard for me to talk about, that every time somebody asks me a question I cringe because of how emotionally attatched I am to this. That when people decide to discuss it in the lounge at work, I wish I could just tune them all out ... I can't though, instead I am dragged into the conversation.
Well she was a person, a living breathing, thinking person. We have no idea the extent of her thoughts, just like you can't tell me what I am thinking of right now. SO many people were putting words into her mouth. They were taking her life and broadcasting it. They turned this woman's life into a spectacle and I hope that something comes of it. I hope that they continue discussing and come to a conclusion. I hope this pushes people into thinking about creating death and living wills, filling out donor cards and all of those other things.
Her husband was probably right when he said she would have never wanted to be seen this way, and that is why I hope conclusions are reached. I hope that this woman's struggle has done something to change the world.
How much of your brain needs to function in order for it to be thought well enough to live, or however you want to word it. Is there an exact amount? How can people against abortion be for letting somebody like this go? They are a fully formed human beings, their brain works, just not at maximum ability. In saying that, none of us use our brains to the full extent. I don't know, I don't think a battle like this could be based on such arguments. I believe that the husband had the right but I also believe that there was somebody there willing to care for her, so let them. AKA the end answer is ... I am torn apart and cannot make a definate decision. It is not me, I don't know and I am sorry I cannot answer all of your questions
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During the time I was creating this post, the Italian media released that the pope was dead. Then they said he only had moments, nearly half an hour ago. I must say that we seem to be underestimating people a lot lately. In all truth, the pope is only a human that has been given a special title and role. I have more to say/post ... but I will post later on