*giggles* I feel so fucking amazing right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She gives me life

It looks like I will be watching Jordan and Conor on Thursday during the visitation ... They are taking them before other people go, I think ... SO I'm really not sure what to expect ... I'm not sure what to do ... I mean these children just lost their father and like ... ya know ... How do I respond? ... I'm sure I will do fine ... If anything I am good in bad situations ... strange how I can adapt with other people ...

So yea .. I've got quite a few things on my mind and Im not sure how to type them all out ... Also for the past week I have been constantly having nightmares and strange things seem to be happening ... and that freaks me out ... I hope the man doesn't visit ... he scares me ... although he's only here to protect me

lmao ... I'm crying whilst watching Touched by an Angel ... such a great show

Man I feel like crap

I feel like crap today, despite being in a good mood. I got my monthly visitor and damn does it hurt. I wish I didn't have to work tonight, but I do *rolls eyes* ... hopefully it will look as nice as I left it the other day ... MInd you I did get a bit of help ... Monica from cash was sent over to help me ... and I got her to do the pad wall ... needless to say she was thrilled with her task ... and mentioned my department always looked so nice ... and I told her today it looks like crap ... and she was like ... no it doesnt

So yea ... I'm just kinda bla today ... so many thoughts ... so much to say ... and the inability to string a simple sentence together (using correct punctuation lol).

Today was a day from hell and my eyes are wider than they have been in awhile. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around everything going on and I can't. Life and all its complexities *shakes head*
Erin's brother-in-law passed away today. He was in his early 30's, he has 2 young children, Jordan (10) and Conor (6) ... I'm a little sketchy for information but he had a heart attack earlier in the week and he came home yesterday. It's so strange because I spoke to him on the phone yesterday morning. Anyways, he had an allergic reaction to something whilst they put him out to unclog something and they told him to stay at the hospital but he came home anyways. Yea ... it's just so unreal. Then I think about Nimisha's father passing away ... and I think of how I take life for granted ... how we all do ... because the other day we were thinking he was okay ... and then he died ... and like ... I just dont understand ... and I just want to hug Erin ... and I want to help their family in any way I can ... tomorrow I am probably going to go help babysit the little ones because April is obviously taking things really hard ... I don't mind ... Erin's mom will be there too ... so we might take them to the park for awhile to give her a break ... I just ... I don't know ...

I had a horrible day at work aswell ... actually my day started off horribly ... I honestly just haven't had a break today ... and right now I am dying to talk to Andy ... but she isnt messaging me ... and I hate calling anymore ... I just need a hug ...

So yea ... Im really pissed ... Im hungry ... Not cool

Guess IM staying at Erin's house. I hope her parents just leave me alone and dont ask why Im there

Okay people I am seriously pissed off beyond belief ... I cant stand my mother any more ... like ... FUCK ... A) she is kicking me out of the house AGAIN tonight ... so I have to sleep at somebody's place and feel like a burden B) Now she is at the door yelling at me C) She's cleaning this house and trying to like remove Jen and I ... like she walks into my room and tells me I've made my bed wrong ... Well mom if your little fuck fest makes it anywhere near my bed I'll fucking move out of this house quicker than anything ... even if I have to live on the fucking street ... honestly a job at walmart and a good sturdy box might be all I need (especially since I have all my balcony stuff)... GRRRRRRR ... Im not kidding people ... I am seriously pissed the fuck off ... like ... I dont usually get angry like this ... actually I dont believe I have ever been this way ... cause I could flip out at any fucking second ... She doesnt even listen ... she thinks Im just being selfish ... NO ... I fucking am not ... I KNOW that this time I am not causing the problem ... ha ha ha ... I changed the answering machine yesterday ... she had it as "you have reached Gloria's house, leave a message" ... liek why did she bother changing it? ... so I put it back to "you have reached Gloria, Gillian and Jennifer, leave a message after the beep ... OH ... she's in my room again ... joyous ... think she can stomp around anymore???... yea go fucking throw out my receipts from yesterday yep ... staring at me is really gonna help .... ARGH IM GOING TO BLOW UP SOON ... honestly I am going nuts and she WONT listen ... I TRIED to talk ... I really did

Anger consumption
Creating monsters in my own mind
Projecting my anger into the minds of others
Feeding off of the red haze that lays over the world
THe red haze that you can hardly see through
Feeding myself to the green dragon
Belly full of hate
Makes for a delicious meal
Twitch in the neck
Blink of an eye
See the flashes of life in her
She can kill
Howl at the moon
Breathe fire on your enemies
Revenge is sweet
Do what you want
Absract is the key word to life
UNderstanding the nature of the world
You can't live through books
LIVE
Paint splatter thoughts
PIcasso's view of life
I paint my own picture with blood sweat and tears
Art of an artist
My fucked up life on canvas

Well ... I've been rather busy lately ... between running through the woods playing capture the flag and working my ass off ... I haven't had much time to type everything out ...

I have realized that people can be assholes. In all honestly, I know I'm a human ... I know I fuck up and despite saying that, I will fuck up a bazillion more times before I die. People piss me off though, even my closest friends can piss me off to know end ... and you all know I piss you off too, so don't start getting all offended because I have decided to post about it ... also don't assume anything is about you ... I'm fed up with people asking me because 99% of the time it isnt about you ... I despise being used ... I despise being seen as some blabbering idiot ... fuck ... I have a brain ... may not work as well as some peoples ... but I think it does its job well ... What is up with people only speaking to me when they want ... they get to make all the moves ... and I let them ... so really I should be asking myself why I let that happen ... but still I dont understand how people can disrespect so much ... and not even notice they are doing it (yes everything I say aplies to myself) ... I get so fed up with humans ... with myself ... we have been given so much yet we waste it ... we blame Pandora for opening up some damn box ... well guess what ... if she didn't do it ... one of us other dumbasses would have gone and done it ...
So yea ... I don't understand why I let people treat me the way I do ... I despise that I always reach out for things because they are close ... and I keep going after it despite that really ... I dont want it ... hell ... I'd be fine without it ... *shakes head* ... yep ... Im strange ... Well now that I think I am finished ranting about goodness knows what ... I will go outside ... to my sanctuary above the streets ... and I'll probably post some happy thing later on ...
I love being the way I am ... and if you dont like it ... then you can stop reading ...

Puzzle Piece street
Drum Beat
Fireflies buzzing round
Apples falling to the ground
Silly rhymes
Abstract mind
Chickens on wires
Cozy camp fires
Nothing makes sence
Moons made of cheese
Purple water in the sea
Fruits that talk
Fridges that walk
Brains that dont obey
Normal society way

Woman made of water
Walking through the night
She glides over the land
Dancing in moonlight

Twisting around corners
Flowing over cold cement
The world is asleep
What is her intent

She is in a hurry
Swimming through the dark
No time to waste
Her heart's last spark

So quickly she moves
She cannot afford to be late
Just through this field of sand
Woman of water will meet her fate

Another super fantabulous day .... :) .... Im too tired to type though .... Maybe tomorrow I will type what I've been doing, who I've been seeing and what's going through my head .... Exciting ... isnt it?

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

I have had an amazing few days!!! BUSY BUSY BUSY
I've run through the woods playing capture the flag
I've drank ice caps with good friends
I've gone on long drives
I've sang at the top of my lungs
I've thrown frisbees and balls
I've swung on swings
I've touched a frog
I've tripped and fallen a few times
I've walked along the beach
I've gotten a sunburn
I've seen people that mean the world to me ....
I've eaten soooo much great (possibly unhealthy) food
I've gone to watch Star Wars Episode 3 at 12:01 am
I've giggled all night about stupid things
I've seen my crushes (including a wonderful ride home with a hottie)
I've seen a friend from work on ELLEN ... playing a guest game
I've seen TWO dead raccoons in the same area
AND IVE WORKED ... plus other stuff I cant think of

I spent and hour devising a plot to take over the world, but then I realized that my plan didn't have any chocolate in it. You can't take over the world without chocolate. So I enlisted the help of some oompa loompas that I had met back when I was 8 years old, sitting alone in a playground they came over and gave me a Wonka bar. Anyways, the oompa loompas said that they were up for the challenge and that they had just the kind of chocolate that I need to take over the world ... So today my friends ... I am going to take over the world!!!!

Well, I have an instestinal infection :) Basically I have bacteria in me and it's just not pretty ... so I'm not supposed to eat a lot of solids and I have to take this medication for five days.

Anyways, I will write more later on tonight ... about things, other than this damned infection that has plagued my week of flirtation *shakes fist*

Today I am taking a mixture of imodium and diovol ... my stomach is still pretty fucked up ... and Im hardly sleeping ... but ... *shrugs* ... I guess Im just hoping this is going to end ... I'm sooooooooooo hungry ... and mom went to the old ladies place in Queenston and brought back some cookies and a meat pie ... CRUEL!!! ... hopefully by tonight I will be able to eat something ... cause honestly ... this is torture ... tomorrow I have a doctors appointment ... so hopefully he can tell me what this was ... it wasnt just a flu ... something to do with my innerds ... dont ask how I know ... just trust

Still sick ... not getting any better ... food didnt sit ... not working today or tomorrow ... stomach burning ... gotta get to the doctors ... did I say I hate being sick

In 60 hours I have had 3 pieces of toast around 6 popsicles and only a couple glasses of juice ... finally I believe my body is oging to let me eat ... so here I go trying to eat 2 pieces of toast ... wish me the best

I've been sick for over a week and things seem to have gotten worse ... before it was all in my chest ... and now my stomach is acting up ... I actually threw up a few times this morning ... which I haven't done in over a year or 2 ... I haven't eaten in OVER 24hrs ... and I can't drink that much because it makes me gag ... Yet still my body "is getting rid of stuff" ... I'm in so much pain I can't get comfortable ... I didnt sleep last night ... well I did a bit ... but not much ... I had about 5 showers too ... so yea ... I need to go lay down ... feel free to call me ... I wont be online much cause I cant sit up for too long

The rules are simple when you're tagged. You get to choose 5 items from the following list to write about. Then you get to tag 3 lucky people to continue the meme.


If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect…
If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist…
If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete…
If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an inn-keeper…
If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer…
If I could be a llama-rider…
If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be an astronaut…
If I could be a world famous blogger…
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world…
If I could be married to any current famous political figure…

TAG
CAITLIN
LAURA
ANDY

Pick ONE word from each pair that you think describes me the best & leave it in the comments.
Then copy this and post it in your own journal to see how your friends view you.

* dominant or submissive
* logical or intuitive
* social or loner
* kinky or vanilla
* cute or sophisticated
* kitten or puppy
* warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
* leader or follower
* quiet or talkative
* spontaneous or planned
* teddy bear or porcelain doll
* hiking or window shopping
* tequila or vodka
* top or bottom
* bare foot or shoes
* jeans or slacks
* tender or rough
* aware or dreamy
* nerd or jock

Well, I'm in a good mood ... I'm really hyper ... and in the words of Nathalie "She sounds like a goat giving birth" ... yes my friends ... I sound really bad ... give me a call if you want to hear me ... it's rather amusing ...

I haven't posted for a while

Thursday: Stayed home sick ... I'm still sick ... this thing is a pain in my ass

Friday: THE BIG DAY. I woke up and called Joey to take me to the plant store, but of course it was "too late" and bla bla bla. So I waited till Erin came over and we decided to just go and get everything else for outside. After spend $250 we decided it was time to go put the balcony together (without plants) ... We filled a shopping cart with our bags and placed a box containing a lounge chair on top of it all and pushed the cart down Geneva street ... Frig it must have looked funny ... especially when we hit bumps and the box would go flying. So we put the lounge together and made the balcony pretty ... then erin left ... then mom came home and we went to Broadway Gardens ... and picked Kelly up on the way ... So we went there ... bought plants ... and then left ... Whilst leaving mother and Kelly decided to make fun of me because they picked up on me checking out one of the girls cashing us out ... COME ON ... SHE WAS CUTE ... AND KNEW WHAT A HIBISCUS WAS!!! ... lol .... Then I went to the Pen ... and Kelly dragged me into all the clothing stores that I hate going into ... lmao ... and while we were at the Pen ... I ran into *DRUM ROLL* ... MERIMA HUSIC ... the girl I had a crush on since grade 7 ... Yes my friends ... I saw and spoke to Merima ... and I was all butterflies again ... She is SOOOO cute ... even Kelly said "she's supermodel pretty" ... Anyways, I talked to Merima for a bit. She's working at a tanning salon (SO FUNNY and she knows it) and studying Neuro-science at Mac .... lol ... did I mention this girl is HOT, has a brain and is such a sweetheart ... lol ... she's also a total hip hop chick ... You can tell by A) the way she dresses and B) her lingo ... lol ... Okay Ill stop talking about her *dreamy sigh* After the mall went home and ate Kelsey's with Kelly ... then she left ... then the phone rang ... it was joey ... he said to go on my balcony ... so I did ... and then He drives out from behind the bus and yells out PEEK A BOO ... fucking funniest thing EVER

SATURDAY: Went to Niagara Falls with Erin, Mom and Grams ... then came home ... then went to work ... Work was CRAZZY busy and I wanted to shoot people ... I cannot believe how moronic people are

SUNDAY: Today ... I woke up ... and typed this ... now Im going to go lay down again

I'm ill .. joyous .. I left work early .. and go figure Holly and Lorrie were there to witness my mad dash out the door .. *shrugs* .. anyways, Im going to lay down ... my face is BURNING and I just feel so weak ...

Let the violinist guide you
Follow him
Follow his music into the light
Follow his music into the dark
Dance under the moon
Twirl and twist
Walk on
Walk through the shadows
Let the song protect you
Listen to what he is playing
Swim through the waters if you must
Walk through sandstorms if you must
Climb the tallest mountain if you must
Never give up on the violinist
He creates the music of your life
The sweet seduction of your soul
Don't be consumed by the world you were born into
Run towards the horizon and jump into it
Never lose yourself
Listen to HIM
Listen to the violinist play on
He knows the truth
He understands life
He is guiding you
He is telling you to live
Do not be consumed by the world
Even the softest of instruments can be heard in a storm

There once was a boy named Sam
He worked in a store selling ham
He decided to quit
Left lickity split
Now he lives in a basement eating SPAM

I'm still feeling pretty crappy ... the cramps and such aren't helping ... I wish I could fall back asleep ... I've had about 4 hours ... lol last night Beaches was on so I sat up and bawled watching it ... rather amusing for anyone watching me

I hate depression

Things have been okay I guess. I battled through a depression period ... in fact I am still battling ... Right now I've got some serious brain stimulation ... like ... things have just been flipped upside down ... some of that "dealing" was really pushing ... and as we all know ... pushing things back isn't good ... pretending things dont exist isnt good ... You know we take a lot for granted ... everyone does ... and I took something for granted recently ... I turned something so extravagant and beautiful ... into a million pieces ... and now I am trying to patch things up as best as I can ... but it's like im building a sand castle with dry sand ... I feel so lost ... and I keep trying to reach out and theres nothing there ... and now Im pannicking ... reaching ... reaching ... all there is, is air. I feel like I brought this upon myself ... I feel that I tried too hard and pushed too much ... I feel like I became something I don't like ... human ... I wanted to stick labels to things ... I wanted to KNOW ... OUr fatal mistake ...we want to know everything ... we want to know why we exist ... which is to live ... isn't it? ... why would we be made only to try and find out why we were made? ... does that make sense ... Whatever .. All I know ... is I don't have to understand ... I have to accept ... It's too bad I learnt this so late ... SO yes ... when you find something beautiful ... enjoy it ... becareful you dont ruin it ... and although you can't make the most intricate sand castle from dry sand ... look closer ... look at the mound of sand infront of you ... look at what it contains ...