I had a great night out. At times it seemed a little boring and when I sat back to think ... I realized it was because we were growing and becoming more mature ... the things that were once amusing, are not. I have a new crush, but I don't want to obsess over her and get hurt AGAIN ... but I really do like her and I think she knows it. *shrugs* What can you do? I can't help who I fall for, especially when it isn't totally based on looks ... *shakes fist* ... Anyways, tonight was fun and I was crazy as always. We played charades and it was amazing

Despite not taking my medication and the store being busier than ever ... I had a pretty good night.

A while ago Lisa and I were talking upstairs about how my family had to pay $2100 for a piece of equipment that my sister needed, or else we would not be able to have a nursing staff at my house. Lisa went to a manager and told him of this soon later they were organizing different events to raise money. A long time had passed and I didn't know what to think about not hearing anything from them ... and then tonight happened. Dan called an evening meeting rather early tonight and during it I was half in my own little world and dancing with Roxanne. Then Dan spoke about how they had been working earlier on to raise money and that Wal-Mart co matched what they raised. He then asked me to explain to everyone about why they were doing it and what they did ... Then Dan presented me with a cheque for $2084, I shook his hand and took it from him while everyone clapped. Then I looked and around and said thank you ... and went to make a speech about how much it meant ... and I started to cry and could basically only spit out another couple thank yous. Everyone smiled and a few people looked like they were going to cry ... then we were dismissed and I ran to the front door before Lisa could leave and I gave her a hug and showed her the cheque. I went upstairs and everyone was all happy for me and I just kept having tears swell in my eyes ... I just want to say thank you to EVERYONE ... everyone that supports me each and every day ... thank you for being a part of my life.

I AM IN A FANTASTIC MOOD ...
I've been working a lot lately but I don't mind, especially when I work with a few cuties. One of which asked me to a get together on Sunday (my 20th birthday). There are a group of gals from work that are going to get together, so I'm going to go. It should be fun to see them all outside of work. Especially ... well y'all know who ... and that is who asked me ... and can I just say I almost passed out ... I was so happy and giggly ... so was she ... actually it was Bedrana that almost told me ... and then she threw the phone at Holly ... who giggled and everything as she told me *dreamy sigh* ... Bedrana is still set on finding out if Holly is gay ... it's rather amusing ... and I adore her for it ... *giggles* .. omg Im so hyper ... Okay anyways ...

Ever ask yourself "who am I?" ... Well I have and I have thought and thought, yet I still don't have an answer. Well I have an answer, actually I have a bazillion answers .... it's almost like in Cats ... how they sing about having different names ... I really can't answer who I am ... I can't even answer where I am ... You get it?

Anyways, I wish I was going to Pride this weekend. I think it would have given me something exciting to write for the paper next year ... I'm thinking about tossing in quite a handfull of queer issued articles ... I mean I have to break out of this damn shell that people have put me in. I mean I tried to break out and inform people about Public and private healthcare and Gary told me I was out of my league. Well take a drive down the fucking street and tell me it isn't something EVERYONE should be aware of ... sad part being I wrote my article a YEAR ago ... *bows* ... Don't they realize that I have connections ... that I had the minister of health and the chair of CUPE ready to talk to me ... but because gary decided that I was "out of my league" I didn't persue it ... anyways, I seem to gone off the track ... but I could get some awesome photos and write either a bunch of articles on the events and issues that are coming up ... or I could write a column on my first time to Pride ... *giggles* ... anyways ... Im tired and you can probably tell by the way Im typing ... TOOTLES

Well as you all know, my uncle Bob is going to die. It's really taking a toll on me, especially since they don't want to tell him. I believe he should have a say ... and I found out ... that this what happened when my grandfather died. That he just wanted to be let go, he told them to stop and let it happen. I never knew that ... Also my great-grandmother was rushed into the hospital because of her heart. Apparently her blood pressure is high. Poor thing ... she's really sticking in there ... 97 years old and she keeps coming back. It is still unnerving to know that she too is beginning to have a lot of problems with her health. Mom has told me if anyone calls through the night about Bob that I am to wake her up ... Every night it's the same and every night I despise coming home. Tonight Jeff is here again ... I'm losing the fight with him. All I wanted was for him not to stay over so much ... but tonight I walked into the living room ... and there they were eating infront of the tv in just towels ... like fuck ... that's disgusting ... Whatever ... I'm also pissed because mom hasn't been around the house ... and I know it would mean a lot to grandma if she was around a bit more ... to talk and such ... grandma talks to me though ... we have our pop and cookies ... I can see she is warn though ... I hate seeing her like this ... I wish I could do something ... but I can't ... Everyone has been telling me I should go into the doctors again to look about some meds for the periods when I am like this ... *shrugs* ... I guess I should ... but I hate it ... I hate being this way ... I hate the progression ... but everyone knows what's going to happen ... they look at my family ... and soon I will be like them ... taking super strong drugs ... it is in me ... they already know that

I am aware of where I am, but I am unaware of where my mind is. What is the realm of reality and what is not? Is the body stronger than the mind, or the mind stronger than the body? Take your answer and apply it to the first question. Do you really understand yourself? Do you understand what you believe in? I believe I belong in another time period, or atleast I believe I belong in another place. I love my home, but it is not me. Also I have realized that often times I get lost, I forget who I am and my mind, yet again transforms me. In matters of the heart my mind plays harsh tricks and right now I am able to tell you that I enjoy being single, I enjoy flirting with all of the women at work, and I enjoy playing out stories in my mind that allow me to believe that maybe their minds have been sparked. I have also learnt over the years that it is better to be single than to be with somebody that you know you shouldn't be with. I think I'm still having trouble grasping that one, ha ha. It's true though, I have too much life in me to be tied down ... to settle for something when I deserve something else. One day I will find love, but for now I am enjoying being me, a somewhat free spirit ... Hmmm ... I think I want to go to the botanical gardens this weekend or something. Anyone else want to go with me?

http://www.ratemyprofessors.ca/canada/

http://www.ratemyteachers.ca/

A) I have fallen in love with the dog breed Spinoni. They are so cute! Honestly these dogs are absolutely beautiful. I think I am going to live in a little shack in the hills of who knows where, and go for daily walks with my Spinoni (Quince), stopping to sit on a rock beside a little babbling brook, writing stories and poems about all sorts of things (plus do the odd painting)

B) Isn't it funny how we say that we aren't closed minded, but as soon as we visit another place, suddenly we talk about how much more to life there is. Maybe that isn't being close minded, maybe that's being sheltered or unaware. Mind you it is close minded to think that your way of living is the ONLY way of living. I don't know that I'm trying to say. I've basically woken up in the middle of a Dr. Seuss book. Eating green eggs and ham with Sam, a fox in socks and a silly little turtle named yertle

I am in a fantastic mood today.
I've had fun flirting with the girls at work ... and despite a lot of stuff is going on in my life right now, I'm able to deal and move past. I have to say one of the funniest moments was when Bedrana asked if Holly was "like me" and I nearly died. I was like, I don't know, but I certainly wish ... oo oo ... She's such a sweetheart.

There is too much death that I am hearing about. Too much pain and suffering.
My uncle is next. He has 30 - 60 days to live and throughout this he will be in pain and will be suffering. My uncle Bob is a great man ... he really is ... It hasn't really hit me yet ... My grandma told me earlier today that he was sick and that it had something to do with his liver, but she didn't know. They found cancer in his liver, and after running more tests they have found it through out his stomach. He is very very ill. I just ... what do you do when you are told that somebody will die? What do you say to them? What do you say to yourself? What should I do? What can I do? He is 56 years old and has 2 children and 4 grandchildren. Jade calls him dad ... I call him Bob ... He was always the coolest ... Always ready to play ... Always ready to cater to our needs ... He would slip me chocolate and goodies when nobody was watching ... He makes me laugh ... He winks ... tells stories ... sides with me in some conversations ... You've all heard me talk about Bob ... the tiny little uncle from Toronto ... I have to go now ... I have some thinking I need to do

Well ... today was a good day ... especially work ... I flirted a lot ... and Holly was in which made me happier than anything ... damn her for being so cute ... and her laugh is so infectous ... *dreamy sigh* ... soo cute

Well, I had a panic attack last night. I have to admit it feels so good after I have one, I'm finally free of this pressure that holds me down. Last night was crazy for me, I haven't been that depressed for awhile ... I mean, my anxiety has been acting up lately, but last night I hit a new low. I will admit now, I did cut myself. In two places on the back of my wrist where my watch would hide it. They were merely scratches, and there was only a hint of blood. I kind of chickened as I did it. I'm only admitting to it because ... well I don't think I should hide it. I wouldn't do it again. I felt like an idiot after I had my attack, which happened at 11:30pm and lasted until about 12:45 .... it was long, but not as intense as what it can be. I had my mom take me for a drive, which helped.
Anyways, in some ways I felt like an idiot and in other ways I felt okay. I know cutting by no means is healthy but I think I found a new understanding. Basically, I don't blame people for inflicting pain ... I know that occasionally I do. I am a burner ... I burn a candle and drip the wax on me ... I focus on the wax, and the pain from that ... and I can escape my thoughts and I actually am able to sleep a bit better. I don't do things that will do damage and scar permanently, it's merely the pain. The cut was because I wanted to feel pain and I wanted to know ... A) it hurt B) there was blood and C) because of the blood I cant do it again, also I don't want bad scaring so I will stick to burning ... Please don't worry about me though it's not like I always do it ....only when it's really bad ... when I haven't slept ... and when I feel I need to

Oh dear ... my anxiety is really acting up for some unknown reason ... It has been an odd couple of days ... I've just been sailing through them ... unaware of what's around me ... yet analyzing everything ... Does that make sense? ... nothing is sticking ... and I feel empty ... I honestly feel hollow

I fucking hate depression! I hate feeling upset for no reason, I hate being so negative. I despise the thoughts that cross my mind ... Yet, at the same time I absolutely LOVE it!!! It's as if my brain wakes up and SHABANG I just can't stop thinking and analyzing .... more so than usual .... I see so much ... sometimes I think I see more than other people ... but that could just be my arrogance ....
ha ha ha .... Anyways ... I've been working a lot ... MORE MONEY ... so yea ... Fuck me ... fuck my feelings ... fuckity fuck fuckerson ... *bows* ... the end

I feel like shit tonight ... I have ever since I got off of work ... *shakes fist* ... Im sitting here ... debating ... Ive been debating now for 2hrs ... I've cried ... gagged ... and everything else ... fuck I hate the way I am ... I even tried turning on calm music and closing my eyes ... plus I threw in some breathing techniques ... but I cant do it ... I cant ... damn me

I love having crushes :) Especially foreign ones with accents ... ha ha ha ...

Well I figure you've all had enough about me posting about crap. I guess I could tell you about all of the cool and exciting things I've been doing ... which is ... nothing ... abso-fuckinglutely nothing ... here's the list

1. I went to the beach and waded in the water as the sun went down. It was so warm and hazey that you couldn't see TO, it was beautiful though. THe sun was setting and made the lake look pink, purple and blue. The water was cool and the sand felt toasty under my toes. I love burrying my feet as the waves run in on the shore, and I like trying to pull my feet out after awhile.
2. I went to Happy Rolph's with Erin and the kids. I was so happy to see all of the animals back and couldn't help but get excited over all the newborns. We didn't stay with the animals long because we went and played on the playground. I couldn't stop laughing at all the kids ... seriously kids are fun to watch and analyse.
3. I have been working my ass off trying to save up money for my damn camera and stuff. I love work though! Despite all the stress and bickering, I really do enjoy going there. I learn a lot about people, and as we all know it is "people" that fascinate me. OOO ... I've also made some really good friends ... lately I've been talking to Aniko and Roxanne more ... plus I've become a lot closer to Bedrana ... She's such a sweetheart (plus she's fun to flirt with), I only wish people wouldn't take advantage of her.
4. I've been really artsy ... painting, writing ... *shrugs*
5. Enjoyed one of the most beautiful nights. Despite this intense heat, I found last night to be amazing. Joey, Erin and I went to a park and I ended up laying on top of a tunnel, staring at the stars ... then we walked a little ways to what had to have been the most amazing park EVER ... Ummm ... yea ... I like going to parks
6. Had my first carousel ride of the year, and it was free. We caught the last ride of the night ... and although I got a stationary horse, I was pretty damn happy. Oh how I love that carousel ... the colors, the horses, the sounds, the smells ... *dreamy sigh* ...

I hurt ... a lot ... I just ... I'm just a whiney little brat ...
I just I feel so alone .. this is the time where mom would have made Ed stay until 12 and she would have taken me for a drive because Im so depressed and my nerves are bad (im twitching) ... instead she forgot to pick me up and came home again with Jeff ... he's sleeping here again ... I didn't sleep last night (maybe 3hrs tops) because of it ... I dont like strangers in my house ... I cant stand it ... and my nerves are bad because I haven't had any sleep ... I miss my mom ... I am extremely lonely right now ... this entire Jeff thing has gone way to far too quickly ... my mom is my mom first and I was hoping she'd respect my feelings ... listen to me a bit ... but she ISNT AT ALL ........ and just ... I'm just in a rut and making a big deal of it like I always do

This weightloss things feels pretty damn good ... Other than running through the woods like a moron ... I haven't anything differently ...I'm eating pretty well the same ... I'm still doing my push ups and sit ups ... *shrugs* ... just wait till my pool opens up *dreamy sigh* ... THE FISH WILL BE BACK ... with my fancy schmancy nose plug and goggles ... I know I look hott in them ... lmao ... I wish they'd start getting the pool ready now ... Hell I'd help them do it ... *giggles* ... oh how I love my pool ...

Still feeling good ... especially looking in the mirror and seeing all of the weight I've lost ... mind you the extra skin is kinda disgusting ... I've also found somebody *gasp* ... well I mean it's not like something official or anything ... I've just found somebody ... and this is just what I need ... a nice balance in my life ... and something to quench my thirst *licks lips* mua ha ha ha ... that is all I shall say about that ... Good day

Well, I guess I'll talk about some of the other STUFF going round and round in my head. Including that I want to become more active in the community SO ... Linz asked me to join some volunteer things with a bunch of elderly women ... Also Clelia asked me to start going to Madamoiselle ... and ... umm ... I work A LOT more ... and I go out a lot more ... and yes ... I believe I may even start reading again ... PHEW ... that sounds like a lot of shit ... *shrugs* ... Plus I am going away for a week in July which will be fucking awesome ... ah yes ... getting away with my buddies ... BOO YA ... Bring on the drunken row boat rides!!!!!!!!!!

Well I work tomorrow and I have to remember to bring that stuff for Roxy, Thursday I watch the little ones. They aren't going to let Conor go to the visitation but they are going to ask Jordan if she wants to go. I'm expecting them to be very mellow and apparently they are asking questions. Erin says that Conor will be happy playing Playstation if I play with him, and Jordan just likes talking ... Friday morning I watch the little ones again during the actual funeral and I may watch them during the after funeral get together... then I work all night ... Saturday Craig is coming down ... so I will recieve one of his superfantastic hugs ... and I get to go pant shopping with him and Erin ... joyous ... then I work ... Sunday I work and then I spend more time with Erin and her Beau .. Mom should be happy to have the house mostly to herself ... blah ... you know I was feeling so lonely for awhile there ... but I'm feeling good now ... he he he ... YOU ROCK!