Well, I had a panic attack last night. I have to admit it feels so good after I have one, I'm finally free of this pressure that holds me down. Last night was crazy for me, I haven't been that depressed for awhile ... I mean, my anxiety has been acting up lately, but last night I hit a new low. I will admit now, I did cut myself. In two places on the back of my wrist where my watch would hide it. They were merely scratches, and there was only a hint of blood. I kind of chickened as I did it. I'm only admitting to it because ... well I don't think I should hide it. I wouldn't do it again. I felt like an idiot after I had my attack, which happened at 11:30pm and lasted until about 12:45 .... it was long, but not as intense as what it can be. I had my mom take me for a drive, which helped.
Anyways, in some ways I felt like an idiot and in other ways I felt okay. I know cutting by no means is healthy but I think I found a new understanding. Basically, I don't blame people for inflicting pain ... I know that occasionally I do. I am a burner ... I burn a candle and drip the wax on me ... I focus on the wax, and the pain from that ... and I can escape my thoughts and I actually am able to sleep a bit better. I don't do things that will do damage and scar permanently, it's merely the pain. The cut was because I wanted to feel pain and I wanted to know ... A) it hurt B) there was blood and C) because of the blood I cant do it again, also I don't want bad scaring so I will stick to burning ... Please don't worry about me though it's not like I always do it ....only when it's really bad ... when I haven't slept ... and when I feel I need to
posted by Tall Girl @ 9:51 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
How can we not worry about you? You have enough people who've hurt you in the past & in the present. why do you need to hurt yourself? Yes even if burning doesn't scar you on the outside, it's scaring you in the inside. what's to stop you next time, now that you've tried cutting? You need to deal with the pain that's causing you to burn & cut, not just transfer it from the inside to outside pain. If you need to talk about it, I'm here for you, & I'm sure some of your other friends are too. Julie.
I, am stopping myself. I realized the mistake I made, but at the same time I realized the control that I have over myself.
It's hard to convey.
Pain isn't always bad ... it doesn't always bring bad things ... pain isnt bad
I don't understand how buring yourself gives you a sense of control over yourself, but as you said it is hard to convey. Are you stopping the burining or just the cutting?
I also realize that pain isn't always bad, but I think it's in dealing with that pain & the healing after that's the good part. Pain is there for a reason & I think it's to tell us that something is wrong. I think that holding on or continuing it only makes the pain worse, or creates a new type of pain.
I think it's great that you're getting to know yourself better. So many things can be accomplished when you know yourself. Julie
I'm never cutting myself again. I barely scratched myself and I wont ever do it ... this may sound stupid, but I didn't have a lighter to light a candle so that's what happened.
I dont burn all the time, actually I hardly ever do it. That's what I mean when I say I have control, I only do it when I feel I need to. It gives my brain a break and in that time ... I'm so focused I calm down
I understand better now & I'm glad that you won't cut yourself again & that you hardly ever burn yourself. I guess we all have our quirky ways of claming ourselves :) I was just concerned when I read your way has the possiblity to be so destructive to yourself. I'm sure I speak for all of your friends when I say we want you around for a little while yet. the world just wouldn't be the same without you.
Julie
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