My life sucks at the moment .... I work the next 8 days straight ... the uncle that is dying was in a car accident today with a minister ... my aunt is coming back on Sunday night ... and my sister has a fracture in her spine ...

When my mom picked me up from work she decided to tell me all of this and also told me she would not be home so I am supposed to look after everything ... including helping grandma with my sister ... who can hardly be moved. She is going to see some top dog on monday or something because she has a fracture in her spine that is piching a nerve ...

My sister has possibly hit the stage my family has feared ... and looking at my mom I know that I'm going to need all the strength I have... My sister has hit her puberty period ... her body is changing and it cannot handle it ... this is just the start and once she goes to the specialist ... we will know what to expect and how bad things really are ... so yea ...

I don't think I will ever understand the world until I experience it. I live in such a sheltered place and I have allowed myself to live in a hole. One day I will be able to emerge, but for now, I still have a lot to figure out. I think I'm slowly creeping to the edge of my rabbit hole of life, but Im just not there yet. I have more to learn, I have more to do in preparation, especially in preparing my mind.

Well I had an amazing night. I went to My COttage with a few friends. I've never really been out to a club. I'm usually too afraid. I finally got up enough courage. I did have a few pannicky moments. I looked at the faces around me though, and I knew I was safe. Nimisha, Lisa, Lindsay, Greg, Maryann and Mac all came out. Lisa ended up driving me home and I'm terrified what I said. My alcohol and meds kinda mixed so I was really fucked in the head, plus we had been standing under the speakers so I was deaf. Meh, I hugged her before I got out of the car, but she hugged me back so I think it was fine. ooo ... in other crush news ... I believe April is back from her 2 week vacay, so my nightly harassments will be starting up again HAHAHAHAHA Oh, how I have missed her

*sings* CAUSE I GOT FRIENDS IN LOOOOW PLACES

Today was an extremely stressful day though. A lot of yelling and cursing ... worst of all ... pain. It started late because we all slept in, then whilst getting ready Dar called and said Sherry was talking to her and she said all this shit. SO mom started getting EVEN PISSIER, she was already stressing out about goodness knows what. She told me she wished I'd move out ... lately Ive been thinking about it. I've been thinking I may get a full-time job, save ... not go back to school for another year or two ... and set up my own place ...I would be happy with a bedroom, kitchen and bathroom ... honestly ... if there is a living room ... all the better because it'll serve as a place for guests and my office area ... where I will write and do photo stuff when I'm not at work ... I think I could pull it off ... I just dont how much longer I can live here ... honestly I could scream

I'm trying to keep myself calm and busy. Tomorrow my family is going to Toronto to visit some relatives, and basically, when we leave this time ... saying good-bye to my uncle ... well ... it'll really mean good-bye. I'm not afraid of seeing him or talking to him. I'm afraid of saying good-bye when I leave. I'm afraid I won't be able to. I'm afraid of crying infront of him. I am afraid of crying in the car and making the others cry. Basically that is occupying my mind.
Im supposed to go out tonight ... and I really need it. I just want to relax

Today was an interesting day ... I went to an old friend's ... talked to an ex ... felt really happy ... cried ... got angry ... saw some breasts in a movie that made me laugh ... ate pizza with Jeff ... wrote a bit ... started to clean then fell asleep ... did a lot of blabbering about goodness knows what ... and now I am baking in my super hot room ... O O ... and my brain is fried from the amount of sun I got

http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1399581

You know what makes me happy? People ... my imagination ... everything really

I see a pink puddle on the floor ... when I look into it ... I see my reflection ... and then it splashes up and pulls me in ... and now I am swimming in a pink sea ... I sea turqouise fish with gold patterns swimming past ... and a purple dolphin offers me a ride on his fin ... I hold on and we move so quickly everything is a blur ... and suddenly I'm stuck in this current ... being sucked down and when I hit the bottom I just spout out a faucet into a cup and a purple ice cube gets dropped into the cup ... I shimmy up the straw and climb on top of the little umbrella in the drink ... I go to jump and I fall into some LONG grass ... where I run ... I run into the forest ... that's it

Well, yet another day has passed. Im tired again ... to tired to right that blurb about children's books ... but today I walked to the mall baught the Roald Dahl Treasury and then ate in the food court ... that was the first time I have ever eaten in the food court alone .... it was so strange ... but I rather enjoyed it? What the hell is going on with me?

*jumps around* Im in a better mood. Trisha came over and we watched a few episodes of Sex and the City ... good times!
I'm currently fish sitting Megan's fish ... Arturo ... funniest damn fish in the world. He stares at you and tries to jump out of the tank ... he loves me though ... when I walk close to the tank he comes to see me ... I also put a new toy in the tank and he LOVES it. He swims all through it and has found a special spot to sleep. I went to see if he was ok and he looked pissed that I woke him up.
I've taken to reading children's books ... and I have a big long posty thingy in my head ... but as always ... Im too tired to type it up now ... so call me or wait ... ha ha .... I work tomorrow at 3:30 ... but I might go for a swim before hand ... Goodness knows I love my pool ...

I am so fucking fed up with this shit ... so mom and Jeff are getting ready to go out tonight ... mom just finished painting her nails and cant find her keys so she asks me to help ... I search and she's getting more and more frantic ... then she yells to Jeff but called him David, my fathers name ... then she looks at me and yells at me about making her so upset that she would say that ... I didn't fucking do anything ... I was trying to help find keys ... UGH ... IM so pissed off because I hate anything to do with being called or linked to my father ...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wasnt that great. I laughed, felt sad ... but it wasn't magical. The movie lacked the X factor and despite you may all think I was being hard on it because I liked the original .... I wasn't. It was good, but not great. They had the ability to create a masterpiece, to push peoples imaginations and rework a beautiful story. Instead it was created for the audience and marketing, which worked because I spent $25 on candy before I went ... mind you it was fun watching everyone eat their wonka bars ... and I also enjoyed having Lisa and Nimisha on either side of me. They both have infectious laughs .... makes me want to hug them, but I refrained ... till Nimisha dropped me off.
I'll post more about it tomorrow, my head is still really hurting and Im a bit worried because I forget what time I work at tomorrow ... I BELIEVE 2:00

I am going places. Photography is going to take me

Please remember to post your name along with any comments you make, unless you are afraid of something

Feeling really fucked in the head right now ... I missed taking my pill today and I slept a lot ... PLUS I took yesterday's pill REALLY early ... so yea ... Im on some other planet right now ... I feel so weird and yet mom doesnt seem to care ... Im really hating this. Yes everyone I am upset that my mother doesnt pay half as much attention to me as she used to ... instead she pays attention to the big dufus that acts like a fucking 13 year old WHICH is the years that seperate them. I want to go for a drive but Im not even going to ask because I know the answer and since she knows I forgot my pill she will only blame me ... which I already know is true and dont feel like discussing to great lengths ... I hate that it was me that did this ... I let myself lose control ... ah yes ... here it comes the ever so wonderful anxiety attack ... my head begins to ache and feels like it is going to explode ... I can find every pressure point because the lumps on my head turn hard ... my body begins to twitch every so often ... and I shiver despite my room is hotter than hell ... and here comes the fun part ... the crying ... having no control over my tears and I cant even feel them when I wipe my eyes because my hands and fingers are numb ... the words that I am writing are numb because I cant even feel the keys moving ... it's like Im trapped in a box peeking out a tiny hole that lets air in for me to breathe ... only a little air though ... my chest pounds with every breathe ... and the pain in my head becomes unbearable ... I have to go shower now ... water is the one thing other than a drive that can help me now

Blogger Survey


Ethics/Personal Life:

Has a blog post ever got you into trouble?
Of course because I keep an extremely personal blog. I write everything that I shouldn't, because I can't help myself. In moments of weakness and anger I write and then people get upset ... I'm not itentionally trying to hurt anyone, but it happens

How many people do you know face-to-face who read your weblog?
There are a few people that I know of Megan, Kelly, Julie, Bethany and well ... I really don't know other than that.

Do you modify or delete posts? How often? Why?
Believe it or not, sometimes I do delete and edit my posts. I mean if somebody is hurt by something I said in a fit of rage and asks me to take it down, I will. As for editing, yes ... I occasionally edit different posts.

How much is your weblog a part of your personal identity? Do you feel like people who don't know about your blog don't really know you?
Of course my blog is a part of my identity, that's why I keep it and write such personal things. I mean, it's an outlet for me. I don't have a lot of personal space and I consider this to be MY space, where I can basically do what I want and release myself and my thoughts

How has blogging changed your life?
Blogging has given me the ability to be myself and not be afraid. I write things in here that I would never have the guts to say and sometimes it provides some interesting conversation.

Technical/Design:

Do you know how to code at all? Did you learn how to code by blogging?
I plug in random things and it works. I added links, colors and pictures to my blog and to me that was quite an accomplishment

What weblogging tool do you use and why?
I use blogger.com and I love it ... despite the occasional system crashes and what not

Does the design seem like something that is just something that has to be dispensed with in order to be able to write publicly, or is your design an integral part of your writing and presentation?
Hmmm ... Honestly there isn't much of a design to my blog in any aspect. It reflects who I am and my likes but other than that it was a basic template I tweeked

How many times have you changed your weblog design entirely (or nearly so)?
I believe this is the third time

Readership/Motiviation:

How many people would you guess (educated guess based on hit counts/logfiles) read your weblog on a weekly basis at least?
I have no friggin clue other than the 4 or 5 I mentioned earlier on.

What have you done to get more people to look at your site?
I haven't done anything other than link myself through a friends site

What one or two characteristics make a blog really popular? Are there things that you could do to have more people read your weblog that you conciously do not do? Why?

I think a blog becomes popular when it is well written and people can relate to it. Something that makes you think and has a little bit of a flair because in all honesty we tend drift towards pretty looking things, despite we want to be original.

What really popular weblog do you think most deserves it...and/or least deserves it?
Yet again, I have no idea.

How do you feel about your readership? What makes for a quality readership to you?
My readership eh? Becareful or this could all go straight to my head and I'll turn into an egotystical bitch. Anyways, I know my friends read this a lot and I love it, I love knowing that they find me interesting and WANT to know what I have to say, despite that most of the time Im just rambling about goodness knows what

Influence of Other Bloggers:

What other blogger is most responsible for you starting your own weblog?
A friend Gen Storm had created a blog and I started reading and from there I branched out into reading other blogs. I love reading about other people and realizing that Im not alone in this world. That there are MANY other people that have hidden lives that just want to break out.

Who was the first other blogger (that you know of) who put you on their sidebar, and how did you feel? I believe it was Megan that linked me on her site and that excited me a lot .... Theresa added me to her blog and it felt good to know she thought of me so highly. Hence why I was depressed when I realized she removed my name

What other blogger do you most admire for her writing skills?
Hmmm ... Im not sure because ... WAIT ... Caitlin ... Caitlin is a fucking genious! I absolutely adore her writing style and her outlook on life. She was somebody that made me feel good about myself, somebody that pushed me to go further ... She is omebody I am glad to call a friend

Who is a blogger that you think is really good but doesn't get nearly the attention they are worthy of?
Caitlin ... I mean ... her and I just have blogs for the sake of having them.

What one or two characteristics define a really quality blog (in your humble opinion, of course)?
Updates, design, writing style, links, add ons ... *shrugs*

We are the only ones to blame for being miserable, I mean ... we have the ability to change the things around us. We can't change fate, but we CAN live. We can live life with smaller amounts of fear, if only we could tell ourselves that life is meant to be lived by ourselves ... do you understand? Don't let other people tell you how to live, don't live for other people. Who is to say that wishes don't come true, that you can't do certain things ... who really knows our limits? Nobody does, science is proving that. We are doing more and more ... ha ha ... who is to say? Who is to say that you have to be a part of the boring "reality" that people have created? Why can't you move to some area and just live ... work for YOURSELF ... create your own existence ... Who is to say that life in this "reality" can't be fun? Sure there are a lot of rules, but rules can be bent. Create, live, LEARN .... for you must carry knowledge about the world around you if you hope to live ... knowledge is important, it helps you imagine. Knowledge expans your brain and your abilities ..... what you see wont always define the explanation of it ... for if you know more about it ... you can live with it ... whatever it might be ... ha ha ha... freedom is atainable .... we just dont allow ourselves to believe so ...

PURE IMAGINATION

I know I have posted the lyrics before ... but I have to keep doing it ... I mean, my blog IS named after this song ha ha ha

Willy Wonka:
[Spoken]
Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

[Sung]
Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

I have a bazillion different thoughts running through my head tonight. I want to write them down, but I just can't seem to focus long enough to spit anything out, atleast anything that makes sense.
I was thinking about imagination earlier, and I am so tired right now that I can't finish my little speech about it, so tomorrow morning I will try.
Also tomorrow I will tell you about my spontanious tarot card reading that has scared the crap out of me

Currently I am watching Willy Wonka ... and can I just say I love that movie. I absolutely LOVE IT! The song Pure Imagination, the oompa loompas, chocolate rivers, golden tickets ... a world of ... a world of pure imagination ... I live by this. One of the most beautiful things in the world is the human imagination. SOmething that has to be nourished ... just like the movie reveals ... oh ... I absolutely love it. He lived happily ever after ... like ... what an amazing last line for the movie ... *falls over* ... if you want to view paradise simply look around and do it ... People laugh at me because of the things I say and such ... the stories I create ... the voices I do ... but ... it's fun ... it makes me happy ... Im going to type more later .. but thats what's on my mind

I could really go for some cherries, watermelon and ... hmm ... PEACHES ... I want it to be time for the peach festival! I love going down to NOTL for the festival and stopping at all the little stands, picking up random fruits (that's how my family got me).
Anyways, I'm thinking I want to go swimming but I despise going to the pool on my own. I also feel like going to the cemetery today to put out flowers on grandpa and Tammy's graves. I believe Tammy's birthday is coming up, so everyone will be putting out flowers ... I think this year it will be strange visiting there. I mean, because of uncle Bob. I wish I could erase the thoughts, but I can't. I can't get over that somebody I love so much only has so long to live.

You know what angers me? When people attempt to dignify their actions and give really crap ass answers. Atleast admit that you are being a selfish little brat ... honestly I don't understand how people can be so selfish constantly. Give it a rest and grow up. Don't act like I'm the one that needs to grow up ... I mean I KNOW I do ... but so do you. Don't look down at me, because atleast I can admit things. I'm not up on some fucking high horse, that has gone lame. *shakes head*
People are constantly talking about eachother and pointing out eachothers faults, but are too damn ignorant to point out their own faults. They become hypocrits and believe they are correct. I'm bullheaded, but I give in, I admit when I am wrong (which is a lot).
THEN people have negative outlooks on people ... *bows* yes I am proving this point ... but like ... why? Why are we so damn harsh on eachother?

Things have been fantastic!!!
The party on Sunday was absolutely amazing, and just like I said ... Lisa hugged me, passed an ice cube to me with her mouth AND let me spank her ass ... So, yea ... things are going well ... ha ha ha ... So many memorable moments that I kinda feel like listing off ... but Im really tired right now ... I drank more than I ever have and I was fine ... I mean I remember everything (except hugging Lisa good bye but she says I made sure I did) ... ummm ... I've also done a lot of other exciting stuff ... but yea ... after swimming and shopping ... Im going to bed

Im so excited for tonight ... if Lisa hugs me when she says Happy Birthday or gives me a card ... I think I will die ... currently Im freaking because her msn name says happy birthdya to me ... lol ... she's sooo cute

Counting down until the luau ... *giggles* ... I am sooooo excited ... Lisa Lisa Liiiisa

Anyways, I didn't really post much about last night, so I'll fill you in a bit more. Last night was the annual shin dig at Christina's place. We went to the carnival at 4:30 Nimisha, Megan, Lauren, Stefan (sp?), Lindsay and Greg ... as always I held on to everyone's purses and what have you. I took a few pictures that I might post later on if I have a chance ... Megan played a game and won a vagina monkey ... HONESTLY the monkey's belly button looks like a vagina!!! We all couldn't stop laughing about it later on. Anyways, we went to Da Pizza Joint and near the end Lisa called and Nimisha and I flew out the door to meet her outside. *giggles* Anyways so then Lisa and her friend Andrea joined us and we went for a ride on the carousel ... Lisa didn't come on despite I REALLY REALLY wanted her to ... I mean I didn't tell her I really wanted her to ... but yea ... ha ha ... ANYWAYS ... after that we went to Christina's place. We ate a lot and played a bit of ping pong. Lisa and I against whomever wanted to join in ... lmao ... SOOOO FUNNY ... I swear she was going to hit her head off the shelf a few times ... damn her for being so cute .... OKAY ... so then Erin came and we ate then played charades ... *bows* ... I my friends, am the most amazing charades player. LMAO ... Flash dance, dirty dancing, go go girl, and a bunch of other strange dance ones. Lisa kept laughing at me and my stupidity ... but whatever ... it was fun and she is cute .. so she can laugh all she likes

The basic principal that I just dont seem to be able to grasp is that confidence is attractive ... and I'm slowly working on that. I think I'm ready to take a leap. I think it's time I stop freaking out about the unknown, cause how will I ever learn anything. I shouldn't worry because despite sometimes I won't hit the target and sometimes ... hell ... the fall will damn right hurt ... I've got my mind and my friends to help get back up. I'm carrying myself in a whole new way and I love it!!!
Yes, we have seen the physical changes and now here comes the mental. *bows* ... Sure it may take a while to totally get this ball rolling ... but I think this weekend will prove to be a good place to start .... I will take a few risks ... I will jump free of my shell ... and who knows where that will land me ... ha ha ha
I love it!!!! A good dose of confidence and a little incentive goes a long way *wink*

Scariest damn dream

I'm driving with Joey and we go over a bridge and there is a bit of a turn on it. We hit the guard rail and go over, as we are falling I yell out "so this is what happens before you die" ... but then we both manage to live