Well another day has come ... but it hasn't gone yet!!! Ha ha ha ... Tonight I have a retirement party to go to. One of the ladies at mom's work is leaving ... I've known her since I was little. She was on the executive of CUPE (at hotel dieu) and would hold some of the meetings at her house. She created this briefcase of colouring stuff for me and has a BIG black lab that would keep me company. I used to ALWAYS fall asleep during the meeting and somebody (usually Henry) would have to carry me to the car. Well, tonight I get to mingle with the old gang and mom's friends from work ... I hope to hell that Denise is there so atleast there is one person my age that I know

I would like to remind you all to post your names at the end of every post. If you do not, I will be forced to change my settings to members only and then friends only

The Surprise! Dyke 70% The Student Dyke 65% The Sprightly Elfin Femme 55% The Granola Dyke 40% The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke 40% The Pretty-Boi Dyke 35% The Bohemian Dyke 15% The Magic Earring Ken Dyke 5% The Femme Fatale 5% The Quasi-Gothic Femme 5% The Stud 5% The Hipster Dyke 0% The Little-Boy Dyke 0% What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com

This is my life
This is who I am
I am an angel
Cast upon the earth

My reflection shows darkness,
but I am full of light
A light that does not fill you,
for you do not believe

I love for love
I don't base my love on appearance
I don't base it upon ideals
I base my love on people

I am forced to hear the bells
I am forced to bathe in acidic waters
You are mistaken if you believe this will change me
For I am who I am

I am an angel on earth
An angel that loves
An angel that lives
An angel that hurts

My pain is for you
For those that cast stones
That taunt and tease
People that point fingers,
at things they don't understand

I wish you could love
I wish you could grow
Look past the words printed on paper,
and look to what is true

I am in love with a woman
I am happy
I am living
I am gay

Lately I have been writing in a little purple book, instead of on here. It's more convenient. I carry it around everywhere now and just write down random thoughts as they pop into my head. I write down my feelings aswell ... lately Ive been going through another roller coaster of emotions, but Im still on the track, so no worries.

Anyways, lately things have been okay.
Had a pannic attack and went into the ER, but things were fine after they drugged me up.
Went to see the exorcism of emily rose with Shebana. I had a good time and it was an interesting movie. Shebana held on to me the entire movie and then we went out to Starbucks for a while.
I worked a lot and got a lot done AT work. My department manager loves me and I love the people I work with ... so im happy
Went to a bar with Dar, Jeff and mom ... got giggly off of ONE smirnoff cause I hadnt eaten all day ... So I did a little flirting with the waitress (wasnt anything obvious) and then went for a walk up and down clifton hill and by the falls, Im sure I fraightened many tourists.
Then I went to a pub in Hess village last night to see the band Kitchen Party. Had a blast!!!! I went with mom and Dar but I love pub life so much I didnt give a shit, plus mom paid for my drinks. I will fess up to a strange thing. As we all know I am a lesbian ... well there was an older woman there that I merely wanted to have a fling with ... Her eyes were green and sparkled like you wouldn't believe, but her pupils were large and black ... She had shortish hair and a big smile on her face ... I had fun doing the good ol eye contact routine but couldnt get up the courage to even wink ... or walk to the bathroom suggestively ... ha ha ha ... Anyways ... today I went to Trisha's and watched a bunch of movies and had dinner with the family ... it was fun ... I felt bad cause she just got out of the hospital because she passed a kidney stone ... which I know hurts like a son of a bitch
I ALSO bought a fish ... a fishy named Vibby or Vibbz or Vibbzy ... lmao ... she's a fat goldfish that I adore and will tell you more about later on
Anyways ... I have some really deep thought provoking shit that I want to spit out ... but as you can see I am too damn tired to type ... so Ill do it tomorrow

On a lighter note ...

I want to live in a little gay area. Im watching The "L" Word and it's just so damn appealing. Tonight they were looking at the gay tree ... and zoomed in on MY name ... Yes folks ... Gillian is a part of the lesbian tree *giggles* ...

Secondly ... I love my little crushes ... Im enjoying the company of a few certain women ... playing out ending in my head ... NOT LIKE THAT ... It's fun and harmless ... Im not totally hung up on these girls ... there are one or two that are really special to me ... but I try to distance myself ... ha ha ha ... which pulls me closer ... damn me and my softness

People disgust me. Their arrogance and general lack of respect for others.
Today I feel violated. I feel dirty and disgusting. I can't seem to get comfortable in my own skin. I can't stand being anywhere but my room, with the door closed.
How could they think it's funny? How could they find my quirks something to screw around with? Why would my own mother try to make me upset, and watch as I start to tear up? She knows what I value. She knows I have issues with space and privacy. How could she?
My mother and Jeff have decided to have a fuck fest. This morning my aunt and I said that we were uncomfortable sitting on the furniture and such. We said we've both chosen specific spots. My mother continued to laugh and say oh, we've used that too, we've done it everywhere. She watched as I squirmed and turned white. She knows I have issues and snickered when I got up and left the room.
I don't understand what has happened to my mother. I always got a long with her. We always understood eachother and now she seems to be doing everything in her power to upset me. Today she told me I have to pay her $80 a month, when I already pay for my own food, gas and such. I told her about my plan to save for moving out and she laughed about that. She doesnt think I can do it, nor does she want me too. She doesn't want me to have to go through working and living paycheque to paycheque. Yet she pulls stunts like these. She pushes me to the breaking point then backs off to point and laugh. It's not just her either. Jeff does EVERYTHING in his power to show me that I am nothing. To laugh about how he has worked all his life and why should he have to work now? To make fun of my quirks. To prove that he has first pick. I have been bumped down in my importance in this house ... and I normally wouldnt believe that, but my mother is solidifying things

For the past few days I have been having dreams ... nightmares you could say ... about my breasts. In the first dream I remember my right breast was solid. I tried to massage it but I couldn't because it was so hard and painful. The second dream was last night. I was wearing a low necked shirt and I saw a purple outline down my chest. I erased half of the line, but the right side I couldn't even touch because it was so tender.

Paint tube orgasms signal the artistic consumption,
of a female virgin
Colored by a rainbow of body prints,
a blank canvas provides a bed for her abstract pleasures
The lines of love and curves of nature,
blend upon the page with unharnassed emotion
Her trembling flesh,
paints the question
What is art?
The artistic mind explodes beyond reason,
as she enters a new realm of thought
Reality is a haze and as the morning mists
create their masterpiece upon the window
She will paint another original

Flap
Flap
Flap

Belly brushing water
Rising into the air
Another duck leaves the pond,
but only for a while

Flap
Flap
Flap

Soaring above my dreams
Whistling wings she's free
Over the falls and down the rocks,
landing in the lake below

She swims
She frolicks
She preans
She is a duck

Flap Flap
Flap Flap
Flap Flap

Soon she is not alone
She has company
Her family and friends,
have come to be free

Perching on rocks
Feasting from the lake
Swimming amongst the waves
A perfect day away from the pond

She watches the ducklings scurry about
Chirping as they hurry along the waters edge
Chasing the waves but never stepping in,
this is their first time to the lake

She's curious and swims close
She shows them it isn't so hard
Then one duckling jumps in,
and the rest follow

She plays with the young
Then swims far out into the lake
Soon she is tired,
and the sun begins to set

Flap
Flap
Flap

She flies back to her home
Her resting place
The calm pond waters,
that lead to the lake

We are young at heart
We are old in mind
We are confused
We are insiteful

We look both ways before we cross a street
We dive in the shallow end of a pool
We dance on the clouds
We sing in the rain

Our spirits are tied together
Our bodies are synchronized
Our eyes are locked
Our lives are entwined

My love for you
Your love for me
Peace
Happiness

Unspoken words

Well, I've had an interesting couple of days.
I took my sister to McMaster yesterday to A) see a gynacologist and B) enter emerge hoping to get x rays. We were hoping the x rays would show something is wrong INSTEAD of having to wait for a BASIC appointment on Nov.2. It was interesting being there though. Seeing how different that hospital is to ANYTHING in our city. I watched extremely ill patients get pushed around and saw people, that merely clogged the ER for no reason, sit and complain about their aches and pains. I watched a new girl try to fit in desperately trying keep up with the pace, and I saw a cute girl that was a pro at her work. Heard a little boy cry as they pushed and pulled his leg and a man scream and cry when they hooked up a cathader. It was amazing really ... and then I thought about New Orleans and other countries. I thought how protected I am from the harsh realities of the world. I thought of the people complaining whilst others REALLY suffered and I thought about how lucky I am.
Tonight I got bored and went to see March of the Penguins ... I laughed and cried ... It is an amazing story that everyone MUST see

Today I am going to take my sister to McMaster