What do people expect from me? Who am I in their eyes? Who do I want to be?

Vibby died yesterday. I think it was her stomach problem.
Apparently the water also felt warm so that probably didn't help.
I did a lot of crying last night because I wasn't expecting her to die. I figured I had saved her. I knew her stomach was acting up again because she was staying at the bottom, but it wasn't as bad as last time.
People laugh because I am so upset over a "fish", but she was my pet and nothing makes her value any more or less than the next living creature.
Here are my favorite pictures of the old girl
Vibby
Vibby2

A few new things

1. I was in a car accident
2. I have a huge crush on a girl named Lidia
3. I'm having a Halloween party and my house looks kick ass
4. I just got paid and I have $20 to my name
5. Jen now has a third "S" curve in her spine
6. Erin is home for the week
7. I'm working 9 and 8 hour shifts (BOO YA)
8. I have a huge crush on a girl named Lidia
9. I've been working on a couple poems, but haven't finished them
10. I shall be adding 2 more fish to my family.
11. I have a huge crush on Lidia

1. Trisha and I were going to the Pen and she looked down to adjust the heat because the windows were starting to fog ... she drove through a red light and 5 lanes of traffic. It wasn't until the very last lane that we got hit. Everyone was fine but there was damage to both vehicles
2. *giggles*
3. I invited 9 friends over ... we're going on a ghost tour of the downtown area and then coming back to my place
4. I spent $200 on Halloween stuff and I owe OSAP 100 on the 31st
5. My sister went for a fitting for a new wheelchair. The therapist and mom looked at the x rays and various mouldings .... they found a third curve in her spine. This explains the "sickness and cough" my sister has. Her esophagus is not lined up and fluid will go into her lungs ... which drowns her in a way
6. YAY!!!
7. I need the money and I think they realize that because all of the managers have been working with me. April has especially been watching out for me ... and it means a lot.
8. Lidia just started at Wal-Mart and is a front end cashier. She is absolutely adorable! She has these ears that stick out and make me smile ... he he he ... ok I cant talk abou ther because it makes me too giggly
9. I'v ebeen writing a lot but not FINISHING anything. Site
10. I decided Vibby needs friends. I have chosen one already ... he is a deformed fish aswell. He only has one eye and I want to make sure he goes to a place that will take care of him because he is a sweetheart. So ... I SHALL bring him home
11. I know I said I wouldn't talk about her, but I can't help it. I haven't had a crush like this for awhile now and it feels good. There's that little bit of mystery (is she gay) and a WHOLE whack of butterflies. She is a really beautiful girl with some unique features and it's not just her looks that I am attracted to (although her skin, eyes and basically everything on her are amazing). There's just something about her ... if only I had a chance ... *sigh*

Last night I went to a party with my friends. We did the usual hotel thing but we also went to a bar. Everything was strange, everyone seemed to clash at one point or another. I was a raging fire of emotions, but I tried to hide it.
When we went to the bar I was happy. I was pissed off that nobody warned me, because I only had frumpy clothes but Lindsay did my make up in an attempt to make me look decent. Goodness knows how I looked. I had fun for a while dancing and checking out the hotties and then it got a little too packed and I kinda freaked. I walked stepped back to the wall with a friend and just watched everyone ... BIG MISTAKE ... I left myself wide open for thinking time. I began to realize that I was a minority ... I was an invisible minority and as the night went on my thoughts began to unravel.I watched as girls were all over eachother at the bar, but if they were really gay a bunch of people wouldn't tolerate it ... AND if they weren't attractive EVEN MORE people would be disgusted. It hurt me. Then I thought about how I always end up at straight bars, and how Im constantly afraid of who to flirt with, while my other friends are just going crazy. They don't second guess flirting with guys and shit ... I don't know ... and then this thing with sleeping in the same beds as my friends ... I mean I totally have a thing for nimisha and that's been going on longer than my thing for lisa ... yet nimisha will sleep in the same bed as me ... I just dont get it ... im not going to totally come on to you or make a move ... whatever ... nimisha always sleeps with me ... so atleast I wont always get stuck on the floor ...

I'm starting to have wacked out dreams again

2 days ago my dream was ... I was staying at a resort along the water, when suddenly the weather turned for the worst. I looked at the water and it was starting towards us. I remembered my birds were on the balcony so I threw open the door and just as this huge wave was headed at us I threw their cage inside and slammed the door ... I forget what all happened after that

Last night I had a dream that a friend and I were driving through the wilderness. We were going down a hill and then across some water, when I noticed a silver box starting to sink under the waves our truck made ... but there was a dogs head popped out ... we reversed and I swiped it out and quickly released the dog out of the box ... from then on we were trying to find out where it came from. It was something to do with America and it had already been through hell but now somebody was trying to kill it ... ANYWAYS ... It new really cool tricks and could do impersonations ...
Now the first time we saw it it was a dog like benji ... when I rolled it out of the box it was a pug .... then it turned into a parrot ... and finally a sea gull ...

Well, another holiday has come and gone ... and it proved to be as eventful as always. When has a holiday ever been calm at my house? BUT ... this post isn't going to be a rant about my family or the insane life I lead (maybe a little). I figured I've ticked off a few too many people by saying the same things over and over again. Almost like sitting through one of Gary Erb's lectures, just wanting to scream out SHUT UP! Especially seeing as how I really haven't taken any steps to help myself out.

Lately I havent been posting a lot because I have been writing in my little purple book. Poems, stories and a variety of other things. Seems like fall awakens something deep within my belly ... and my heart. I feel that oh so familiar ache and the butterflies are beginning to stir ... THEN KABOOM ... an outpouring of information and thoughts that have been kept locked within me. A constant flow of knowledge, thought and imagination come spewing out of my fingers.

Today I was thinking about the second story that I am starting to write. It's about the paranormal ... especially Halloween. The story will speak of good and evil ... AND POSSIBLY include some TRUE (we can debate that another day) events that have occured to me

I am sitting here listening to an old recording of Puff the Magic Dragon. As you all know I have an EXTREMELY good memory. So here I go ... Im playing a few old songs from my childhood and Im going to type what I remember

Every afternoon we would have a nap time. The teachers would set out our little green cots with a pillow on each and something to keep us warm. We would all scurry around the room choosing where we wanted to sleep and sometimes grabbing a toy to take with us.
Once we were all tucked into our cots the teacher would put on a record of children's songs. Today I remember "Puff the Magic Dragon", "Leaving on a Jetplane", and "If I Had a Hammer". I think it was the Peter, Paul and Mary record.
During the hot summer days there would be either a fan blowing on us, or a breeze coming in from a cracked window. I would crawl under my nice warm sheet and leave only my head, an arm and a leg out to catch the cool breeze.
I felt to secure and happy. I would quickly drift into a dreamland by the third or fourth song and then be awoken by the urge to pee. The teachers always knew when I awoke, I immediately had to go to the bathroom (things haven't changed much).
After nap time we would have a quick drink and a snack, then it was out to the playground to run off our newly gained energy.

I feel sick *whines*

Well, I caught the cold that has been spreading through the city. I feel like crap and don't really feel like posting but I DO have some news.
I have been asked to help counsel children with disabled or ill siblings. I will be part of a commitee that will arrange outings, meetings and generally be there for children that need help. I haven't got all of the information yet, but mom told me a woman was asking her to see if I would. OF COURSE I will !!! I adore children and anything I can do to help them ... I'll do!!!
So now I get to delve into the minds of children, hopefully I'll get some nice artwork to decorate my room with (he he he) This may also open up the door to writing books for children. I mean, I'll even have "test subjects" (LMAO)
I'm so psyched

Peeking into the lives of others. Reading their deepest thoughts that they have beautifully crafted into poems and short stories. Writings that please the senses. Stimulating my mind and taking it to places that are not always travelled. I wish to be an intellect and at the same time I shy away from the realm of knowledge. I see reality and begin to question the things around me. It can be depressing at times. Looking around at the concrete structures that surround me. Watching as humans begin to rapidly destroy the earth. I am lucky to live near fields, forest and lakes ... and I try to enjoy it as much as I can. Then I read the news and watch helplessly they begin to impede on the Grade A soil that lays within our gorund. Sad really. We have become too powerful and are messing with the forces around us too much. Humans were not meant to rule the world. Death is natural and yet we are trying to preserve life far past its expiration date ... then we wonder why we are running out of natural resources. The green that pumps through our veins is what destroys the world around us.