1. My uncle Bob is in his final phases of his battle against cancer. My grandma is going up today to help my aunt and to visit him. I remember 3 months ago saying that he only had a month ... but this time ... we all know the end is very near
2. My sister has a cold, and she better not give it to me
3. Jackie is coming down this weekend and the court date is Dec.12. The stress level is through the roof on that one. After three years this fucking divorce will finally be over, but Im afraid of the outcome
4. Work pissed me off last night. Twice I asked Joe for help and he did hardly anything ... needless to say I was livid. I kinda got pissy with him on the phone.

I'm like a child wishing upon a star or throwing pennies into a well. I keep sending my wishes off but there is nobody there to grant them. Atleast I didn't think there was until I fell in love.
Love to me is the most supreme feeling that a human can feel. You are never truely alive until you feel love.
You are an unfinished puzzle waiting for them to search the toybox for your last piece.
You are the base of a card tower, that can be knocked down at any time by a gust of air, because you aren't protected.
Without love you are not whole. There will always be the feeling of unfulfilment because there is a part of you missing.
Waiting to be filled the hole can be temporarily patched but it hurts when the band aid is torn away. Leaving your flesh red and raw.
Each love is unlike any other, just like snowflakes ... but even more beautiful and rare. Crystalized perfection that not many are able to grasp, because it will melt away too quickly if not cared for, but the essence will always be around. You can never plan a snowfall, just like you can't plan falling in love.
Love catches us all by surprise and can come in any way ... be it an act of kindness, a look, a word, a touch ... Love isn't always like they protray it in movies.
A man (or woman) will not always ride up on a white horse, slay a dragon, ask you to dance or buy you a drink. Love will hit you randomly. You cannot plan. You cannot hide.
Just let it snow

Then I began to cry and whispered "Question 25:How do I stop falling for you?"

I fell in love with somebody I can never be with, and now I am trying to figure out what to do. I can't ignore it, I can't act on it ... I really can't "deal with it" ... So instead I am going to learn how to put my feelings on the back burner.

I'm okay though. Of course I am sad and in a lot of pain, but I am happy.

I've been in heaven!
What is wrong with me? I am not myself at all? Or am I?
What is she doing to me? I never thought I could feel this way ... atleast I never imagined this. I never knew I could completely let down my guard to somebody. She's so beautiful ... I can't explain. Nothing will happen ... but ... I dont care ... and I care ... I just love being with her. I don't have to say anything, she just knows. She doesn't ask about the things I do, she just accepts and then works around them. She is so in tune with every movement I make, with every thing I want ... and almost every thought that crosses my mind. She just looks at me and says ... what ... ha ha ha ... Who knew I could feel okay with who I am? Who knew I could walk through a mall and not give a crap what people are looking at or thinking?
Somebody pull me down off this cloud ... wait don't ... I don't care if some of it is an illusion ... I just love this feeling

So I switched this up a bit



If you comment ....
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a dish I would prepare for you.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you. Answer the question in a comment.

I love this song and it makes me cry ...

"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high, [ - video/radio edited version]
Fucking high, [ - CD version]
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Isn't it strange how you can have the most amazing day and then suddenly find yourself back in your own hell?
I had the most fantastic past 24hrs. I went shopping with Lidia for a dress. She's looking for something for a Christmas party, so I tagged along and critiqued .... plus checked her out. I mean come on, she knew what I was looking at and didn't mind, so no harm. We went for coffee and stayed there for 2 hours talking.
Then I woke up to her calling me to get dressed ... We went out for breakfast, went past the dollar store and then decorated her house. It looks cute I must say ... but there are a few things I have to add.
Her sister and nephew came over for a while and I had a blast. Her sister is HILARIOUS! Did you know that Smirnoff is a fat girls drink???? lol
Well then they left and Lidia and I watched Ellen and Aliens, during which Lidia fell asleep ... then she dropped me off and went to work.

When I got home things got better because Jen was leaving for the weekend, mom and Jeff went out and let me order pizza .... but then Dar came up ... there goes my relaxation period ... and ooo ... I got my period and I couldnt find a pad .. I finally did ... but I was still frusterated and by that point Dar left in a tiffy

Now I am feeling happy ... because Im reflecting

Although it's happening slower than usual, I feel the Christmas spirit consuming me. I don't know if it's because I am aging, or becoming jagged, but I didn't feel the Christmas spirit as strong ... until today when I watched the Macy's parade. I feel just like a child because I get so excited watching, and that's just seeing it on tv. If only I was to be like Susan watching from her window above the parade.
Tonight I'm hoping to go out with Lidia or Trisha, depending on who gets back to me. I must be a pain in their ass cause Im always trying to get them to go out ... I also want to get my mother to drive past the lights in the falls. There is a thin layer of snow ... and that is reason enough to crank up the Christmas tunes and sing our asses off as we drink hot chocolate and take in the lights.
Tomorrow I am going to post some of what I have been writing lately. I put my other stories on hold and began to work on yet ANOTHER piece. This one about a young girl and her feelings about Christmas ... she gets a special present 3 days before Christmas, from a penpal that lives in Scotland ... on Christmas Eve Eve she learns that her friend has been admitted to the hospital after an accident and that special present is going to come in handy when it's mixed with a bit of Christmas magic

True Story

I was at customer service getting my returns and I hear Karen talking to this man about a poncho. I decide that I will go and help him, to save Karen from paging somebody.
The man was in his 40s, spanish and drove a scooter. He wanted a poncho to cover him and his scooter so it wouldnt get wet. I said I understand because it was such a nice scooter. He said I like the best, just like how I have a 2005 model leg. At this moment he twisted his leg and pulled it up 180*s
So if that wasnt enough he went to try on the poncho, he stodd up and was talking about how he got drunk at a local bar. He proceeded to show me how he danced by hopping on 1 leg and throwing the other one around.
He sat down to make sure it fit over everything. He began to tell me how he was lonely because he had no wife.He told me he liked to cook and often cooked too much. "You should come and try my cooking one day." I said, do I look like I need any more food. He said "maybe you have had a few too many plates, but green tea is good for that" He said he would bring me some freshly chopped the next day.
Finally he was packing the poncho up and before he sat down asked if I wanted to try his chair. I said I had to get back to work
Then before we went our seperate ways we said good bye ... and he waved his fake leg at me

*jumps around*
Well Im in a fairly good mood today, despite the night I had. I fell asleep at 3, woke up at 9 because I was having a nightmare about a Tornado. I guess this should be a sign that I need to ease up on watching the news and weather channels. Reminds me of when I watched A&E, TLC and Discovery too much ... SCARRRRRRRRY

Ok something must be wrong with me. It is day three of this sudden, extreme tiredness. I JUST woke up (11:30) and I fell asleep at 1am. Most of you know that I don't usually get more than 4 to 6 hours of sleep, so this is very strange considering I had a 2 hour nap yesterday. ALSO I am actually going to lay down again, because I can't keep my eyes open

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

Things have been going really well lately. I've been hanging out with friends and working quite a bit. Now I am beginning to ponder ...
Once again I have met a bunch of people, and am worried about how they percieve me. I am worried that people take me as a joke. Worried, they think I am merely an overgrown clown or idiot. Since I have said this before, obviously it is the way I present myself. I just don't want people to think of me as a moron. I want them to see me as an equal. I also realize I have to stop joking about myself because it's really unattractive. I point out all my negatives and instead of changing I just keep going like nothing is wrong
Hmmm ... I will write more later because suddenly I cant keep my eyes open

The boxes are in my room and as soon as I pry my eyes open I will begin to decorate ... YAY!!!!!!!!!

YAY THE BOXES ARE OUT AND IT BEGINS TONIGHT!!!!!!
My house is going to be transformed into a winter wonderland! You will ALL have to come over and see it when Im finished .. which wont be until, like, next weekend ... tonight I do the base coat for my room ... dust and clean ... then lights and fake snow ... tomorrow I will proceed with the living room and MY VILLAGE

Ok this is my list of DVDs that I MUST buy ... so if you see them ... tell me how much they are ... or if you are one of the people I am exchanging with ... here are some ideas ... I'll update it ... so make sure to mark this post down

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town
Frosty the Snowman
Frosty Returns
The Little Drummer Boy
White Christmas
Christmas Story
Grinch (both versions)
Charlie Brown
A Muppet Christmas Carol (special edition on Nov 29)
The Year Without a Santa Claus
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
Rudolph's Shiny New Year
Christmas Eve on Sesame Street
Santa Claus- the movie (20th anniversary edition)
A miracle on 34th street (both editions)
All I want for Christmas
Tans Siberian Orchestra- The Ghost of Christmas Eve
The Snowman and Father Christmas
Prancer
A Muppet Family Christmas
Mrs. Santa Claus
Classic Christmas Cartoons
Christmas Cartoon classics (these two are both hard to find ... but a must)
Home Alone 1 and 2
JUDY GARLAND SHOW VOLUME 3 .. THE CHRISTMAS SHOW (if you find this I will love you forever)
A Christmas Carol .. the version with B&W or Color ... I love it so much ... they have a special EMERALD edition at Wally-world

I feel like crap tonight
I had a pretty good day, but work was crazy. This morning I went to the Remembrance Day service in NOTL and then shopping for a bit ... after all of that I came home showered, spent 30 minutes choosing what to wear and went to work. Lidia and I were going to go out tonight, but she was feeling really tired.
You know I can't describe to you guys how things are different this time around. I was all ready to go out with her tonight. I was hardly afraid. I was ready to just have a good time with her and her friends. You all know how I would normally be gagging and freaking out at the IDEA of going out with people I hardly/dont know. Also when we go for coffee, I don't get nervous like I normally would ... and she seems to understand the way that I move around. She knows to walk ahead of me and clear the seat before I sit down in the car .. hell she even seems to know how I like to sit in Timmy's. Mind you being the big baboon I am I stepped on her heal, which Im sure A) really hurt and B) made me look like an ass. Anyways, I've never felt so comfortable with and around a person. She makes me feel so safe and loved ... She's straight, don't get me wrong. Lidia is straight, but knows that I like her. She doesn't even back away from me. So many other people would shy away, but she came closer. *sigh* ... So Im sad I don't get to spend time with her tonight ... Sunday after work we may watch a movie. I'd like that.

I've been in such a terrific mood!
I blame (cant think of the word I wanted) my happiness on the fact things are pretty calm right now, Christmas is coming and I've been keeping busy.
I have also become addicted to coffee, caps and hot chocolate! Ever since Lids and I started going out for coffee, that's all I order when I am out with other people. I had a Kaluha espresso at Timothy's, a chai tea latte at Starbucks and and ever so lovely, coffee with a shot of Bailey's at Slaintes in Hamilton .. plus a bunch of regular hot bevrages in between. (note gift certificates for starbucks or timmy's are a good idea for people like me (cheap but yummy)... or white hot chocolate)
I can't wait till my next pay cheque so I can start picking up gifts for everyone. I have to spend wisely this year ... none of my regular overspending on certain people. Anyone want to volunteer to watch my spending????
Also, I have begun sorting through Christmas music ... and as you may remember from last year there is a song that I love ... but I can never find it. "we'll sing you a christmastime" by the american boychoir and Harry Belafonte ... on the 1994 Hallmark presents, Traditions of Christmas. I will love you forever if you can find that for me ... and if you find the cd I'll ... KISS YOU ... or hug you ... or something
I cannot wait to start decorating ... and I actually think my family wants me to start early. The house could benefit from a little of my christmas magic.
You all know what I am talking about ... and you know it's true ... if anyone can spread Christmas magic and cheer ... it is ME!!!!!!!! *bows* ...

I've been in a Christmasy mood lately, so I figured I would start things off by changing my template. I only wish I had a decent imaging program to make it look interesting. Damn my computer and its ancientness *shakes fist*

10 years from today, if Lidia and I are both single ... we will become the cutest lesbian couple on the face of the earth ..... Right Lidia?

See you thought I was kidding ... but I kid you not ... one day I will convert you!!

Starting

She walked along the snow covered road and as the light shone bright upon the snow that crunched underneath her feet, Fiona knew that Christmas was in the air. She closed her eyes and felt the snowflakes dance upon her face. They were cold, but quickly melted as they touched her warm rosy cheeks, producing droplets that resembled tears. As the wind swept the fresh fallen snow through the street, Fiona lifted her arms and fell backwards into a small pile of snow that marked the end of Miss Cromp's drive way.
Finally it was here. The magic of Christmas had found it's way to Fiona's little city of Beckstun, and had consumed her in its travels.
Over the next few weeks everyone began preparing for Christmas. They decked their halls with boughs of holly, hung wreaths upon each street lamp, strung mistletoe above each door and hummed popular Christmas tunes as they went on their way.
Mrs Nestlebee, the master baker, decided to get and early start on her Christmas orders. She began creating the most fantastic plum puddings, delectable sugar cookies and mouth watering gingerbread men. Each year her list of orders seemed to grow longer and longer, and Fiona's mother would ask Fiona to go and help Mrs. Nestlebee. This years order included 84 ginger people, 24 pies, 3 gingerbread houses, 19 plum puddings, 200 sugar cookies and a bushel full of other goodies including Mrs. Nestlebee's prize winning mint snowflake cookies. Also, this year Mr. Thomtucker asked if Mrs. Nestlebee could create a Gingerbread castle, to be the centerpiece of his annual Christmas ball. Mrs. Nestlebee agreed but has been keeping it's design a secret. The only other person that has seen the castle is Fiona because Mrs. Nestlebee needs her help to decorate it. Fiona has tiny slender hands that are perfect for doing all the details for the castle.
Mrs Nestlebee would always give Fiona a goodie at the end of each day, thanking her for all the help she provided. Sometimes Mr. Nestlebee would also bring Fiona a packet of peppermint sticks and taffy from his candy store, that was just around the corner from the bakery. Fiona loved her treats and would sometimes share them with her family when she got home.
Every day after work Fiona would run home for dinner, stopping only to look at the toys in the window of Mr. Markus's toy shop.
Fiona had her eye on a small stuffed reindeer that she believed came from Santa's special workshop. It looked so real, she thought it might come alive and perhaps pull Santa's sleigh through the cold winter skies or sneak out at night and nibble on the bark of the trees.
"One day I will come for you" whispered Fiona, her breath creating a mist upon the store's window. Seeing the heavy fog she created, Fiona was reminded that it was cold and she had better get home before it got any later, especially since the lamp lighters were making their way down the street.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.
When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

Well ... another big step in my life ...

It is time to forgive and work on patching relationships.
I have been so afraid of seeing my father's side of the family. Afraid I've waited too long. Afraid they don't want to see me. Afraid I will be blamed for things.
I have now realized that yet again I am letting fear rule me. They are my family and nothing should stop me from seeing them and trying to patch things up. It's time I grow up and stop waiting on everyone else to make a move.
Last week I saw numerous members of my dad's side of the family. Kary-ann, Taylor, Sean, Annabelle, Gail and yes ... last week I saw my father.
HE is now a cook at the casino and also makes fudge at a souvenir shop. He looks better than before. Healthier. I told my mother that I saw him and although she was upset in some ways that in reality the system should have been taking money from his paycheques ... She finally said that she is not going after him for money. I think hearing her say that relieved an extreme amount of pressure off of my shoulders.
So now I am ready .... I'm ready to grow ... mature ... heal ... finally

ANother big news event is we took my sister to Hamilton to see a spinal specialist. My sister's S curves have changed from 36* to 53*s meaning that there is more pressure in certain areas. Her right hip joint is out but they dont know how much that has changed. The curve in the spine means my sister's not centered on her axis and her head leans to the right side ... yet again causing pain. The doctor said these problems do not directly relate to the major one we are trying to figure out. So in some ways we are back to square one. All that is for certain is that this is the beginning of what I have feared ... and all we can do is take it one step at a time and hope for the best.
I'm scared ....

Well, I was feeling pretty crappy last night after the "party" but I'm okay now.
I just hate that despite how much of an effort I made, my party was a bust. I guess I should leave the party planning for other people. I spent SOOOOOO much and I don't think anybody really had even the slightest bit of fun.
Now this may sound harsh, but I don't think my friends are able to let down their guards and just have fun. We don't have to live every day like we are 80 year olds watching our lives pass us by ... all the while trying to analyze EVERYTHING.
I admit that sometimes when I'm with a group of people I step back and think ... "geez I'm acting like an idiot" ... It's at those moments I wish I could slap myself. It's okay to have fun and not care. It's okay to act like an idiot infront of other people (just don't go too far and loose total control). I mean they might even envey your ability to let loose. You might act as an example.
I wish we weren't all so guarded. I was thinking about each of my friends last night and just analyzing them. I actually wrote some down but I think Im going to delete them because I fear that people will get ahold of them and then get pissed at me. Although it's merely my true thoughts ... I wonder what you all think of me ... what's your analysis .... lol ... Trisha keeps telling me what she sees in me and her opinions on my quirks ... I really like it ... opening up another door ... somebody is FINALLY telling me to quit it .... to quit giving in to my anxieties ... combatting my own thoughts ... what a great fucking idea!!!!