Confused Freak

I am so fucking confused right now. I don't know how to feel and I hate that.
I love her so much and it hurts to know that things will never be ... but alas I must accept, learn to deal and move forward in life. I'm so happy for her right now. Apparently she has found a really nice guy ... So yes, whilst I am happy, I am so upset it's not even funny. I want her to be happy, but with this happiness comes well ... pain in part part and I cannot help but be a little self absorbed. Like how I play devils advocate while I talk. I know it can be annoying, but these are the thoughts running through my head ... and they are unedited. I'm surprised though because I'm not going dot crazy and usually I would (seeing as Im confused). Maybe this means Im not confused. Well, Im not because I know I am happy for her and I know that I am sad. It's more I just wish that I could be content with my life ... not content, I dont know ... ha ha ha and here come the dots!!!!

Obsessive Freak

Well, my day went fairly well and now I am sitting here ... hoping to fall asleep soon. At 9am I am calling her to find out how the date went. I cannot explain to you how much my skin is burning and how quickly my stomach is turning. I want to know ... I want to know what is going on. Not knowing is killing me. I hate the tricks my mind plays. It shouldn't matter, but it does. We may never be together ... but so help me, he better treat her like a queen. I will always be around to make sure he treats her well and I am protective of ALL my friends, nevermind ... My Miss Lidia.

Intense Freak

I feel this sense of urgency, this pannick that I only have so long. She has made it clear that it will never be. I could try as hard as I want but she will never be with me. I still feel the need to push and pull. I still have this morbid sense of hope. She's so beautiful and everytime I close my eyes I see her. I see her smiling at me. I can't explain what happens to me when I am near her, or even think of her. That part of me that has felt empty for so long, seems not to be so deep and I realize that maybe one day. Why not now! Why not her! I will never be with her and that hurts so much. I know it and yet I still hold on. I still allow my feelings to grow stronger and they engulf me. These vines of love and confusion wrap themselves tighter and tighter around me until I can hardly breathe. I reach out but it feels like nobody is there because my hands are so limp they cannot grasp anything. Then she appears and we sit so close. So close that I can feel her body move with each breathe she takes. My arm moves up and down, perfectly synchronized with her ribs. Then when her head falls upon my shoulder, I just feel myself melt. I feel everything in my body swell and I just want to cry. The pain of holding back and then the realization of, it will never be is too much. I try not to get any closer and sit as still as I can. Except for my arm, which still moves up and down.

Still feeling depressed and my brain is going a bazillion miles a minute ... hopefully tonight I'll be able to type some more ... but I work now 8 - 4 and then I think Im spending time with Erin

Sitting here alone with my thoughts. We all know this could be deadly but it feels good to occasionally release all the crap that is going on up there. I'm sure you've all noticed how scarce my posting has been. I apologize. My life has been a little crazy to the point that things were all a big blur. I could hardly remember what I had done during the day, let alone type out all of my thoughts. Trust me, I've been doing an awful lot of thinking. SOme things I can't post about, because I need SOME sort of privacy. I will try to share as much as I can.

Today was a very hard day.
I haven't been sleeping lately because my sister is ill. I've been staying up trying to comfort her. Also, I have been working my ass off like crazy. Apparently there is this thing called a Christmas rush, and Wal-Mart gets a bulk of the Christmas shoppers.
Then ... today I went to see my family in TO. I walked in the door expecting him to look horrible, but I hadn't prepared myself for what I saw. I knew that he was ridden with cancer and that he doesnt have much time left. I just ... I didn't think ... He looks so fragile. Like a paper doll propped up in a hospital bed. He's so thin he's lost in his clothes and sheets ... his voice weak ... and his face ... his eyes are sunken and the lines of his jaw are harsh. His eyes don't sparkle, but they look in curiosity and ... I just don't know how to explain it. He doesn't look afraid ... there is pain and sadness in his eyes ... but no fear
I was going to type more but I'm going to stop there for now because I am extremely tired and depressed

I know I have said this before ... but I mean it now and I have a plan ...
$150 from each paycheck will go into savings ... $100 a month will pay off my OSAP ... the rest I can spend if need be .... I will reapply for OSAP next term and hopefully that will allow me to move out by the summer ....

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Eve was highly amusing. I worked until 1:30 and the customers were great. Sure, we had a few scrooges, but the majority were in fantastic moods. Before I left work I made my rounds to say good bye and even snuck a hug in with Teleia lmao
Then I went home for a few minutes and popped over to my little Lidia's ... We exchanged gifts, drank hot chocolate and watched Miracle on 34th Street. She bought me the Special Edition of The Wizard of Oz!!!! I was so excited I almost died. I had a good time with her, like I always do .... Damn me for falling for a straight girl!
Anyways, then I went home and the boys were over so I played with them and snacked on goodies that were in the fridge. They left and mom and Jeff went visiting which left my sister and I to watch CHristmas movies together. Jen passed out at 8:30 so then I sat in the living room and watched tv.
Now it is Christmas Morning and I am waiitng for everyone to get up

I'm so happy ... I don't know what else to say right now

I am the star

that provided the light

to guide the wiseman

throughout the night

I am the wind

that carries the snow

from the sky above

to the ground below

I am the sack

In Santa’s sleigh

that holds all the presents

for Christmas Day

We are all symbols

of the holiday season

reminding you there is always

something to believe in

I submitted my dear santa letter to Standard newspaper, and within half an hour they responded. They told me they could not print it as a letter to the editor because it was too long, but after speaking with the editor they have decided to print it as a column and have asked me to come in for a head shot. FUnny how something that I merely took 20 minutes to write, would end up getting some attention

I haven't written to you for a while, but there is a reason for that.
Santa, I lost myself for a couple years and just now I have found a part of myself that I didn't think I would ever get back. I'm very grateful that I am able to feel this way again, because it's refreshing.

See, back when I was 9, I started listening to the people around me, which was my first mistake, opposed to listening to my own heart. Everyone was telling me that you weren't real and that I was a fool for believing in you. Apparently there is some doubt about how you do the things you do, and there is a lot of speculation about your appearance. I began to question things and I stopped believing in you when I couldn't find the answers.

Then as I grew older I found myself looking at children and remembering when I had that same glow in my eyes and I honestly missed it. I remember writting to you and leaving cookies and milk on my table. I remember visiting your "helpers" at the local malls and then there was that one Christmas Eve that I thought I saw you. That one night that I did see you, didn't I Santa?

Santa, I am 20 years old now and I finally realize that you are real. Many people don't believe because they haven't seen you on Christmas Eve, or because they didn't get what they wanted or they merely don't grasp the physics of Christmas Eve.

But, I've finally learnt that you do not need to see or feel something for it to be real. That there are many things that humans will never understand and that there are many things humans will never agree upon, especially those things you cannot see.

Santa, I believe that I did see you that one night, way back when I was 7 or 8. I was awoken by the sound of bells lightly ringing and a loud crunching of, what I believe was, grandma's sugar cookies that I had left out. As I peeled my eyes open I saw your shadow upon my wall and watched as you chuckled. I ran out into the living room but there was nobody there, but there were presents under the tree, soot marks on the carpet and a few crumbs left.

I'm so sorry that it has taken me this long to write you, especially since you have given me so much. I don't just mean the numerous toys and goodies you left under the tree. I mean thank you for giving me all of these memories, for making me realize that there is so much to be grateful for and for being an example of true goodness.

I do have something that I want this year. Its not something that you can put in box or sack and it actually is something that you will need a lot of help with.
Santa this year I want you to help give people the ability to believe and imagine. I don't know how we can do it, but there has to be a way. A way to spread the magic of the season. A way to prove your existence. A way to make people invision the splendors of Christmas Town. A way to make people believe in the things that they can't always see, like flying reindeer, candy lands, unicorns, ice castles, fairies, magic or hope, faith, love and even you

From Gillian Barclay

Ps. I'll be sure to leave you some cookies this year and some carrots for the reindeer

Children sleeping, snow is softly falling
Dreams are calling like bells in the distance
We were dreamers not so long ago
But one by one we all had to grow up
When it seems the magic's slipped away
We find it all again on Christmas day

Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste
There's so much to celebrate
Believe in what you feel inside
And give your dreams the wings to fly
You have everything you need
If you just believe

Trains move quickly to their journey's end
Destinations are where we begin again
Ships go sailing far across the sea
Trusting starlight to get where they need to be
When it seems that we have lost our way
We find ourselves again on Christmas day

Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste
There's so much to celebrate
Believe in what you feel inside
And give your dreams the wings to fly
You have everything you need
If you just believe [x4]

Just believe

I had a superfantastic weekend

Saturday Lidia called me up and we went out for breakfast .. then we went back to her place and goofed around ... watched White Christmas and the end of Stealth ... after that we went to work for 8 hrs ... then out to Timmies ... We were both so wired that we went back to her place and drank the night away ... We drank, danced, sang and talked till 5am ... it was highly amusing to see a little spanish girl teaching a big white chick how to dance to gloria estefan

I feel like I could write the night away. I want to talk about anything and everything, despite that sleep is hanging low above my head.
I feel it tapping me on the shoulder but despite how much I twist and turn I cant see it or grasp it ... DAMN
Today I go to the doctors. I'm hoping he will either up my prescription or prescribe a sleeping pill for nights I have trouble. I hate nights like these. I am so tired but my brain wont shut down

Then it happened

The self destruction of my happiness and the ripple effect.

As always I reach a certain point and then I sabotage my happiness before somebody else can. The only thing, I forget to think of others before I go charging in to self destruct. I think with my heart instead of my head.
Now I've hurt somebody I love dearly and I'm scrambling to make things right. I lie and again I don't stop to think ... and when I do think, I don't like the answers that I am coming up with, so I completely disregard them.
I just cause more hurt than there needs to be.
Why do I have to be so self absorbed and ignorant? Why as humans do we have the ability to label faults but we can't change ourselves