Intense Freak

I feel this sense of urgency, this pannick that I only have so long. She has made it clear that it will never be. I could try as hard as I want but she will never be with me. I still feel the need to push and pull. I still have this morbid sense of hope. She's so beautiful and everytime I close my eyes I see her. I see her smiling at me. I can't explain what happens to me when I am near her, or even think of her. That part of me that has felt empty for so long, seems not to be so deep and I realize that maybe one day. Why not now! Why not her! I will never be with her and that hurts so much. I know it and yet I still hold on. I still allow my feelings to grow stronger and they engulf me. These vines of love and confusion wrap themselves tighter and tighter around me until I can hardly breathe. I reach out but it feels like nobody is there because my hands are so limp they cannot grasp anything. Then she appears and we sit so close. So close that I can feel her body move with each breathe she takes. My arm moves up and down, perfectly synchronized with her ribs. Then when her head falls upon my shoulder, I just feel myself melt. I feel everything in my body swell and I just want to cry. The pain of holding back and then the realization of, it will never be is too much. I try not to get any closer and sit as still as I can. Except for my arm, which still moves up and down.