Well, I am alive ... I just havent been inspired to write. I also have this inability to concentrate.
Anyways ... we are looking for a new place to live ... and I will explain on it tonight when I get home

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

We are so friggin screwed now that the PCs got in. Did you hear Harper's speach? "A free Canada" ... who does that sound like? I mean he didn't waste any time making us sound like some mini America.

I walked in and it smelt like death. Like the grim reaper himself was lurking around one of the corners, just waiting for the perfect moment to pounce.
Ive smelt death before, many times. I remember it most from Linhaven. When I would go and visit the elderly. Not every room there smelt like death, but some rooms reaked of it.
When I saw Bob, he smiled and said hello. Every little movement is s huge task for him, yet he braves it and tries not to let his pain show too much. Gail let it slip that he isn't always brave, that the nights have become very hard to bare because of his pain.
She could handle the pain herself and pretend like it wasn't so bad, but she cannot handle seeing her husband in so much pain.
Dar and I ate and drank some coffee with Gail. She has played hostess and doctor for the past month and she won't slow down. She just keeps trying to appease everyone. Sometimes I wish I could tell the people in my family that it is okay to ask for help and that you don't have to act like everything is okay.
Dar and Gail went to do laundry and asked me to watch Bob.
He and I talked ... briefly, but it meant so much to me. He looked at me and said that he liked hearing my goals and plans on reaching it, but that I had to remember that it only takes one wrong move and things can fall apart. That you cannot predict everything, especially time. That you have to appreciate what you have and don't lose focus on that, especially if you really want it.
He told me that just because one day I may have a degree to deal with photography it does not mean that I will not have to struggle even more to be successful.
"It's not all about you, it is all about the camera."
If the camera malfunctions then that one perfect shot is gone ... but that doesn't mean you should stop there. It means you keep searching.

I love you Uncle Bob

I probably won't be around much this weekend ... Im trying to kep myself busy

WARNING: EXTREMELY PERSONAL FEMALE STUFF

I figured I would share this despite I'm sure many of you don't want to hear it ... and if this is the case, by all means, do not read this post. It is going to deal with female anatomy.

Anyways, I have suddenly become aware of my area down there. I was watching an episode of the L Word and they were talking about pussy pride or something. I realized that I am VERY self concious of down there. I've never even been to the gynocologist, which I believe I should go very soon.
Recently I found a bump ... it's almost like when a vein acts up. I am used to getting boils all over my body (some type of reaction) but this looks like something to do with a vein or cyst. Anyways, it doesn't hurt unless it gets bumped.
I went online and didn't find much about that problem but as I was surfing I found out some other things. Like my dryness can be attributed to my medication. I honestly was worried that I just couldn't produce lubricant ... I also learnt that MANY people have disformations of different areas and that corrective and cosmetic female genital surgery has become very popular . lol ... Basically it looks like my left labia majora has been working out compared to the right ... and I thought that was really odd ... ha ha ha ... Anyways I guess it's time a bite the big one and go in to get things checked out

Breaking down the barriers inside of my mind. Slowly but surely!!!
I'm signed up for school, I've applied for credit cards to get my camera, I am planning on applying to a local gym that I will keep on ... as long as Trisha and Lidia keep dragging me with them ... Lidia will ... but Trisha I will have to force .. he he he .. She's so damn funny
Anyways ... today I have a few things I need to pick up before I work and then I work for four hours. Hmmm ... I dont feel like Ive been productive at work because I only have a mere four hours in which to do a thousand things ... it's such a pain in the ass ... but Roxy seems to understand ... I'm so thankful to have her as my department manager now ... I mean I loved Gail ... but things seem to go more smoother with Roxy ... Watch out Inventory, we are going to kick your ass this year ... MUA HA HA HA
So anyways ... I must go get ready for work ... ha ha ha ... My Humps just came on which is the funniest damn song to get dressed to ... *struts around the room* ...
Hmmm ... Megan, we should totally do music video parodies!!!!

GUESS WHO IS REGISTERED FOR SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm I have yet another dilema.
The nurse that once put in a complaint about me is now going to be a regular at our house and at my sister's school. She said that I was stalking her and making advances. I admit I thought she was cute, but I wouldn't stalk a person. Also, I don't even have the means to stalk somebody. I don't drive and other than the mall there is nothing that I would see her at. *shrugs* ... Anyways, now I must act as if nothing is wrong. This really sucks ... I'm very uncomfortable but alas ... I must put on my mask and pretend

I'm so tired *shakes fist* DAMN MY BIRDS FOR WAKING ME UP

Anyways, I've been surfing the web this morning and I stumbled upon 2 of my old blogs. They date as far back as October of 2002. Needless to say, I've been laughing at the old me.... ok Im gonna pass out ... nighty night

I'm watching the Wedding Planner and have decided to start planning my wedding. You know how some women plan all their lives and know every little detail. Well, I'm not going to plan like that, but there are some things that I want to do ...

So I need all of you to list a TON of your favorite love songs

I take pills because I have an imbalance that makes me susceptable to pannick attacks and depression, so I take medication. Since taking this medication, I have become more balanced. Sure I still have depression and pannick attacks, but not to the extent that I used to. I also have begun to understand how to calm myself down and avoid triggers.
One thing I have noticed, that does hurt, is my inability to write. To sit at a computer and write out the thoughts that cross my mind. Before I was able to write and write. It seemed like that was one constant in my life. Then I couldn't write. Just recently have I been able to write again. As I write, there is pain. My head begins to hurt and I soon have to lay down.
I don't usually go back to writing after that. I'll go and eat or go out for awhile. The thoughts that I were typing cease to exist so I merely delete the unfinished post or scribble and begin the vicous cycle again.
Anyone have any thoughts or ideas?

I had 4 pannick attacks in my sleep last night and my stomach blew up ... needless to say my Friday the 13th isn't going so well

BAH I am so frusterated at the moment
I think my pills are what keep me from writing ... or something ... Ill try and discuss it tomorrow

A fantastic film that I encourage everyone to rent is Prozac Nation. I just finished watching it and I'll try to explain how I feel ....
It has highlighted all of the symptoms of anxiety and depression. I am sitting here on the verge of a breakdown. The pressure is building inside of my head. You may be wondering why I like this. I feel normal. For this moment despite all of the thoughts battling there way to the front of my brain, I can see this light that is letting me know that I am not the only one who struggles. There were SOOOOO many similarities between the movie and I ... that I am freaked out ...

Damn depression!
Damn my mind!
Damn Damn Damn

Ugh I've been a fucking volcano lately waiting to go off. I couldn't even mask it last night at work, everyone knew I was depressed. I'm depressed and angry right now. I am completely frusterated with everything. Looking at where I am, where I hope to be and the reality of it all. I want to aim high and I d, but some days reality seems to be holding me down. How can I move forward whilst my family reverses? Shouldn't I stick by them and suffer the same fate? Should I not try to lend a hand at pulling us from the wreckage? I know I could move ahead and do great things. OSAP would carry me far enough aswell as my job, after school I could search for something better and then again go back to school. I could travel and work up an amazing resume. I really could push myself that far. Then I look around me and I see a broken family. We are each afraid of the other and truth seems to be lost. There is this fading communication and we are tired from fighting so much. Not just with eachother but with everyone else, to merely make our lives better. They have given me so much and I want to give back. Not in a few years. Now, I want to give them everything now. I cannot stand to see their depression deepen into this gaping hole.
I cannot watch as they age beyond their years and just accept anything because they have lost their self worth. How could I leave them to that? What would I come back to in years? I couldn't leave them. So I struggle. I struggle beside them. I struggle with them. I too fade away in the sands of time. One day ... One day I will rise above.

*jumps around*
So I had a depressed day yesterday. I was lower than low when I went into work. My manager came over and asked me if everything was okay because I looked upset. I told her dont ask, I'll start crying. She said she understood and was there if I needed anything. SO it became worse as the night went on ... AND THEN ... I opened up the newspaper and staring me in the face was a picture of my grandfather that died 7 years ago. There were two memoriams. Tears swelled in my eyes and I was just shocked. I couldnt become anymore depressed so I seemed to perk up.

I wish people would stop assuming that they know everything about me just because I talk a lot and because I am okay with spilling personal information. Guess what, I have secrets aswell. I have an inability to talk about certain personal issues. There is more than what meets the eye. I don't tell everything. You cannot get inside of my mind, so don't assume.

Next I am so fed up with my family right now. I have done NOTHING wrong and I am CONSTANTLY getting yelled at ... I could go on about them but I am going to refrain because ... well ... I just don't feel like talking about it right now

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
FUCKITY FUCKERSTON!!!!!!!!
I am so pissed off right now
BAH

I am currently designing my first tattoo.
Something small
Something meaningful
Something beautiful
and something that hopefully wont hurt too too much

Went to see Casanova last night with Megan and Lauren, then headed over to Lidia's, woke up and came home, went to feed my babies and now I'm waiting to go out with Trisha at 4ish.

I have a lot on my mind ... I could use a good discussion with her

Tonight I shall go and see Casanova with Megan and Lauren ... then at 10:30 I am going to Lidia's place to have a lovely night of drinking dancing ... and hopefully leaving this awful reality behind for a few hours ... I know I know ... it's not healthy but sometimes ya just gotta fucking do it

I have been having a fantastic few days hanging out with Lidia mostly. I also met Trisha's sister and brother-in-law ... They are so cute!

I am still battling the evil loneliness bug. I hate when I feel this way and it is amplified by my hopeless love of Lidia. If only I could just turn my feelings off.

Okay everyone this time I AM seriously changing my layout
I need you all to list the sites you want me to link on here ... be it yours or something you like ... I am TOTALLY transforming this place ... space ... whatever ... it's time to transform everything ... OH YEA ... my hair is SHORT now

Are we supposed to live for today or live for tomorrow? Im a little confused because some people say take it as it comes but then they contradict themselves and say no you MUST do this this and this to reach tomorrow. Well that is planning for tomorrow aka living for tomorrow

Ed came in today and asked, did you steal any fine lady's heart on New Years ... *dreamy sigh* ... if only ... she just wont budge though LMAO

Im reading through my yearbooks and man are there some memories ...
"I'll be looking forward to you hosting your own talk show or writing children's books"
"I trust that two English classes in a row hasn't warped your views on English"
"... thank you for not mocking me when I asked you to tango"
"Follow this you bitches!"
"I'm starting to get hair in really weird places"
" good luck opening your own gas station/ strip club/ porn depot"
"keep in touch with me over the summer, and next year ... and all the years after that"
"Geographers can tell you where to go"
"I'm writing in my own year book ... oops"
"pg 47 5 over 4 down"
"Robin smacked my huge ass head into a Formica Biology desk (what a bitch)"
"your pal 4 life"
"Hey slut"
"You're not fat enough to cause a total solar eclipse ... maybe a lunar one"
"Lets get physical"
"defeat of deduct went over defense before detail"
"if you ever need anyone to talk to I am always here"
"you go LL!!!"
"You stuck with me when I turned you away and you showed me that you are a true, great friend"
"I hate Stretchy but I love you"
"remember that hott girls break your heart and eventually destroy you"
"Stay yourself"
"Who needs to know how to make furniture out of old tires"
"Life isnt that bad- with people like you in it"

hmmm ... update ...

Well, New Years day wasn't terribly exciting. I basically got home and fell asleep for 4 or 5 hours, which is rather rare. After that I went to visit grams for 2 hours and then I proceeded back upstairs where I realized that there were going to be nurses ALL night. So Liz asked me over and we turned on a movie ... didn't matter though cause we talked through the whole thing ... lots of catching up!

Yesterday was highly amusing. I called Lidia at 8:30 and woke her up and after 40 minutes of primitive grunting we decided that we'd hang out for a little bit (ha ha). So I got dar to drive me over and I picked up coffee on the way. Lidia was actually ready to go, so, we headed out. Our plan was breakfast and Value Village cause she needed pants for work.
So we ate and then went to the Pen cause she decided maybe she'd find something decent there. LMAO ... SOOOOO .... first store we went in she bought a coat. Then we kept walking through the mall and she kept saying lets get our make up done ... I was like no way ... So then she forced me to get my hair done .... I HAVE NO HAIR!!!!! My hair is SOOOOOOOOOOO short .... THEN we DID go to FACES and got our make up done LMAO (and damn did she look good).... so we then proceeded to the theatre where we didnt feel like seeing anything ... so we settled for going to London Arms for a "drink" ... we ended up eating SOOOOO much. Thank god that girl has a Visa and likes buying stuff for me, we spent so much on everything. OH .. Santa was sitting 2 tables over from us ... so we both couldn't stop giggling
After our food we remembered she needed groceries, so we went to Zehrs. Needless to say we were walking around Zehrs all done up and it was amusing. Then we had to push the cart around the outside of the mall to the car (we're brilliant).
Then we dropped her groceries off ... she dropped me off ... I called work and found out I had to work in 40 minutes ... then I went to work and enjoyed the compliments about my hair

My New Years was rather interesting. The single most depressing New Years of my life but it amuses me to look back on it.
I spent the day with Lidia. I picked up $40 in Joe Feta's food because despite she was sick her appetite was still there and she insisted on food. So I grabbed some movies and headed over. We watched Sister Act and near the end she took a turn. She became very ill, so I stayed with her and well ... looked after her. I called home and none of my friends had called to say anything about New Years plans so I stayed the night with Lidia.
She was so ill and I felt horrible for her ... I was sad that I couldn't make her feel better. I just sat there and kept changing the movies and every so often I'd talk to her about something random.
Then Rob called and she left me for a good 45 minutes in the living room while she went and spoke to him. The tv was on mute so I'd catch the occasional thing she was saying. Her tone of voice was so different and it hurt. I wanted to grab my coat and run out the door. I didn't though ... I just sat there. She came back into the room and I just sat there.
Then we spoke a bit cause she had perked up ... then we grabbed the bucket and I sat beside her and held her hair and rubbed her back as she gagged.
We ordered pizza much later on and sat on the floor, toasting the pathetic New Years Eve we were having.
SHe passed out at 11:20 so I watched tv ... including the Niagara Falls special. 3 minutes to 12 I woke her up and told her to sit up with me. I basically picked her up with her blanket and propped her up beside me and held on to her. I put my chin on her head and said ... 1 minute ... and then suddenly 10 9 8 7 ... 2 ... 1 HAPPY NEW YEAR ... then she got up and went to go to bed and Rob called again so she spoke to him briefly then joined me in the living room again ... then she hugged me and went to bed ....
We woke up this morning and I was exceedingly depressed. She tried to talk with me but I felt like crap .... Then I kinda woke up and we spoke a bit and my aunt came to pick me up. She gave me a kiss and hug ... and that was my New Years Eve

My resolution is that this year I will do more for myself, including pushing myself beyond my boundaries. I have realized that I can no longer sit and sulk. I HAVE to help myself.