Talk about anxious .. I am so fucking nervous .. I know it will be fine .. but holy crap

HOLY SHIT WICKED IS COMING TO TORONTO IN OCTOBER!!!!!!!!! $250-$300 per ticket ... so maybe I wont go .. but it's nice to know they will be here ... and I can dream of winning a ticket ... OMG ... NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!!!!!!!

I take it the secret to getting you guys to comment is writing short posts? ha ha
Well, the other day I was rather depressed but I woke up this morning feeling fantastic. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and ... well ... I'm just in a good mood. Maybe I should time how long this one lasts.
I am totally addicted to the soundtracks of Rent and Wicked *jumps around* "Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow To blow off Auntie Em .. la vi boheme"

I love you Kelly

If I ever see Wicked ... I think I might have an urge to jump the witch while she sings no good deed goes unpunished ... lmao ... especially if I see Idina preform it

I have surgery 1 week from today :( YOU ALL HAVE TO CALL OR VISIT

Feeling playful
Feeling lonely
Feeling ... a little bit of everything.

Lately I have been thinking about love. I have been feeling love. I have ... reflected on love. Love is such a wonderful feeling that, at times, can be so painful.
I told you a few stories, and trust me there are many more. Perhaps I will write them out like I had planned, but for now ... I don't really feel like it. Mainly because I am a little hurt and vulnerable.

Yesterday's post got me thinking, remembering. I posted a few of those moments but nothing in detail so today, I shal post a couple magical moments in a bit of detail. I'm not going to use any names, for various reasons and I'm sure you'll all understand.

She was going to drop me off but we decided to go for a drive around the city and such. Neither of us wanted to return home to our daily lives. We just wanted to stay away from reality a bit longer.
We spent the entire drive talking about our deep secrets, guilty pleasures and love. We are both romantics, hopeless to a certain degree. We are so afraid to be hurt that we won't let anyone in romantically.
Suddenly our discussion took a turn and she asked me about my first kiss. I told her about it, and how it really wasn't anything. I had always wanted my first kiss to have movie like quality but it didn't, and I wanted a re-do. She laughed and said atleast I had been kissed.
We were stopped at a redlight that seemed to last for ever. She looked at me and told me about how badly she wants to be kissed. How she wants her first kiss and would take almost anything, although waiting for that movie moment is tempting.
It was a full moon that night, and she just glowed. We went silent and smiled at eachother, this was a perfect moment ... and then the light turned green.

***

She stepped out of her room, in her new black dress. She looked absolutely stunning, and she knew it. She asked me to put a necklace on her, and after fumbling for a moment it was fastened. She smiled and said "perfect ... no wait" Just then she undid her hairclip and let her hair fall.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold her close. She could see it in my eyes. I know she could, especially since she knew every thought.
She twirled infront of the mirror, as I stood there with my jaw dropped. She looked at me and asked what I thought.
I held out my hands and she quickly placed her hands in them. I pulled her close, looked her in the eye, and said ... you look beautiful. She grinned and was pleased with my answer .. and incase she didn't hear me ... I said it again ... you look absolutely stunning.

*** sexual content***

It was an ordinary day. We went shopping for a bit and then stopped at her place. Today we were tired and decided to veg. So we turned on a movie and flopped on the couch.
A bit later I began to use her as a pillow. I have a bad habit of doing that, and she was used to it. She put her arm around me and rested it on my shoulder. Nothing unusual.
So we watched the movie and at some point she started playing with my hair. There is nothing like having somebody play with your hair and seeing as how I adored this girl, I'll admit to loving it even more than I should have.
Eventually she stopped and I looked up at her, she had beautiful eyes. I asked if everything was okay and she said it was fine ... but something wasn't right. I assured her that she could speak to me and she said she knew that. She said that she told me everything that she had held in for so long. She said that she couldnt explain how comfortable she felt with me.
We continued to watch the movie and something in me clicked. I was so completely turned on and I felt the cool breeze from the fan hit me ... and you know what happened ... her hand cupped my breast, to keep it protected ... it was so strange ... so perfect ... what follow ... he he he

***
I sat there in the moonlight, sleepless like a bat. I just sat there. My mind racing, my stomach turning ... and then she came back. She came to say goodnight ...

Im suddenly tired and I will finish this tomorrow

Aw, it's one of those night where I am consumed by the night. The frost forming on my window, the soft light catching each little crystal and the memories. ha ha ...
I'm thinking of all the women that I have loved. Those women that captured my heart. That caught my gaze and held it. The women that I have had memorable moments with. They didn't necessarily feel for me, but there was just something about them. Something that made me look deep within them and see something that I wanted to be a part of. I know I've never felt true love. I know in my heart there is love and just plain ol lust ... maybe one day I will be lucky enough to feel true love. For now I will settle with what I have found. There are those few women that entered my life and made a mark. That made me laugh when I was sad. That kissed me on the cheek. That talked with me for hours on end. There was a girl that held me in her arms when I cried out my fears. Another girl that came to my bed to say goodnight, and stayed on her own. One girl stole my virginity. Two girls stole dreams. There was even a girl that taught me I'm something.
Despite I haven't found true love yet, I've found a lot

So Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I thought I had developed a stomach flu. Then Wednesday rolled around and I went to the walk in clinic. The doctor told me it was probably my gal bladder and arranged for tests the next day. Later on that night my mother took me to emergency because the pain became unbearable. They made me piss in a cup, took some of my blood and wouldn't let me eat or drink. After a couple hours the doctor came by and ordered an ultrasound aswell as demerol shots every 4 hours for the pain. So my mom went home and the nurse came with a shot. 10 mins later I had to pee. LMAO ... I couldnt get the rail on my bed down so I asked some random woman walking by. She couldnt do it so she got the nurse, that told me to just push the red button whenever I needed ANYTHING nomatter how small. I agreed. Staggered off to the bathroom .. came back and passed out. 3 hours later I woke up again in pain. I waited and then called the nurse ... she told me to call her again at 6:30 if I was awake because it was too early for my next shot. Then there was some little girl screaming and the person beside me wouldnt stop snoring ... but I fell asleep again .... So the next morning I went pee ... mom came back ... they shot me with more demoral ... and 5 minutes later they took me for my ultrasound ... LMAO ... I was riding around in a wheelchair stoned out of my mind ... then they smeered gelly all over me, got me to twist and turn on a bed ... then back in the wheelcahir and back to bed. I passed out for god knows how long ... woke up and they sent me home because the specialist wasnt answering their call. They prescribed me some heavy duty pain killers and gave me something to drop off at the specialists office. We went there first and actually caught him in the office ... so he looked at me and said he had to get my gal bladder out as soon as possible ... so my pre op was today and I have surgery on the 28th ... until then I have a strict diet and lots of fun drugs

http://kevan.org/johari?name=purpleinhereyes

This is cool ... fill it out for me then start up your own

Im sorry I havent posted for a while. Firstly I was dealing with my uncles passing. Then I have developed a 24hr+ stomach flu. I dont understand why life just wont give me a break ... I must lay down because I have no strength

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I went away to Cambridge for a few days and stayed at Joey's apartment. I was happy to see him and hang out. Plus it was nice to be away from home.
We went swimming, skating and played a few rounds of sock hockey, which lead to massive rug burn. I also made a new friend, Bonnie the cat. She's so cute and slept with me at night ... some mornings she would even follow me into the bathroom, a little disturbing, but cute.
So I came home Monday night and worked last night. I wasn't feeling 100% but my mom protested me staying home. Everyone at work was worried because I looked rather pale, but alas, it was only a 4hr shift and I hung in.
This morning my mother woke me up at 6:30 to tell me that my uncle had died during the night, and that she wanted me to go help my grandmother get my sister ready for school.
Throughout the morning I called different people to tell them the news. Telling a person that a loved one has passed on is strange. There is no way to sugar coat the subject and you merely tell them that so and so has died, or rather, they've passed away.
Then comes this strange silence, and a strange change in voice. Some people were choked up and others confused. Calling them was so strange, and even worse was listening to the words coming out of my mouth.
"Bob has passed away" ... "There will be visitation on Thursday and Friday. As for the funeral, I am not sure."
I'm glad Bob's pain has ended. I am glad there is no more cancer. I am glad that he is free. I am not glad that he is no longer here. That I will not be able to sit and talk with him, that I will not be able to help wash dishes with him, play catch with him, go for a drive in his car ... I will miss him.
Tomorrow is another day, but today I shall remember. I shall remember the good times.
Good bye Uncle Bob, I will miss you!
Robert Long died February 8th 2006

I am at Joey and Diana's place and having a blast ... It's great to be away from the house ... and I am unbelievably happy to be spending time with the both of them ... I'm just realizing now ... how grown up we've all become ... ha ha ha ...

It is 1am and I am watching Flight 93. A movie based on 9/11.
Needless to say I have already bawled twice and it is only 45 minutes (with commercials) into it ... make that three ... I remember the fear I had that day. I remember the questions. I was at school That morning I had signed up with Uproar and was sitting there playing Family Feud because I had finished my work. One of the teachers came in and spoke to our teacher. They told us what they heard and we all tried to piece it together. We heard that there were more planes, that there were other targets and nobody knew anything. People began to talk about Niagara Falls and the CN tower. We were all nervous, because we really didnt know what was going on ... Then when I got home. I saw it. I saw the horrors caught on film. I watched the towers collapse and people run in terror ... watching this brings back all of the fear I had running through me. I stood on my 7th floor balcony for many nights with candles ... speaking to whatever was out there listening to me. Wishing on every star I saw. Months or weeks later there was a local air show and a plane flew over the school. Everyone in the class jumped and some of us ducked. We had so much fear within us. 5 years later, the fear is fading. People dont jump when they hear a plane ... but back then ... it ... things changed ... life changed ... and I witnessed September 11th

Lately things have been sorta crazy for me. I am just coming out of a severe state of depression. I haven't been able to write or think clearly, hence why I haven't updated. Things were so bad that Monday night I decided to go for a walk and suddenly I was standing out front of Lidia's house soaked from the rain. I saw the tv on and figured I'd stop in ... She opened the door, and I just started bawling. She told me a could stay there but I said no, I better head home and proceeded to walk back. All in all I walked for an hour and a half in the rain. I was just so upset I dont even remember all that much.
Things have been strange. I miss my father a lot right now and want to see him really badly. I don't know how to get in touch with him ... and that frusterates me. I finally understand my father wasnt a bad man, he was sick. Infact my father was a good man ... a very good man and I miss him a lot.
We are moving because there have been some issues with the super intendants and some of the people that live here. I dont know all the details but everything seems to do with Jeff. We lived here 9 years and now that Jeff is here we suddenly start having trouble ... WTF????
My brain is shutting down again .. Ill type more later

I am going to sit down and post everything tonight ... Sorry for the delays