I believe mom is planning on forcing me out of the apartment. Looks like I was wrong about the break up.
She told me that yes Jeff was going to get his own place, but they were going to stay together and she was going to just visit him there and such.
Today though, she asked about when I applied for OSAP. She said that I'd want to get enough to get a place near school and transfer to the Welland Wal-Mart.
I guess Jeff wins over me. Everytime it comes close to him moving out, something happens and it turns around and backfires on me. I just don't understand.
My mother used to be one of my best friends and now we argue every day. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I say is right. Everything I want is too much. What I have for her is not enough.
I don't understand. I don't understand why it has to be this way. I've tried so hard, but to no avail.
My mother used to be the strong one, the one that everyone went to, they looked up to her and liked hanging around. Now everyone stays away and she distances herself. She is never happy with anything, not even herself.
and Jeff ... well I hate him, he hates me ... and I do not understand how I became 3rd runner up.

Well had a rough couple days. I ended up in the ER again last night. Apparently I have a serious kidney infection and possibly stones. The doctor said that some patients develop that after having their gall bladder removed. I have never been in that much pain before. I've had kidney stones too. I was vomitting and very wild. I was pacing and actually went back to the window to tell them I needed to get in as soon as possible because it was so bad ... but this lady we know, Penny, saw me, grabbed my chart and found me a bed. She could tell that I was too far gone. The doctor came shortly after and listened to everything I said. Asked what shot was best for pain and then ordered it (some pain killers wont do anything for me). He was fantastic!!! Listened to every word I said and even apologized when he touched the sore spot and I jumped. Admittedly ... he was HOT. Later he came back and smiled because I was slowly dosing off (classic head nod)... told me everything and then wrote my prescription. Asked if I had a specific pain killer I used ... told him endocet ... and then he asked me if I had any questions. Honestly .. that was the nicest ER visit ever! I thanked Penny on my way out for watching out for me.
THEN today ... it was an ok day. Called in sick and proceeded to lay around resting. I sat up with mom and Jen for a while ... and then went on the computer. Suddenly I heard mom ask for benadryl. I couldnt find it nor her puffer. I yelled at Jeff to help but he was too busy making a sandwich. I yelled again and he told me to fuck off. I said mom cant breath you idiot. I finally found her puffer and benadryl. She was so bad that I hadd to shake it up for her and hold it to her mouth. Then I grabbed a bucket for her. She didnt need it. Throughout the time Jeff yelled at me and said my yelling was going to make mom more upset ... and I couldnt understand why he thought it had nothing to do with him not helping and then swearing at me.
Fucking jackass.

Well had a rough couple days. I ended up in the ER again last night. Apparently I have a serious kidney infection and possibly stones. The doctor said that some patients develop that after having their gall bladder removed. I have never been in that much pain before. I've had kidney stones too. I was vomitting and very wild. I was pacing and actually went back to the window to tell them I needed to get in as soon as possible because it was so bad ... but this lady we know, Penny, saw me, grabbed my chart and found me a bed. She could tell that I was too far gone. The doctor came shortly after and listened to everything I said. Asked what shot was best for pain and then ordered it (some pain killers wont do anything for me). He was fantastic!!! Listened to every word I said and even apologized when he touched the sore spot and I jumped. Admittedly ... he was HOT. Later he came back and smiled because I was slowly dosing off (classic head nod)... told me everything and then wrote my prescription. Asked if I had a specific pain killer I used ... told him endocet ... and then he asked me if I had any questions. Honestly .. that was the nicest ER visit ever! I thanked Penny on my way out for watching out for me.
THEN today ... it was an ok day. Called in sick and proceeded to lay around resting. I sat up with mom and Jen for a while ... and then went on the computer. Suddenly I heard mom ask for benadryl. I couldnt find it nor her puffer. I yelled at Jeff to help but he was too busy making a sandwich. I yelled again and he told me to fuck off. I said mom cant breath you idiot. I finally found her puffer and benadryl. She was so bad that I hadd to shake it up for her and hold it to her mouth. Then I grabbed a bucket for her. She didnt need it. Throughout the time Jeff yelled at me and said my yelling was going to make mom more upset ... and I couldnt understand why he thought it had nothing to do with him not helping and then swearing at me.
Fucking jackass.

He he he, thanks for all the feedback guys. I need to get another list of everyone's websites and stuff because my computer was wiped out and I can't remember half the sites I had listed.
Next up, news on jackass. The other day my other said that WE are looking for an apartment. In the context of her and Jeff are looking for an apartment. He is going to move out, but they are going to stay together. I think my mother was confused when I stormed out of the room (immature I know). She doesn't understand that I do not want him around my family, that he will always be here even if he had his own place, and it wouldn't solve anything. Plus him moving to his own place would be a waste of money considering he'd always be here. Fucking mooch. I don't understand how she cannot see what a complete moron he is. I'll admit he isnt always a jackass, but even when he isnt I dont get along with him, because that stage normally only last an hour or so.
NEEEEXT
I cannot wait to get out today to pick up more stuff for outside!!!!!

Welcome back to the real world Gillian Barclay. I hope you enjoyed your stay in depression, feel free to come back if you ever need a distortion on the world around you.

Hello ello everyone!!!
Oh how I've missed being able to sit and write down the millions of thoughts running through my mind. Sounds a little familiar ... Try a year and a half ago when I had the great wrtier's block that caused me to drop out of school. *bows* But Im coming back. SO look out world ... that opinionated young'n, and journalist in training, is coming back to bend the rules and push barriers.
I was excited last night when an old teacher of mine came through Wal-Mart and complimented me on my writing. Apparently he caught some of my letters to the editor and the editorial from the Standard. *giggles* Im still pretty friggin proud of that editorial!!!
Well, I should get back to cleaning my balcony. *dreamy sigh* ...
OH WAIT!!!
I also have a couple new crushes. I figured it was time I became motivated at work again .. aswell as .. *blushes* I signed up on a singles website ... plentyoffish.com and I've met some pretty cool women through there. One that I've been talking to constantly.
I have today and tomorrow off and then Friday is payday ... THE DAY I GET TO BUY STUFF FOR THE BALCONY

Today mom had to get rid of the pigeon eggs because they werent hatching and we want to get our balcony ready. She was really upset to the point she said she thought today would be the right day because of the religousness and whatever ... Anyways she got really upset so we were all laying on the bed and I tried to make her feel better .. but Jeff kept saying stupid shit and getting her upset ... so I said shut up fucking asshole .... and then he yelled cunt at me

Well mom is freaking out and wants to kick him out ... she has for awhile but is afraid of what will happen ... and I also dont want to be blamed for breaking them up

I feel like shit ... and I will explain why later ...

Bunny Slayer

Today I sliced up 30 chocolate bunnies ... costing Wal-Mart over $60 *bows* and earning myself the nick name The Bunny Slayer ... I was cutting open boxes of bunnies and pushed the knife too hard. Little did I know .. there was a fucking pull tab on the boxes.

Well I told my mother today that if things do not change within 2 months that I will be packing my bags. She asked me how I thought I would do it, and I said that I didn't know right yet ... but I know I can do anything if need be.
She knows I cant handle home life right now and that i especially cant handle Jeff. We had a pretty in depth talk, mostly me pleading to her to help herself. That she has to learn that she can do so much more and she doesnt need to settle for anything. I hope I got through to her ... Im just stuck in limbo. Well GST is coming and then my first paycheque to put towards "My new life savings" ..

I am currently in the worst state of depression I have been in for a long time. I haven't felt this worthless in forever. I feel like I lost my family and the harder I try to get it back the more it crumbles.
Last night my mother came to pick me up at work, but I had some more stuff to do and figured I'd just go to Trishas after. So I told my mom and she left a little ticked. I got home, then Jeff piped up about not calling ahead of time, and saying that there is always time to call ... I didn't know I wasn't going to finish everything. I worked my ass off all day and they gave me a ton of things to do at the end. How was I supposed to know I would need more time??? Anyways, Jeff had a good dig at me and mom just snorted and agreed with him.
Also yesterday, we went to the Niagara Outlets. We had a fight before we got in the car about what we were going to do. I really didnt care, I just had the idea I wanted a haircut. I said, no its fine we'll go to the outlet. Mom starts yelling about how i hate it there and I said I got in the car didnt I, knowing she wanted to go.
THEN we get there and looked around at clothes. Mom had me look while she tried on stuff and then asked me how things looked. We got the the bathing suit store and my mother began to flip out on me. She told me to look for other styles, but none were what she wanted so I said there wasnt anything. Then I told her I didnt like 2 of them and I said to get back in the change room and I'll look for another style close to the one she had on ... Well she didnt find one she wanted ... Stormed out of the store back to the car, as I hung up everything then followed her out. We get in the car and she starts yelling about me rolling my eyes, telling her things looked horrid and yata yata yata.
I fucking cant stand this. I dont seem to be able to do anything right
Today I was playing scrabble with Bradley (Jeff's boy), we bent the rules because Bradley is young. Jeff comes by and starts telling me Im playing the wrong way, despite I told him what I was doing ... and then telling me I dont know how to spell because some of the letter didnt make words .... (BECAUSE I BENT THE RULES FOR THE KID AND LETTERS COULD TOUCH WITHOUT MAKING A WORD). Suddenly mum is wheeling out Jennifer and yells ... Gillian move your ass out of the way ...
I dont want to type anymore because now Im crying ... I dont seem to be able to do anything right ...