Im feeling a little lost at the moment ... while I am happier beyond belief ... there is this underlying fear ... I fear losing her ... and at the same time ... I curse myself because of the way I feel ... *shakes head* ... I love her so much and I love being with her ... so why am I so miserable ... well yesterday I realized I cannot stand Matt ... I can't stand seeing him, talking to him or anything ... He's a nice guy ... but he makes me feel ill ... and yesterday I found out he asked her to sleep with him in his bed ... I haven't had the chance to talk to her ... but Im sure she knows that I'm burning ... You know ... She said yesterday that she loves me .... me ... not him .... and I cried .... I wanted to hear those words and I did .... but I still have fear because I dont know what he will do ... she is still under the same roof with somebody that loves her .... god knows I wouldnt be able to stay away .... so yea .... I'm scared .... She did love him once .... and ... you know ... it's not easy on me because I fear that I won't be good enough .... that I'm not doing things right .... that she expects something else ... something more ... but all I have to give her is my love ... She says she loves me ... she says she understands my feelings .... she doesnt want to change me ... she accepts the way I am .... that she would do anything for me .... She says all of this .... on top of turning her life upside down for me .... she's moving out in a couple weeks .... she got her own room .... she broke off an engagement .... she's taken more shifts to save money for our future .... she makes me food and buys me dinner .... she's making me turkey .... she's .... god she's perfect!!!!!!! .... *breathes* .... I can't lose her .... I wont lose her .... I will be with her as long as she lets me .... I love you Chantal