I am currently in the worst state of depression I have been in for a long time. I haven't felt this worthless in forever. I feel like I lost my family and the harder I try to get it back the more it crumbles.
Last night my mother came to pick me up at work, but I had some more stuff to do and figured I'd just go to Trishas after. So I told my mom and she left a little ticked. I got home, then Jeff piped up about not calling ahead of time, and saying that there is always time to call ... I didn't know I wasn't going to finish everything. I worked my ass off all day and they gave me a ton of things to do at the end. How was I supposed to know I would need more time??? Anyways, Jeff had a good dig at me and mom just snorted and agreed with him.
Also yesterday, we went to the Niagara Outlets. We had a fight before we got in the car about what we were going to do. I really didnt care, I just had the idea I wanted a haircut. I said, no its fine we'll go to the outlet. Mom starts yelling about how i hate it there and I said I got in the car didnt I, knowing she wanted to go.
THEN we get there and looked around at clothes. Mom had me look while she tried on stuff and then asked me how things looked. We got the the bathing suit store and my mother began to flip out on me. She told me to look for other styles, but none were what she wanted so I said there wasnt anything. Then I told her I didnt like 2 of them and I said to get back in the change room and I'll look for another style close to the one she had on ... Well she didnt find one she wanted ... Stormed out of the store back to the car, as I hung up everything then followed her out. We get in the car and she starts yelling about me rolling my eyes, telling her things looked horrid and yata yata yata.
I fucking cant stand this. I dont seem to be able to do anything right
Today I was playing scrabble with Bradley (Jeff's boy), we bent the rules because Bradley is young. Jeff comes by and starts telling me Im playing the wrong way, despite I told him what I was doing ... and then telling me I dont know how to spell because some of the letter didnt make words .... (BECAUSE I BENT THE RULES FOR THE KID AND LETTERS COULD TOUCH WITHOUT MAKING A WORD). Suddenly mum is wheeling out Jennifer and yells ... Gillian move your ass out of the way ...
I dont want to type anymore because now Im crying ... I dont seem to be able to do anything right ...
posted by Tall Girl @ 11:16 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
At this point, I suggest you stop worrying about everyone else's feelings and stand up for yourself. Jeff has no business taking digs at you and your mother has to get over her hangups without taking them out on you. Jeff's a dick, you can't change your mother's mind for her, so I suggest you work hard on that plan of finding your own place. Even if you're in another apartment in the vacinity of your family, so you can visit your sister, you'll at least have some kind of sanctuary to go to where you're not bombarded with this kind of abuse.
I know how you feel... I'm in therapy for depression right now and I know you can hit the nail on the head with one guess as to who has driven me to where I am. Nothing I do is ever good enough and one minute she tells me whatever I want to do with my life is fine and then the moment I speak of changing my mind, I've wasted all her money and we need to stop everything cuz I'm falling apart and I need to make a decision right now and never change it. Then she yells at me for not having good stress management. Where the fuck do you think the stress comes from?! Sorry for the mini rant... It's just nice to have someone who knows how you feel... my other friends live in this happy sheltered little fairy land where they don't get me or my life... but I know you do.
~*Kelly*~
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